A LIVING DEATH
Without you, my soul would be empty, my heart broken and my being incomplete. - Unknown.
Jiske Aane Se Muqammal Ho Gayi Thi Jindagi...
Dastake Khushiyo Ne Di Thi, Mit Gayi Thi Har Kami...
Kyon Bevajah Di Ye Saja, Kyon Khwab Deke Wo Le Gaya...
Jiye Jo Ham Lage Sitam, Azaab Aise Wo De Gaya...
They were happy together, being with each other. They completed each other. They gave each other's lives a different meaning. They set a new trend of love. He was not a person to fall in love with someone after receiving a betrayal from the one he loved. He was not a person to understand the depth of love. But after her arrival, everything got changed. It's been said that love changes you inside out, and brings out a completely different one from you, you have never seen. She changed him as a person. She made him want to be a better person. The one who could never see anything beyond his work and family now was giving his own life chance to be happy. She came like sunshine in his life that just brightened his inner self who was lost in some darkness after the bitter phase he had witnessed after Kavita's betrayal to him.
She, a normal girl, who had no other dreams in her life except being a doctor...a successful doctor because that was her mother's dream, had experienced a beautiful phase of falling and relishing the love. Swara...Swara Bose had always been, a girl focusing on nothing except her studies. She wasn't much talkative, neither, she was the one who would interact with everyone or would go on making everyone as her friend. No!!! She just wasn't the one. She had always been more a reserved person. Her mother left her when she was 17, too young to bear the loss of someone who meant complete world to her.
She had always been around her mother...always. The reason was because she loved her mother...more than anything else...more than anyone else. She always believed her mother was the best and her mother indeed was!!! For her, she was her everything...her every wish...her every prayer...her god...her mentor...her tutor...her idol...her world!!! Swara had wished for nothing except her mother...she had asked from god, nothing except her mother to be with her, always...loving her, caring for her, supporting her, being there for her. But not always, one gets what he/she wants and so she did not. God didn't fulfill her only wish. Her mother suffered from a deadly incurable disease. When doctors diagnosis her mother with that disease, they did nothing but very clearly told her family that her mother would not be able to survive more than two years.
When Swara got to know that, she could not understand what to do. At the mere age of 12, she got to know that her mother...her life was going away from her. But even her mother was brave enough...brave enough to accept what had been told to her. She didn't sit there crying because she had only two years of her life left...but tried almost everything...every hospital, every Mandir, church, darga...every medicine mind it allopathic, homeopathic or Ayurveda...every that thing which had even 0.1% chance of making her alright. But nothing really worked out. It helped her mother, to keep her condition somewhat stable but it could not stop the progress of disease which was speedily heading to something worse. Still, Swara didn't stop hoping. She trusted in God...she didn't use to do earlier but she started doing it...only for her mother. She thought that everyone says miracles do happen...miracles do happen...so she presumed it will happen with her and her mother too.
She had strong and firm belief that no matter what her mother would never leave her. No one and nothing can snatch her mother from her but everything, her every belief, her every hope died with her mother leaving a shattered Swara behind. The moment, she saw life had been drained out of her mother, she felt she didn't only lose her mother but she lost her own self too with her. Before her mother left her, her mother used to tell her like... do this...do that...but Swara never paid attention because she hated hearing from other that she would leave her one day. But, Swara didn't really fall apart after her mother...She held herself because her mother wanted her to do that...though she had nothing left in her but still she preferred holding on...But nothing remained same after that. She slipped into an even more reserved state. People around her kept asking, telling and suggesting that she would have to move on...she must move on and much more. Everyone assumed and even let her know that she wasn't happy...that she was punishing herself for something which she should not...that she must leave everything that happened and start being happy in her life. But none of them could really understand that she was happy...Yes...she was happy but being with her mother's memories only, not with them. None of them understood what it means losing someone so so so close to you but people have habit of interfering and giving their so called suggestions due to their so called concern.
