#5 Ashlok Dark FF-My Ransacked Hear/UPDATED/Last Chapter(Pg-34,35) - Page 8

Price Of Heart

~ I've always been afraid of losing people i love ~ sometimes i wonder if there is anyone out there afraid to lose me ~

It's not your fault that i can't trust

It's in my past, in my path and i can't go there

I am making a mess out of this game, to see it all go up in flames

So tired of being ruthless and reckless

I don't believe in love and i pull it to the wall

It's gut wrenching sometimes, it's life threatening sometimes

Seems like nothing can wash it away

I know it's the time now, the time to be your only one

Time to dream that our love will last

"If it becomes too confusing, then trust this son, it won't lie to you ever", Niranjan Agnihotri, placed a hand over his 8 years old son's chest, indicating his heart. "That is the only thing that remains pure till the end", he said gently. "Then what about bad people, do they have a pure heart", he asked innocently. "That is not their heart son which hurts people, it's just that they don't listen to the voices of their heart that is admonishing them to stop their wicked act".

"Then baba that means if I would hurt someone then I wouldn't be listening to my heart's voice", he batted his eyelashes in a gullible fashion. "Hey why would my child hurt someone, you are not like that son, am I right or not", Niranjan mock punched his son's shoulder. "No I won't be able to hurt anyone, I would listen to my heart's voice as you said", his innocent eyes were shining with the light of trust as they lifted towards the heaven in promise...

"It was all a lie", Shlok was saying, his eyes staring in the space, as if trying to see beyond the cobwebs of lost memory. "What was a lie?", she asked, heaving up herself on one elbow to look at his illuminated face in the lamp's soft glow. They were still lying on his study room's carpet. He had tried to get up after declaring that he don't trust her, but she had halted his movements, by grabbing at his arm.

"Don't trust me then, I am not asking for it", it had taken a huge courageous move at her part to say those words to him. He hadn't resisted at all as she had drew him down on the carpet at her side. His head was still bowed, having no courage to look into her eyes and his shoulders hunched like an ashamed child who had committed some sin and was now too much embarrassed to look into his parent's eye.

"It doesn't matter, I can wait for it", she shushed him, drawing him down into her embrace and he had gone into her soothing arms, without hesitation, hiding his face in the curve of her neck...

They both had been naked in their embrace, but it didn't matter to them. They were more natural, more comfortable like that, where there was no need for masks, no clothing to hide the scars and where everything was out in the open at last. He was not only naked to her physically but mentally too.

He was saying that he didn't trust her, but it was a lie that only his heart knew. He had given permission to her to peel off his clothes, which was evidence enough that he trusted her in his own way showing her his scars that were not physical only but were mental too.

They had sat there holding each other, no words were necessary. The moment had been precious and nothing in the world could describe the feeling which Astha had felt at the moment. With the sweat cooling on their bodies now, they both had felt the chill and then had gotten dressed as much as they could find their clothing nearby.

Astha had wrapped the gown over her form as her nightie had been ripped to pieces and Shlok had worn his trousers, leaving his upper torso naked. His shirt had been found too in a ragged condition...

Now they were both lying on the carpet with her head placed in the curve of his shoulder and his one arm wrapped around her. When he hadn't declared his love to her, they both had found many topics to converse and bicker over but strangely now they both were finding it difficult and awkward to converse. With everything out of the way, they had only one thing left between them.

The issue of trust which was the most important issue of his life and hers too. It was so easy to lie like that in his arms with no thought of tomorrow and yesterday, but so difficult to sort out each other's complicated lives.

They both were like phoenix, having burst into the flames of their own passions, they had risen together again to face a new dawn of love. But love was nothing without trust, she knew that as much as he knew it too. That knowledge was in his eyes, his sorrowful and shadowed eyes, which seemed to be hiding a well of hurt behind them. It all depended on her, as of now how would she drag that helpless and scared child from inside him, which was still hiding in the corner, mistrustful of his surroundings...

If she knew him better than he had already taken the first step towards her, by conquering his fear and declaring his love to her. Although it was an admission of love not a confession of love, as if he was ashamed to love her and hated that feeling but something is better than nothing. It was the joining of the first piece of his broken heart, the first piece of his fragmented trust, the first step of towards accepting her love and he hadn't hesitated in that, she was glad to know...

Shlok's fingers were absentmindedly drawing soothing circles over her arm and hers were tracing patterns of the scars over his chest. It was too quiet, just like the calm that comes after the storm. Before she could open her mouth to say something he spoke quietly by her side. "It was all a lie", his voice was so bleak that she stiffened at his side, then got up on one elbow to ask him that what did he mean by that.

"The most sweetest yet heart wrenching lie that a father could tell his son", he was saying, still staring upwards at the ceiling, his eyes shadowed and his face stark with patterns of light from the lamp, dancing across it, sharpening the angles...

