Epistle 74: The Roots of AddictionA/N: Hey there everyone! :D :D Here is the next update! :D :D
Happy Reading! :D :D
28th September, 2007:
I hate myself. Oh, I hate myself so much!
Am I simply incapable of ever knowing happiness? Am I simply incapable of not being a burden upon others? Is that why everyone leaves me? Is that why Ranveer is leaving me too? Oh yes... yes... Baa was right. This must be it. I'm not loveable. Yes, maybe that's why nobody wants to stay with me. Oh, how stupid of me to hope that somebody would ever love me...
How presumptuous of me.
It's been four days and the house has been taken by a storm. How Ranveer had pulled me along to his college the moment I slapped him awake from his shocked spell, and confirmed the whole scholarship letter to be genuine. That's a memory I'll never forget. It was all real; this was no prank. His price money was handed over to him along with a quick itinerary of what was to be done from this point forth.
And from then, things have been a roller-coaster ride.
I still remember the moment Papa found out about it... He'd gone mental with happiness! He asked Ranveer to confirm his acceptance then and there, and so did I. But what did I know? I was stupid... I didn't realize that letting him pursue his dreams and ambitions would mean him leaving me. Not until Baa was kind enough to bring this to my notice. Oh, Kaka and Kaki have been so worried about the finance and the course and the change of country and everything that was happening so quickly, but Papa reassured them that he would take care of it and manage it all.
All it depended upon was whether Ranveer wanted to accept the seat or not. After three days of maddening discussions and more contemplations, Ranveer finally replied to the letter in the affirmative. It was giddy excitement for all of us except Baa, ofcourse. She thought it was preposterous that a servant was being given so much importance out of the blue. But nothing mattered - all that did was that Ranveer had finally got the break he was looking for. This might very well be the first step towards achieving his dreams.
And then, shit happened.
Oh, you know that I've been going through my low phase again since the past one week. Even Ranveer doesn't know about this. How could I tell him when he had so much going on of his own? I had to be strong for him even though it wasn't my suit to be so, especially when I was at my most vulnerable. I don't know what went wrong, but I've been feeling lost. Empty. Like I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Maybe it was seeing Ranveer put his life and soul into something that would very well have led to nothing had it not been for the miraculous scholarship.
Ranveer always tells me that hiding my pain and letting it implode isn't my thing because it kills me and messes me up even more. But I had to try it for his sake! And now that he'd found what he's worked so hard for, I knew that I could let it go. I could begin to unblock my own emotions. But I had to be happy for him. I had to be his moral support because he scared so easily in things like this! And yet... yet there was a hollow emptiness underneath the cheery facade. I was happy in my heart, but deep down, there was something tugging and nagging at it and I did not like it.
Right now, I was just researching things upon the net about what Ranveer would need for his stay in Australia and what study materials he would be needing to buy when Baa entered my room, looking disinterested. She never made detours to my room ever, so this was clearly an uncalled-for visit. I looked up and shot her a polite smile that she returned for the first time. Well, that was new. She came and sat upon my bed without another word, giving me a sympathetic smile that I could not place. She'd never done this before.
What was she up to?
"How are you doing?" she asked, her tone gentle.
Wow, life is full of surprises, eh? She's never, ever used this tone with me. Not even when my mother was just an employee to Papa.
"Er, I'm alright. Just a little busy," I replied politely, hoping that she wouldn't cut into my time. I still had a lot of things to search and find out for Ranveer. She patted my hand sympathetically.
"You must be busy with preparing for Ranveer's departure, no?" she asked again, looking at me curiously with a smile upon her face.
Wow, I think this is the longest she's ever managed to remain civil with me in a conversation since ages. I should have known that no good was going to come out of it though. Since when did the old woman bring any good anyway?
"Yes," I told her brusquely, hoping not to sound rude but to get the point across.
She could chit-chat later too! Why then, of all moments? I should have been on my guard! Damn it, Ranveer was right! I just had no sense! I let the old woman mess with my brains at my most vulnerable! And I cannot even get it out of my head now because say what she did, she was right! I'm nothing without him! I'm incapable of existing without Ranveer!
