Arshi FF: The Broken Hearts ( NEW LINK ADDED) pg 151 - Page 33

Chapter 6

Khushi squeezed her shut eyes and writhed in pain. Her face wrinkled in anguish as she once again saw someone hanging from the ceiling fan...someone dying. She tried to scream for help but no sound came from her throat, as though somebody had strangled her. She felt weak, restless and suffocated. She wanted to take deep breaths but couldn't. And then like always her heart came to her mouth and she sat up, eyes wide open, gasping for air. Her hand went to her neck and she realized how badly she was sweating. Her breathing was ragged and she could sense her heart thumping like the drums inside her chest.

Her room was already lit up but even then she switched on one more lamp. Her eyes fell on the calendar kept on the table and her gaze froze on the date. The nightmares were bound to haunt her. Unshed tears burnt her dark pools. No matter how hard she would push away that horrific night from her thoughts but it's painful memories always succeeded in entering her subconscious mind. Her painstaking past haunted her dreams. It disrupted her life. She desperately wanted to put her past behind and move ahead but feared to stumble and fall. There was only darkness around her. She didn't wish to get hurt. Her heart was already bruised. The wounds of her past had still not healed. She doubted she had the strength to endure more pain.

She went to her window and jerked it open, trying to inhale some fresh air.
The road outside was empty. There was no one. All the houses in the neighborhood had their lights shut. Everyone was sleeping...peacefully. She too wished to experience the calmness of the night...the delight of a sound sleep. But couldn't. Instead sleep enjoyed to play hide and seek with her. She'd attempt to seek it but it would hide somewhere far away, within the deep recesses of her fears.
If by chance she'd get lucky and find sleep then she'd regret later. Like she was doing tonight.
With an aching heart she looked at the sky outside. Her eyes attempted to search for some light...for some stars that could guide her through this darkness that was threatening to swallow her. But alas it was pitch dark. The grey clouds had wrapped all the stars in their embrace.
Tears of defeat, tears of loneliness rolled down her eyes. She wished to shout that she was all alone in this damn world. There was no one to be her light. No one to embrace her pain and wipe away the sorrows from her life.
And why???
Why was she so unfortunate to not have someone to lean on? To not have someone to feel her fear and free her from its clutches?
Didn't she deserve peace...care..love?
She didn't have the answers, only heart piercing questions to haunt and traumatize her.

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May 27, 20xx
Okay I admit I screwed up. Yes I had vowed to stay away from Khushi and I did avoid her. When I spotted her outside Mr. Bannerjee's office, I didn't stop to ask what she was up to? Though I was curious but still I preferred to walk away as if I hadn't seen her. But then she called and stopped me. She expected me to join her group of students and protest against the faculty which I... didn't. I refused her point blank ( mind you, for the first time I denied her something) which surprised her but I didn't change my stand. Shouting slogans, threatening the authorities and making a scene of an unfortunate incident, didn't appeal to me so I decided to stay out of it.
I would have left and not looked back but the thought of leaving Khushi with shyam and his friends made me uneasy so I stopped to watch over her. Again I don't know why I was worried for her? When I had made up my mind to leave her with her issues and not interfere still I couldn't back out. This growing concern for her bothers me. I wish to keep distance but I can't because at the back of my mind I know that she needs me. She genuinely needs me. She's too innocent and her innocence can be easily manipulated. Her kind heart can be exploited with out much effort and that's what shyam did. And she like a fool trusted him.
Not just that she also jumped before a rowdy crowd to get stoned.

Such an idiot!

Tell me, who sensible person would do that? Till yesterday her innocence would make me smile but today her stupidity, enraged me and I just exploded like a volcano. My outburst scared her but somewhere I thought she deserved it. Life is precious and nobody should deal with it in a reckless manner.

Now I might have gone a little overboard with my anger and that surprised not just her but me as well. I normally don't loose my cool over someone so easily but with her it was different. I was different. I couldn't see someone harming her. Even now the thought of her getting hurt makes me panic. I'm a reserved person who likes to keep to himself but Khushi is bringing out a different Arnav out of me...and that disconcerts me.

