Chapter 35: Mere humdum, mere dost
It is funny how someone can break your heart in a million little pieces, and you can still love them with every single one of those pieces.
The realization that Khushi really did not trust him or want him in her life had managed to kill any hope he had of a chance at happiness. He had lost even before he took the shot and so he had walked away from her. Hearing her warn Payal against actually getting close to Arnav made a lot of things make sense.
Of course Khushi had never trusted Arnav herself. She was compassionate, but that was probably because she couldn't help it, the nice soul she was. But if she trusted him, she would have told him about her past, or at least about the threat to Payal's life which was her biggest worry.
Her outburst that night when he brought her to the farmhouse was uncharacteristic of her to the extent that she was so emotionally distressed she had actually voiced out her feelings instead of keeping them closed up within her as always, but it had finally brought her deep mistrust towards him to the surface. And she had every reason to feel that mistrust, given their history. She was nice and polite to him, as she was to everyone, and Arnav had probably misconstrued her politeness and natural sweetness to be symbolic of a deeper emotion that didn't actually exist.
How hungry was he for love and genuine care in life that even the few crumbs he had got from her had been enough to make him start believing!
But now he understood.
Arnav didn't blame her at all - she was already nicer to him and had done more from him than he ever deserved - but now he did understand her wishes and wanted to respect them. And so, he had left Khushi and Payal alone.
Not physically, of course. He couldn't bring himself to physically leave the city or the farmhouse, yet. To his best knowledge, Tony did not know that Arnav had taken Khushi away before Sunday. Aman had said he wouldn't inform him or ask for a refund. But Tony or his men could still find out anyway through other sources or other people at the hotel, and from all accounts, all kinds of shady people were involved in the mess. That's why he didn't want to keep Khushi or Payal in Mumbai and had brought them here. He just couldn't take the chance, small as it was, that something would go wrong and someone would try to harm them. Plus, there could be dangers Arnav was simply not anticipating or did not even know about - like the way that goon Sultan's men had attacked him on Tuesday. There was no reason to, but still, if they were going to come after him again, he wanted it to be after he had made sure Khushi and Payal were safe.
Anyway, that was the logic he had on Wednesday, in the immediate aftermath of everything that happened and that's why he brought them here. He just didn't know what he didn't know and he didn't want to test his awful luck any more. Now, three days had passed and everything was thankfully silent.
Tomorrow morning, he would call Tony and tell him he had taken Katrina amicably from Aman first thing in the morning, and hopefully all would be well. He would also talk to Khushi and ask her if she had decided her plans and then make the best arrangements he could to resettle Khushi and Payal. If she was undecided, she could stay here for as long as she wanted - forever, actually, if she wanted - and she could tell him whenever she needed help. Then, he could go back to Mumbai and give her the space and the freedom she truly wanted. But for tonight - for one more night - he would stay in the farmhouse, sneaking in late at night as he had for the last two nights but keeping an eye on Khushi and Payal at all times himself as well as through his men.
That's all he wanted now. He wanted Khushi to be happy and safe. He wanted to help her fulfill every dream she ever had. He wanted her to smile freely. Even if he wasn't around to see it, that much would be enough for him. Because he loved her far too much to want anything else, he smiled a little as he admitted to himself.
The most potent power in the world - the one that made a difference, the one that the world actually ran on - lay not in togetherness, but in unrequited love. In longing, not in contentment. He could live with that. Millions did.
The only problem was, it hurt too much.
********
Arnav was sitting on the bonnet of his car for the last two hours, watching the faraway city lights glimmer in the night from atop the hill and trying to get used to the loneliness in his life enough that he wouldn't notice it. He was close to the farmhouse but didn't want to go in till later to avoid running into Khushi or Payal.
Suddenly, his phone rang. He frowned when he realized the number belonged to the cellphone he had given Khushi two days back.
"Khushi" he said as he answered.
"Arnav ji...aapp...where are you?" the worry and slight urgency in her voice made Arnav sit up immediately. Was everything ok?
"I am...Khushi, is everything ok? Are you fine? Is someone there?"
"Arnav ji please come home please..."she said, and then suddenly the phone got disconnected. Arnav was now panicking with worry. Was Khushi in danger? She had never called him before, which means, this had to be an emergency right...what if someone was there, attacking Khushi? Had Tony found them?
Running in frenzy Arnav rushed back into the car, simultaneously calling the bodyguards he had placed outside the farm. If someone was there, they should have called by now. Unless they were dead already...
He was already accelerating onto the road when his man answered the phone.
"What happened?"
"What...nothing happened sir"
"Where are you?"
"Outside the farmhouse. No activity here."
"Khushi?"
"She is inside with the other girl"
"Are you sure? She just called me...something is wrong...go check, I will be there soon."