Then, she met Sanskar. She couldn't understand anything but he and his companionship changed her. His arrival in her life, gave her a meaning to live, a reason to live. She changed into a person, full of life, for him, with him. He was broken the same way she was. They both weren't perfect. They both had flaws but they filled the gaps in each other's life, bringing out a new one out of them.
They had met, in a meeting arranged by their families for their marriage. Neither she nor he wanted to get into any relationship. Both had their own reason for it. She didn't want it because she was all in her own. She didn't feel like she would be ever able to be with anyone. All what she wanted was to be alone, with her memories, with the dream of her mother...and he didn't want to indulge in any kind of relation because he was broken after the betrayal of Kavita. She made him lose his trust in love and relations.
But, mere a meeting was enough for them to feel the spark. It was some miracle for them own selves that they agreed easily for the marriage. Something was in between them...something definitely was. The presence of each other, made them feel like they would be able to live again...they would be able to be happy again. Yeah! They weren't living till now but were only breathing! It's never that we trust someone in a single meet but something urged them to trust each other. They didn't even talk much...just some random questions regarding their professions and that's it. They said yes for spending their rest of the lives with each other.
He was a Marwari guy while she was a Bengali. But this thing didn't come as an obstacle as their families were much understanding and mature enough to know that these things never matter. They got married with the blessings of their families. After their marriage, their life was absolutely amazing. Both were happy with each other. Soon, their care, concern and attachments towards each other made them fall for each other. Yes! They fell in love with each other. What a beautifully ecstatic feeling it was for them! It was after six months of their marriage when they realized they had been fallen deeply, immensely and helplessly in love with each other. It was their six months anniversary, when Sanskar confessed his feelings to Swara, by organizing a very beautiful and romantic set up on their terrace. It was an adorable surprise cum shock for her. When she realized she had fallen for him, she was way too nervous that how would she confess to him but he made it easy for her. She confessed him back, and it became the loveliest moment of their life. That night, the moon witnessed the two souls getting one. That night, they submitted themselves to each other completely, accepting each other in every sense.
Sanskar never felt these feelings when he thought he was in love with Kavita. It made him sure, that he was never in love with her. Kavita was nothing more than attraction and infatuation for him. What he felt for Swara, he never did, for anyone. She was the one, and she was the only one.
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AFTER TWO YEARS:
One day a letter knocked their door which left their life shaken from inside out. That one letter, destroyed everything, destroyed their beautiful life.
"Sanskar...Sanskaaar" She screamed as her eyes read the matter written on the letter.
He came out of the washroom, hearing her. "What happened? Why are you shouting, Jaan?" he asked very casually, not realizing it was going to be the worst moment of his life.
"What is this?" Anger had bubbled up in her eyes. Hurt and pain had crossed their limits. Her eyes had welled up ready to shed the tears brimming in her eyes, anytime.
His body posture suddenly changed, feeling the tension in her tone. He looked at her face, which seemed like she had just seen the worst nightmare of her life. He immediately rushed towards her and held her shoulder softly.
"What happened? What is this?" he took the letter from her. He roamed his eyes over that letter. His hands trembled. His face turned pale and within a minute it fell down from his hand. He stammered on his words, "Swa...Swara...ye..."
"Haan... Ye Sanskar...Kya hai ye? How can you do this to me Sanskar?" she couldn't help but her voice sounded like it had almost choked up. She fell down on her knees, crying bitterly.
"Mai...mujhe nahi...mai nahi janta tha ye ese..." he didn't know what to say. He was beyond shock to react anything.
"You didn't know? Seriously? You didn't know? I told you, don't bring her to me...didn't I? But you still did...you forced me to admit her, treat her...and see the consequences now...She accused me of false accusation, committed suicide...and my medical license has been canceled for lifetime...you understand this? This means I will never be able to treat others...I am not a doctor anymore...You knew this was my mother's dream...which is destroyed now...you killed me, Sanskar, you killed my soul today" she was going through something which could not be expressed in words. The one dream of her mother, she was living for, which was a reason for her to live, had been snatched from her. She felt she was losing it. She felt suffocating. Nothing had left in her at that point of time. It was her dream...if it would have been hers, then she would have let it go easily. But NO! It was her mother's dream! That person's dream, who was most important for her...who was her soul.