"It must be hard for you..." she began, looking at me with what I now realize was mock-pity.
How stupid could I get, really? Is that why Ranveer remains so worried about me all the time and thinks me incapable of surviving in this world? Because I'm too naive to see people's ulterior motives? If this is the state now, what is going to happen when he leaves me for Australia? He hasn't even left and I'm being exploited left, right and center!
"Hard? Why?" I questioned dumbly, and she gives me a long, hard look.
I guess she must have been thinking about how to play her cards. Whatever she did, she did it right. Manipulation! I'm sick of this word! Is this world incapable of knowing anything else? And why am I out of all people a victim to it always?
"Well, you'll be all alone now, won't you? No friends, no well-wishers, and definitely no shield to take all your mistakes over his head..." she jeered, camouflaging her tone with the sweetest of sugar-coats.
Oh, how I wish I could slap away that silly smile off her face, and yet there was a cold foreboding that entered my heart in painful treachery.
"I, uh, I-" was all I could stutter in response.
The words had fled my lips, leaving behind in its wake a frightened heart too afraid to concoct any more words. And for the first time in eleven years, I felt like time had turned back to stop where it'd begun. My journey into the Parekh household as the same cold, frightened Ishaani, devoid of the Parekh tag. The same girl whose heart had more black than red, who'd known more thorns than petals. The same girl who never knew what it felt like to be loved until a certain nine-year old boy had entered her life, changing it forever and for the better.
My best friend. My only friend.
The boy who had taught me to laugh, to life. Who'd made every single day of my life worth cherishing. The strongest memory I could ever withhold... Something that nothing could rob me of. The boy who loved and cared for me as a friend like no one else did. The boy who could throw away his life for me as long as it meant my safety and well-being. The boy who was my invisible shield... Who protected me from things I didn't even know up until this moment when I felt exposed... naked. Weak.
How could words form when my heart was so busy taking in the weight of the truth that was dawning upon my senses - there would be no Ranveer with me anymore? There would be no saviour, no light, and no invisible benefactor anymore. Just me. Just me against the cruel world. There would be no happiness, no joy, and no purpose of fighting anymore. Just the suffocating hands of the society pulling me down with it. All along, he'd been my anchor. Without it, I was just a sinking boat.
I was just a doll with a broken back.
"Oh, but its okay, I guess. He's going to make a career. Not that I think he's going to do any much good, to be honest. Everybody aren't born with a fate of gold. Maybe you'll have a better chance when you go abroad. You are going abroad now, aren't you?" asked Baa, but it was more of a taunt.
But I couldn't care less in the moment, not when I felt that I'd run out of breath any moment. The truth of what was going to happen was beginning to suffocate me, blocking out all other thoughts.
Somewhere far across, I felt the sensation of nails being dug into my skin. Far off. Not painful enough to snap me back to reality. Not painful enough to remind me that Baa was sitting in front me, observing every single expression upon my face with malicious delight. And yet I knew it all without even having to look. Yes. It was all there right in front on me. And the pain in my arms suddenly grew sharper until reality came back into focus, along with the urge to throw up.
No...
This was not a reality that I wanted to live in. No... I wanted to go back in time! Relive every single moment with Ranveer as though there would be no tomorrow! This was not a freak show that I wanted to live through... If time had to end, it had to end now. My world had to end now! What good was any of it without Ranveer? What good was a world without colours in it, without life in it?
"I don't know... I-" was all I could whisper hoarsely, and that too after a couple of minutes passed by.
Or maybe it was all just a moment. A moment infused with the world's most terrible heartache. A moment's worth of truth sufficient to crack my illusion of the safety bubble that Ranveer had protected me with for so many years. The bubble would fall apart any moment; burst like it never existed. How would I take it then? How would I bear the harsh realities of the chilliest of winds and the prickliest of heat?
"Oh yeah... Harshad said he'd only allow you to if Ranveer accompanied you now, didn't he? Maybe Ranveer will leave his education mid-way for you," added Baa, and my mind was pulled out of the vortex of my never-ending abyss-like thoughts. I frowned.
"What?" I asked her, wondering what she was playing at.