The bodyguard was still in the house, double-checking every room when Arnav rushed in.
Khushi was standing in the living room and at the first glance of her, Arnav ran to her and embraced her.
"Khushi...you ok? Are you hurt? What happened?" he blabbered, parting just a bit to allow himself to see her.
"There's no one here sir. Everything's clear." the bodyguard stepped in and told Arnav upon seeing him. Arnav looked at Khushi who was still in his arms and was standing calmly, without protest or panic and released the breath he didn't realize he was holding.
"Ok. You can go." he addressed the bodyguard while stepping away from Khushi a couple of steps.
"You're ok?" he asked and she nodded. "Why did you call? I thought..."Arnav said, his voice finally getting its composure back as his heart beat began to return to normal.
"I am sorry. But I couldn't think of any other way to get you home. You have been avoiding me for the last two days and I needed to talk" she stated honestly. Seeing Arnav run in so troubled had made her feel a little guilty, but what else was she supposed to do?
He had left her no choice. He had left abruptly on Thursday and from the look on his face she was worried she had overheard some part of her conversation with Payal and had possibly misunderstood. She hadn't even got a chance until then to apologize for the vile things she'd send the night he brought her here, but after this, her guilt multiplied manifold. She had to talk to him, she had to apologize. But Arnav had left immediately. Even though she walked out after him, he was already in his car by the time she got to the living room. She didn't even realize when he came back that night, but it had to be after 2 am. The next morning she woke up to the sound of his car leaving and didn't see him again on Friday night. This morning, at least she had caught him for a minute before he left, but he'd offered nothing more than a curt "I am going to office" explanation. He had sent her a bunch of papers to sign on Friday through Madhav Singh and his explanatory note telling her that it was paperwork so he could arrange for all documentation she might need - Pan card, license, passport etc. - in the future was actually the longest sentence she had gotten out of him in 48 hours and tonight by midnight, she was desperate.
The notion of Arnav possibly being angry at her was burning her up with an indescribable restlessness and ultimately she had resorted to making the call that hinted of an emergency and sure enough he was here in less than ten minutes. All the guilt she felt for manipulating him was less than the continued pain of silence and distance between them.
Arnav put his hands in the pockets of his trousers and stepped back, looking Khushi as she continued to talk.
"I need to talk to you."
"We could have talked tomorrow."
"You've been avoiding me for the last two days. I didn't know if I'd get a chance even tomorrow and I couldn't wait. Arnavji, are you angry at me?"
Arnav was taken aback for a second at the innocence of her voice as she asked the question.
"I am not. I have just been busy with work. What's so urgent? If you needed something, you could have told Seeta or Madhav Singh."
"I don't need anything. I...Arnav ji...I wanted to say...the other day...I know you heard what I was trying to explain to Payal and you're angry at me because of it." Khushi finally voiced out, collecting her courage.
"What day? What conversation? I don't know what you're talking about and I am not angry, Khushi. I have just been busy with work." Arnav answered curtly, turning away so he didn't have to look at her. He didn't want to make this an issue. He didn't want to see guilt or pity in her eyes.
"Arnav ji Payal is still a child...she doesn't understand...I am sorry"
"I said there is nothing to be sorry about, Khushi. Forget it. Anything you said..."his voice broke "...you are free to say whatever you want Khushi. Whatever you honestly feel and believe. You're free to do whatever you want to be happy. Now, if you will excuse me...I am sure you want to rest and I have some work to do. I should give you your space."
Arnav started walking towards his room, not trusting himself to turn and look at Khushi. He knew she was worried and was possibly trying to smoothen things. He had been a touch rude, but he just couldn't find the strength to keep looking at her calmly and not take her in his arms. The few minutes for which she was in his embrace not long ago had rekindled the pain inside him to an unbearable intensity. He wanted to be civil but he did not want to be swept away under the pull of his emotions that kept drawing him to her. She would soon walk away from his life - possibly tomorrow, possibly in a few more days. It was going to be hard enough to bear that with the small distance that had come between them. He wanted to walk away - and let her walk away - while he still could without breaking down in his pain because he knew if she sensed his pain, her sympathy for him would come in the way of her path to happiness and he did not want that in any circumstance.
He had just placed the first step inside his room when she jerked his arm, forcing him to turn. She had followed him and the second he saw her looking at him with moist eyes, Arnav's resolve to keep calm started crumbling.
"I don't want space. I want to talk to you." she softly said, looking straight into his eyes. Helpless under the hypnotic stare, Arnav held her hand and pulled her in, made her sit on the bed and sat beside her. The tears falling out of her eyes were hurting him tremendously.
"I am so sorry Arnav ji. I know I hurt you. I don't know what all I said...I was really really scared...I just did not what to think." She hiccuped as she spoke while Arnav's hand involuntarily wiped her tears of her cheek.
