I was experiencing nothingness ... I felt empty...too empty...every emotion had left my body.. hope..happiness ..sadness..pain..anger..frustration.. I had no emotion.. i had all of them out today..
All those years .. the wall i had built had fallen.. all the frustration I had I let it out.. I had made him feel the sadness I felt.. and to the limit that he was ready to take every bit of it ...and possibly more...
I sighed and looked at my diary...words had left me.. ..i flipped through the pages...and my life flashed... and it pretty much comprised of him... his presence ...happiness ...his absence...pain... thats how i could define my life at the moment...
And then a feeling...crept in...a very weird feeling...not of self pity...but i felt my soul knocking...and I knew...somehow knew what it had come to say...
In pleading words ...it simply said... "love yourself...as much as you love him...if not more but equal or we shall meet the same end..."
Hard to understand?... I picked up my pen...
And my soul began to write
Dear diary
Years of love...years of sacrifice.. years of giving ...years of getting nothing...
Years of pain...years of loneliness...
Yet you survived...yet you fought...
But your soul is damaged...your soul yearns for love...for care...
The broken pieces need to be put together...
Yes he heals you...but as he heals you...you will start giving everything you have...and not long before...you will be back...feeling hollow... feeling empty
Ever heard people say " treat others the way they treat you"
But...it's not wrong to show love right??
No! but show that love to yourself as well..
Or it won't be long before you feel empty again... hollow again..just like you feel right now...
Yes...he wants you back.. yes you want him back... but do you need to pay a price to be back? Or could this be done differently?
When you gave your heart repeatedly and it was repeatedly broken..then isn't it time to take a different route ?
If you fear...that the friendship won't say...then dear...it stayed even after a gap of 5 years... even after betrayal ...even after you swore to forget him..
So why won't it stay now?
Nothing worse could happen right ?
I stopped writing as my soul smiled at me...and I knew what it meant...and i smiled back...
I looked at my phone...hoping for a message...but then again kept it aside deciding to not wait for it...
...
My body was literally trembling now.. her pain grew deeper in me...her words still echoing...to know that you have caused someone a lot of pain is one thing.. but to feel it running through your own self...is much more difficult...
And I had felt it only today..she had been carrying this from so many years...she had carried the burden of my ignorance...hateful actions...in her heart...and to the point that it drove her to insanity...to helplessness... to utter nothingness...as she had expressed herself..i could feel how hollow her soul had become..how the pain had swallowed all the good things in her life..and left her bitter...broken ...and sad...
I read her poem again...in spite of everything... she decided to stay...I was still not able to find words...
How did she have such courage? ..i will never understand...but maybe i can learn...learn how to be such a selfless person.. a constant dryness stayed my throat...
I had never felt emotions so deeply... never before these few months..I realised...that someone had invested soo deeply in me...
The fact that I felt i had the right to all that love made me feel sick..what had I ever done ? Had i done anything for her? Yes ...but compared to what she had done...
The comparison was not possible..I picked the cell...she would be expecting a message and for once I wanted to live to her expectation..
In fact from today live to every expectation ...
And I knew what I had to write...
" Anything...and everything... I can do and will do...to mend this..."
I wanted to write more... but I didn't want to.. I wanted to show her...by my actions...
After few minutes I got a reply
"so would I ...but let us take a day at a time...there are more broken pieces than we can count...yours and mine...both"
Her message gave relief to me...not the part that she would do everything to mend this.. I knew she would.. in fact I didn't want her to put any effort.. I wanted myself to put double the effort...like she had...the part that made me happy was her acknowledging her pieces as well...I wanted her to acknowledge her damaged soul too...she had given too much...she had given enough
And this enough was enough...
...
"Thank you ..."
I smiled as I stared at the dots...he wanted to say more.. but he didn't want to rush it..like I had asked him to...
Yes i did understand him that deeply...and I felt he was also beginning to...
It started raining...I looked outside...every rain had reminded me of him..every rain made me wish to be with him... to go on those long drives...where we could just stare around..not talk ... but feel ...
