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Chapter 32 "When? I don't know...
"But it happened, it's more about us now than you or I."
"Maybe it's because we're comfortable with each other."
"Or your care and concern."
"Same goes for you. And I know you more now."
"So do I. You know, I think it's more that I like being with you."
"Not more than me. I like your company."
Silence entered the room once again as they both were lost in their thoughts. This conversation was a reflection of their true feeling. This conversation was just whatever came into their thoughts, they had spoken all those words from their hearts in a trance. And now as they snapped out of their trance, they realized all they had been saying to each other. They didn't know what the reaction of the other was and chose to be quiet until she spoke up asking him nervously...
"Raman, are you happy with this change?"
"Why wouldn't I be?"
They looked up at each other for the first time in their conversation. They both had one question in their minds; were they beyond friendship and to the point of... love. Love; the very love they were scared of, they avoided, that once broke them, that shattered their hearts and souls. Were they heading to the same love which they thought they didn't deserve or ever get? And what was the other person thinking about these feelings and changes in them?
They both looked away from each other not wanting to show any feelings on their face to the other. They themselves didn't know how they were feeling about this. Was it even love and if it was, then was it something they really wanted. It was the same love that had hurt them so much and they both didn't want to be hurt again hence tried to convince themselves this was not love.
But then again whatever they shared with each other was so different from their previous relationships. They were in love then, but never had they felt like this. They never spent time talking about their day, gone grocery shopping, never bonded over children, never had fears of losing the other person, and they never consoled someone else when they broke down. Then how could this be love? Wasn't love more dreamy, wasn't it supposed having weird feelings around the other person, wasn't it all that stuff they watched on TV? What was love and were they really headed towards it with each other?
She looked over at him as he was in deep thoughts, and he looked at her as he felt her gaze on him. He assumed from the way she looked at him curiously that she might be offended or confused by his sentence.
"Sorry if you felt bad. I just meant that it's nice having you around. I didn't mean anything like..."
Why was he apologizing? Every time he thought she might be slightly affected by his actions or words, he always went ahead trying to make her easier and fixing is mistakes. He was always like this, but today she found herself comparing him to Subbu, something she hated doing, but the contrast between them and her confusion on love and relationships made her. He cared, respected, trusted, worried, almost cherished her and they still couldn't call this love while Subbu didn't worry for her, the respect was slightly there, but she never felt any care and she had called him the love of her life.
As she remembered Subbu, anger and pain evoked in her and she didn't know what to do about it. Before she would keep her feelings aside and cover up, but now after she had met Raman and seen his nature, she felt even more hurt as she noticed the difference between the two men. She hated the fact she loved Subbu, that she had done all that she did for him, that they had ever been together. She wanted to let out the mixed emotions in her, but didn't know how until she looked back at him. She wanted to talk to him, this time not because he wanted to know or she wanted to balance this relationship, she wanted to do this for herself...
"If only all men were like you...but I guess that's not possible." She got his attention and he knew what was coming up. Her sentence and the sad tone of her voice told him everything, she wanted to talk about him. But he couldn't. He couldn't have her share her past because of his pressurizing.
"Ishita..."
"It was all one sided. I loved him with all my heart."
"Ish-"
"Today I want to tell. I want to get rid of all this in me. Will you let me?" He took his hand into his and nodded with a faint smile...
"Go ahead, I'm here."
"We met in college through some common friends. We seemed to be quite similar, so that got us talking. It soon became talking all the time. And people started talking about us while we talked to each other. It was a few months after we had become friends, he asked me out. Maybe I had started to have feelings for him as well, so I went along with it. One date led to another, and a few meetings in, I really started to like him and found myself in love. This man had become my first love in mere months and he was all I could think of."
He knew what her feelings might have been as he had felt the same for Shagun who he loved with all his heart in just a few meetings. Looking at her upset face and the struggle to hide her emotions visible, he gently ran his hand over her head and took her head placing it on his chest. She wrapped her arms around him and closed her eyes as she continued...
"I started to do anything and everything I could for our relationship. Bunking college, tried at hand at cooking, dressing out of my comfort zone all for him. I started to think that's what relationships were about; trying to live up to the expectation of the other. And I know you have to make some compromises in love and relationships, but I never knew when to stop or how to put my expectations in front of him. Maybe that's why our relationship was one sided."
He looked at her once again and she looked straight ahead with a blank face devoid of any emotions. Something was hurting her terribly and maybe she was trying to avoid it again. He wanted her to speak and voice out her emotions, but clearly it wasn't something she was used to and she continued talking blankly...
"Raman you thought our relationship is one sided. Maybe it is, but slightly not like what I've seen before. I couldn't ever express my thoughts, my feelings, my wants to him because I was almost scared of him. Scared of losing him and scared of disappointing him. So I did all he wanted when he wanted. He started to come closer to me physically and though I had never been close to anyone, I knew it had to happen one day or the other so I did as he wanted. I went out of my way and out of my comfort zone for him. We started to come closer in all means except we never had an emotionally connect."
"And then one night we were together, we had been together for 6 months now. He wanted to go ahead with me, basically he wanted to sleep with me. I couldn't do it. I wasn't ready and it's never easy the first time around anyways. How would I know he wasn't just playing around? It wasn't that I didn't trust him, but I wasn't sure. And I just wasn't ready to give myself to anyone."
