Laughs -- Business

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Man

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Posted: 18 years ago

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One - liner about business--> Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: (1) Houses are for people to live in. (

2) Gardens are for plants to live in.

(3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.

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Man

@Manzz

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+ 7

Posted: 18 years ago

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It was the night before crisis --> It was the night before crisis, And all through the house, Not a program was working, Not even a browse. Programmers were wrung out, too mindless to care, Knowing chances of cut over had not a prayer. The users were nestled All snug in their beds, While visions of inquiries Danced in their heads. When out in the lobby There arose such a clatter, that I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. And what to my wondering Eyes should appear, But a Super Programmer, Oblivious to fear. More rapid than eagles, His programs they came and he whistled and shouted and called them by name. On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! His eyes were glazed over; His fingers were lean, from weekends and nights spent in front of a screen. A wink of his eye, And a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, But went straight to his work, Turning specs into code, Then he turned with a jerk .And laying his fingers Upon the Enter key, The system came up, And worked perfectly! The updates updated; The deletes they deleted; The inquiries inquired; And the closing completed. He tested each whistle, He tested each bell, with nary and a bend, and all had gone well. The system was finished, the tests were concluded, and the client's last changes were even included! And the client exclaimed, with a snarl and a taunt, "It is just what I asked for, but it is not what I want!"

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Man

@Manzz

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+ 7

Posted: 18 years ago

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Improving fry cooking time --> In January 1994, 'The Economist' magazine reported that one of Secretary of Energy Hazel O'Leary's success stories about government research scientists hired out for civilian business uses was the Argonne National Laboratory's helping McDonald's to find a way to speed up French frying. A team headed by physicist Tuncer Kuzay, who interrupted his work on advanced photons, placed sensors inside the frozen fries and was able to design special frying baskets to deal with the effect of steam created by melting ice crystals and to cut 30 to 40 seconds off each batch's frying time.

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Man

@Manzz

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+ 7

Posted: 18 years ago

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Some last minute requests --> A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night. The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I would check out the same way."

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Man

@Manzz

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+ 7

Posted: 18 years ago

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Jewish anthropologist --> A Jewish anthropologist, Benny Steinfeld, was working in the desert near Israel when he happened upon an odd looking vase. After cleaning it he pried open the lid and was astonished when a genie sprang from the container and granted him 3 wishes. Steinfeld wished for enormous wealth, huge land holdings and a bevy of beautiful wives. All wishes were granted, but on one condition. Never again in his life could the anthropologist get a haircut or shave. To do so would mean instant imprisonment in the same urn in which the genie had been imprisoned. All went well during the first few years of his lavish lifestyle, but his beard and long hair became more and more of a problem. One day, during a moment of weakness and desperation he ran to the bathroom, grabbed some scissors and began cutting off his beard. Immediately his fortunes vanished, and he found himself trapped in the urn lying in the desert sand. The moral of this story? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."

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Man

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Posted: 18 years ago

A tribe within Africa > There was a tribe in Africa which was very fierce and warring ... they would battle all the tribes in the area, and they always won. As a victory trophy, they would take the throne of the chief of the defeated tribe and carry it home, chanting victory chants and singing the whole way. When they got home, they would put the throne in the attic of the grass hut. This went on for quite some time, and soon the throne collection grew, adding to the prestige of the tribe. One day, they battled a tribe of fairly large people, some might call them giants. They won, and they struggled to get the throne home ... but the chanting and joyousness prevailed as usual. When they got home, they had the ritual of putting the throne in the attic of the grass hut, but the weight was too much. The ceiling collapsed, killing everyone on the tribe. The moral: People who live in Grass Houses should not stow thrones.

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