Silent Whispers
-CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN-
Forgiveness
Khushi watched the cheering crowd in numbing silence, feeling the minutes slide past her without notice. Despite the young hour, the sangeet ceremony of her brother was quickly approaching its end, and Khushi, standing in a secluded corner, couldn't wait to get home and bury herself in the comfort of her bed.
So much had happened in so few short minutes.
You don't need time Khushi, you need an excuse... to defend your belief that you really are flawed and undeserving of a happy ending.
He had said it so confidently, without even the slight hesitance in his voice. Was she really so paranoid that she was becoming like her parents? Or was she simply dodging his proposal to avoid crushing her career even before it took off?
The answer easily came to her lips, but she didn't know what use it was. The damage was done, as Arnav said it himself:
I am just about done trying to pass your tests. Because up until now, I thought you just needed time and that if I was patient enough for both of us, you will be convinced one day or another that we are nothing like your parents. But I was wrong.
As his biting words relentlessly echoed through her mind, she couldn't help but recollect her conversation with Lavanya not too long ago.
How long are you going to make him wait until you find yourself good enough to get married? I know he is patient, but that doesn't mean you can be unfair with him.
It was strange that her best friend had seen this coming and even warned her about it. If only Khushi paid a bit more attention, if only she realized the gravity of Lavanya's words, if only she didn't blindly trust Arnav's patience and understanding.
Maybe she really did take him for granted.
"Ahem," whispered a familiar voice on her left.
Khushi turned to see a grinning Lavanya stand next to her. Talk about telepathy.
"So?" Lavanya asked. "Made up with Arnav? Is there going to be a steamy make-out session in the car tonight?"
"Even if we did make up, there wouldn't be anything steamy happening in the car - Arnav hates that whole concept."
"What's wrong with cars?! And more importantly, we didn't you make up?"
"Because," Khushi muttered, turning her eyes back to the stage where the host -the Raizadas' NRI cousin, Nand-Kishore- announced the last performance of the evening. "Arnav likes the fact that he can kiss me in public. And he does have a point - why use the car when we have the whole of Shantivaan at our disposal?"
Lavanya groaned in exasperation. "How about you answer the question I really want to know about?"
She tried to maintain an unfeeling face. "You know why... I didn't watch for the warning signs even after you told me to."
"Am I supposed to understand that?"
Khushi sighed. "He is angry because he thinks the reason I didn't accept this whole marriage thing gracefully is because I am looking for an excuse to break up with him; that I actually don't want to be with him."
Lavanya kept an even expression. "Okay... so why didn't you clear up the misunderstanding? You do want to get married to him right?"
"I tried to, but in the process I said so much crap that he couldn't even look at me anymore."
"So then apologize."
"I did. Over and over again. But I don't think he is ready to forgive me yet."
A stunned silence followed her confession. Slightly taken back, for Lavanya always had something to say, Khushi's eyes wavered to her best friend.
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
"I am trying to figure out what it is that you are not telling me."
A line appeared on Khushi's forehead. "Why would I hide anything from you?"
"You tell me... Because as far as I know, there will never be a day when Arnav isn't ready to forgive you."
Even though it was meant to be comforting, Khushi couldn't help but feel even more miserable after hearing it. Because Lavanya was right; Arnav always forgave her. The fact that he didn't right now meant there really was irreparable damage.
Could their fight get any more worse?
Lavanya's phone suddenly flashed with an incoming call. She silenced it absent-mindedly. "Why don't you go talk to him again?"
"Who is calling you? Aman?"
"Yes. Please don't change the topic."
"I am not. But since there isn't much you can advise me about literally in the middle of my brother's sangeet, let's talk about this later. Go see what Aman wants first."
Lavanya couldn't argue with that. Pressing her lips, she disappeared into the crowd. Khushi had just resumed watching the last performance, a romantic dance by the radiant bride and groom, when she felt a pair of soft hands tug on her blouse.