She'd achieved what she wanted - I could not think straight any more. And with every passing minute, I only kept sinking into that unwelcome pit of despair and loneliness. Oh, how I wish I could call her names that Ranveer said were too inappropriate to use because she was older to us and we were supposed to respect her. Really? She tried to manipulate a nineteen-year old girl into realizing what a despondent life she was going to be leading without her best friend!
What demon is she possessed with?!
"Well, you consider the servant your 'friend'. Don't you think it's his duty to do so?" she dared to question me! How could she? And calling him a servant, again! Oh, how I wanted to tell her to get out of the room and never show her face again to me, but the words still wouldn't come. Why was I so tongue-tied? Why did I feel so desperate? Why did I feel so... alone?
When I refused to say anything, she instigated further.
"Oh, so you won't be taking him along then? You'll sacrifice your career for the servant?"
Oh, what was her business, anyway? Just concentrate on your life, woman! Why was she so hell-bent on making my life into a living hell?
"Stop calling him that," I hissed finally, my voice coming back out of nowhere.
Maybe it was the disdain with which she referred to him as a servant. I could never take it when anyone spoke of him like that. I felt my nails dig into my skin with more clarity this time yet I didn't gasp. I was used to doing this for years now. Ranveer never liked this habit of mine, but we all have our share of good and bad habits now, don't we?
"You didn't answer my question," cut in Baa, breaking into my line of thoughts once again. I looked up at her, daring to meet her eyes in defiance.
"There's still time for it," I replied tartly and she gave me a cruel smile.
"He won't return back. He's an opportunist, just like all of his kind. Mark my words, he'll leave you all alone to rot and won't look back to give you a second chance," she jested, and I could feel my hand clench into fists.
Oh, if someone would just let me punch her for talking crap about Ranveer!
"Then you clearly don't know him," I remarked coldly, getting off of the bed in anger.
"If he could give his life for Papa-" I continued but she raised her hand, getting up from the bed much faster than would be normal for her age. Oh, I'd offended her ego. How nice! Finally a little solace to what she was doing to me.
"More than well-paid for. He didn't actually die or lose out or anything now, did he?" she retorted snidely, and I grit my teeth, now outraged.
"I'm busy. If you don't mind-" I began rudely, not bothered whether she whipped me or burned an iron upon my hand for it.
It was worth it. The stand was worth it.
I would not take any nonsense about him anymore! How dare she say all that about him after all these years of loyalty? Was that the price of loyalty that Ranveer deserved at the end of it all?
"The world's a terrible place, Ishaani. Choose the people you trust wisely," she warned suddenly, her black eyes lurking into my own teary ones in a threat.
"Ranveer is there to help me with that, thank you," I retorted coldly, and yet her gaze felt like a poison seeping into my heart, turning it colder and colder with every passing minute.
Oh, the pain... the anguish... the loneliness... I'd left all of that behind when Ranveer had entered my life. I didn't want to return to that life again. I hated that life! I hated that existence!
"And what about when he isn't? Honestly, are you even capable of surviving a day without him?" she asked me one final question before leaving the room haughtily, her head held high. She'd hit the final nail in the coffin. The job was done. I was screwed up emotionally.
The door shut, leaving the question locked along with myself in the room. And with it, the daunting realization in bold. Ranveer wann't be there with me anymore. He wasn't going to be with me. He wasn't. I'd be all alone. All alone... Lost, lonely... abandoned. No, Ranveer would never do that. Why would he? He cares for me so much! I'm his best friend! Best friends never do that now, do they?
But the job, the scholarship! That'd been him leaving me alone with these... these devils! All alone! What was I going to do without him? How was I going to survive without him?! I could not even have any important occasion of my life without him because it made it feel wrong. Incomplete. Then how was it that I was supposed to let go of him for two whole years? No... No... He can't leave me and go like this!
I'd die without him!
Oh my God, I'm so disgusting! I... I don't know what to do! Everything is just... wrong! Wrong! I cannot understand what's happening... Nothing feels good anymore... I feel sick... tainted... a sinner. I don't deserve to be like this, I don't deserve to feel like this. No... No... I couldn't let him go... I couldn't... I can't face myself anymore! I can't make him sacrifice it all for me! No I can't! Oh no... No wonder he doesn't want to be with me anymore! I'd kill him like this! But... but what about the gaping hole in my heart without him? Nobody can fill that... No one...
