FF: Shades Of Love last part pg 91 dt 28.12.15 - Page 67

Shade 33

I gently ran my fingers over the sari. It was my wedding sari.

Yes I was getting married. My lips stretched in a smile. It was hard to believe, the fact had still not sunk in.
I would remarry one day, the thought had never crossed my mind. Alright I would be lying if I thought so, it did but that was years ago. The desire to get out of this trapped and suffocating world did arise in my heart. A hope that life could be better if I would no longer be a widow did make a place in my heart.
But that desire and hope died as the years went by. Slowly and forcefully I accepted the bitter truth that I was cursed and destined to lead a wretched life.
So I stopped dreaming, stopped hoping and stopped desiring. It hurt immensely to see your dreams, hopes and desires crushing helplessly before your eyes. The disappointment and the loneliness killed me from within.
Thus to protect myself from dying further I once and for all killed my wish to lead a normal and happy life.
And I was doing well till one day Sahab came into my world.
And then nothing remained the same for me. His care, his thoughtfulness and his love changed my world.
The fact that he loved me and even I could dare to love him back was nothing less than a beautiful dream for me.

And once again I was scared. What if like my all other dreams this one too remained unfulfilled? What if it broke? Definitely the dream wouldn't break alone, I would too break along with it...completely!
And the chances of happening that were extremely high. The class difference, the age difference and to make it even more difficult the fact that I was a widow were enough reasons for AS to be against this alliance and she was. She was dead against this marriage.
I could still remember the day when Sahab was sitting outside AS's room in the hospital, he was so worried and blamed himself for AS's heart attack. The tears in his eyes and the pain on his face made my heart wrench. He was paying such a heavy price for loving me. Once again I couldn't stop myself from thinking how unfortunate I was not just for myself but more for the people around me.
In that moment I regretted Sahab falling for me. I regretted myself falling for him.
Love usually gave life a new meaning but our love was taking someone's life. It was horrifying.
In all earnestness I only hoped that AS would be fine. I could somehow manage to live without Sahab but to know that something happened to his mother because of me was unbearable. It was unbearable to see Sahab going weak. Like any child he too loved his mother. They had their issues but in such a situation those issues lost their relevance.
Thankfully AS was fine. There was nothing to worry. At that point of time I couldn't have asked for more. And for the first time without asking I got everything.
AS gave her consent, not reluctantly but happily. It was hard to believe but it was true.

After tucking in the pleats of the sari I adjusted it and slowly lifted my eyes to look at myself in the mirror. It was a beautiful red sari with golden embroidery. I failed to recall when was the last time I had worn this lovely color. Sahab had chosen this sari for me. He had insisted that I wore this color on our wedding. For years my world was painted in dull and plain colors. However now Sahab had added color to my life.

Picking up the green glass bangles I carefully pushed them in my hands. Again a gift from him. He remembered that these were the same bangles I had liked when we had gone for that baisakhi mela. My smallest of things meant so much to him. Tears filled my eyes as I fingered those bangles. They were delicate and clicked sweetly. My heart was also fragile like them and heartbeats were matching to the sound of these bangles.
Opening my hair I lifted my hand holding the comb to brush when I felt a hand on my shoulder. Peering up in the mirror I saw aayi standing behind me.
She gave out a weak smile. " today let me comb your hair." Wordlessly I left the comb and dropped my gaze. She gently brushed my hair.
" today you're looking very pretty. Like a princess." I blankly stared at the floor.
" I had never thought I would see you like this again."
Lifting my gaze I glanced at her reflection. " aayi, the sad truth is that you never thought of me." Her hand stilled for a moment before she nodded her head.
" you are right I never thought about you. When you were born your father hated the sight of me, he wanted a boy. I didn't know how I would raise you on my own. As you grew up the responsibility of running the house fell on my shoulders. Marrying you off at a young age was the best option I could think of. But then you lost your husband and your in laws threw you out. The society condemned you and so did I. Your turning a widow was an embarrassment for me. People taunted you and I didn't stop them. I lacked the courage to answer them back. It's true I always thought of you as a burden and when girish's proposal came I readily agreed. I thought now I could get rid off you."

