You're Not Alone...Someone's Out There

"One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside."
John Lennon

So I'm trying to find words to begin this. I often enough always find them. but I've no idea how to fathom all the sea of emotions I feel now and pen down them in precise sharp words. I'm incapable of doing that.

I mean this is insane. You shouldn't be this crazy about a fictional character. My only problem is that long ago I stopped thinking him fictional and added the dimension of life to him.

I don't know how he does it but he cuts me so thoroughly with his pain that I'm all crimson tears and aching sweetness right now.

So even as I try to speak it'll turn out to be one emotional mess here. Forgive me for all of that and my insane insensible blabbering.

Lonely.

Since the beginning of the show, every single time, that's how I've seen him and described him again and again. Alone. So freaking alone that it hurts.

The amount of times he's fallen and his knees have bled.

The amount of times he's cried and all the tears he has shed.

The amount of times he's been physically hurt and unmended.

The amount of times he's screamed and have been unheard.

The amount of times he's bled and needed and wanted.

The amount of times he's asked, begged and have been forgotten.

The amount of times all he ever needed was a hug, a smile, a bandage, a loving hand.

The amount of times he's gotten nothing but a room full of darkness and the funeral of his dreams.

And all of those times.

A little piece of him, felt, nothing, nothing, but a little bit more lonely.

And then he found them. broken pieces of a puzzle like him, wandering so lost, and something about them just gave him a reason to not hurt anymore.

They need not feel what he'd felt.

They need not be wounded and be unseen to.

They need not be closed behind doors and cry.

He was going to protect them. they'd for the first time in his life given him something.

Acceptance. Warmth. Friendship. Not so lonely anymore.

And just for that, just for that, he'd give them his whole life. He'll be their everything.

He'd be their shield.

Never lonely again.

Did you find it hard to breathe?
Did you cry so much that you could barely see?
In the darkness all alone
And no one cares, there's no one there

Dhruv - Manik. "Mera bhai hai woh. Bhai se bhi barker hai mere liye."

Sometimes when we put their relationship under a scanner we see the wrongs in it, we see the impurities, we see Manik's wrongs and we see Dhruv's wrongs. We see Manik's mistakes and we see the burdens beneath which this relationship is crippling, crumbling.

And all the errors.

But he doesn't see all those.

He never did.

All he ever saw was companionship.

All he remember is one cold, dreadful night.

One night where he wasn't lonely for the first time.

A night where there was someone who gave up his soul to save Manik's life.

One night where he wasn't left like all those times to hurt.

A night someone did something, for him.

Sometimes when we haven't eaten in days, we latch onto the first morsel of food, the first piece of it, the first inkling of a smell and its scent. We latch onto it like hungry, deprived animals, we latch onto it without morals or care or grace. We latch onto it like desperate cannibals.

But we also latch onto it with a plundering thunderstorm of gratitude.

And we cherish it, and worship it, we make it our whole world, it becomes everything.

And we cling to it with our life.

But he wasn't deprived for days.

It was years and years, thousands of days, hundreds of weeks and for the first time in his life, he didn't feel lonely for a minute, he felt humane, and felt taken.

Somebody was there.

He wasn't all alone.

Dhruv.

His buddy.

The boy he'd give his life for.

And that was all Manik needed to live.

Did you break but never mend?
Did it hurt so much you thought it was the end?
Lose your heart but don't know when
And no one cares, there's no one there

He pushed that broken child inside him in a closet and locked it forever. That child was never to come out. That child was beyond repair. He transitioned from broken and seeking to leading and protecting. The new Manik Malhotra who just knew that in a world as cruel and mean as this, surviving was not easy.

The new Manik didn't need anyone.

He vowed.

To protect and love and keep these souls unblemished.

To always be there.

To give them what he never got.

Because they'd given him something.

Companionship.

He wasn't lonely.

That's all that mattered.

Nothing else. No flaws, no worldly morals, no equations, no considerations.

Nothing mattered but the fact they were there.

He made so many mistakes but didn't shatter.

He learned from his mistakes. He hurt and hurt and hurt some more so the wounds on his skin and soul would mark the boundaries he shan't cross. A map of scars that'll tell him where not to go, that'll be his ultimate teacher every time.

He could have given up his life and world for them.

All they had to do was ask.

Until she came.

And after she came.

And between all those moments when for the first time in his life he wanted more.

More than just be there and protect.

