Author's Note: Whew! So done with this chapter too. Quite tricksy as it's hard often to play with the feelings which are...well, complex. That's something that troubled me over here and hoping it was not a mess.
Chapter 32
"Well?" Ranveer's thoughts were interrupted by jolly voice of Shreya's the second time, first time him ignoring her.
Ranveer looked at her but did not say anything when she spoke again.
"C'mon, RV. Tell me the reason."
"How did you know?" he asked at last, as nothing else came to his mind.
Shreya smiled as if she knew something he didn't, and shrugged her shoulders.
"But please don't say, I have seen this in your eyes;' I've heard that before too," Ranveer said.
"So I was right," Shreya squeaked. "You are in love! Why did you come to see me, then?"
"I had no other choice," Ranveer said. "And glad to know you guessed this well. I was having hard time in letting you know...lest you would feel bad."
"Feel bad for what? But if you don't mind, might I ask who this lucky girl is? Obviously I wouldn't know her but I'm curious, you know. Why are you not marrying her?"
Ranveer drew a deep sigh and looked at Shreya.
"Sometimes life does not plan for you what it makes you desire deeply. And this is how I can summarize my own story without making it look complicated or boring," he said.
"I'm sure it's not boring," Shreya said. "I can't believe she does not love someone like you...you're just perfect...rich and anything a girl would want in her life. I'm already smitten."
"She's not someone who'd love someone just because he's rich, or perfect in the world's eyes," Ranveer said, smiling.
"And?"
"She loves someone, but for his qualities, goodness, and ability to love..." Ranveer said, more to himself than her, in a voice of envy and longing.
"I'm surprised that's not you. If I were her I'd never let you go," Shreya said.
"You cannot make someone fall in love with you when they are not into you. And that is what I'm trying to say. We can't marry. You and I. I'll never be yours...I can't be yours. My life and love has belonged to one person only, and that's her, whether we be together or not," Ranveer said, shaking his head.
"I understand, and don't worry. I'll tell my dad we can't marry."
"And what reasons are you going to give?" Ranveer said, surprised that Shreya understood the matter without any trouble.
"I'll think them out very soon, and they'll be convincing. Trust me."
"I hope so."
Ranveer stood up to leave, so did Shreya.
"It's been amazing to talk to you, RV," she said.
"Thank you."
"Well, you don't look like someone who talks too much, I'd shut myself up. Don't want a bad impression on someone I was supposed to marry." She winked.
Ranveer smiled slightly but did not say anything as they came out of the restaurant.
"So, nice meeting you, Mr. RV," Shreya said, turning towards Ranveer. "All the best for your girl. And trust me, life is crazy. It gives everything you want but at the most unexpected moment."
"That is right. And you trust me as well that you are going to have the best man for you," Ranveer said.
"Ah, I don't think so. I just lost him few moments ago," Shreya chuckled. "Anyway, see you soon."
Ranveer came forward, towards his car where Rishi waited for him outside.
"I'll drive home myself," Ranveer said as Rishi went ahead to open the door for him.
"Sir..."
"If I say I will, I will," Ranveer returned sternly but not unkindly, while Rishi gave up and saw Ranveer settle himself on the driver's seat.
Ranveer felt a heavy burden leave his heart and torturous thoughts leave his mind, as he drove away. How strange this was: never desire to move on from a life full of misery and live with a constant reminder of your worthlessness and loneliness and yet wanting to stay at the same place, same moment however dark that seemed. He never said this to anyone for even his parents could not understand what he truly felt; or what he truly wanted. Ishani was his life and leaving her meant leaving his life behind. How could one live without one's life? How could one exist without one's soul? That was Ishani to him: life and an inseparable part of his soul. But only if she knew this.
Ishani didn't know this and she never could, Ranveer thought, but not even this gave him any courage to let her go.
