Part 3
RK
It is 1 am and I am standing at the door of my house. But I do not want to ring the doorbell. I do not want to go in because I know the moment I do I will have to face Madhu. I will have to tell her why I haven't picked up any of her calls in the last five hours. I would have to tell her what happened today. It's a huge loss and it is entirely my fault. When she asks, I would have to see my defeat reflected in the worry in her eyes.
I am not saying she's wrong in any way, but tonight, just for tonight, I want to not talk about anything. Tonight, just for tonight, I want to not have to worry about her concern for me and about being strong in front of her so she doesn't get more worried. Tonight, just for tonight, I wish I was still single and could simply sneak into my bed in a dark lonely room and let sleep drown out the fatigue and the terrible pain of losing.
But none of that's going to happen, I know. You can't wish your partner away even when you want to just curl up in a bed to wallow in solitude. That's the point of having a partner, of marriage.
So I ring the doorbell. Madhu jumps in my arms the moment she opens the door.
"Are you ok?" she hastily asks, her eyes all over my body looking for signs of a physical injury. God, she looks scared.
"I am ok." I tell her as I walk in. "Sorry I didn't call."
Her eyes rest on my eyes in silence for a minute, then she says. "It's okay." and hugs me tight. Her hands rub over my back and I accept the silent comfort. She understands, she does.
"Hungry?" she softly questions as I come out of the bathroom after changing. Dinner and two plates laid out on the dining table had caught my eye earlier, but I have no appetite and I shake my head. She doesn't protest, just nods.
I slump into a dreamless sleep.
Madhu
Things have gone from bad to ugly.
"Madhu!" the toast falls as my hand shakes at Rishabh's loud voice. I turn off the gas and run as fast as I can to the bedroom where RK is frantically looking for something. It's been 6 days since the deal was lost and RK's mood has been terrible ever since. I know his anger is his way of dealing with his sadness and stress, but he's so angry all the time now and it's scaring me. He doesn't even talk to me - I don't know exactly what went wrong and I don't know what he is feeling. I can only guess, but my guessing is not very good and I don't know what I can do to help him or make him feel better.
"Where the hell did you keep my file?" he bellows.
"Which...which one?"
"The blue one. Obviously." He yells. I have no idea what he's talking about, but then my eyes go to the side-table next to the recliner where he was working last night. I pick up the file and give it to him. He takes without saying anything when my cell phone starts ringing. I go to pick it up but by the time I disconnect the call without answering, he's already left the house. Without breakfast, again.
"Rishu, please talk to me. I know you are upset..." I try to talk to him, another two days later. He is not angry but still lost.
"I am okay Madhu."
"You're not Rishu. Please look at me. You can talk to me. Please don't keep everything inside you. I am with you, Rishabh."
"Madhu...please...there is nothing to talk about. I am just thinking about what to do to fix this situation we are in. If I hadn't put that term..."he says after a bit.
"Rishu please don't blame yourself. I am sure you will figure this out."I hold his hand and try to convince him but he just gets up and leaves.
RK
Damn! I curse myself as I sit in the car parked outside the house. I just yelled at Madhu again for no reason.
Last night she was trying to talk to me and I was rude to her. I don't know what's going on in my head these days. But it's just that she looked at me with so much confidence in her eyes saying she believed I could fix it and I snapped because I don't know how to fix his. The deal fell through, I had to fire 20 people in the last one week and we will still have a 12 crore loss. The next project is in jeopardy and our stock price is down. I can't fix all that and I don't want to burden Madhu with all these worries too. I know she's trying to be supportive. I just...
Plus last night, when she urged me to share, I just got mad because she is the one who never shares anything with me. Damn! We have been married almost two years and she has never even said the words I love you. I just felt so annoyed in the moment. Of course I regretted it later, but by then she had already fallen asleep. It's been a week since I held her in my arms while sleeping, even though we sleep on the same bed.
I feel so...lost...without her.
Maybe I should talk to her. I have her hurt so much, I should at least apologize, I think as I remember the incidents from five minutes before, this morning. Her cell phone was ringing constantly and she was in the kitchen. It was her mother. I called her, but by the time she came the phone had stopped.