And it's not just my behavior but even hers is confusing me. She's the same girl who a month back was getting ragged by shyam and doing nothing to stop him and save herself. A girl who was on the verge of tears on getting stuck over an assignment. And today the same girl was fighting with the principal ( who's office I showed her) for someone else. Readying to risk her life and future for someone else. A girl who couldn't stand for herself, today was giving strength to her friend.
Amazing...worth applauding and yet baffling at the same time.
Khushi is different, really different from what I thought of her.
In fact we both are extremely different from each other. If I wish to go left then she wishes to go right. Our choices...our thoughts don't match at all. Everything about her is very simple... Her dreams... her approach towards life. Everything.
If I dream to fly and touch the sky then she wishes to have her feet firmly planted to the ground.
We are poles apart yet these days I can't stop thinking about her. However now that I'm getting to know her better, I realize that we both belong to different worlds. Money is what that makes the world go round but in her small little world, it hardly plays a significant role. Strange.
I accept that opposites attract and that's what is happening between us, But eventually this attraction will fade away when the differences between us are sea deep.
So why pursue something that has no future? It's better to end it before it culminates into something heartbreaking.

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Arnav glanced down at his open palm. A tight smile tugged the corners of his lips as he gazed at Khushi's earring. It had stuck on his jacket after she had returned it to him. It wasn't raining heavily and she didn't need it yet he had lend it to her. Once again his concern for her had made him do so.
He took a deep breath. He needed to stop worrying about her. She wasn't a child, she was capable of looking after herself. It was this concern toward her that forbade him to move away from her. True, she needed him but then before meeting him, she was leading a peaceful and an independent life thus in future too she could manage without him.
He peered at the earring one more time. The way it touched her, it always fascinated him. But this fascination wouldn't sustain for long. It would end one day. So why not today?
With hands deposited in the pockets, Arnav looked around for Khushi in the college. A part of him thought why rush? But then delaying this matter would only complicate things. Suddenly he felt as if he was breaking up with Khushi. The thought was weird. What break up? They weren't in any kind of relationship in the first place.

So how would he put an end to all this?
Simple, by returning her earring and henceforth ignoring her completely... Like strangers.
Her classroom was empty. She wasn't in the canteen and library. Then where was she? Perhaps she didn't come to college. Arnav shrugged his shoulders and thought of going to the library when he spotted her far away, sitting in the lawn all alone. Arnav walked up and stood in front of her. With her head low, she failed to notice him.
" Khushi." It took her moment to raise her head and look up at him. Arnav furrowed his brows at the sight of her. Her eyes were swollen and she seemed distraught. Then to his surprise, she stood up and hugged him. Burying her face in his chest he heard her weeping.

What was wrong? Her hopeless sobs twisted his gut. The ice around his heart that he was attempting to freeze, melted like burning candle wax and automatically his arms came up to wrap around her. He didn't know for how long he held her. But slowly he found Khushi moving back. Embarrassed by her actions, she didn't dare to meet his worried and inquisitive gaze.
" Khushi...what's the matter?" His soft tone laced with care made her eyes fill again. She shook her dropped head, unable to speak past the knot in her throat.