*
Ishani returned to her house later than usual. The caf was closed, for only the bulb of the front door was left alighted and the hustle of the place had died down. The night was enveloped in the darkness giving few stars an opportunity to sneak out of the black sky. She parked her car carefully in the garage and headed towards her house. A dismal air seemed to have occupied the surroundings making her heart sink deeper. The entire place felt darker than usual as she switched on the lights of her house, inside, and went upto her own room and threw herself on the bed.
She did not feel like preparing any dinner and nor did she feel hungry. Her mind still wandered in the thoughts of Ranveer and the question why he affected her so much...in a way he never had done before. They were business partners, and now she could say...childhood friends; but the thought that stuck her since this evening only made her more miserable, unknowingly. The loneliness of the house seemed to be biting her now; the walls whispered the words of mockery as tears again began to fall down her cheeks swiftly.
For how long she sat in her darkness stricken room Ishani could not tell; she found it comforting. She had struggled her whole life to find light and hope in her but tonight the frail shadows hovering over comforted her. The bleak light piercing through the door left ajar hurt her eyes. Her thoughts came to an end by the sound of a ring from her phone, surprising her. Without looking at the caller she picked up the phone.
"Hello," she said, wiping her tears softly and bringing her voice to a normal tone so that she would not get caught crying.
"Ishani, how are you?" her mother's familiar voice came.
"I'm fine, Maa," Ishani returned, trying to be more convincing than she felt.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes," Ishani nodded her head.
"Why don't I hear the same Ishani that I heard the last time, then?"
"It's nothing, Maa. I was tired. And now feeling little sleepy." Ishani feigned a yawn.
Ishani heard her mother smile slightly.
"You think you can lie to your mother, Ishani?"
"Trust me, Maa. It's nothing serious. How are you?"
"I'm good and there is a good news too that can bright up your day," Falguni said and continued when Ishani said nothing, "Disha is engaged and her fianc and his family are very good people. I know what you are thinking but you know Baa very well, right? She wanted it to be a low key affair so hurried all the rituals and Manas, Disha's fianc, was to leave for abroad so it all happened in a hurry. Ishani? Are you there?"
"I'm happy for all of you, Maa. For Disha and everyone else in the family," Ishani said, faking a smile as if her mother was there, watching her.
"Are you missing your papa?" her mother suddenly said. "Is that why you're sad?"
"Hmm," Ishani said, but could not say anything else.
"What is it, Ishani?"
"I'm missing Papa. If he were here life would be so easier," Ishani replied, as nothing else saying could answer her mother's questions.
"Ishani, sometimes I wish to come to you or call you back home. Why are you there so alone away from your family?"
"It's just because my papa needs his old name back. I couldn't give him that from home. Condition was so bad, and without Ran..." Ishani paused for a few moments, "...Ranveer it was impossible to do so." She gulped.
"Don't take his name," Falguni said in her usual contemptuous tone which stung Ishani's heart everytime she heard this hatred in her mother's voice. "You have done better already and that too without his help. I hope you take him out of your thoughts and mind soon. It's of no use since he was the one who betrayed our trust. You remember that?"
"Maa, why do you have to think about that betrayal only? It was never proved. How can you forget he was the one who was the most loyal to papa? He was the one papa trusted the most."
"And he was the one who betrayed us. Aren't your sister's words enough for you?" Falguni's contemptuous voice cut her words.
Her mother brought the same things into focus that had been her favorite sports to think about. Every night she had struggled with them and had remained unanswered. But now a part of her told a different story and she could not ignore that.
"You'd never understand this, Maa. Never," Ishani said, feeling her mother had again failed to understand her like hundreds of times before.
Ishani disconnected the call and let herself get lost in the darkness once again. She feared closing her eyes, for they only released tears. She felt too tired to keep them open but that offered no hope. She dreaded sleep, for it brought those nightmares back into the vision, and them coming true was what made her terribly anxious. The clock in her room chimed sweetly, but the sweetness seemed bitter yet she could guess it was 11 at night.