Her harsh words stabbed my heart. What aayi had just said wasn't a revelation for me. I knew what she thought of me because all these years her behaviour made me feel unwanted. So I wasn't angry with her. There was a time when my blood used to boil seeing my mother being so heartless but then like any other emotion this one too died within me. I stopped expecting her to be by my side. I just stopped looking at her for support for love for care. And it somewhere helped if not healed me because her indifferent behaviour ceased to disappoint me.
" nakku I admit I have been an ignorant mother who turned a blind eye to her daughter's falling tears and a deaf ear to her cries." I furrowed my brows and wondered why was she saying all this? I wasn't expecting her to talk about our bitter relationship. It had died long ago then today why was she getting so emotional.
" aayi there's no need for all this." She shook her head and continued to make my hair. Now tying it in a bun she picked up jasmine garland to fix it in my hair.
" today don't stop me. Let me admit the mistakes, no they aren't mistakes they are sins that I have committed. I worried what the society would say but didn't care to hear what my daughter wished to say. My husband who is and was worthless wasn't a burden for me but my innocent daughter, my own flesh and blood was a burden for me." I thought that her words no longer affected me, of course her taunts her bitterness didn't but today witnessing her soft side was stirring something within me. And I wasn't liking it. I didn't wish to go weak but these damn tears were pricking the corners of my eyes.
" nakku you have no idea how ashamed I am of myself. The other day Bhau showed me the mirror and it was ugly. It was awful. When Girish molested you I should have broken his bones, should have trusted you but I didn't. I failed as a mother. I failed as a woman." I couldn't take anymore. Tears that I was curbing now freely fell down. Raising my head I peered at her reflection.
For the first time I saw her guilty and remorseful. It wasn't a pleasant sight. It didn't give me satisfaction. It pained all the more.
" aayi please stop it."
She came before me and cupped my face. " nakku today is the most beautiful day of your life and I don't wish to ruin it. Also I'm not saying all this to seek your forgiveness because I don't deserve it. My tears my guilt can not undo the past..."
She wanted to say more but couldn't and burst into tears. I swallowed the painful lump that was formed inside my throat before holding her shoulders.
" aayi I can't say that it's alright, let's put this all behind and move ahead..but just leave it on time...time is the biggest healer. We can only hope for the wounds to heal with time."

" nakuuu."

The door barged open and Supriya Tayi came in. And the next moment she was hugging me. I was so glad to see her. Sahab had promised me something special on our wedding day. I had no idea that tayi would be that special gift. I hugged her back. After tayi's marriage relations between her and AS had soured. Seeing her in this house again was a remote possibility. But like always Sahab made the impossible possible for me.
Tayi broke the hug and took a step back to look at me.
" I swear nakku you are looking gorgeous. Dutta Ji is very lucky to have such a beautiful wife." Wife, the word made me blush.

************************************************

The temple was beautifully decorated with marigolds and lights. I still felt jittery as I stood before the idols of Lord shiva and goddess Parvati.
It was sahabs idea that instead of PN we exchanged our marital vows in a temple.
Old bitter memories of humiliation came rushing back. For years I wasn't allowed to step into a temple because I was inauspicious...I was a widow. However today decked up as a bride I was standing here. My nervous gaze wandered around the place to see the people who had gathered. Did they still loathe me? Did they still look down on me? Maybe yes.
It made me weak and forced me to lower my head.
And then someone nudged me. I looked up. It was Sahab, flashing his dazzling smile. His smile was infectious and I had to smile back.
I wasn't alone. He was here with me.
Oh god Sahab was looking stunning today, though he always did but he appeared more handsome today . The cream sherwani and red turban looked amazing on him.
" like what you see?" He winked and I had to avert my gaze. Stepping forward he offered me his arm.
" shall we?" Now this was too much, he was openly flirting with me.
Thankfully baaji and Supriya tayi came to my rescues. They both escorted us to the mandap.
We both folded hands as Purohit Ji chanted the mantras. I blinked my eyes several times to reassure myself that this was real. It wasn't a dream. But it looked like a beautiful dream.
My eyes welled up when Sahab filled my parting with vermillion. At last I was coloured. Coloured in his love.
And when he leaned forward to tie the Mangal sutra around my neck his face grew worried seeing a tear roll down my eye.
I shook my head and tried to smile. I wasn't upset. All this was just too overwhelming for me.
And then Purohit Ji asked us to take pheras.
Sahab stood up and extended his hand. The same hand that was offered me several times. The same hand that I was reluctant, no, scared to hold.
But today I was neither reluctant nor scared. I trusted this hand and with all my heart I desired to hold it.
Hand in hand I walked behind Sahab as we circled the holy fire. With every step I was leaving my past behind and moving into a new world. His world. A world that he promised to beautify with love.
We were declared husband and wife. It was a very unique and a special feeling. Till yesterday all this seemed so difficult but not anymore.
Purohit Ji asked us to take the blessings of our elders. I slowly lifted my gaze to peer at bade Sahab and AS. Supriya tayi was standing close to AS and it felt really good to see that she was part of the family again. Bade Sahab had always been nice and supportive toward me. However AS she still intimidated me. Though she had accepted mine and sahabs relationship but still I felt small in her eyes.
I looked at AS and Sahab. They didn't share a normal mother and son relation. Just like I didn't have an ideal one with my parents especially my mother. We both had a disturbing childhood. Still I felt our situations were different. Sahab had issues with AS. However staying away in a hostel somewhere worked well for Sahab. Unlike me he didn't have to deal with his mother on a daily basis.
Her insensitivity her aloofness didn't scrape his heart. for years problems between Sahab and AS remained unsolved and slowly those problems took a backseat in sahab's life and he moved forward. I didn't know whether he still held any grudge against his mother but surely giving her and their relationship a second chance was easier for him.
Unwillingly my eyes moved in the direction of my parents. Baba what could I say about him, he was happy for me but I had stopped feeling anything for him. Aayi had tears in her eyes. Hopefully tears of happiness...happiness for me!