"Your hooks are undone," came Arnav's voice in her ear, while he gently pulled the blouse close. "Have you been walking around the entire evening like this?"
Khushi gasped, his warm presence catching her unaware. She waited quietly until he was done -her stomach in knots- before saying:
"Is that concern or possessiveness?"
"I don't see how the two are any different," he responded, stepping forward to stand beside her, his shoulder slightly grazing hers.
Khushi bit her lip. "I suppose in your case they would be the same thing."
"They aren't in yours?"
"It's more complicated than a yes or no answer."
"Isn't it always?"
"Are you answering my questions with questions to make a point or to avoid having a real conversation?"
Arnav paused, no doubt biting back a snarky response.
"So I guess it's the latter," she muttered, crossing her arms.
"I am just trying to rephrase my thoughts, in case you accuse me of posing another question."
She rolled her eyes. "Fine I won't accuse you, as long as you tell me where this conversation makes us stand."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean we screamed our lungs out at each other less than three hours ago, and it wasn't in the cute bickering-like-an-old-couple way."
He kept his eyes on the stage.
She pushed on. "And now, like very mature adults, we are giving each other a cold shoulder... so basically, I want to know how long it will be before things go back to the way they were and I am once again the clueless and utterly stupid girlfriend?"
"When did I say you stopped being one?"
"Stopped being what? Clueless and utterly stupid? Or your-"
"I never said a word about breaking up Khushi."
Her retort instantly fell away.
As always he was absolutely correct. While she was quick to jump on the break-up bandwagon, he, not even in his murderous rage, said anything about leaving her. He had taken the high road once again, leaving her to deal with her mistakes all by herself.
"In that case," she said, clearing her throat. "We should add recklessness to my list of stellar qualities."
He finally caught her eye, wordlessly urging her to explain.
"I shouldn't have talked about breaking up... it was both hasty and immature. And I know you won't believe me, but I want to say it anyway - I am sorry. It was selfish of me to talk the way I did, and I wish I can take back every word of it."
He was as still as the air around them.
"But that is the only thing I am going to apologize for," she continued boldly. "I learned the hard way that honesty is the only thing that will keep two people together. And up until today, I could always tell you the truth, even if it wasn't pretty, because I knew you would understand, even if you didn't agree with it.
So I am not going to change that now and lie to you by saying that I realize my mistake. Instead I am going to tell you that I don't see why me needing more time is equivalent to me not wanting this marriage. Because it's not.
Yes, my definition of trust, hope and almost everything other thing on this planet, is not the same as yours. And they probably will not be until another million years. I am not denying it and neither am I using it as an excuse. All I am saying is give me time; time to understand your definitions. That's it. I don't see the point of rushing through a marriage, just so that we can feel confident that we really do love each other. You told me yourself that marriage or not, our feelings will be the same. So why are we doubting ourselves now?"
Arnav gazed at her, his mouth sealed in silence.
"I don't expect you to agree with all this, but I think I can expect you to at least understand it."
He blinked.
"So do you? Understand it?"
At first, there was nothing. Arnav stood as motionless as ever, his eyes on her, but not really seeing her. And then ever so slowly, he curtly nodded in agreement.
Khushi let out a sigh of relief. It wasn't the answer she hoped for, but she knew as clear as day that it was the best she was going to get. So, she gratefully turned her attention back to the performance. Within no time, Shyam and Anjali gracefully culminated their dance and Nand-Kishore wrapped up the event with his repertoire of unfunny jokes.
Khushi spoke first, breaking the static silence in between them. "So I was thinking... It's kind of a norm for the groom to have a bachelor's party."
He listened quietly.
"And it's usually thrown by the best friend or best man. In both cases, that's me. But given my gender, I don't think it's a good idea if I planned this party."
Arnav turned to face her. Though his expression betrayed no emotions, an amused glint was slowly overtaking his eyes.
"Since my brother treats Akash as another version of me," Khushi continued, glad to have his attention. "Maybe you should throw him one?"
