Memories - TWINJ FF new part Page 52! - Page 34

I was experiencing nothingness ... I felt empty...too empty...every emotion had left my body.. hope..happiness ..sadness..pain..anger..frustration.. I had no emotion.. i had all of them out today..

All those years .. the wall i had built had fallen.. all the frustration I had I let it out.. I had made him feel the sadness I felt.. and to the limit that he was ready to take every bit of it ...and possibly more...

I sighed and looked at my diary...words had left me.. ..i flipped through the pages...and my life flashed... and it pretty much comprised of him... his presence ...happiness ...his absence...pain... thats how i could define my life at the moment...

And then a feeling...crept in...a very weird feeling...not of self pity...but i felt my soul knocking...and I knew...somehow knew what it had come to say...

In pleading words ...it simply said... "love yourself...as much as you love him...if not more but equal or we shall meet the same end..."

Hard to understand?... I picked up my pen...

And my soul began to write

Dear diary

Years of love...years of sacrifice.. years of giving ...years of getting nothing...

Years of pain...years of loneliness...

Yet you survived...yet you fought...

But your soul is damaged...your soul yearns for love...for care...

The broken pieces need to be put together...

Yes he heals you...but as he heals you...you will start giving everything you have...and not long before...you will be back...feeling hollow... feeling empty

Ever heard people say " treat others the way they treat you"

But...it's not wrong to show love right??

No! but show that love to yourself as well.. 

Or it won't be long before you feel empty again... hollow again..just like you feel right now...

Yes...he wants you back.. yes you want him back... but do you need to pay a price to be back? Or could this be done differently?

When you gave your heart repeatedly and it was repeatedly broken..then isn't it time to take a different route ?

If you fear...that the friendship won't say...then dear...it stayed even after a gap of 5 years... even after betrayal ...even after you swore to forget him..

So why won't it stay now?

Nothing worse could happen right ?

I stopped writing as my soul smiled at me...and I knew what it meant...and i smiled back...

I looked at my phone...hoping for a message...but then again kept it aside deciding to not wait for it...

...

My body was literally trembling now.. her pain grew deeper in me...her words still echoing...to know that you have caused someone a lot of pain is one thing.. but to feel it running through your own self...is much more difficult...

And I had felt it only today..she had been carrying this from so many years...she had  carried the burden of my ignorance...hateful actions...in her heart...and to the point that it drove her to insanity...to helplessness... to utter nothingness...as she had expressed herself..i could feel how hollow her soul had become..how the pain had swallowed all the good things in her life..and left her bitter...broken ...and sad...

I read her poem again...in spite of everything... she decided to stay...I was still not able to find words...

How did she have such courage? ..i will never understand...but maybe i can learn...learn how to be such a selfless person.. a constant dryness stayed my throat...

I had never felt emotions so deeply... never before these few months..I realised...that someone had invested soo deeply in me...

The fact that I felt i had the right to all that love made me feel sick..what had I ever done ? Had i done anything for her? Yes ...but compared to what she had done...

The comparison was not possible..I picked the cell...she would be expecting a message and for once I wanted to live to her expectation..

In fact from today live to every expectation ...

And I knew what I had to write...

" Anything...and everything... I can do and will do...to mend this..."

I wanted to write more... but I didn't want to.. I wanted to show her...by my actions...

After few minutes I got a reply

"so would I ...but let us take a day at a time...there are more broken pieces than we can count...yours and mine...both"

Her message gave relief to me...not the part that she would do everything to mend this.. I knew she would.. in fact I didn't want her to put any effort.. I wanted myself to put double the effort...like she had...the part that made me happy was her acknowledging her pieces as well...I wanted her to acknowledge her damaged soul too...she had given too much...she had given enough

And this enough was enough...

...

"Thank you ..."

I smiled as I stared at the dots...he wanted to say more.. but he didn't want to rush it..like I had asked him to...

Yes i did understand him that deeply...and I felt he was also beginning to...

It started raining...I looked outside...every rain had reminded me of him..every rain made me wish to be with him... to go on those long drives...where we could just stare around..not talk ... but feel ...

Atleast i felt.. he would put on music...and hum to them...and I would stare...around and steal glances of him as well

...oh no... my heart sank...

Another battle was going to start as I would go back to him...the battle of staying only friends and not wanting more... the line I had drawn all those years ago.. to redraw it.. to keep my heart in control.. and to understand what expectation was justified as a friend and what was not...because yes... I wanted him to understand me...care for me.. respect me...but love... well no...I had never wanted that...as much as I wished it .. I always kept our friendship at a much higher status.. and after everything.. i wanted him as friend more...

At least for now...

...

I stared at the rain.. I had never bothered about it...I just found it inconvenient.. i hated going out in them.. well atleast after I finished college.. I always didn't like them except for those times when my annoying friend would ask me for a drive and jump up and down until I agreed...

It was still inconvenient but a little less.. because beside me would sit a very happy  girl who would stare around as I would put on my favourite songs and she would never ask me to put the ones she liked...which she would always do if there was no rain..

Because she would be too lost staring at the rain.. admiring the surroundings...

I realised I was reliving it as if it was yesterday and somewhere inside me a longing to live that memory grew...

I waited for it go away because i didn't want to be imposing on her...but the longing grew deeper...

And her earnest eyes...floated in front of me...

What if she was waiting for me to pick her...what if this time she didn't want to ask...

But things had changed

Had they not? She could drive herself now..

But my heart tugged me...pleading to try... and i knew...I had to...

I picked my keys and headed to her place...

I called her sitting in my car... "Hi...i was wondering...if..."

I was stammering almost...well if she says no I would deserve it... I had no reason to expect that her yes was my right...

"Yes..."

She had understood already.. I didn't even have to complete the sentence...

My heart calmed down...

...

Equal contribution...I said to myself.. he called ...and as I was in my balcony .. I could see his car parked down stairs...

He had done his part and I should do mine..

My soul nudged me saying... "he should always take the first step remember"

As much as I wanted to revolt but my soul.. my heart...my brain all agreed ...

I walked down...and ran to his car...

...

Who said memories couldn't be relived...  if we are lucky they can be.. all it requires effort and two people wanting the same thing... but did they?

As they drove around...he wondered... yes he wanted the friendship back... every bit of it...

But what more did he want??? ..my heart peeked out...and I sternly said no...

No way ...she didn't deserve someone like me...no way...

...

As he put his songs on...and i stared around... a memory was relived...but some emotions arose in me reminding me about the line that I needed to draw .. I still needed to decide .. what I wanted from him...

My heart gave a leap at the thought I was trying to ignore...

No...no way...

After all this time ..after everything...

No way... no

Way

But...

...

Thanks again everyone!

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means a lot to me!

love u all 

griffy

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PART 19