Late night ramblings
Nandini
The clock on her bedside table shows 12:30 am. She is filled with jealousy at the peaceful expression on Manik's sleeping face. How can he fall asleep so fast and so easily every day, given his past habits... while she has to struggle with insomnia when she never had to before? She decides to blame it all on Denmark and the change in lifestyle and time zones. Of course, not to mention the swirling thoughts inside her head at his fast approaching 21st birthday, while she has no plans whatsoever...at least so far.
A shudder goes down her spine, tears form instinctively ... as she recalls his last birthday celebration and the dreaded 4 months before that. Those 4 excruciatingly long months... and people around her begging her to face the reality, his best friends, his fab5 had also engaged in an unsaid cold war of who missed him more -her or them, and the only uniting factor between them, had been Manik. But nothing had deterred her faith in their promises of hamesha's. She knew as sure as she could breathe, that he would never let the glow of their fireflies die, and for that alone, she might have appeared delusional to the outside world. But all she had been doing was waking up every single day and trying not to lose hope and faith in living. Sometimes, the voices around her told her to move on, sometimes they pitied her and sometimes, they tested her patience under the guise of friendship. But all she wanted to do was keep loving him and keep hoping for his safe return. Her mother's belief about love had not been proven wrong so far, so why should it now?
She looks back at his sleeping form and silently thanks Aiyappa for bringing him back to her and for restoring her faith and belief in fireflies. Their love, buried deep within themselves had resurfaced again. Amidst all the emotions and teary eyed promises, they had decided never to take their love for granted-not that they ever did...but they had now realised that nothing could ever come close to losing the other person, their previous fights and breakups, the reasons felt minuscule and childish, compared to their individual journeys in the past 4 months...and now all that was left was to hold each other's hands and carry on towards their hamesha.
She smiles as she recalls their last night in India...having finished her own packing much earlier than was actually necessary, she had gone to visit him, knowing he hadn't even started his yet. Wanting to surprise him with an early dinner, she had proceeded towards his room when she had been stopped short of voices. Realising that it was also fab5 meeting for one last time before they both left for Denmark, she had decided to leave, hoping to giving them some alone time. However, the mention of her name had stopped her from turning around. After all, how often did she hear Manik speaking about her to fab5? Add to that the tone of his voice- one she had never heard him use in front of them before... and curiosity eventually won. His unabashed way of expressing his emotions and feelings about her to the only other people who mattered to him, something he had never done before, touched her beyond imagination.
She attributes it now to the 4-month change' in him- a list that is increasing day by day and she is eager to find out more. She is glad that their love has given him the strength to explore unopened chapters of his life, just as it did to her. Smiling, she turns around in her bed and immediately curses as the bed squeaks loudly, earning a groan from a frustrated and sleepy Manik. He might have had a gala time teasing her about the connotations of this particular aspect when they first moved into the house - a predicament that had led her to blush deeply and rush into the bathroom not only to avoid facing him, but because his words had turned her on- the fact that they were all alone in this house, with no boundaries except their own was too much for her to deal with at that moment. But right now, the noise did nothing except piss him off. She resolves yet again, to find a way to get back at him when he enters these zones of teasing - after all, she cannot always let him win.
Go to sleep Nandini... what is the matter with you? We are in Denmark, you have to adjust to this time zone now, it might be 4 am in India, but technically it's just one hour since we fell asleep.' he mutters sleepily as he checks his watch and turns around in the tiny 4-feet space on the sofa, trying to find his sweet spot to go back to sleep.
Suppressing a tiny smile at that, but completely ignoring his rants, she gets up from the offensive bed. A bold and mischievous voice inside her wants to go over to him, kiss him senseless, wake him up again and snuggle down on the sofa next to him...but having witnessed his irritation at the disturbance, she decides the outcome would be far from romantic and proceeds instead to the balcony. A month into Europe and she is still not used to the strangeness of the new land. And to think, she felt Mumbai weird. She remembers the awkwardness upon realising that it's practical to spend money on just one house when they will be living in Denmark for a relatively short time. The thought of living with each other right after being together for a short amount of time which had already been preceded by 4 months of absence from each other, in an unknown land had been nerve wrecking on her 19 yr old self. Especially having been to one to insist that they should now learn to deal with these situations on their own, as they had been bold enough to take the huge decision of moving to Europe; overriding Manik's insistence that they find another house. After all, they might end up spending their entire time together, barring Manik's sessions and the mandatory 8 hours of sleep. So why waste money on a second house? She chuckles to herself thinking that that was probably the only time given their history of fights and quarrels that they had managed to find a solution that was so unanimously agreed upon and neither had felt a sense of compromise.