She noticed he hadn't stepped back and was still waiting for her to speak at least something.
Tears choked her throat yet she opened her mouth. " it's personal." She didn't wish to burden him with her sorrows.
Arnav's mind suggested him to leave her alone. It reminded him of the promise he had made to himself. It was her life, her problem, she would tackle on her own.
He curled his fingers in a fist, determined to let her be, he turned around to leave.
He had barely taken a few steps when his soft heart overpowered his practical mind.
No, he couldn't leave her hopeless and helpless. If not anything more, he could at least let her pour her heart out to him.
He sat next to her on the bench and peered at her tear stained face.
" want to talk about it?" She didn't reply, just kept staring at nothing in particular.
He gave her some time to speak up but she remained silent like a statue.
Her wish.
Just when he thought that there was no use sitting there and he should go, she spoke.
" ten years back on this day I lost my father." Arnav turned his face to glance at her and found her staring at the grass in front of her.
" He committed suicide." The revelation startled him. He wished to intervene but didn't. It wasn't easy for her to share her past with him and he was giving her all the time she needed.
" He suffered a huge loss in his business..burdened by the debts he couldn't repay, he went into depression ...started drinking...and " Tears pricked the corners of her eyes as she recalled those tough days. Her father would come back home drunk, defeated and fight with her mother. Their arguments and fights were still clearly edged out in her mind .
" one night when I went to his room to wish him night...I found his room pitch dark...scared, I called him and turned on the light..."
Arnav could see how her face twisted, surely it was tough for her and he wished to stop her but thought that it would be better if she let it all out.
" and then? " he whispered. Khushi inhaled sharply and closed her eyes. The memory was still so fresh as though it happened yesterday.
" He had hung himself from the ceiling fan..He was dead." Her lips trembled and tears rolled down her eyes.
Arnav lifted his hand to hold hers but stopped mid air. He could feel her pain. He too had lost his parents when he was young.
Khushi opened her eyes and pressed her lips together. " He dotted on me. He loved me so much...still he left me." She turned to glance at Arnav.
" how could he be so selfish?"
" perhaps the guilt and inability to give his daughter a beautiful and comfortable life suppressed his love for his daughter . I'm sure it wouldn't have been easy for him." Khushi shook her head, she wasn't convinced.
" but Arnav ji, I didn't ask for dolls and dresses. For an eight year old girl her parents love is her real treasure." Since then the only thing money meant to Khushi was survival. Other than that, she could care less about what money could buy.
" what about your mother?" Surely she must have had her mother for support.
Khushi smiled through her tears. " with baba being no more, the responsibility of repaying the debts fell on her shoulders...and she too died while slogging herself day and night." Arnav felt awful seeing her broken and lost. She had a difficult childhood and he could see the reflection of it in her eyes.
" you know Arnav ji, at night maa used to show me the stars and tell me that these stars would be my real light. When I'd be alone, these stars would guide me." She bit her lower lip. " maa lied to me. The stars fail to dispel the darkness in my life. When I look up at the star studded sky, I don't find any star twinkling for me. " there was pain and bitterness in her voice as she continued. " till today that night haunts me. I have stars hanging on my bed but darkness still scares me."

Every word that escaped her lips, every tear that rolled down her eyes, tugged the corners of his heart. He couldn't imagine that she had no family. He too was an orphan but he had his daadi and di though he couldn't meet them often but still he had a few people in his life.
This time he didn't hesitate to hold her hand. " Khushi, do you live all alone?" Without meeting his eyes, she shook her head." No, I stay with my maama and maami." Her answer relieved him somewhat. His di too had kids and he being their maama absolutely adored them. A smile played on his lips as he thought of them.
" I'm sure your uncle and aunt love you...nieces and nephews are too sweet to not be loved." Khushi didn't know what to say? She didn't wish to lie to him at the same time she couldn't bring herself to tell him the truth. Her uncle still cared for her but her aunt...the bitter words that she spat in the morning still echoed in Khushi's ears.
Her silence disconcerted him. He pressed her hand softly. " isn't it?" Khushi winced and pulled her hand back. Surprised by her reaction, Arnav looked down at her hand. He gently opened her closed palm. His eyes widened when he saw it burnt.
" Khushi, what's this? How did you hurt yourself?" Khushi glanced at her hand then again moved it back.
" while heating the pan, I accidentally burnt myself." Arnav clenched his jaws. She was lying to him..She was not even looking at him.
" was it really an accident?" Khushi turned her face to hide the tears that were threatening to well up in her eyes.
" for God's sake Khushi, tell me what happened and..don't lie to me."
" I thought of offering some Prasad in the temple on baba's behalf...but maami didn't like the idea. She pushed the hot pan from the stove ...and it burnt my hand. By mistake."
Arnav flared his nostrils in anger. How could her aunt be so insensitive and that too on such a day? And she was calling it a mistake!
" by thinking that it was all unintentional, you're lying to yourself and that's a mistake." He didn't need to hear more from her mouth to know how badly she was treated by her aunt. Sick woman!
" Khushi, why do you stay with them? You're an adult now. I'm sure you can manage on your own. In fact I can find you a job and you can stay in a working women's hostel." She quietly heard him but didn't respond. Just a lone tear fell from her eye.
" I'm telling you Khushi, you need to get out of this mess and start a fresh and free life. Leave them...they are not worth your tears." She wiped her face with the back of her hand.
" I can't. They are my family." Arnav didn't believe her. " what family are you talking about? A family that doesn't care about you!"
Khushi knew he was right, yet she couldn't leave them. Blame her fear or insecurity, she couldn't lay a finger on what didn't let her to take this drastic step .
" Arnav ji, they supported and sheltered me when my parents left me. All these years they have been my only family. Today if I can stand on my feet then that's also because of them." Agreed she felt burdened by their favours but still she couldn't ruin her life for them.
" but don't you think by leaving that house you would be happier?"

