Is love supposed to hurt this much?
Sanyukta's vision blurred as her core constricted in pain. She used to think that she'd put the past behind her, that she'd 'moved on'.
Then why do his cold eyes burn her insides?
Why does his smile make her crave it was directed at her, lighting up her dark, hollow soul?
She forced her legs to move faster, trying to get as far from his room as possible, as the scene she'd witnessed minutes ago, kept running in her head on an endless loop.
His arms around Sanaya, holding her like he used to hold her.
Even though the rational part of her reasoned that they were just friends, she couldn't ignore the tidal waves of emotions crashing in on her. Her depraved heart longed to be in his arms once more, her soul ached to be loved by him once more. Treasured memories from the past and cruel circumstances of her present blended together into a toxic mix, scalding her insides like raw acid.
Him kissing her tears away.
Him making her cry.
Him hugging her close.
Him shoving her away.
Each day she'd spent away from him, she'd been constructing a wall around her heart, brick by brick, to shield it from the pain that threatened to break it into pieces. All it took was one look at his face to wreck the allegorical wall into smithereens.
His face. The very face that haunted her dreams and waking moments alike.
The burning tears broke their way free, streaming down her cheeks, unrestrained as she took off sprinting into the night, not caring where she went.
He thought back to day he had ceased to live. The day he had walked away from her.
"Good luck with your life."
He shut his eyes to block the plethora of pain that erupted within him every time he recalled those moments. The moments that had him walking up in cold sweat, gasping for breath every morning. His foggy brain would try to chalk it all up to a nightmare that never happened. His desperate hands would reach beside him, hoping, praying to find her there only to have reality crashing in on him with the force of a gigantic wave as his hands grabbed nothing but thin air. Every single day for the past year had begun with the same harrowing routine, robbing him of his will to live, pushing him into a dark hole deeper and deeper yet.
He was faintly aware of Sanaya's chatter, jostling back to reality when he felt a tug at his arm.
"Shekhu, what's wrong?"
Everything. "Nothing.""
He turned to her, smiling, but it must have looked wrong since she pulled him into a hug. He flinched at the contact, his hands reflexively grabbing her arms to push her away but paused when he recalled the selfless support she'd given him. Even though, he wrapped his arms around her in a silent gratitude, he couldn't help wishing it was her in his arms instead.
It was then that he heard the receding footsteps. He didn't have to look to know whom they belonged to. They were etched onto his memory like every other aspect of her. Getting to his feet hastily, he rushed to the door only to find her retreating form being engulfed by the shadows. Before he knew it, he took off after her, following her out of the building into the grounds. He stopped a few feet away from her as she slowed down, finally coming to a stop.
He could see her shaking with the attempt to hold in her sobs before they raked their way out of her, as she slumped to the ground. His hand reached out for her inadvertently. Seeing her on the ground on all fours, crumbling to pieces right before his eyes was nothing short of crippling.
This is what he'd wanted right? To see her suffering every bit as him.
Then why couldn't he revel in its glory?
Why did he feel like pulling her close, snatching all her pain away?
He did not know when his feet had grown a mind of their own and had closed the distance between them till he stood right behind her. He felt so completely helpless, not realizing when he'd gone from wanting to hurt her to hurting for her. Unable to take it anymore, he gingerly touched her shoulder, afraid she'd shatter into pieces at his mere touch.
Her neck whipped back and her unfocussed gaze landed on him, her red-rimmed eyes widening slightly before she scrambled up. Her steps faltered, making her sway and his arms shot out to steady her. She steeled her eyes and stepped out of his reach.
"Don't look at me like that," she uttered, her voice barely above a whisper.
"Like what?" he asked, waiting on pins and needles.
"Like I f**king matter!" she spat, making him jerk back as if she'd physically hit him.
She watched him stagger back a step, his eyes burning with shock and something she couldn't place. Something that mirrored everything she was feeling inside. But she dared not think so as every time he showed even a minuscule of emotion that didn't border on hatred, she began to hope. Hopes that she knew he'd crush the very next instant.
She hated him. She HATED him. If she wished it hard enough, it would become true, right? But she already knew the answer. Maybe there was a part of her that did hate him but she loved him with everything that was left of her and it outweighed the hatred by leaps and bounds.
"Stop. Please stop..."" she begged, unsure of what she was even referring to anymore.
"I hate it, Sanyukta." He whispered, as if talking to himself. "I hate every second of watching you hurting." He ran his hands though his hair, fisting them, as he took another step back.
She watched with her breath caught in her lungs as his eyes glistened with unshed tears.
"And knowing it's me who's causing it?" A tear made its way down his cheek, his lips quivered as if it pained him to go on. "It f**king kills me." He finished, sounding just as broken as she felt.
His eyes. His eyes had always been her favorite thing about him. The eyes that always betrayed his cold, hostile words. The eyes that provided a window to the part of his soul that he kept masked from the world, the part that had loved her unconditionally. The eyes that were now swarming with hurt, regret, and the same boundless love.
In that moment, the man standing before her wasn't the man who'd hurt her time and again or the man whom she'd hurt equally. All she could see was a man who had loved her beyond all her flaws. Before she knew it, she was rushing to him, crashing into his chest, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt.
His heart swelling with everything he felt for her, he wound his arms around her, bringing her closer until nothing separated them, holding onto her like he was holding on for dear life. She was his destruction and his salvation.
"I love you," he heard her breathe against his chest. He buried his face in her neck, breathing those words right back to her.
And they stood there, sobbing, holding onto each other like two leaves in a storm. A storm of wounded pride and revenge, of misunderstandings and half-truths, of judgments and accusations. Their relationship had been a relentless, excruciating journey.
Of hurting and getting hurt.
Of mistakes and forgiveness.
Of getting lost and finding each other back again.
And they didn't have a clue if their journey ahead would get better or take a turn for the worse. But as they held each other, their frantic hearts beating in sync, there was one thing they knew for sure.
Whatever life threw at them, they'd always find their way back to each other.
Anupamaa