"Why don't you keep your phone with you? It's so loud and annoying"
"Sorry RK. I will put it on silent." she grabbed when it rang again. She again disconnected.
"Why don't you talk to your mother? She has been calling both of us for days."
"I..." she wanted to say something when the phone rang again. I pointed her to pick it up and walked out.
She came out a couple of minutes later as I was having my coffee.
"Why aren't you eating?" she asked.
"You know I don't eat poha for breakfast. Can't you do anything right?" were the words I said but really what I was saying was that I can't do anything right these days. I was the one who had asked her to make poha more often and I instantly knew I had hurt her with my words as I saw tears glistening in her eyes. She silently controlled herself and offered to make me something else.
"Sorry" I apologized. "I shouldn't have said that. My mind is...what did Mom want?"
"Payal...Payal is pregnant. She has come home and Mom wanted to ask if I..."
I stood up and gave her a slight hug.
"Congrats. I think you should go home Madhu for some days. Be with Mom and Payal. You'd feel better. Anyway you are not needed here."
"You don't need me Rishabh..."her words shook me. That wasn't what I meant. I just wanted her to be away for a bit till I could fix things here. I know I haven't been good to her and all my anger is coming out on her. But then I saw the tears on her face and remembered what she'd told me once before about going away from me.
Damn RK! Why did you have to be so rude? And why couldn't you stay and make it better instead of walking out like a monster? I admonish myself and get out of the car to go back in.
I have to get back into control. This has gone on too long. I love her, dammit. How can I do this to her? I promise myself to be better as I walk back in the house and see her still standing in the kitchen where I left her five minutes ago, tears flowing freely off her eyes.
"Madhu, I am such a jerk. I am really really sorry." I tell her as I envelope her into an embrace. "I didn't mean that. I have been such an ass lately. I keep shouting for no reason. I am sorry. Please forgive me."
Madhu
"Come na Rishu" I drag him along inside the cafe. It's the same place where we met for the first time, before marriage. I am hoping the memories will cheer RK up, just like I have been trying to do all day, dragging RK around from place to place hoping his mood will change and he will relax.
It's been three weeks since that stupid deal blew away and his mood is still off. He's not shouting at everyone anymore, thank God, but he is still not my same Rishabh. I can take your hurtful words better than your sulking silences, Rishu. Yell at me, but at least talk to me.
His silence both worries me and scares me. I know he is just trying to protect myself from tension by keeping his work stress away. I know he has to work extra hard for some time to make up for the loss. But I feel so helpless seeing him like this. He seems so unhappy, serious and detached. I want my loving, playful husband back. I have this sinking feeling that he's drifting away from me and it is scaring the hell out of me.
Oh Rishabh, please let me in!
I try telling him funny stories, even mimick the fat neighbor uncle and keep up with all the antics that always made him laugh, but he isn't smiling.
"Stop the antics Madhu. I am tired and my head is hurting."
"Then drink your coffee and have an aspirin, my hero. We have to have fun today." I smile cutely at him and pinch his cheeks like I always do, but he's irritable today.
"Oh come on. Let's go home now. You made me watch that stupid movie and then dragged through three hours of shopping after lunch. I have had enough fun for one Sunday."
"Nooo. We don't go out any more. Please please please please pretty please." A faint smile appears on his face and I keep up the act. I am trying to make today special for you, Rishabh.
"Ok, let's just sit here and talk for a while. Then you'd be re-energized. Do you remember this cafe?"
"Yeah, I do."
"Do you remember how you took my hand into yours for the first time." I huskily say, holding his hands.
"Yeah Madhu. I know baba." He smiles a bit and pulls his hand away to sip his coffee.
"Hmph. How unromantic. A girl is giving you her hand and you are busy with your black coffee." I fake-pout.
I try for another half hour but nothing seems to be really working. I want to really talk to him - there is so much I want to tell him and hear from him - but for that we need to be conversationally engaged in at least some banter. Every now and then, he slips off into a zone of his own and now I am really scared. Am I losing my Rishabh?
"Let's go." He says as the waiter takes the bill.
"From here yes, but not home. Let's go to Chowpatty."
"Madhu..."