A confused expression appeared in her eyes but she knew better than to ask him. It was better not to disturb him as much as he was lost in his past thoughts. So she placed her chin on the shelf of her palms and listened to him peeling layers of his past memories...

"I stopped listening to my heart a long time ago, as it lied and betrayed me at every corner of my life, gave me hope until the reality shattered it, gave me love until it was snatched away from me", he was unconsciously pouring out his heart. "My father lied when he told me to listen to my heart, he never told me the truth that the heart also spins webs of illusions and once you are trapped in those webs, you could never find a way out, while wandering aimlessly trying to bring those illusions into life", he continued in a bitter voice.

"So I buried its voice, never listened to it until now as it repeated to me continuously that it wanted to feel that love again". His face was contorting in a mask of agony, so she lifted a hesitant finger and then placing it over his cool brow begun to smooth the frowns away.

"Stupid, nave heart never ever learnt the lesson, but from the beginning it was never in my control", he gave a hollow laugh. "The heart wants what it wants and when it saw you for the first time it wanted you", he still wasn't looking at her face. Astha's smoothing finger trembled to a halt, but only for a moment then it resumed it's stroking motion.

"It burnt and yearned for you like a child, until my mind begun to weaken under the onslaught of its rising voice and I thought, for once I'll listen to him again, for once I'll get your love to sooth its hurt then after you would fill up its wounds I'll throw that love away and would continue my life listening to my mind again because then it wouldn't hurt", he was explaining in a gloomy voice.

That must be his reason for continuously asking her to leave him alone, she was beginning to understand him and his reasons now. "Your being Avdhoot's daughter was not the sole reason, my revenge was only to the part where I would use you as a bait to trap Avdhoot, not the part where I asked you to become my mistress, that part was only for my own selfish reasons", his hand wasn't stroking her arm anymore, it was lying at her waist, clenched so tightly that veins bulged through the skin.

Astha flinched at the mention of her father's name but she didn't try to stop the tirade. He needed to open up as well as she needed to know his innermost feelings. So however much they would be painful or hurt her too, she needed to listen to him because it was his catharsis as well as hers...

He needed to tell her all inorder to pick up a fresh start, to be able to trust once again on humanity...

And for that he should be able to trust himself...

"I wanted to kill Avdhoot for a long time, not physically as it wouldn't have served my purpose but to see him dying everyday and you were his perfect weakness, I came to know that on that day when you offered me your ice-cream". Astha stiffened on listening him reminiscing that day.

So he hadn't forgotten that day as it seemed he had but had only pretended that he didn't remember. "To see you so trusting of your father, so gullible so innocent, for you he was the perfect father but for a 17 year old me he was the perfect monster who took my childhood, my innocence and gave it to his own daughter", a tear leaked from the corner of his eye which Astha bent to capture with her lips...

He didn't try to stop her, not because he couldn't but because he was too far gone away mentally to notice his surroundings. He was reminiscing his past, opening up his wounds that never healed and all infront of her. What was it if it was not trust. Poor foolish man, he didn't know that his own words had never matched his actions.

"It hurt that feeling of what I have lost and he had gained from my loss, it tore me into pieces that corrosive bitterness that I felt towards him and you, the child which should have been never born as his daughter", another tear rolled from his eye which too Astha swept away from the tips of her fingers.

"Then when I entered in the mafia world I had your information from your childhood till your adulthood, I wanted to see what kind of person you were, would she inherit her father's traits or not, then I found you out, stealing jewels and antiques and I thought that I wouldn't be hurting an innocent person in my revenge", his voice was bitter, lashing on her conscience...

"I formed a halo in my mind of a fox-like person, who flirted on whim, didn't care about human emotions and I did everything according to it, kidnapped you, forced myself on you, made you my mistress, used you as a bait and all that in the name of revenge, because I was thinking that I wasn't hurting you as you were just as emotionless and as much cold as me", drawing his arms from around her he got up on his feet and headed towards the window...

A teary-eyed Astha didn't try to stop him as he parted the thick curtains, letting sunlight of the rising sun flood in the darkened room...

It was already beginning to dawn and the sun was rising on the horizon...

But what about the wintry darkness that was a part of him and which was refusing to let him go, she thought with a heavy heart. He only had to part the curtains of past at his heart and let the sunlight of warm, sweet emotions flood in his heart...

"I was wrong it seemed, you confused me, your innocent ways made me frustrated and it was hell, the more I tried to hit at you, the more I was hurting myself", he rubbed his knuckles like a child into the sockets of his weary eyes. The sunlight was turning coppery, gleaming on his naked back that was turned towards him, revealing all of his battle scars in their glory.

Heaving up herself on her feet she went to him and sliding her arms around his waist from behind she placed her forehead on the broad expanse of his back...