Atleast i felt.. he would put on music...and hum to them...and I would stare...around and steal glances of him as well
...oh no... my heart sank...
Another battle was going to start as I would go back to him...the battle of staying only friends and not wanting more... the line I had drawn all those years ago.. to redraw it.. to keep my heart in control.. and to understand what expectation was justified as a friend and what was not...because yes... I wanted him to understand me...care for me.. respect me...but love... well no...I had never wanted that...as much as I wished it .. I always kept our friendship at a much higher status.. and after everything.. i wanted him as friend more...
At least for now...
...
I stared at the rain.. I had never bothered about it...I just found it inconvenient.. i hated going out in them.. well atleast after I finished college.. I always didn't like them except for those times when my annoying friend would ask me for a drive and jump up and down until I agreed...
It was still inconvenient but a little less.. because beside me would sit a very happy girl who would stare around as I would put on my favourite songs and she would never ask me to put the ones she liked...which she would always do if there was no rain..
Because she would be too lost staring at the rain.. admiring the surroundings...
I realised I was reliving it as if it was yesterday and somewhere inside me a longing to live that memory grew...
I waited for it go away because i didn't want to be imposing on her...but the longing grew deeper...
And her earnest eyes...floated in front of me...
What if she was waiting for me to pick her...what if this time she didn't want to ask...
But things had changed
Had they not? She could drive herself now..
But my heart tugged me...pleading to try... and i knew...I had to...
I picked my keys and headed to her place...
I called her sitting in my car... "Hi...i was wondering...if..."
I was stammering almost...well if she says no I would deserve it... I had no reason to expect that her yes was my right...
"Yes..."
She had understood already.. I didn't even have to complete the sentence...
My heart calmed down...
...
Equal contribution...I said to myself.. he called ...and as I was in my balcony .. I could see his car parked down stairs...
He had done his part and I should do mine..
My soul nudged me saying... "he should always take the first step remember"
As much as I wanted to revolt but my soul.. my heart...my brain all agreed ...
I walked down...and ran to his car...
...
Who said memories couldn't be relived... if we are lucky they can be.. all it requires effort and two people wanting the same thing... but did they?
As they drove around...he wondered... yes he wanted the friendship back... every bit of it...
But what more did he want??? ..my heart peeked out...and I sternly said no...
No way ...she didn't deserve someone like me...no way...
...
As he put his songs on...and i stared around... a memory was relived...but some emotions arose in me reminding me about the line that I needed to draw .. I still needed to decide .. what I wanted from him...
My heart gave a leap at the thought I was trying to ignore...
No...no way...
After all this time ..after everything...
No way... no
Way
But...
...
Thanks again everyone!
Please read/ like / comment!
means a lot to me!
love u all
griffy
IMP NOTE : Please like the post if you want me to message you about the next update.. makes it easier for me.. THANK YOU
I just wanted to say .. thak you for amazing comments and likes... its so heartwarming.. it makes my day.. I am sorry for replying late to them!
I am continuing my promise.. and here goes the next update!
Expect a longer update on monday.. as I am out of station for the next two days😳😳
Part 19
I needed to draw a line... yes ..I did ... the memory of drawing one last time seemed to have disappear...I didn't know how I had done it back then...
Maybe the dire need to fix him made me adamant about staying as friend and nothing more...maybe he had a girlfriend then..and that made me keep a distance?...but even when I didn't know about his girlfriend... I had decided to expect only friendship out of it...or did i ?
Would it all have ended this badly..if that love element wasn't there...
I searched an answer...and a firm voice said...no it would have still ended badly...because you were not expressing love and expecting it to be reciprocated..you were only expecting your friendship to remain the same...
But does anything ever remain the same..
Yes sometimes we do have the same friends all our life..and we meet each other regularly..but don't priorities change? Expectations shift ? Yes...maybe..
The problem was I had very few friends...apart from him.. I only had two other close friends..and things had been so constant with them that I never got to ponder on how friendship evolves over time..
This brings me back to expectations.. do my expectations as a friend remain same? Or do they change?
Because to know where the line is... my expectations had to be clearly defined...
Ughh.. I felt like i was doing an essay writing.. this was tough..