No, I can't let him go!
"Ishaani, is my schedule- what are you doing?"
Ishaani looked up from her diary to see Ranveer standing by the door, the excitement on his face quickly fizzling away at her sight. And with it came along a fear in his eyes. Ranveer stared at her, taking in her frazzled form, the paranoia in her eyes evident. He walked into the room hurriedly just as Ishaani pushed herself out from her chair, staring at him blankly.
"Ranveer, I... I..." muttered Ishaani as she fell upon him, Ranveer breaking her fall as her head hit his chest. He patted her cheeks lightly, and noticed instantly that she had a temperature.
"Ishaani, are you alright?" asked Ranveer, now tensed as he gently separated Ishaani from himself and made her meet eyes with him. Her eyes glistened and kept shutting simultaneously, looking as though she would collapse any minute.
"Ranveer, please don't go... Please..." she begged, holding his collar in a protective grip.
Ranveer gasped in shock - this was unexpected. Hadn't she just given him a lecture two hours ago about this being a goldmine opportunity and how he had to start thinking about himself and his future, that he could not plan his life with accordance to others? What had changed so suddenly?
"What?" he whispered, his tone disbelieving.
Ishaani let go of a sob and cupped his cheek, her eyes now alight with a frenzy that positively frightened Ranveer. The last time he had seen her like that was days before his eighteenth birthday when she'd come to confront him about their estrangement.
That was one night where she'd frightened him and tonight was another.
"Please... No... Don't abandon me..." she whispered again in the same mantra, her eyes darting to and fro across his entire face as though she was trying to memorize its structure bone for bone.
Ranveer looked at her worriedly, her gaze now stirring a prickle of fear in his heart. Why was she looking at him as though he was some kind of a hallucination that would disappear the moment she'd take her eyes off of him?
"Ishaani, what are you talking about?" asked Ranveer, gulping slowly as Ishaani pulled herself away from him, walking up to the bed with her head in her hands. Her fingers were running all through her hair and messing it up, but she didn't seem to care about that. She fell upon the bed clumsily, her eyes suddenly shut in a faint prayer.
"I won't be able to stay without you... don't leave me here alone with these fiends..." she whispered as Ranveer rushed to her side, cupping her cheek in worry.
He could not help but feel ice enter his heart at Ishaani's sudden change in reaction. Wasn't she the happiest person because of the scholarship offer? Wasn't she the one who convinced him to accept it? Wasn't she the one who was so proud of him? Then why the change now?
Disappointment gushed into his heart along with a sinking feeling in his stomach. He didn't like this at all. Not when he had actually begun looking forward to it. He was doing it all for her, couldn't she see that?! Why was she suddenly so pessimistic about it? And why was she holding on to him as though holding on to him as though she'd cease to exist if she left him?
"Ishaani, what are you saying? Weren't you the one who wanted me to go to Australia and forced me to accept the offer?" he asked as he raised her face and stared at her tiredly.
He was tired of this happening over and over again. How many times would he have to kill his own fears to accommodate hers now? And why at a time like this when everything was going right?
"I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT, OKAY!" she yelled, yanking his collar forcefully, tears pouring out her eyes now.
She looked broken... lost... lonely. And Ranveer didn't know why. Had he gotten so involved in his own pains and troubles so much that he'd forgotten to see hers? Had he missed out on something she'd hidden away so effortlessly?
"Ishaani, didn't you want me to fulfill my dreams?" he asked her softly as their eyes met and Ranveer found Ishaani's softening. There was no anger or hate or disappointment in them. Just fear and desperation of something he couldn't place. He could see her eyes shutting softly as the words left her lips in a murmur.
"I do, Ranveer... Oh, I do so much!"
"I'm doing this for Mota Babuji, for my parents... for you!" he whispered as she opened her eyes again, and he felt the same sensation of drowning into her gaze. Her gaze that was not alive today with the twinkle of joy but with tears of what he now realized were pain.