"Did you say no to him?"
"Yep. Probably for once, I told him all on my mind. My problem or hesitance and the reason behind it. He said he was okay. He wasn't having a problem with my intimacy issues and said he understood. But he didn't, he thought all I wanted was marriage and I would be okay to let him have my body. It wasn't the case. I wanted to know him, to have him make me feel wanted, not just as pleasure but for love. I didn't have a problem sleeping with him, but I wanted it to be out of love, not just for the fulfilling your wants. And so he thought the way to get me to his bed was a diamond ring. He proposed and I accepted because I thought it was genuine...but it wasn't."
"He proposed, was ready for marriage then why the breakup?"
"The night after the proposal...we went to his place. He lived alone and I had told Amma I was out at a friend's. I tried to convince myself that it's all okay now, that he loves me and I should go ahead with it, but I couldn't."
"Like you had that argument with Shagun, we had that one argument as well. It was like hell broke loose. Another face of his came in front of me. That anger I saw in him, I never saw before in anyone. He was mad and he was desperate to get what he wanted. Tears, screaming, and lots of accusations back and forth; it all happened. We argued and it came to the point where he got down to my weakness, he started with the "if you truly love me, then..." talks. He was mad, I was confused and hurt. We wanted a break. We didn't talk. For days."
A tear finally fell from her eye as she talked about their argument. This was probably going to be the most painful part of their story he realized. Tightening his grip on her hand and patting her head with the other, he encouraged her to continue when she wanted...
"He called me back. I went. But this time I was ready to do all to save our relationship. I really loved him and wanted to be with him. So I agreed to go forward. The very day we got back together was the day we first slept together. And you know, I was happy. Yes I thought I wasn't ready, but if this was for him and his love I was ready. I was glad we were moving forward, it seemed like it was only making him happier and that's all I wanted. So more often we slept together, more like whenever he wanted to, I would go ahead with it. But amidst all that, that love wasn't there. He wasn't that Subbu I talked to all the time. It was more like we met on a date, talked, and then slept. It was like that for a while. And I thought it was normal back then, but at the time I didn't realize that we were losing the connect we had. Our relationship became limited to the bed."
She clutched onto his hand tightly and buried her head into his chest as she continued trying to hide her tears and sadness. He knew she wouldn't like anyone seeing her vulnerable side, so he gave her time to relax herself before she continued...
"It went like that for a year. I compromised and thought he was to from his side, he was happy and I thought I was happy. But then slowly I was becoming distanced from him. Love making didn't have that love anymore. I was there for him, but never fully there. I started to for once notice other people and their relationships, the happy people where both were content. I started to wish for that. I wanted to be pampered, given gift irrespective of the size or thought, I wanted to talk to him about my day and silly thoughts...I started wanting a fake world...a fairy tale."
"Soon I got ejected from my dreamland when I found out I was pregnant. Just a week before I met you. I was so happy. I know it was not the best news from an unmarried middle class girl in Delhi, but I thought he would accept the baby. After all we were engaged and I was in love. But turns out he wasn't exactly happy. When I told him, I wasn't expecting the best reaction, but I didn't think he would say what he did. Abortion, a mistake, a huge problem, hurdle in our love...I wasn't expecting that. I tried to tell him it wasn't that big of a problem, we would get married before the baby and he laughed. He laughed at the thought of marriage...he didn't want to marry...said he wasn't ready for marriage or our baby. He wanted my body, he wanted me on his bed, that's all and that was what I had been doing for over a year. The baby would take that away from him, so he didn't want the baby or I would keep the baby, but be alone."
She started to sob and as he started to say something to console her, she muffled her cries with her hand and stopped crying in a few seconds. He was amazed at her ability to appear normal and try to not show emotions as she put up a blank face again before continuing...
"I was shattered...felt betrayed, but then I had always given him the upper hand. It was always what he wanted, when he wanted, how he wanted, and his choices & decisions. For the first time I didn't want to give in. I didn't care about his decision, I wanted to choose for myself. I kept the baby and that was it. It was over in mere minutes. He walked out not ever looking back to see what I did with his baby or myself. And it was over."
Pain, disappointment, anger, disgust was all evident on her face. She couldn't hide it from him no matter how much she tried. She was too scared to show emotions because he knew she wanted to let him out but something stopped her and it was her fear. And why shouldn't she be scared? She had shown her vulnerability and feelings to one man before and he discarded them and didn't care, so she was bound to think twice before doing it again, but he couldn't let her suffer inside anymore...
"Ishita, if you want to let it out, then do it properly. Stop trying to act unaffected because I know it's hurting you."
She looked at his tear filled eyes and as he nodded at her asking her to go ahead, she clung onto him tightly. She silently wept while he let her cry and stroked her head letting her know it was okay now. She mumbled how much she hated him, how she hated herself for loving Subbu and added how thankful she was for him and Ruhi's entry in her life. He listened to everything silently as he remembered how he had been in this same position days ago and she had never commented, just simply been there and now he was doing the same for her. He was there for her...
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That was all for this one! Please like and leave your feedback! Will look forward to reading it! And again thanks for the love you all have given this story!🤗
Edited by smilesforever98 - 10 years ago
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