And I turned and looked at him.. he was humming songs...and he seemed lost...he did not seem to have grown old...he looked exactly like how he looked five years back...well except of a more obvious stubble.. well I liked that ...he looked a little more mature...and yes his actions had proved them...its his eyes and voice that had always intrigued me.. that always had a calling in them...and as he changed the song...i came back to my senses...
And one realisation hit me deeper than before...
That i still loved him...adored him...
My throat went dry...come back to expectations by brain sternly said.. but my heart continued to flutter... i felt like i was in my first year again..when we had gone for our first ride..
I had not insisted on the ride.. he had come to pick up some notes and it started raining..
He started saying how he hated rain...and i said i liked to drive when it rained...and he being the gentleman he is politely asked if i would like to go on one...and we went...
Those were the initial days when i was stil deciding whether i wanted to be his friend or did i wnat to encourage "those" feelings in me.. and I had continued to listen to him humming...his voice then also called out to me just like today...
The battle was back .. I sighed and looked outside...unable to find an answer... what did i want...
And my heart just very simply said "him"
No matter what...no matter how... i just needed him...
...
I noticed her looking at me...i could feel her eyes trying to observe how I had changed...had she always looked like that at me?
From the corner of my eye.. as much as i could see and feel...i sensed an emotion ..a very different emotion...
But I brushed the thought quickly away...
And even she started to look outside the window..
The truth was I didn't deserve her love in any way.. not as a friend .. and definitely not as a lover...
But one thing that continuously made me want to try was her...
She inspite of everything wanted me in her life... could I want anything more? Possibly not...
Yes i loved her .. and i could do anything for her... but i needed to draw a line
First was not raise any suspicion because even though I loved her... i loved her as a friend too and her presence gave me peace like none other
Second... i had to first live to her expectations.. do everything she had always expected but never demanded.. always wanted but never asked..
But what were those?
The deeply i analysed.. I realised I would know what she would expect because deep down.. that idiot me was still there who could have done so many things for her back then but did not and it was high time the idiot boy ... did everything he could...
...
" shall we head back?"
It had been more than an hour... i was still confused... and we had hardly talked..but it was good to not talk and just feel each other's presence..
" Sure..."
He said in a very calm voice...
"by the way ..did you get ajay's invite for the wedding in Goa?"
"Oh yeah... the next Saturday one?"
"Yeah..."
I wanted to ask whether he was going or not ...but my voice trailed off..
Ajay was our good old friend... we had not kept much in touch...but he was always a sweetheart...
" Have you been in touch with him" I asked...
" yeah.. like random texts.. I almost went to reunion because of him.. but then didn't feel like"
I stayed quiet..ajay had mentioned that to me and thats the reason i didn't go to it.. but I didn't want to mention that
"It is a three day wedding...with all the functions.. I wanted to just go for the wedding day..."
" Umm even me.. three day is long and I am not a fan of weddings...though goa is nice"
He grinned and I started laughing...
...
The laugh.. I had heard that after soo long... so peaceful.. so pure.. just like her...
Ohh i was definitely in love with her... but i needed to stepp back and behave as a friend...
I had missed her laugh.. i had missed her smiles
It is true absence only makes u value.. we all take presence of anything granted
" we can go together you know?"
I chose my words carefully... i didn't want to sound persuasive.. demanding or even show that i wanted this
Because i knew she had a habit of fulfilling everything i wanted...
She kept quiet for almost a minute and I wondered
...
Dont say yes... immediately.. my brain warned
But its perfect my heart almost squealed..
The line ! the line!.. my brain hissed angrily
Its just a one day visit to goa.. I anyways had planned to go for the wedding...
And i shut both my heart and mind
And said "yes... sure.."
And a smile... the one that always melted me appeared on his face
...
I hope you guys liked this part
A lot of drama coming up ... in the wedding... 😃😉
Please like/read/comment
love u all
Cheers
Griffy
IMP NOTE : Please like the post if you want me to message you about the next update.. makes it easier for me.. THANK YOU
Edited by griffy.fz - 7 years ago