His fingers came to cover her clasped hands, their tips tracing the veins on her fragile skin. "I wanted to shake you hard and ask as to why you were not like the scheming manipulating woman that I thought of you before, but I always hesitated because to ask your reality was not included in my plans", he swallowed bitterly.

Her shoulders had begun to shake and tears were beginning to fall from her eyes, wetting his back. "But that thing betrayed me", he continued heavily, thumping at his chest, to indicate his heart. "I was going to ruin you, by taking your innocence and then kicking you out on the street, so Avdhoot could taste the fruits of his sins...

Astha was beginning to sob harder, without letting go of her hold on him. She needed her catharsis too and she needed him by her side while reviving the past. "But I failed in my plan, I couldn't let you be the food of hundreds of wolves wandering on the streets, I thought if you could be at my side then my heart wouldn't be restless and my consciousness wouldn't taunt me as well", he bowed his head, like a criminal accepting his crimes.

"Then if you wanted me to be by your side why did you not tell me then, why to ask me if I could be your mistress or not", she asked him, swallowing the lump of tears in her throat.

"Would you have believed me then princess, i think not", he gave a bitter but low laugh in his throat. "Maybe not", she confessed...

"I wondered why, was it because I didn't want to confess infront of your father that I loved his daughter, while I hated myself for it or was asking you as my mistress the price for my heart's defeat, I only knew that it was the only method to stop you from getting close to me and at the same time keeping you at my side", his voice had an aching feeling of loneliness, which made the tears fall more heavily from her eyes, so she tightened her hold on his waist, lest he would fade away...

"I was trembling, afraid at that moment wondering what would be your answer would it be negative or would you say yes", he heaved a huge breath, letting his burning forehead rest on the cool bars of the window. "I said yes, because I was afraid too, that what would become of me and my mother if I left your place. I was so confused, having being betrayed by my father that I didn't think twice and said yes and maybe that was also because my heart could feel your heart's yearning", she confessed in a teary voice.

"I don't know princess, all i knew was that your reactions, your wide eyed-innocence all confused me as well as angered me too and all I could understand from that was that you were so much good at acting", he paused to take a breath then continued in that same aching tone, "Even when you told me that you loved me I could only compliment you mentally on your good acting and it hurt, God it hurt so much the feeling that while I loved you so deeply and couldn't express it you could express your fake love so easily and that's why I couldn't trust you".

"It was not fake, my love it was true", she said achingly. "Yes I know that now, but I couldn't accept it then because I thought that I was better without another betrayal and I can't accept it now, because I came to know in the end that all I did was to destroy another life and I became just the monster like your father, whom I detested all my life", he turned towards her and her grip loosened from around his waist.

"Don't think like that, it's not the same", her voice was low. "It's the same princess, the method could be different, the circumstances were different but the end was the same empty and destructive", he held her shoulders, moving her a little away and her hands fell helplessly at her sides...

"That's why princess I can't trust you not to run away when it will become more dangerous, hell I don't even trust myself, I don't know what will happen tomorrow or would I be able to protect you and my son or not ", he raked a hand across his face.

"I won't run, leaving you and Abhi how could you think like that", she protested, feeling outraged at his words. "For once in your life think with your head princess, not with your heart", he exploded, holding her shoulders in a vice like grip.

"It's too much dangerous, I am not a normal person living the life of a common man, I am a Mafioso, a gangster, I've murdered, have shed blood in the cold light of the dawn, hundreds of thousands must be after me for revenge, how could you be here and not be hurt, how could my son not be in danger, you must realize that", he shook her harder.

"I don't care about what you have done in your past, I only care about our future, and that's you, me and our son", she answered in a stubborn tone. "Okay I believe that you don't care about my past but it's not easy to lead a normal life now, I am still a gangster or did you forget that part princess", he said in a frustrated tone.

"I know that and that's why I am telling you to let go, leave everything, we could run away, lead a normal life with our son", she grabbed his arms desperately, but he shook off her hold, pressing his fingers at his aching temples.

"It's not as much easy as it seems to be princess, I just can't leave everything, it's live or die in mafia life, we can't ever leave our gangster life, many people had tried to run away from this life but had been killed in an instant", he explained tiredly. "If nothing could be done, then I have no choice but to live here with you, you tried making me leave once and look at the hurt and loneliness it brought you, so I declare the leaving part totally null", she slashed a hand in the air.

"See that's why I don't trust you princess, because you don't know what's best for you and when to let go. You are so selfish, that you are only thinking about yourself not about our son, why don't you get it princess that I don't want to hold another dead body in my arms and that too of my two months old child", he shouted, loosing his patience with her stubborn act.

Her eyes had widened at shock at seeing his frustrated outburst, two fat tears rolled down from her misty eyes. Seeing those he groaned in frustration and raking his already dishevelled hair, turned to face the window again...

"And what if I fall pregnant once again, what of that unborn child then", there was such an eerie and deathly silence at her announcement that even the walls seemed to be holding their breath...

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