"Please. And I need to pick up my blouse for tomorrow's wedding from that shop in Juhu also. That's urgent! Pleaaseee, let's go to the beach and we can sit and talk there. Then if you really feel like pampering your wife, you can take me to dinner, I won't refuse?" I offer as we both get ready to leave.
"Madhu, please. I know you're trying to change my mood but I am fine. I just need some space and time. I really don't want to go to Chowpatty today. If you need to go to Juhu, please go yourself. I am going home."
"Ok ok. Let's not go if you don't want to. But can we just talk for some time please. I want to tell you something. And even you should...you are obviously..."
"Obviously, what?" He suddenly screams, standing up, then notices people staring so begins to walk out. I follow quickly behind him.
"Look Madhu, I am sorry. I didn't want to yell. My head is really hurting."
"It's okay RK. Let's go home."
"No. You go pick up your blouse. You need it. I'll take a cab back and I see you at home." He says without looking at me and I feel as if my heart is breaking. Suddenly, I am afraid that if he goes home without me, something between us will be lost forever.
I hold his hand to stop him. "No Rishu. I will come with you. Let's go home. We can talk at home also. I want..."
"Talk...what do you want to talk about?" He suddenly turns and starts yelling at me. We are at the pavement outside the cafe and it's quite crowded. "The only thing I have on my mind is office problems which I can't talk to you about. You have been constantly blabbering since the morning and I have been listening to you. Now I have a headache. How much more talking do you want to do? I just need some silence and peace, not more of your meaningless words. I don't know what you want of me, Madhu. So tell me. Tell me what do you need me to do. You want to tell me I am a bad boss, a terrible negotiator and a shitty husband? Guess what, I already know that."
"No Rishabh..."I mutter, but my words have struck in my throat.
He closes his eyes and holds his forehead "Madhu, I don't want to fight. But you are being too pushy. I just want to go home right now. I will cool down in ten minutes. I will take a cab, ok?" He says and turns to walk and I feel as if the ground is shaking beneath me. I run and hold his hand.
"Rishu don't go without me. Don't leave me here. I am sorry. I am really really sorry. I didn't want to hurt you. I am a bad wife but I love you so much, Rishabh. I wont't do it again. I love you.."
But he walks anyway.
He says "It doesn't matter Madhu. I will see you at home." and pulls away his hand and gestures to the cab on the opposite end of the road to stop.
He is walking away from me.
I am losing him. I am losing my Rishabh.
RK
I take ten steps towards the cab when it hits me. Did I just yell on Madhu in the middle on the road? What the hell is wrong with me?
And did she just say...did she just say...she loved me. Did she just say those words?
I pause automatically and turn behind to look at her. She's looking at me and crying, and my heart suddenly leaps.
f**k! I am the world's biggest jerk. I have been unintentionally pushing her away all this time thinking I was protecting her from my worries, but that's not true. Did I just leave my wife in the middle of the road saying I need peace away from her?
The rejection on her face and the huge tears in her eyes are like a slap to me and it seems I have finally snapped out of the haze that had been around in my mind for the last three weeks. I love her more than anything in the world, and yet, not only am I giving her these huge tears, I am not even wiping them away. I close my eyes as the pain of hurting my Madhu hits me really hard. I am such an idiot. I resolve to apologize to her and truly make it upto her, when I hear her scream.
"Rishabhhh!!!!!" she yells at the top of her voice, her arm flailing me to move away from the middle of the road. I see her walk towards me, but there is a lot of crowd on the pavement where she's standing. I freeze as I realize she's asking me to move away and avoid hitting the speeding car that's only a few feet away from me.
Suddenly, everything freezes. The car hits a screeching break, my limbs refuse to move in momentary shock. And I see my Madhu, ten feet away, collapse on the ground.
Madhu
I can't tell if this is a dream or reality. I just know that he is walking away from me - my love, my best friend - and I am losing him forever. All I see is the speeding truck approaching him that's going to kill him.
Somebody.Please.Save.Him.
I did this! I did this! It's all my fault! That is why he is dead!