"It's okay, Khushi."
"I...that place where you brought me from...it was..."
"Shhh...it's okay. You did not hurt me. I understand. It's over now."
Arnav tried to console her, taking her hands in his.
"Khushi, look at me. It's over. All of that...I know it was horrible. Everything that happened to you...Tony, Aman...what I did..."he gulped "I am really really sorry. But I can assure you it's over now and you'd never have to face it again. You don't have to be scared any more, I promise. I will make sure you're safe..."
Khushi broke down in tears but she nodded to Arnav's words. She believed him when he said it was over and that he'd keep her safe. The last two days had given her frayed nerves enough time to cool down and she had finally begun to fully acknowledge the warmth of the protective cocoon Arnav had given her without her even asking. After months - years, even, in some way - she felt safe, like she didn't have to constantly look over her shoulder and worry for the next moment, and she only had Arnav to thank for it.
"Thank you Arnav ji. For everything you did. For me and Payal. You didn't have to..."
"I had to. I gave you enough pain by myself anyway. I was so engrossed in my own..." he said, standing up and walking a couple of steps away "and anyway, you shouldn't have been in that place anyway. I am sorry I couldn't stop it from happening. I tried but..."
He turned to face Khushi, who was still sitting on the bed but was no longer crying. The pull of her innocent hazel eyes was so hard to resist.
"You may not believe me, but...if you can...I really did not want to let you go back to Tony. I had even forgotten that I had first brought you for three months until Tony called. But once I knew you, I could never let you go back to that hell because I was convinced you didn't belong there. Tony agreed to but then..."he fisted in palms remembering the horrible choice Sheetal had left him with. Khushi looked at the angry struggle on his face that confirmed what she already knew. She knew he didn't really want to let her go in the first place. She had sensed his pain and struggle. That was why she had decided to leave without saying goodbye; she didn't want to exacerbate his guilt.
"...I trust you." she said, and Arnav looked at her in slight disbelief. She continued "I believe it was out of your hands. I don't blame you. You owed me nothing."
"It was still wrong. And I tried, I really did. And I finally did manage to find a way, but by the time I got home to fix everything, you'd already left with Tony."
Khushi looked away from Arnav, afraid of seeing anger and disappointment in his eyes. At the time, her decision had felt right to her. But from the pain in Arnav's voice, she could imagine what he'd have felt when he would have come home to fix things like he just said and found her gone. This man...how did a man like this come in her wretched life? What did she do to deserve someone do so much good for her?
"I am sorry" she muttered, still unable to look at him. What explanation could she give right now that would sound right?
After a couple of minutes of silence, she heard Arnav sigh. He sat down next to her, but not too close. His arms rested on his thighs and he looked at the floor as he said.
"Forget it. It's all done. You're safe. That chapter is over."
Arnav was trying hard to restrain himself from taking Khushi in his arms and just cry all night until the tears dissolved away at least some of the baggage they were both carrying. The weight in his chest felt too heavy right now for him to be able to deal with it.
"I do trust you." she spoke after a few seconds, her voice soft. He turned his neck sideways to look at her, though her eyes were distant. "Payal is a child. She is too naive. She was raised in a very protected manner, mostly by me. She has a temper and she trusts people too quickly. In the past..."she paused as she thought of Shyam. Payal was naive, and so was she. Neither of them could afford to repeat those mistakes though. "That day...I was just trying to point out to her that she still had a lot to learn about the real world. I wasn't...I didn't mean to..."
"You don't need to explain."
"What you did for me, for us...I don't know how to ever repay you."
Stay with me. Love me. Marry me. His heart leaped, but he didn't say those words.
"I would...we would forever be in your debt" Khushi continued.
Arnav shook his head. "There is no debt, nothing you need to be grateful for. What I did, I should have done long ago. If you'd told me about Payal before, I'd have got him to you much sooner. Besides, I gave you too much pain myself that I'd never be able to apologize for enough. I would do anything - whatever it takes - to make sure you're happy, safe and free for the rest of your life, wherever you are."
Khushi looked at Arnav in astonishment, the sincere determination in his voice tugging at her heart with an emotion she had crushed long ago.
"Why?" she asked. He turned his face to her till their eyes met again.
"Why do you care?" she repeated, her voice soft but heavy.
Because I love you.
"Because someone has to." He answered, repeating the words she had once said to him.
"Arnav ji" Khushi's quivering voice broke the silence, though not the eye-lock.
"Khushi...can we..."
Can we kiss?
"Can we put our past behind us? Can we be friends?"
Na jaa kahin ab na jaa
Dil ke siwaa
Hai yehi dil koocha tera
Ae mere humdum mere dost
Na jaaa...
kahin ab na ja
Dil ke siwaa
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