"Ranveer, please... Don't leave me... Please... Don't go!" she pleaded softly, her head falling weakly against his own as she cupped his cheeks.
Ranveer gasped in shock - she'd never done that before. She'd never been this close to him. No... He couldn't succumb now, not when his journey had just begun. Oh, he could leave it all for her and just spend the rest of his life holding her like this.
But would it be enough? Love just didn't fill stomachs at the end of the day. He had to make sure he was her equal before he could think about making her his own. He had to make a name for himself, a career for himself. And above all, a future for themselves.
"I've already applied for my passport and visa, Ishaani! It's too late!" he replied as he separated herself from him, flabbergasted.
Their proximity left him awkward every single time and today, it seemed to do so more than ever. Yet Ishaani didn't seem to care about it at all. She caught his cheeks again, her eyes now demented.
"No, it's never too late! Please!" she begged frantically, her eyes bulging as though someone was torturing her every second.
Ranveer noticed that she'd begun to perspire from her head and suddenly realized that something was drastically wrong. This couldn't be Ishaani. There was something at the back of her mind driving her to do this.
"Ishaani, what happened? This is not you... Tell me... what happened? Did someone say something? Did Baa tell you anything?" he asked suddenly as an afterthought, and he got his answer when her face paled. She remained silent but now began to cry in earnest, her head falling upon Ranveer's shoulder tiredly. He didn't have it in him to push her off this time, so he let his arms encircle her in an embrace, letting her cry her heart out.
"Ishaani, stop crying... I cannot help you if you don't tell me what happened," he whispered soothingly into her ears but she only continued to cry as though she was mourning someone or something.
After exactly a thousand-eight-hundred stabs into his soul that only brutally intensified with every passing second, Ishaani spoke drowsily into his chest.
"I'm tired... I want to sleep..."
Ranveer gently pulled Ishaani away from him and noticed that her face had gone red with all the crying. She must have had a headache. Gently opening the drawer, he removed the bottle of Vicks from it and sighed. Laying her upon the bed, Ranveer tucked her in cozily as she whispered to herself incoherently. Applying the balm upon her forehead quickly, he got up wearily and decided to tell Falguni about her ill-health when his eyes fell upon her arms.
He could see nail marks all over them, some of the marks deep enough to leave traces of blood upon the wounds. He looked bewildered... This was unusual. She hadn't got hurt recently. But she did have the habit of digging her nails into her skin whenever she was anxious or panicking or upset about something. He hated her habit but it was something he could do nothing about either. No matter how much he told her, she would never listen.
Or more accurately, she had no control upon herself; it was her reflex to cope.
He noticed her nails and saw the blood upon the edges, signifying the culprit. He quickly covered her arms with the blanket and shut off the lights, leaving the room silently. He was troubled, even more so by her reaction. Something was off about the whole situation. And as he racked his brains for a reason, his eyes fell upon her diary that was open upon the table.
He knew what had happened the last time he read it, but he knew that he needed answers. Something had riled her up terribly and he wanted to know the cause of her pain and plight. Taking a deep breath, he sat upon the chair and read through the page she had just scribbled upon. By the time he reached the end, he felt his head grow hot with rage.
Damn it! The art of manipulation! That old beetle! How dare she?!
It took quite a strong amount of restraint for Ranveer to not shout at the top of his lungs or to storm and rage into Baa's room to shake her up and make her realize the horror of what she'd done. Turning back to look at Ishaani's sleeping form pensively, he noticed how pale and exhausted she looked. How could he have been so engrossed in his own troubles that he hadn't seen this coming?
This was Ishaani - ofcourse her doubts and apprehensions were correct! She wasn't adept to handling the real world, and especially the cruelty that it lashed upon oneself. How could he have been so naive and so obsessed in accomplishing his dreams that he'd temporarily let his desire take a backseat, even if for a moment? And in spite of himself, he couldn't help but ask himself the question of the hour.
Was it the right call to take up the scholarship?
Constructive criticism will be more than welcome and sorry for any typos. :D :D
Next chapter:
Epistle 75
Edited by LadyMeringue - 8 years ago
CID
Bade Achche Lagte Hain Naya Season