She wondered what had happened at the meeting and did Ranveer really agree to marry the girl? She wished he didn't. If she could see the girl she would tell her that Ranveer was only her friend. While still lost in her own thoughts Ishani's mind came to a realization.
She and Ranveer were friends and she had been with Chirag, yet he never said anything. She wondered if he felt the same way...like she did. Did he also spend such painful evenings thinking to himself how their friendship was coming to an end? She had no answer; and no one to answer.
Was she being selfish tonight, were her thoughts, and they added more misery to her heart along with the existing ones. Whatever the present was, and even though it offered no comfort at the moment she could not get his promise out of her consciousness.
"I'll never leave you, Ishani."
*
Ranveer did not reach his house until late. He waited for his mother to sleep so that he could have enough time to tell her the truth. She would panic, cry and then scold him for being so careless about his life. Sometimes he thought mothers had a special way to make their children do what they wanted to, and children would have to because their mothers had ordered so. Ranveer always maintained he could convince his parents about the things that influenced him most intimately but now he felt he was failing. His mother could see the changes in his moods: sometimes extremely happy and many a times low. He tried keeping himself in harmony of his previous feelings but the wall was breaking gradually. He hoped she had slept by now as he entered his house and found all the lights already shut and not a single leaf in the garden stirred. Slowly he walked towards his room and keeping aside his jacket and phone on the table he switched on the lights.
Few moments had passed when he heard a sound of footsteps at his door and he looked towards them. His mother stood at the doorstep while Ranveer's heart clenched slightly.
"Maa, you...you shouldn't be up this time," he fumbled, wondering why it was harder to say something.
Amba did not say anything.
"Maa, please! Would you say something?" Ranveer said, this time louder.
"I'm not deaf," Amba answered.
"I'm sorry. You didn't answer so thought of speaking loudly," Ranveer said.
"Why did you deny the proposal, Ranveer? Shreya was s good girl. She was from a good family; your father has known them for a long time. We were sure you would both like each other..." but was cut short by Ranveer's impatient voice.
"Maa, please try to understand. I atleast expect you to know I don't want to marry. You know why."
"I know. And that is why I think it's better if you let go of the past."
"You think that is possible? I moved to London after that night only so that it could be possible to let go of the things that had broken us, but I'm still there. I can't come out of it. And you know, Maa, the problem is all the forces of my life have been blended in that moment when I told Ishani I love her," Ranveer said.
"How long can you carry on like this? Not forever. Don't do this, Ranveer. Ishani never cared, and she doesn't even now. Trust me," Amba said, teary-eyed.
"I don't know how long can I carry on like this, but I know the day I stop doing so, would be the last day of my life. Even though it sounds impractical to you, Maa, at this moment this is the truth of my life," Ranveer said, drawing his gaze away from his mother and looking at the dark trees, being stirred now by a faint air.
"But, Ranveer, this is insane!" Amba yawped. "Why do you think we would see you every day like this? Suffering for no reason?"
"As I have said this hundreds of times before that as long as I have you and Baba, I need absolutely nothing, I'm content and I have everything."
Amba looked at Ranveer with the same gaze she always did when any such discussion came to an end, or was forced to end by him. He could tell she felt defeated, broken. Her eyes said that even if she kept quiet.
Ranveer said nothing for a few minutes and the silence of his mother's did not help either. He wished she said something, for a spasm of guilt burst within him as his mother fell silent. He was sorry, but she had to understand this. He could not stop being selfish all this time, while his mother had always been there for him and so had been his father. Yet there came a time when his parents could not understand him. They refused to listen to what he thought and felt. And this was just another day when his feelings and opinions differed from theirs and he was left with a feeling of guilt so deep.
Amba left his room after sometime as he returned to his bed. She had asked him for dinner but he denied saying he already had had it after a meeting few hours ago. No sleep came over him, and he wondered if the dawn was near. Weariness had again overcome him, making him feel sleepy in a few moments. But as he closed his eyes, Ishani's face flashed before him in the darkness and he felt he saw her teary-eyed, looking for him.
