Cks by Jasunap

hey ho... here is a request....

"Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
Make me a match,
Find me a find,
catch me a catch
Matchmaker, Matchmaker
Look through your book,
And make me a perfect match

I'll bring the veil,
You bring the groom,
Slender and pale.
Bring me a ring for I'm longing to be,
The envy of all I see.😆😆😉

CAST OF CHARACTERS

VANI : RANI ROOPMATI the Sultana of Sultanpur
MELI : major-domo to the queen
SUE : attendant to the queen
ROJA : WAASI the wassier
GIRI : IYAM the jailer
POKKIRI : MAUSIPI the lost prince

The setting is in the eastern part of the world a settee with lots of cushions. Here the RANI ROOPMATI (VANI) reclines eating a bunch of grapes. MELI who waves a large fan with one hand attends her and with the other sounds a gong. Each time the gong is struck everyone on stage vibrates.

The gong sounds. The curtain opens.

MELI: hello, what a job this is. Standing here all day waving this fan. You see I am the chief wave slave. Every waft causes a draught so that makes me the chief draught wafter. I have to bong the gong too so I am the chief gong bonger too.

VANI: oh where is my long lost son prince Musspi (POKKIRI)? He left the palace 20 years ago on his bike to get some bananas and never returned. And me, I have been waiting here for twenty bananaless years.

MELI: but I bring you grapes every day.

VANI: For that I am eternally grapeful. Oh my son Musspi, where is he?

MELI sounds the gong. Everyone on stage trembles. SUE enters.

SUE: Your highness, Wassi the wassier (ROJA) is 'ere

VANI: is he?

SUE: no Wassi. Wassi Waroo, the wassier, is 'ere

VANI: Yes, Wassi. Is he? I mean is Wassi 'ere? The wassier is 'ere?

The gong sounds. The wassier (ROJA) enters

MELI: Your highness, this 'ere is the wassier

VANI: is he?

ROJA: no Wassi. I am Wassi waroo

VANI: are you?

ROJA: no Waroo. Wassi Waroo, the wassier… I am here. The famous wassier, Wassi waroo, how do you do?

VANI: Tell me wassier; have you any news of my son who left here twenty years ago on his bike?

ROJA: Your highest highness. I have consulted the sands of the desert in which all knowledge is writ…

VANI: what rot!

ROJA: rot? 'Tis not rot. 'Tis right

VANI: 'tis right? That in the sands all knowledge is writ?

ROJA: right

VANI: well then, who wrote what is writ?

ROJA: the spirits writ it

SUE: 'tis not writ…'tis wrote

ROJA: the spirits wrote it

VANI: wrote what?

ROJA: wrote what is writ.

VANI: what right load of rot.

ROJA: you cannot say what is writ is rot.

SUE: You should say what is written is rotten.

VANI: don't talk wet. I can say what is writ is rot, or what is written is rotten, or even 'tis a right load of rot what is wrote.

SUE: wrote?

ROJA: wrote?

VANI: right. Wrote.

ROJA: what rot. What is written could be written as well as writ but never wrote.

SUE: right. You could have what it written writ rotten…

ROJA: or wrote rotten writ

SUE: or writing wrote rotten

VANI: how dare you question whether I, the sultana should say writ, rot, write, written rotten or wrote? What ever I say is right, whether it be wrongly wrote or truly writ you half-wits. Rote? I mean right?

They bow. The gong sounds.

VANI: what I want to know is what you know about my son, who left this palace twenty years ago on his bike?

ROJ: your highness, in the sands I am sure I have seen certain signs that your son will be seen soon.

VANI: can you be sure that these certain signs of my son that you have seen are certain? What do the signs say?

ROJA: 'tis mysterious, but the signs in the sand seem to signify that your absent son will be seen to have survived by (pause)… the partial eclipse of the moon.

VANI: an eclipse of the moon. When is the next eclipse?

ROJA: (dejectedly) in about sixty year's time

VANI: then you have failed to find my son

ROJ: but I have tried. I even disguised myself as a businessman and went to England to look for your son.

VANI: well what happened there?

The setting is a railway station platform in England. We can see a news stand stand-cum buffet, station nameplates and a tannoy speaker

The curtain opens. An off stage voice (CARYN) speaks for the tannoy. The destinations are incredibly garbled while all the other words are quite clear.

CARYN: the train now standing at platform four is for farnsbarns, norswold calling at Shropshire plingkington and all stations to smuckt.

Enter ROJ (as a businessman). He crosses over to the porter who is half lolling on a bench.

ROJ: I say porter (USHA), have you seen your level crossing? One gate is half-open and the other is half closed.