I pressed my lips. I didn't know whether I had the heart to forgive and forget everything. Forgetting thirty bitter years of ones life in one day wasn't easy. Not that I didn't want to but sadly I couldn't. Aayi was regretful she was sorry I could see that but even I needed some time to put everything behind.
Sahab pressed my hand and gestured to move toward my aayi and baba. As we bent down to take their blessings aayi hugged me. And I was stunned. After years I felt the love and warmth of a mother. Slowly my arms came around and I hugged her, secretly wishing one day to return this love and warmth back.
***************************************

Leaning against the open window I fidgeted with the end of my sari. The room that I mopped and cleaned was now mine. Leaving that servants quarter behind.

The distance between these two places could be eliminated I had not thought. Till yesterday our worlds were different and distant but today they were one. I swallowed hard. All this was a fairy tale. Cinderella types! I had read fairy tales but never believed that they could come true.
Standing in this room it felt odd. Being the daughter in law of this house felt odd. Being his wife felt odd. Were all these odds against me? My insecurities my fears began to crawl in. And just then I felt a hand covering my eyes.
I exhaled deeply. It was him.
" Sahab."
He moved his hand and I turned to peer up at him. How could anything or anybody be against me when he was behind me. I smiled. He was my wall my only support system.
" nakku close your eyes."
" but why?"
" remember I promised you a surprise on our wedding day."
I nodded my head. " yeah I remember but inviting Supriya tayi wasn't that a surprise for me ?"
" oh ho that surprise was not just for you but AS also. However this particular surprise is exclusively for my dear wife." Biting my lower lip I averted my gaze. ' my dear wife.' I liked the sound of it.
" now if your done with your blushing then can you please shut your eyes? Though I must say when you go all shy you look even more pretty and today my god you are just.."
" Sahab I have closed my eyes."
I heard him stepping away, opening the cupboard and then shutting it. He lifted my hand and put something light on my palm.
" you can see now."
Some papers? " what's this?" He playfully wriggled his brows. " read to know,"
Some land papers were in my name.
" Sahab I am really not understanding, what's going on?"
He smiled and crossed his arms before his chest.
" you once said that you wanted to teach. You wanted to share your knowledge with other women who didn't get an opportunity to light their lives with education. So I have bought you a small floor where you can teach and pursue your dream."
This man amazed me at every step. He was caring, loving and extremely understanding. He wiped my tears, brought smile on my face. He was like a blessing a beautiful blessing. And this blessing was mine, not just for today but forever.
His different shades of love had coloured my life.
" you know Sahab, you're the best thing that has ever happened to me."
The next moment he pulled me into his arms. I felt so safe loved and fortunate.
" I love you, nakku."
" I love you too."

As the year comes to an end so does this story. Thanks for your love and support.

Wish you all a very happy and healthy new year.

Rose