It could have also been the boldest step she had ever taken and therefore her voice had been cracking with fear and anticipation in the wake of Amms' reaction- they had mutually decided she was the first one amongst the three adults to be subjected to this "bad" news. To her extreme surprise, although not thrilled about it, Amms had quickly relented. Apparently, her Amms was supremely pragmatic in thinking that it would just be two people sharing an apartment, and moreover, would it not be safe to stay together in an unknown country rather than living alone?- definitely an argument that won over chacha-chachi...not that they would have opposed Amms' decision in the first place. Of course, neither of the three adults felt like expressing the repercussions of letting two teenagers live together alone, in a land away from home and all the societal inhibitions. And neither Manik nor Nandini felt like enlightening them. This, however, did not stop chachi from bombarding them both with the talk' on their last day, the only time she had seen Manik getting thoroughly embarrassed and shy. But it was only after landing in Europe, during her customary safety call to Amms, that she knew the real reason her Amms had been so relaxed. It was not because she was okay with the idea of Nandini living with a boy, it was because the boy in question had been Manik. She feels surprised at the intensity of emotions she feels as she remembers that phone call, her adoration and respect for the person Manik had become and the journey he had traversed- to have won Amms' trust after such a short acquaintance was no mean feat according to her, despite the obvious direction of thoughts her Amms' mind might have taken.
It hadn't surprised her that Manik had insisted upon them sleeping in different rooms, but eventually it did bother her that she could not see him before closing her eyes or after waking up, despite knowing that he was in the same house. So it was decided that they would sleep in the same room, but not share the same bed of course. She was surprised to find herself both frustrated and glad at this particular turn of events. Frustrated, because she knew she wanted to be with him, but some unknown inhibitions were preventing her from giving in to her feelings, and glad she did not feel right to force herself until the time was right. She sighs, yet again, as she tries to figure out, what might have closed her off to the physical intimacy that they had once shared so easily. It is not that the passion is gone, when he initiates a kiss, she feels herself losing in the moment, but eventually a time comes where she is the one to stop it. And she knows it is not because she is scared or shy... at least not any more. They have gone all the way before so why should she feel the need to slow down now? Why was she suddenly walking one step behind him? She can sense his frustration every time she stops him or does not respond to his passion and one part of her feels thoroughly bad for putting him through it, while the other part feels grateful that he understands. She looks back at him on the sofa, admiring his peaceful and handsome form, while at the same time cursing him for her insomnia and train of thoughts.
Manik
He envies the balcony enjoying her presence, his frustration at being rudely awakened long gone. He is sure he will not fall back to sleep now. But rather than joining her in the balcony as his hormones are screaming, he reluctantly decides to be happy with his thoughts. Besides, he already knows how the encounter would end, anyway. It is not as though they have taken a step back in that aspect of their relationship, but he still feels that he is a step ahead in needing the closeness more often. He does not want to increase her pace but wants to understand her instead. He wonders where all this patience is coming from, and then realises that it is only because of and for her. He is the one initiating it most of the times since his return and although he has no complaints about that, he does not want to push her beyond her current comfort zone. Especially when he knows that the factor preventing her from initiating more often isn't fear or shyness. Nope, that boat has sailed away a long time ago. He tries and fails miserably to not be aroused, as he remembers her birthday in Mangalore, the first time they felt a true sense of physical intimacy. And with Amms within a shouting distance, for God's sakes! Nope...his Nandini is definitely bold, it has to be something else. He knows it has been relatively easy for him, he had been pining for her, knowing she was out there and it was merely his own ego that prevented him from calling her or talking to her directly, as a result his feelings over the time had increased and his need exponentially multiplied. But he knows it's a different story for her. She had to deal with the over bearing emotions of losing him to death and then finding him back again, only to deal with his own baggage. He still feels his heart breaking at his initial anger at her. It has never made him happy to hurt her, no matter how hurt he himself was. But, when faced with the power of her overconsuming love, the anger had eventually dissolved into nothingness with her healing touch. She had healed him once again- healed him from his insecurities in such a way that made him feel neither guilty nor sad for having them, but in fact grateful, because it brought them both closer than ever. The only regret he has even now is that of not winning over his ego, not contacting her for so long and not being with her. He knew the reasons triggering those particular chain of thoughts then, right after the accident - that she, of all the people had not come and looked for him. He was in a dark place then and had since then recovered, but there was still a long way to go.