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Flashback:
"Sanskar please, I don't trust her. I am not stopping you from doing anything for her because I trust you. But please don't bring her to me. I can't and don't trust her. I am anyway having some bad intuitions...please understand Sanskar" Swara almost pleaded Sanskar, for not making her treat Kavita, who was suffering from a heart disease.
"Swara...even I am helpless...Please don't make me feel more guilty...and treat her, please. I am begging in front of you...please Swara...tumhe meri Kasam"... he tried convincing her, for accepting Kavita as her patient and treating her. He felt worst seeing her face but he could do nothing.
Her eyes lifted at him. He left her with no other option by making her swear him. She just left the room, without saying anything.
Flashback ends:
Kavita had accused Swara of mistreating her, for giving her wrong medicines on purpose. When, police came and checked the dose was being given to her was something, which was a poison. Kavita, herself had changed her medicines, with help of one nurse. Kavita was a mentally ill, a psycho and obsessive person. When Sanskar married Swara, forgetting Kavita, she couldn't bear it. She couldn't bear that Swara took away Sanskar from her. Being a psycho, Kavita didn't even care about her own life. All what she wanted was to destroy Swara and that's what she did. When police came and checked everything, they went to Kavita and found her dead. She left a note before dying, saying Swara would be responsible if anything happens to her. That was enough. They canceled Swara's license temporarily and sent her a notice saying she would have to be present in court for a hearing.
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Even the thought of her medical license getting canceled, the dream of her mother getting shattered, had left her shaken.
Sanskar kneeled down in front of her, and tried keeping his hand on her cheek but she backed off. Lifting her eyes to him, she stared at him for a while. Her eyes showed nothing but only and only agony.
He could not express how he felt at that time, seeing her in that condition. He died hundreds of deaths when he saw her dying from inside.
"Don't worry Swara...ham court jayenge...kuch nahi hoga" he tried comforting her with his words but deep inside his heart was unsure about what he was saying.
She didn't say anything. She got up without saying anything and straightaway went to her room. She locked the room behind. He almost ran behind her but the time he reached, he found a closed door on his face.
She threw herself on the bed and cried out loudly. She sobbed, till tears drained from her eyes. She welled, till her heart stopped feeling anything.
Roaming fingers on the closed door, he slipped on the ground. Resting his head on the door, tears started falling down from his eyes. Both souls had lost themselves that day.
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In Court's Hearing, nothing worked out in Swara's favor. All the proofs were against her. Seeing her past experience, she did being announced no punishment but her license had been canceled...PERMANENTLY.
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AT SWASAN'S HOME:
Sanskar entered inside, completely broken after court's decision. Swara had left without him. His gaze fell on her. She came out, dragging her luggage with her. His heart broke into millions of pieces...those pieces he would never be able to collect...those pieces, which were going to remain scattered only...
"I can't stay with you, here, anymore," she said emotionlessly.
He said nothing. He did nothing. She glanced at his face once, before she made her way out. It was neither easy for her nor for him. He had loved her to the extent where he was ready to do anything for her and she loved him so much where she could sacrifice her life for him. But both had fallen in a phase where they could do nothing...absolutely nothing. Both had never felt so helpless before. Things had messed up in a way, that could never get back them to where they were.
She walked out. He didn't even dare to turn and nor did she. He was sure, about where would he end up, if he sees her going away from him...for forever. Tears were welling up in both of their eyes. Silent screams of them rang in their room, leaving deep scars on two souls.
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Kya Kya Na Socha Tha Maine, Kya Kya Na Sapne Sajaye
Kya Kya Na Chaha Tha Dil Ne, Kya Kya Na Armaan Jagaaye
Iss Dil Se Tufan Gujarate Hai
Tum Bin Na Jeete Na Marte Hai
Aa Jaao, Laut Kar Tum, Ye Dil Keh Raha Hai
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AFTER TWO YEARS:
Swara was sitting on a couch. She had shifted to her old home, where she used to live with her mother, in Shimla. After her mother, Swara and her father got shifted to Delhi. When her father came to know that she had left Sanskar's home, he insisted her on living with him but she refused. She wanted to live with the memories of her mother. Even her father couldn't convince his daughter to stay back. Now, she was living in Shimla, alone.
