Yuvraj entered his room, threw down his bags and saw Suhani smiling a welcome at him. He batted away the mirage and decided he needed a shower. He had been touring Europe for the last 3 months, trying to expand the Birla products market, and being away had been marginally less painful, in that he was in new places where her shadows didn't hover--they only lingered in his mind. Now he was back and it was as bad as it had been before. She was everywhere--and nowhere. His mother looked so much older when he'd greeted her just now--it was Suhani's fault. She had hurt her "maa" so much by her behavior. If she had issues with him, why cut out maa and Sharad? He nursed his spurt of anger, but it died under the weight of the anguish that cut through him every now and then.
Sharad had told him he'd thought he'd seen her once, but on second thoughts he'd felt it was probably someone else, short hair she'd had. It was time he closed this chapter for good and moved on. As she obviously had. His mind conjured up images of her with some other guy, and he could not--would not--bear it. He had even tried to contact Soumya, wondering if all this was somehow related to her. He wouldn't put anything past her. But what? Soumya had given up on him, she would get nothing out of causing trouble now. As it happened, Krishna and Soumya had moved away and were apparently no longer in Allahabad.
He had to see Suhani. She had to talk to him, at least. Maybe then he could let go. He needed to know why, he needed to tell her why not, that he was going crazy without her to drive him crazy.
As the family sat down to lunch, a bleary-eyed Yujraj grumpily took his place at the table. He was so sleepy, still. He had to get over the jet lag, and sleeping all day would not help. Dadi smiled at him and said, "Beta, take a week or two off. You've done well, and we have extra staff in place. Your brothers will cope. "
He stretched his lips in a smile and thanked her. He found it difficult to continue to be polite to dadi, but he knew that for all her faults she did love him and was concerned about him.
He spent his time off meeting his friends, filling his time with other people to avoid that bite of hurt and bitterness that lurked in his mind. As he came home late one night, Sharad was waiting for him with a determined look on his face.
"What is it, Sharad?" asked Yuvraj. "Not in the mood for your drivel."
"You're not in the mood for anything much, looks like. What are you thinking these days, Guru? Talk to me, let it out."
Yuvraj thought for a bit, then nodded at Sharad. "I feel like she cheated me. I know, I know, you'll jump to your bhabhi's defence, but I'm telling you how I feel. She promised me forever, but she just cut me out. And I know I haven't been the ideal husband, friend, whatever. Maybe I do deserve this."
"The question is, Guru, what do you want, and how can you get it?"
"Sharad, I don't know if I can get it. I know that I failed in many ways. When I felt drawn to Suhani I resisted her because some unconscious part of me felt that to have feelings of anything but a friendly nature for her would affect my standing, would mock all that Yuvraj Birla had thought important. I used to see Soumya and think..."
"Soumya!" hissed Sharad, "That snake under grass..."
"Hear me out. For a while after Soumya fooled me with her 'friendship-only' lies, I felt very kindly towards her, and I felt angry with Suhani, because--I figured this out later--I subconsciously felt that if she had had the kind of guile Soumya had, the ability to pretend, plus the attributes that first got me so infatuated, my life could've been easier."
He looked at Sharad's mutinous expression and continued, "I didn't, don't love Soumya. But when I saw her, I felt how much easier it would be if Suhani had her outer shell--the look, the style, the culture, which all fit in with my lifestyle--and Soumya had dadi's approval, though not maa's. Suhani is gauche, she could look like a million bucks, but she will not even try. In a way that's admirable, and she grew upon me in a way that she became attractive as she is, but she would not make the slightest effort. She never listened to me--she is headstrong and opinionated. I know that I really don't want Suhani any different, but then I think I felt she was just complicating matters.
"I swear, Sharad, I did not realize what my mind was processing, but I think I believed that if I could feel stuff for Suhani, who was so not my type, then maybe there was someone out there who could be the perfect woman for me--a kind of Suhani who would reflect well on Yuvraj Birla. I kept her on hold because I didn't want to take advantage, but also because I didn't want the commitment."
"Wah, Guru, kya uchh vichar hai tumhare. You should be happy, then, that she's gone and you can find your Barbie doll with a Suhana heart."
"I said I thought that way, way back in my mind. I figured this out over the past months. I am not proud of it, but I'm admitting it. If you want to blame me for that, get in line."
"But you still haven't told me the bottom line. Do you love her, or are you just out to prove Suhani Srivastav cannot leave Yuvraj Birla?"
"You need to ask? Do you think I'm driving myself nuts just for my ego? I feel gutted, like someone has actually pulled out my insides. I never felt anything like this--to have thought I loved Soumya, that was a joke. I barely suffered more than a loss of pride over her. Your Suhani bhabhi, she has trashed my life. Maybe in time I will get over this, but right now I cannot think beyond her."
"You still haven't said it," Sharad pointed out.
"I just don't feel comfortable saying these things now. I felt such a fool over that Soumya. But ok," he looked down, embarrassed. "I love her. I'm in love with her. Are you happy now?"
"I already knew it, Guru--remember how often I tried to get you to see it? If only you could've seen yourself looking at Suhani bhabhi at times! If anything, I think your feelings for her are stronger than hers for you. Her love is--was--blind, innocent. I don't think she re-evaluated it as the truths that rocked her world came out. Maybe she has now. Maybe that's why she's cut you off."
"Then she must tell me that. Why won't she speak to me, Sharad? And why has she cut off maa--and you? So I have no access? "
"We'll find her, Guru. If she's in Allahabad and hasn't run off with that Soumya."
They were out together, Sharad and Yuvraj, when they finally saw Suhani. She was with some guy, standing at a golgappe stall, washing her hands, probably after eating pani puris. They clutched each other in disbelief.
"It was her that time," Sharad said, seeing the short hair. "At least I think that was her too. What do we do now, Guru?"
Yuvraj was already striding towards Suhani. As he reached the stand, he tapped her shoulder and she turned to him, looking at him like she barely knew him. "Hi, Suhani, remember me?" he asked, almost sarcastically.
She looked blank, then said, "Yuvraj."
"Shukar hai, you at least remember who I am," he said nastily.
Her companion looked harried. "Come, Suhani, let's go. It's getting late, we need get going." She smiled at Yuvraj and Sharad kind of dismissively and turned to go. The cousins looked at each other, unsure of what to say or do as they watched her walk away. She seemed so detached, like they were distant relations she had long forgotten. Yuvraj had imagined meeting her many times, but never in a situation where he would feel this sidelined, so wrong-footed, so reduced.
"I'm going to try Bhavna again," Yuvraj told his mother and Sharad the next day. "She may understand that I must talk to her. Right now I don't know how, the way she froze Sharad and me yesterday. I want to know what happened to change her from the Suhani who loved me to bits to one who looks like I don't matter to her at all."
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