He cleared his throat. "And what makes you think I haven't thought of all of this before?"
She stared blankly. "You already planned a bachelor's party?"
To her great surprise, Arnav cautiously looked around before saying in a much lower voice, "This better not reach Anju's ears. Yes, we did plan a bachelor's party. In fact, it's happening tomorrow night. Akash and I, along with a few other friends are taking Shyam out of the city to my farmhouse in Agra. Aman is coming too."
Khushi's eyes widened, her face cracking into a smile. There was no denying it - she was impressed.
Arnav tilted his head, her expression seemingly throwing him off. "Aren't you even a little worried?"
She snorted. "Of course not! I know my brother. He is too good to do anything stupid. And even if he has a momentary lapse in judgment, you will obviously pitch in your voice of reason. It is the matter of Anjali after all."
Her explanation didn't sit well with him. "Let me rephrase - aren't you worried about what I might do?"
Khushi laughed unabashed. "If my brother is too good to do anything stupid, then you are practically a saint."
Arnav's lips pursed as he muttered: "Maybe I should take Aman's advice and make this a two night event."
That wiped the smile clean off her face. "I just told you that I can't even think about you being unfaithful to me and you are telling me you want to be with a stripper?!"
He smirked. "Where is the confidence now?"
She gritted her teeth, unable to find a fitting retort.
Arnav's smirk widened victoriously in response, leaving her no choice but to beckon a nearby waiter, hoping to drown her embarrassment with a glass of champagne. Khushi had just picked up the goblet, when she felt his fingers suddenly close around her free wrist.
"What?" she asked, confused.
He flipped her palm up, his gaze frozen on her mehendi, in the middle of which lay an unmistakable "A". Khushi felt her nerves stiffen, suddenly doubting if her attempt to appease him actually made him happy.
After what felt like an eternity, Arnav finally looked away and asked almost inaudibly, "Why?"
"Because I wanted you to start talking to me again," she replied looking down at the floor. "
"Why?"
"Because it bothers me... I don't like it when you are angry, or worse, hurt because of what I said or did."
He stared at her, as if looking through a murky wall. "But why? Why does my forgiveness matter so much to you?"
It was such an earnest question that she had no choice but to give him the most honest answer she could:
"Because if you don't forgive me, I won't be able to forgive myself. And if I don't forgive myself... then I really will start seeing myself as the living print of my mother."
She gave him a meaningful look, echoing what he told her a few hours ago with the hope that he understood what she meant: She wasn't crippled with paranoia because of her parents' dysfunctional relationship. And she would never be as long as he was with her.
It felt like an eternity before either of them spoke. But Khushi didn't dare to tear her eyes away from him. She knew he expected her too, for she was always the one to take a step back. But today it was different.
Today, she wanted him to know she wasn't planning to go anywhere. Not without him.
It was Arnav, who finally looked away with a shrug.
Quite unsettled with his troubled eyes, Khushi subtly changed the topic. "So do you like it?"
"Like what?"
"My mehendi! It took the girl almost two hours to do it."
His face suddenly lightened up in some unknown realization.
"What?" she asked, when he simply gazed at her in epiphany.
He jerked his head in direction of the pool they fought beside. "Is that what you were trying to do back there? Get my approval of your mehendi with the innocent "how do I look" question?"
Khushi grinned sheepishly.
"Very subtle birthday girl."
She frowned. "What happened to baby?"
"Excuse me?"
"You started calling me baby, remember?"
He stared at her, failing to understand what she meant. It was only a few times he had addressed her as "baby", but it was clear that every time he did, he hadn't noticed how much she enjoyed it.
"Birthday girl sounds too formal now," she explained with a childish grimace. "Baby sounds so much better."
Arnav crossed his arms. "For someone who won't even let me put a ring on her, you are way too demanding, no?"
She resisted the urge to stick out her tongue. "Demanding my foot! You just want to rub it in my face that I actually like it when you say lovey dovey things to me."
