Singh is Bling review/BO thread

DIRECTOR: Prabhu Deva
STARRING: Akshay Kumar, Amy Jackson and Lara Dutta
RATING: (-) 10

I need oxygen. I seriously can't breathe. It feels like someone poured burning acid into my eyes and shoved cactus down my throat. I have watched worse, really. I had survived a Hero, a Katti Batti, even a Creature in 3D. But this one beats all of them to a frigging punch. Phew. Breathe in. HOLD. Breathe out!!

Singh is Bling is a story about Ms One Expression (Amy Jackson) who is caught between two sleazeballs: Kay Kay Menon in Romania and Akshay Kumar in India. Ms One Expression dodges Sleazeball 1 and comes to India to look for her mother, which, by the way, she never does.

Singh is King is one of the most mind-numbing stories, sorry, did I say stories? Damn, that will be misleading. BECAUSE THERE IS NO STORY!! There are ONLY banal sequences, funny ONLY to the director/writer.

Sample this.

Lara Dutta sleepwalks, makes men follow her at night. And when they get all excited at the possibility of some action', she hits them between their legs with a coconut.

Or Prabhu Deva appears from nowhere and starts peeing on Akshay Kumar.

But there is one progressive scene in the movie. Sleazeball lectures two abla naaris being eve teased. He tells them to use their anger against those roadside Romeos and beat them to pulp. Wow. This makes so much sense especially when we have seen Sleazeball leching at One Expression, touching her inappropriately and taking sneaky pictures of her ALL THROUGH THE MOVIE.

We wait hoping against the hope that the movie will move forward. Either Sleazeball 1 will trace Ms One Expression down in India or Ms One Expression will find her mother in India. None of that happens. All that can wait. Instead Sleazeball 2 and One Expression go to Punjab so that we can show our foreigner baby some Alok Nath kind of hospitality that can happen only in Punjab, the poster child-state of rishto ki gehrai. Because hey in Goa, we only smoke up and attend rave parties. Sarso da saag and Makki di roti kind of love is strictly reserved for North India.

One Expression sings some songs with Sleazeball, shoots some bonding-breeze with his mom and dad and learns an important lesson on pyar aur pariwaar. She finally goes to Romania to get married to Sleazeball 1. Arey, then why did you come to India? You didn't even meet your mom? WHAT IS GOING ON, I wondered, tearing my hair out?

Akshay-now-available-in-a-beard-Kumar is as uninspiring and irritating as his character.

Amy-Katrina-Kaif-Part-2-Jackson is lacklustre. She looks hot, does her action sequences well but fails to emote. She will soon be seen in many Hindi films, playing an NRI daughter who comes to India to discover her roots.

Lara Dutta is reduced to a caricature, yet she manages to evoke a smile or two.

Kay Kay Menon has some maverick dialogues too, like Easy-is-boring.' Or I-am-too-good.' Wait Mr Menon, let me be the bearer of bad news here. YOU ARE NOT GOOD in the movie.

I would rather poke myself in the eye with a blunt knife (REPEATEDLY) than watch any Prabhu Deva film ever again. Trust me that will be a breeze in front of this nonsense that spools out mercilessly for three hours.

WHAT THE RATINGS MEAN:

5 stars: Loved it. (This could make to top ten movies you must watch before you die!)
4 stars: Liked it. Recommend it. (This will help you sound intellectual and give you stuff to add at water cooler conversations.)
3 stars: Didn't hurt. Watch it once.
2 stars: It put me to sleep. Watch it if you are an insomniac or a newly wedded couple. Winks!
1 star: Do I even need to explain this?