It was me and my love. Me and my stupid love that I proclaimed to him every day. I threw around "I love you" ten times a day and he'd just smile, thinking it was just the best friends' "I love you" we had said to each other for the last five years. But it wasn't. At some point, I had started to fall in actual love with him, but he never took me seriously. He dismissed my antics as he always had. Me and my stupid love, however, just didn't budge. I was sure he'd love me too, and my stupid love turned into jealousy when he actually fell in love with Trishna. My Karan, my best friend of five years all through high school and college, and that Trishna would just show up one day and take him away? I couldn't let it happen.
And so I barged into the coffee shop, where Sheetal told me Karan had taken Trishna for their date.
"How could you Karan?" I screamed as I get to their table. "How could you come and date this...this...Trishna? How can you abandon me like that?"
"Madhu what is wrong with you? Listen I have explained this to you. Trishna is my girlfriend. You were just my friend."
"But I love you Karan. And you love me too." I was stubborn.
"You two should sort this out." Trishna said and stood up.
"Good." I sat down, but Karan stopped Trishna. "No Trishna, this is a misunderstanding. There is nothing between me and Madhu."
"How can you say there is nothing? Five years Karan. And suddenly you don't care for me."
"Madhu, grow up. This is real world, not your fantasy." He screamed.
"My car is parked the other side of the road. I will wait there." Trishna said and left.
"What the hell is the matter with you Madhu? We were friends, just friends. Just because we enjoyed playing pranks together and I tolerate your crazy antics and blabbering, doesn't mean I am in love with you. And after today we cannot be friends wither." Karan says and walks out of the cafe, following Trishna.
I run behind him and hold his hand. I am crying, desperately. "But Karan, you can't leave me. I am sorry, I shouldn't have screamed like this...Please I am sorry...I love you Karan."
"I love you I love you I love you. You throw around those words all the time. Your words mean nothing, Madhu. You've become emotionally dependent and clingy and selfish. Your so-called love is stupid unworthy and does not matter. Ok? Now leave me alone." He shouts for the final time.
I stand there, on the footpath outside the cafe, stunned. I watch him walk out of my life. Forever.
And then it happens. He is on the divider between the two roads. He waves his hand and I see Trishna behind him. He is walking towards her. The next instant, a truck runs over him. I try to scream but the voice doesn't come out. He died on the spot.
He's dead.
He's dying.
He's leaving me.
Rishabhhh!
RK
Her breathing is shallow and I panic when I hear her stir my name. It's been two full hours and Madhu is still unconscious. And now it looks like she's having a nightmare.
"Nurse!" I call out. Why aren't these people doing anything?
My heart stopped when I saw Madhu collapse on the pavement two hours earlier. It all happened too fast. The car driver who was supposed to hit me braked real hard and eventually stopped inches from me. Immediately there was a crowd of people around me and even the driver was yelling, but all I wanted to do was run back to the other side where I could no longer see Madhu. There was a crowd around her too where she had fallen. I tried to wake her up, but when she didn't, I brought her here to the hospital. Now it's been 1.5 hours and these people have still not managed to wake her up. They took some samples and attached a BP monitor and IV fluids to her but now they are not even monitoring her any more. How can they just wait?
"Madhu. Madhu. I am here, your fine. I am fine. Wake up" I hug her as I see her trapped in what looks like a nightmare. Oh Madhu!
The BP monitor is making a noise and I look up, those numbers are rising quickly. Suddenly, my hand feels wet and I turn towards Madhu's waist.
Blood! There's blood on the bed! But she wasn't hurt anywhere - I checked, the doctor checked!
"Nurse! Doctor" I scream at the top of my voice. What is happening to you Madhu? I am sorry Madhu. I am so sorry. Please wake up. I am all right. I will never fight with you again. I love you.
Madhu
"Why don't you ever understand, dammit?"
"What the hell is the matter with you Madhu?"
"Madhu, grow up."
"...you are being too pushy"
"Your words mean nothing, Madhu"
"It doesn't matter, Madhu"
"I just need some silence and peace, not more of your meaningless words."
Rishabh. I am losing him. I love him so much. He's still leaving. Why is my love so unworthy?
RK
Miscarriage?
What? I am stunned as the nurse tells me Madhu just had a miscarriage. Madhu was pregnant. We...we were...