She looked still the same. Nothing had changed much but still, everything had changed. She wasn't anymore the person she used to be. After her mother, she had slipped into a reserved person. But Sanskar's arrival had brought out the hidden one in her. When she left him, she left a part of her soul with him. Already she was broken after her mother and what happened because of Sanskar broke her in every sense...leaving the only void in her.
Her gaze fell upon the calendar. It was their marriage anniversary. Yeah, Marriage Anniversary!...Because they never got divorced. She felt dizzy. Her vision blurred due to the thin layer of tears forming in her eyes. Soon the tears turned into loud cries. The sound of her painful shrieks echoed into her empty room.
"Why did you do this Sanskar? Why? I thought life is again giving me a chance by sending you for me...the soon I was getting normal, was collecting broken pieces of my soul, you again broke them and left them scattered...I know you never intentionally wanted to hurt me...I know you can never do that...I know that you love me as much as I love you...but after what happened, we can never be together...maybe we just weren't destined to be...for me everything comes after my mother...and I can never forget that I can't fulfill her dream...and somewhere the reason...the reason is YOU"
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In Delhi:
Sanskar stared at the laptop screen without blinking his eyes even for a second. His eyes were fixed on the face of the woman, in the paused video, which he was playing on his laptop. The woman, who meant everything to him, the woman who was the love of his life, the woman who made him believe in love again, the woman he could move earth and heaven for...Swara...his wife!!!
He was watching the video of their marriage, trying to re-live those moments through their memories, again. He knew, he would never be able to live them again, with her but he kept themselves alive in his memories.
His face was blank. It hardly showed anything. The time, she left him, even he himself left him. He wasn't living anymore but only breathing.
"I know Swara, the pain I have given you...has no cure. There is nothing which can soothe that pain...and trust me, I won't ever forgive myself for being the reason of your pain...I am sorry Swara...I am sorry but even I was helpless...was bound by the same relation you left me for"
Flashback:
"Sanskar, please, take Kavita to Swara...it's her wish Sanskar...she came to me and she was crying so bitterly...she has changed Sanskar...please take her to Swara" Sujata pleaded Sanskar, as she held his arm for admitting Kavita in Swara's hospital.
"Nahi Mom" he denied knowing Kavita wasn't a trustworthy person.
"Tujhe meri kasam...ya to use waha le ja ya tu mera mara hua muh dekhega" Sujata used her final weapon.
"Mooom" he shouted in anger, not being able to take what she said.
Just like Swara, Sanskar also loved his mother a lot...more than anyone else. He could even happily die for her happiness but what she had demanded today left him speechless. On one side, was his wife and on the other side, was his mother who had swears of dying if he didn't take Kavita to Swara.
He was in a dilemma. His mother had left him, to choose between her and his wife and he chose his mother. No matter what, his mother had to be his choice.
Kavita was the daughter of Sujata's friend and she loved her just like her daughter. That's why when she came to her asking for forgiveness of what she did to Sanskar, Sujata melted at her fake tears and got trapped into her fakeness. She couldn't understand it was her plan.
Sanskar forced Swara to accept Kavita as a patient for sake of his mother and he never told Swara about it because they both were suffering from the very same thing.
He had forced her for sake of his mother which he never knew would shatter Swara's mother's dream. He could never forgive himself for that and on the other side, Swara left him because it was him, she could not complete her mother's dreams because of.
No one was really right or no one was really at fault here. Circumstances weren't favorable for them. It separated the two people who loved each other immensely.
Flashback ends:
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"I am sorry Swara...I am sorry...I love you Swara...I love you"
"I am sorry Sanskar...but we can't be together...I love you and will always do"
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"Mana ki tumhare sath rehna meri kismat me nahi
Lekin tumhare dil se dur Jana, mere bas me bhi nahi"
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