She smirked at herself.
" snapping ties, breaking relations might be easy for others but not me. I can't abandon people just like that and as far as being happy is concerned...I think I'm jinxed. Jinxed to live a lonely life. Jinxed to lose people who love me...Jinxed to have no one to call my own." She hid her face with her hands and began sobbing.
Arnav felt miserable seeing her like that. He wished to wrap his arms around her and shield her from anything that the world wanted to throw at her. And before he knew he was pulling her hands away from her face and cupping it in his hands.
" Khushi, you aren't alone. You have me." She looked back at him in surprise.
" really?"

He swiped the tears that escaped down her cheek with the pad of his thumb and nodded.
" you have no idea, what these precious pearls dropping from your eyes do to me." His words made her smile. She wished to believe them and somewhere she did.

Out of nowhere she asked ," do you also drink ?" he frowned , what kind of a question was that ? he shook his head. " I don't ."

She nodded in approval. " good. First you consume alcohol and then alcohol consumes you and everything around you ."

The college bell rang loudly forcing Arnav to drop his hands. He reluctantly glanced at his watch.
" Arnav ji, you must be getting late for your class. You should be leaving." Arnav was in two minds, he didn't know if he should leave her.
She flashed him a smile. " I'm much better now." She didnt wish to thank him and diminish the value of his words.
" sure?" He asked before standing. She blinked her eyes and nodded.
As Arnav walked back he thought of what he had just said. They weren't frivolous, meaningless words. They were words of promise.
An hour back he had made up his mind to leave Khushi with her problems and not look back at her. However he had ended up doing exactly it's opposite. And surprisingly he wasn't regretting it. Perhaps he was thinking too much about their future. Perhaps they could just be " good friends." And nothing more. Yeah they could be friends without getting deeply involved with each other.

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At night Khushi opened her old trunk and took out her childhood album. Tonight she wanted revisit her past. A past that had good memories of her childhood. A past that wasn't painful but beautiful. She smiled as she fingered the old pictures of hers with her maa and baba. Pictures of her playing with baba, giggling with maa, soothed her. After years she was looking back at her life with less fear and more of peace.

With the clock ticking away and the night progressing, she was slightly less scared to sleep. Though she would have preferred to spend this night wide awake but her puffy eyes and heavy eyelids dropped on their own. And when she finally drifted off to sleep, as expected she saw darkness around her. She saw herself caught in a dark cave...alone and helpless. Once again panic and fear began to consume her. In the absence of any trace of light she didn't know how to find her way out. She took some blind steps but stumbled. However she didn't fall. A pair of safe hands wrapped around her prevented her from falling. She couldn't see who had saved her, but the touch seemed familiar. A confident hand held hers and walked her out of the dark cave. As she stepped out, there was light around her. The world outside was beautiful. She turned to look at who held her, safe and close.
Her pink lips stretched in a smile as she whispered. " Arnav ji."

Thanks for reading

Rose