He wonders, whether this is the reason she has been holding back. After all, an entire chapter of their life has been written apart from each other. It must not have been easy for her to deal with his come back and his insecurities and yet, she had... it is only now, after so many months, when he is on the path to recovery, that he is beginning to see clearly from her point of view. He silently thanks her Aiyappa and fireflies for never letting her give up on him, because he does not know where he would be were it not for her love. If Fab5 had made sure long time ago that he would not be sucked into the darkness, she had made sure time and again, that he was strong enough to pull himself out of it.
He is glad that he makes her happy and hopes that he can help her deal with her own demons- starting with the problem in hand. He is sure it is not because she doesn't want him, but something else. This disturbs him more, because the problem could be anything. Hormones had no doubt eased out their discomfort in the beginning, especially in the immediate aftermath of his return- due to the absence, and on the day they moved to Europe- due to the anticipation of a different life. But once they had settled down into their routines, he realised that she was finding it increasingly difficult to give into the feelings as easily as she once had.
The first couple of days after moving into the house had proceeded in them sleeping in separate rooms and then not sharing the same bed despite being in the same room - and he had been shocked to see himself suggesting that on both the occasions. Between the two of them he had always felt it would be Nandini who would suggest that, given the recent nature of events. He realises now that as much as he was thinking of his own lack of self-control, it had perhaps been a good decision to ensure her comfort. He knows she would not exactly hold it against him if he pushed them towards what they both yearned for, but at the same time he wanted her to feel the need as much as him. Never one for commitment issues, he had known that she is the one right from the moment he had told her that he loved her. There was no looking back then and now, after they had been forced to live so much time apart from each other, all he wants to do is make up for those lost moments by simply listening to her beautiful thoughts, experience the selflessness of her heart and admire the woman she has become. So the occasional sexual frustrations and setbacks are just a part of growing up, right? As is the overbearing need of holding her close and making sure she feels happy, no matter how shitty his own day has been. Mainly, he wants to make their time in Denmark memorable in a way that will help her forget the nightmare of being away from him. An entire chapter had been written without each other and they had to make sure that the chapter would not dominate their future. Most importantly, he does not want to rush towards the finish line without enjoy the journey.
He tries to fall asleep again, but in vain. He knows they should not have shared a room together, he would have been blissfully unaware of the fact that she is awake and how wonderful and warm she might feel in his arms at this very instant. Unable to control the urge any more, he gets up from the sofa and walks towards the balcony. Silently creeping behind her petite frame he engulfs her in his arms, earning a series of words decorated successively with surprise, fear, annoyance and eventually adoration. She then turns around and leans back into him, but not before smacking him hard; he laughs and kisses her forehead in return and wonders how she can smell exactly the same as she did last evening on their dinner date.
"Why do you always have to creep around like that??" she asks bringing him back to the present
"You asked for it, why did you have to wake me up?"
"I did NOT wake you up, the bed did""
He doesn't even register what she is talking about any more, as he continues the explorations of her neck with his lips. A few moments into the process and he realises faintly that she has stopped talking and closed her eyes. As he reaches her ears, he senses a shiver run down her body and feels her turn around in his arms. Closing the distance between them, he claims her lips, wondering for the thousandth time how soft and tiny they are and yet in a few minutes they own him. It is a fierce battle of lips and tongues and they are both fighting for dominance. They break apart for a moment to catch their breaths, and he can sense that she is not done yet...yet he knows that there is a lot more to be talked and discussed about, before they end around in circles like every time.
Edited by mads - 9 years ago
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