He didn't object.
"But for your kind information," she answered, stepping closer to him. "I like everything about you, not just the nice things you say to me."
His eyebrows shot up in response: he did not believe her in the slightest.
Feeling insulted at his lack of confidence, Khushi gently stretched out her hand and reached for the small spot behind his ear, where a faded line was hidden.
"You were trying to climb a tree when you got this scar... Anjali wanted a flower, but the branches weren't strong enough. You even got stitches for it."
He was bewildered. "How-"
"Not how, but why," she interrupted. "And it's because everything about you is important to me, even-"
Her hand slid to his clean-shaven jaw, stopping just where it curved. "-This spot you almost always miss while shaving. No matter how insignificant, I know every small detail about you."
She caressed his cheek. "This tiny dimple that you think people don't notice when you laugh too hard," -she softly pinched his nose- "this nose that flares in the most unflattering way when you are screaming your head off," -her fingers rested at the sides of his temple- "this vein that is always on the verge of bursting whenever you are angry. I notice everything."
Arnav stood frozen, soaking up her every word with undue attention.
"But do you know what I like the most?"
He patiently waited for her to answer.
With a shy grin, she touched his lips. "They make the most perfect crooked smile I have ever seen," she murmured, stepping even closer to him. "Of everything about you, this is my favorite."
It was as if the clock stopped ticking, as if the people around them stopped moving. It felt like the entire world came to a standstill as it often did when she looked into his muddy brown eyes.
But the moment ended as quickly as it came. Arnav took a step back, tearing his eyes away from her. "Your brother is waiting for you."
Khushi unwillingly let her hand drop, the feel of his soft lips still lingering on her fingertips. Trying not to let the space in between them mean much more than it was, she looked over her shoulder to see her brother and grandfather beckoning her to come; they were ready to call it a night.
She bit her lip, not knowing what to do.
"Go," Arnav said, as usual understanding her predicament. "I am sure your grandfather is itching to tell you all the faults he found with this hotel."
She sighed. "Maybe... but I know for sure he hasn't found any faults with the host."
"Really?"
"Really... Nanaji absolutely adores you."
"Define absolute adoration."
Khushi frowned. "Don't be too hard on him. He literally saw his daughter's life fall apart in front of him and couldn't do anything to stop it... I think we can forgive him for being a little skeptical about people."
"Oh I would be worried if he wasn't skeptical. I was merely asking if you made a mistake and said "adore" instead of "hate"."
"Seriously? When have you ever failed to impress someone? Whether it's my best friend or my brother, you charm your way to everyone's heart. And Nanaji is no different."
Arnav snorted. "Well that must have been another big disappointment for you."
A line appeared on her forehead. "Why would I be disappointed?"
"Because even the closest patriarchal figure after your brother couldn't find a fault with our relationship."
It was a jibe that shouldn't have hurt, but it did. A lot.
"That's harsh," she mumbled. "And below the belt."
"More so than-"
"Don't," she interrupted, knowing what he was going to say, but not wanting to hear it.
He didn't argue. "Okay." Then looking past her shoulder, he added, "You shouldn't keep them waiting. It's late."
It was a dismissal. And she had no choice but to accept it. Bidding him goodnight, Khushi was about to leave, when she remembered-
"By the way, the bachelor party is for Bhaiyya. If Akash tells me about even one stripper within a meter of you, then I swear-"
Arnav defiantly crossed his arms. "Go on, finish the warning. I am curious to know what you think will be the worst punishment for me."
She narrowed her eyes. "You know what, I will leave it up to your wild imagination. But just remember that whatever you think of will not even come close to what I will actually do if you come home after a one night stand."
To her utter surprise, Arnav smirked and took the glass of champagne she forgot she was even holding.
"Cheers to that," he muttered, taking a sip.
Shaking her head, she walked away to her awaiting family, for the first time feeling incomplete despite his unwavering presence.
Anupamaa
Udne Ki Aasha
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
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