He wanted to be loved.

To be protected too.

To have and hold.

To love and behold.

To smile and cherish smiles.

He wanted to grow and find his broken wings and watch them heal.

He wanted to soar high.

He wanted to breathe.

And he knew they'll be there.

He knew Dhruv would be there. Smiling and cheering.

He won't be lonely. Never again.

And all of that, all of the pieces of himself and his life that he was trying to hold onto with both hands came crashing down and he couldn't hold onto even one as he watched them slip, one by one, away.

So helpless again.

It was Dhruv. Not Cabir, Not Mukti, Not Aliya. Dhruv.'

Today Manik wasn't even in the frame. He was that blurry shadow you saw unfocused in every shot as secret after secret was spilled forth, as agony and venom and frustration poured out. Every single frame where he was present and not present, where he was just a stranger standing helplessly at the back, blurred and of no importance, somebody almost like an inconvenience. Somebody who wasn't what he'd thought to be.

But that did not hurt the most.

It was the pure hatred.

It was the loneliness.

It was being inexistent in that moment.

And slowly, one by one, all of them slipped away.

But what hit the hardest was one dialogue today.

"I need to go After Mukti. You'll be fine right?"

And his answer was what it always was.

What didn't even need words.

The silence cried it out.

Yes.'

Insignificant.

Yes.'

Immortal.'

Yes.'

L O N E L Y.

He'll be fine because he's Manik Malhotra. He'll be fine because he's strong and invincible and the leader. He'll be fine because he'll always get his act together and be there for them. He'll be fine because he understands. He'll be fine because he's tough and tears do not come easily to him.

So he picked his pieces and began to walk and pull himself, let the hurt flow, and be who he'd always been.

So so alone.

Lonely.

And then there she was.

So strong in the face of his pain.

A steel wall in front of an army of ache.

His wall.

His star.

His protector.

And all he wanted to do was howl and cry and beat and scream.

But because he was Manik Malhotra he did none of those.

He said the words he'd always said and was expected to say so he can go in a corner and lick his wounds and pick up his broken pieces and stuff them in the same closet he'd thrown the boy in.

He said, "Leave me alone."

Alone.

Lonely.

That's how I've been.

That's who I am.

And maybe he could've been that, maybe he could've tried but for the first time in his life he didn't want to be just that. He wanted her.

He sought her.

He always sought her.

Sometimes with "don't go please," and sometimes with a break, sometimes with restlessness.

But today he said the three words he'd never said in his life.

Not for himself.

He'd vowed to never say them.

And the hitch in his voice, the terrible pain in his face, the incapability of being able to voice it and finally letting the words out unleashed a storm of agony that forced open that closet and all of it came screaming out.

"I...need you."

I'm not an immortal man. I hurt so much.

"I...need you."

I can't take this pain, please don't leave me alone.

"I...need you."

I'd die, it'll consume me, I can't breathe.

"I...need you."

Take it away, don't leave me. I fear being alone so so much that it hurts.

"I...need you."

I love you Nandini. You're all I have. Don't leave me.

"I...need you."

"I'm just human. No protector just a goddamned boy who's hurt and broken.

He said those three words for the first time in his life.

And a lifetime of pain broke through.

All of it.

But did you see the flares in the sky?
Were you blinded by the light?
Did you feel the smoke in your eyes?
Did you? Did you?

Remember the first episode? Where Manik and Aliya stare at the shooting star and Aliya tells him to make a wish?

Manik says: "I have everything I need."

Like today he let Cabir believe he'd be fine like always.

That night, he lied.

That night he was lonelier than ever.

That night he wanted so much more.

So in his heart he made a wish.

And he wished for the loneliness to go.

And the wish was fulfilled.

She came.

Did you see the sparks filled with hope? You are not alone
Cause someone's out there, sending out flares

"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too."
Ernest Hemingway, Men Without Women

P.S. THIS GOT TOO LONG AND STUPID AND UNLINKED.

AND MY FEELS.

SO FORGIVE ME.

I MEAN SO LONG.

I HURT AND ITS INCOHERENT WELL WELL WELL.

P.P.S WOW PARTH SAMTHAAN. This is one of your FINEST EVER! YOU BLEW ME AWAY! YOU COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY BLEW ME AWAY! And trust me when I say this because the complete improvement in his crying scene has left me astonished and wowed. Imma taareef him more tomorrow.

RIDA.