Ranveer felt a strong urge to talk to her, worried fir the fact if she was alright and why he felt something was wrong; but time was not his slave that could work under his orders and make people work at his will. He glanced at the watch and it showed 2.30 am.
"She must be asleep by now," he said to himself. But Ranveer could not help feeling uneasy and knew just like all the other nights this one too was going to be dedicated to Ishani's thoughts; for she was a part he could never separate himself from.
*
Ranveer realized the gravity of the nightmares that had devastated Ishani twice before when she had panicked and wanted to see him with herself right away. He too couldn't bring himself to sleep the entire night as he couldn't waste one moment to see her, to meet her when arrived at the office. He missed the breakfast telling his mother he had to leave early while his mother looked at him as if she knew the cause he was leaving just in the morning. He did not feel like explaining anything to her, hoping she would understand it herself, but could not help feeling guilty inwardly either. Ishani had not arrived yet as Ranveer asked Puneet who denied her arrival at the office. Although Ranveer did not know whether she would come at all or not, because there was no definite time she would come, if at all.
Ranveer tried calling her by phone but she would not pick up his call. His anxiousness increased as time flew by. Puneet said he had not talked to Ishani either that day to which Ranveer scolded him for not informing her for a meeting that was to be held that evening. Puneet looked at Ranveer, confused, since he was well aware there was no meeting with Miss Parekh and nor was he informed by his boss about any.
Ranveer did not answer any question that left Puneet confused, and he continuously kept looking towards the entrance of the office building.
It was midday when Ranveer saw Ishani quietly walking towards her cabin; but she did not for once pay any attention to him as he went towards her. She was alone, and wore her favorite red salwar-kameez as she walked past him gracefully. He waited for her to be back, hoping she did this early and saw her descending the stairs in half an hour.
"Ishani," Ranveer ran behind her, as she stopped at his call. "I want to talk to you."
Ishani nodded and came into his cabin, smiling lightly.
"Ishani, are you alright?"
She nodded her head.
"Did you not sleep last night?" he asked, as dark circle below her eyes had appeared on her face from nowhere, and she looked worn out.
"I did," said her little voice.
"Why are you so quiet? Why didn't you pick up my phone? I've been so worried since morning, do you any idea of that?" Ranveer said, impatient enough to finish early to hear from her.
"I'm sorry," Ishani said, yet silently, now slight guilt visible in her eyes. "I was busy."
"You could've picked up my phone when I called you," Ranveer said.
"Why?"
The question left Ranveer speechless. He waited the whole night to talk to her, but only to be speechless again by her questions. Why he cared about her so much? Shouldn't she know? Why she liked asking the questions he had no answers of?
Ranveer withdrew his gaze away from hers, so did Ishani.
"I just felt you were in trouble. That's why I was worried. Nothing much," he said.
"Ranveer?"
Ranveer looked at her again.
"How"how did your meeting go with..."
Ishani did not complete her question but he understood what she meant.
"Shreya is a good girl," Ranveer said. "And I followed your advice too."
Ranveer saw Ishani flinch slightly as he continued, "But it didn't work. Who would really like to marry someone as boring as I?"
Ishani's shifted her eyes towards Ranveer again as he saw a glint of life returning to them. He wondered if he was imagining things or the change in her had actually taken place in that moment.
"What?" was the only thing that left her lips, as she stared him mindlessly.
"Yes," Ranveer said with a sigh. "It didn't."
"But why? How?"
Ranveer felt tempted to let her know the whole story how Shreya had guessed he loved someone else and that someone else was standing in front of him already; but chose to keep quiet on the matter, for they had no meaning beyond him.
"Well, it's just something that couldn't happen. And I'm in no hurry to get married too," Ranveer said.
Ishani smiled gaily, and Ranveer realized there was no question from her side now.
"I think it's for good," she said, now unable to hide her excitement.
"So do I," Ranveer said, hoping beyond hope of something which could not come true.
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