USHA: yes sir. We are half expecting a train. Tickets please.

ROJ: (handing over the ticket) punch it please, I must get a newspaper.

USHA takes the ticket in the palm of her hand and punches it with the other hand and then hands it over to Roj.
ROJ: thank you.
(Moves to the news stand and says sharply) Mirror please.

The saleslady (UMA) gives her a hand mirror. She takes it and realises what it is.

ROJ: is this the only mirror you have?

UMA: yus.

ROJ hands back the mirror

ROJ: do you have a sun?

UMA: he's at school

ROJ: mail?

UMA: 'course he is.

ROJ: no…. Do you have a mail?

UMA: well, there is me husband

ROJ: ok. Telegraph please

UMA: The post office is just up the road

ROJ: Express?

UMA: be along in a minute.

ROJ (distinctly annoyed): Guardian?

UMA: well, I dunno the guard's name.

ROJ (angrily): do you have the times?

UMA: the times are on the board. But you cannot rely on them for trains. Why don't you read a paper while you're waiting?

ROJ (sarcastically): I'd love to. What paper do you have?

UMA: oh we have the mirror, sun, mail, telegraph, express, guardian, times…

ROJ (Hysterically): well any one you like

UMA: Oh, I don't like any of 'em. Which one do you like?

ROJ (guessing): express?

UMA: we're waiting for it.

ROJ: well, can I have any paper you've got?

UMA: we haven't got any papers. They are coming on the express.

ROJ breaks down and sobs.

UMA: oh hang on… we have got the late extra.

ROJ: I'll have that.

(She hands it to her. While fishing for money she notices the date.)

ROJ: this is four days old.

UMA: I told you it was late. That is 50p

ROJ: it says here 23p

UMA: I told you it was extra!

ROJ: bah! (Exit Wassi)


Back at VANI'S palace.

ROJ: (shuddering at the recollection) your highness, I tried.

VANI: the only thing you have tried is my patience. Until my son is found you shall be dung into a flungeon. I mean flung into a dungeon. Call my jailer. Have I got one?

MELI: yes your highness

VANI: then call him.
(Exit MELI)

SUE: (to the audience) this should be fun. The jailer's name is Iyam.
The gong sounds. Enter MELI.

MELI (announcing): Iyam, the jailer.

VANI: well, where are your keys?

MELI: no, She is outside

VANI: who is?

MELI: Iyam

VANI: how can you be outside when you are in here?

MELI: I'm not outside. She is.

VANI: who is?

ROJ: Iyam

VANI: but you are here

ROJ: the jailer is outside

VANI: is she?

ROJ & MELI together: no, Iyam

The gong sounds. Enter the jailer (GIRI) Iyam with a slave. She has a large bunch of keys.

VANI: who are you?

GIRI (slowly): Iyam

VANI: go on

ROJ: Iyam the jailer

VANI: you are the prisoner.

GIRI: is she?

VANI: no Wassi. Who are you?

GIRI: Iyam the jailer.

VANI: well, where have you been?

MELI: She was outside

VANI: was She?

MELI: no, Iyam

VANI: is She the jailer?

ROJ: yes, Iyam

VANI: you are Wassi

GIRI: is She?

VANI: no Wassi. Who are you?

GIRI: Iyam, the jailer

VANI: is she?

MELI & ROJ: No, Iyam

VANI: oh I feel dizzy. Right, you lock her up and don't let her out till the partial eclipse of the moon.

ROJ: (drops down on her knees grovelling) oh no don't lock me up. Please

VANI: take her away

ROJ: wait

GIRI: 89 kilos

ROJ: no. Not weight, wait. What are these (pointing to the Giri's ankles)

GIRI: these are my bicycle clips given to me by a lad who is your slave.

ROJ: (rising to her feet) then what is writ is not total rot, just wrongly writ.

VANI: don't start those again.

ROJ: but your highness, don't you see. 'Tis the sign 'tis the sign

VANI: what? The partial eclipse of the moon?

ROJ: no. The bicycle clips of your son.

VANI: then the slave must be…

ROJ: Musspi, your son.

The gong sounds

MELI: Iyam?

ROJ: No Iyam

GIRI: I am Iyam

MELI & ROJ: no Iyam

GIRI: Iyam

VANI: No you were Iyam and the slave is now Prince Musspi, the inheritor of the riches in this kingdom.

POKKIRI: I am? Then I must be Musspi

VANI: but how did my son become a prisoner/slave???

GIRI: He stole some bananas 20 yrs back your highness!!!

VANI faints - so my son was here all the while?????