"Mr Raizada, why didn't you tell us your wife was pregnant when you brought her? We could have..."the doctor is asking. I didn't know. Did Madhu know? Is that what she wanted to talk about? Why didn't she just say it?
But...but I didn't give her enough attention. I was distracted and my mood...
Dammit! I yelled at her!
Tears cloud my eyes as I realize what I have done. I was so preoccupied by a stupid business loss, I haven't paid any attention to the most important thing in my life - my love, my Madhu. And now, our child.
Our child.
We lost our child because of me? Because I left her standing there alone, crying, on a footpath at a time when I should have been making her happy.
"Rishu don't go without me. Don't leave me here. I am sorry. I am really really sorry. I didn't want to hurt you. I am a bad wife but I love you so much, Rishabh. I wont't do it again. I love you.."
She loves me. She loved me. I'd always known that, but today when she actually said it I walked away from her.
"Madhu I am so so so sorry." I hold her hand as a dam of tears breaks. What have I done?
Madhu
"Rishabh" It's hard to speak. Everything feels blurry as I open my eyes. Where am I?
"Rishabh" I mutter and I see him. He is here. He is here. He is alive. My hands touch his face as I realize this is a hospital
"Rishu you...the car..."
"I am here Madhu. I am here." he kisses my hand. "Nothing happened at me. I am sorry Madhu. I am so sorry. I fought with you. I said mean things. I didn't mean any of it. I..."he is crying.
"Rishabh...it's ok." Nothing matters to me right now. My Rishabh is here. Everything will be ok now.
"No Madhu...I...I am the worst husband. I have been so bad to you. I was so angry over something so stupid. Please forgive me, please."
"Rishabh...you are not the worst. I hurt you and pushed you..."
"No you didn't. It's my fault"
"You are with me right." I try to reassure myself. Rishabh didn't die like Karan. Rishabh didn't leave me alone.
"Yes, and I will never leave you again. I will never walk away. I promise. I am sorry" he struggles and holds both my hands tightly
"...Madhu I...you...we..."
"Rishabh, stop crying. Nothing happened."
"Madhu...we lost our baby. You had a miscarriage." He speaks and I suddenly feel my limbs go numb. I pull my hands away and instinctively my eyes and one hand goes towards my stomach.
I had only found out two days ago I was pregnant. I couldn't even tell Rishabh.
Rishabh! I look up. He looks guilty.
"I am so so sorry Madhu. This is my fault. I...I should have..."
"Shhh..." I place my fingers on his lips. I cannot see my Rishabh cry like this, even though my own tears start falling.
"Rishabh...it's not your fault. Rishabh..."
"Madhu our baby..."I fall silent, then hold his hands again as I swallow my tears away. I cannot let my grief for the baby overtake me. Not right now. We need to be there for each other.
"We will have more children, Rishabh. As long as we are together, if God wants, we will get the chance to be parents again. This child...maybe it was our destiny. But as long as you are with me, it will be fine. You won't leave me, would you?"
"Never Madhu. Not for a second."
"Then I don't want anything else from life. I only want you Rishabh. Don't push me away, please."
"I won't"
"I will be a better wife, I promise."
"Madhu, please don't..."
"No Rishabh. In my own insecurities and fears, I did push you too much. I thought I'd lose you and I couldn't understand what to do to make you love me again." I hug him and he holds me tight.
"I love you Madhu. I always have and always will. And I am not going to let any other stresses of the world and any insecurities of either of us come between us again. I love you very much." he promises and wipes away my tears. He places a kiss on my forehead and I feel the darkness inside me melting away.
I suddenly feel lucky, irrespective of the terrible events of today. I have got a second chance to live. I have true love. I have my Rishabh. I have a future.
I cannot lose Rishabh again. Definitely not to fear.
It's time for me to let go my fears of the past. It is time to let Rishabh's trust win over my fears otherwise I will really lose him and my marriage.
I look into his eyes and wipe his tears. It's time for me to make a promise.
I kiss him on the cheek and hold his hands as I say the three words that had paralyzed me for so long.
"I love you, Rishabh. I love you."
THE END
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