SaHil SS: As long as I live *new*Mar2015

"Aahil...?"

Softly, cajolingly ...

"Hmmm..."

Grumpy, slumberous laze of a tired mind.

"Aahil... wake up sweetheart... It's the morning already.."

"Let me sleep a little more Sanam, please..."

"Aahil..." she smoothes the hair off my forehead softly. Her cool fingers running in my hair calms my cranky mind. She tenderly caresses my temple, cheek down to my chin. A light squeeze at the tip of my nose, she kisses my forehead briefly. As she moved away, I reach out to grab her back as she giggled and evaded.

Empty space, cold pillow, no Sanam.

I open my eyes confusedly. Reality comes crashing down on my head. Stark reality descends upon my head like a dull ache.

I can't call for Sanam. Because she won't answer.

She is gone.

I can't see her again. Nor touch her or hold her.

I rub my head absently, my head groggy from the lack of sleep.

"Aahil... quickly get ready and come have breakfast okay?"

At least I can still hear her. In my head.

Mechanically I make for the bathroom and get cleaned up. I dress in my uniform and look for my necessary things.

Keys...

"By the dresser Aahil. Your wallet too. Your watch is in the cupboard with your sunglasses... You never change Aahil, still forgetful..." she laughs endearingly as I gather them. I smile at the things she finds endearing about me.

Her bangles , her earrings, along with her clothes, still hang in the closet. She still lives in this room for me. I am at peace here, where our memories are the strongest.

I open the bedroom door, and pause.

"I will be back home soon, Sanam..."

"Have a nice day sweetheart. I love you... Do be careful...? You know I worry..."

I smile in return and close the door. I run into Nazia, about to invite me to breakfast.

"Bhaijaan... Good morning! How'd you sleep?" She cheerfully links our arms and walks with me to the dining room. She chatters about her college activities and even her crush. Nazia tries hard to make me smile, and I oblige her always.

"Don't let any boys come near you alright? They'll have to get through me first!" I warn her forbiddingly. She rolls her eyes.

"Bhaijaan, no caveman tactics please! At this rate, I won't have any romance on my life. I really want what you and Sanam Bhabhi had..."

I am silenced. I stare at her, and she leans into my chest. I give her a bear hug, and she hugs me back.

"To love like that Bhaijaan, and to receive the same love returned, is a once in a lifetime feeling. It fills your life , your heart, your entire being. It changes you, makes you a better person. I want that too..."

"I'm sure you'll find it Nazia, and I'll make sure you'll get to keep him safely too..." I vow it fiercely, she hugs me empathically.

I look up and see Sanam there, watching us, smiling. She blinks and nods approvingly.

"Do you really need to go Bhaijaan?" Nazia pouts.

"I am going to be late... Look at the time... !" I reassure and smooth her worried frown.

We have our breakfast and I get up to see Abbu. He is busy in my former study, taking the reins of the company temporarily while I am away. He hangs up the phone at my presence, smiling.

"Son, are you leaving now? When will you be back?"

"When the job is done, I suppose. Will you be okay with the business, Abbu? Just ask Naushad to get you any papers you need...He is quite well versed, Rehan had been grooming him..." I leave that sentence hanging.

Before he died. Well, I could say while he was making arrangements to leave for Dubai. It would lessen the pain he felt at the loss.

Much tragedy has befallen this house. Before it was missing Abbu, and I was grappling with life. Now Abbu is back, I lost Ammi, Rehan and Sanam. Too much. The pitying looks the staff gave me every time I tried to do some work got to me after some time.

I hug Abbu and kiss his cheek. He holds on to me longer, unable to let go.

"Come back soon , son... I worry every time you go like this..."

"I have lost everything Abbu, I am not afraid of anything. If I am fated to go, I know my family is safe and well provided for. If I come back, I get to spend a little more time with all of you. But I can't just stay here, I need to learn to be a stronger version of me. If I stay here, I'll be swallowed in what I've lost Abbu..."

He hugs me tight, getting emotional. I reassure him and take my leave.

I grab my backpack and get to my bike. I roar it to life and fix up the helmet and aviators.

I'll be back soon Sanam.

I thunder onto the streets, and the friendly neighbourhood stop to wave as I pass.

With the hum of thunder and energy under me I make my way out of the city, weaving through traffic and many lives. Soon, out of the city, I relax and add the speed. The wind whipping around me is exhilarating, and the harsh heat of the sun hardly burning.

I learned to love the smell of rain, earthy and fragrant.

For you...

The feeling of raindrops splashing on my face. I'd feel it

For you...

I'd do everything you love, just to feel closer to you...

If you would talk and laugh with me in my dreams,

I would gladly sleep forever.

Your smile and touch haunts my thoughts ,

This restlessness I cannot escape,

Because Everything reminds me of you.

Memories are all I have,

What would I give for another glimpse of you...

I ride for hours on the highway until I reach the border to Punjab. I make this visit every time I leave home on a mission.

Must visit Badi Ammi.

Sanam would've wanted this.

As the sight of me riding through the small town creates a small welcoming party, I stop to say hello to the pleasant villagers. I am Dilshaad Bi's Damad here, a big donor of a lot of new amenities in town. News travelled fast, as I rode up to Badi Ammi's house, she was already waiting outside.

"Aahil...!" she greeted me warmly, engulfing me in her arms as soon as I disembark. Something in her eyes, the same deep soulful brown eyes, identical to Sanam. She makes a huge fuss over me as usual and I oblige her. It has been roughly 2 months since I last saw her, and we catch up.

"How are you, Son?"

A loaded question. I know what exactly she is asking, but I give her a smile and say all is well.

I am bundled inside for lunch, a hearty homemade lunch, of cooking that tastes so familiar.

Thank goodness no one can read my mind. They'd know how EVERYTHING reminds me of Sanam. And send me to the nearest Loony bin.

We had a relaxed evening talking. Haya and Rahat had visited the weekend before. Haya was in her third trimester of her pregnancy and wanted to see her grandmother. They lived in the army barracks where Rahat was stationed.

Seher has escaped Bhopal like the devil was chasing her after Sanam disappeared. She couldn't bear the loss and went back to stay with Badi Ammi, then went off to Dubai after a few months. She kept in touch with me once in a while, and she was working with the Indian embassy there. It was difficult for us to see each other.

She looked just like Sanam, and it breaks my heart, and it breaks her heart knowing how much I love Sanam. Hence, the distance.

Badi Ammi retired early and I potter around Sanam's old room, looking at her mementos. Her baby photos and books, keepsakes. I'm not sure when I fell asleep, and I wake early the next morning.

I take leave from Badi Ammi, and continue my journey. The picturesque Punjab countryside passes me by like a living painting. After few hours on the road i reach my destination.

Amritsar Army base, Punjab. India-Pakistan border. 46 Armoured Regiment.

My job the last 15 months without Sanam.

I clearly remember how I ended up enlisting in the army. It was a quiet night at home a year ago, and Rahat was visiting us. We sat together companionably until I opened up to him.

"I need to get out of here Rahat. The memories are drowning me. I don't want to forget her, she lives in me. But I can't live in this paused state, I'll go crazy ! We're still searching for her but I need to do something. All this pent up energy and restlessness is making me ill. All we have heard from the police is that they have witnesses that may have seen Sanam in a truck going across the border to Kashmir. And then nothing! I stubbornly believe she is alive, yet my failing strength is telling me that if she were alive, she would have tried her best to contact me..."

"I want to join the army Rahat. I want to do something physical. Train, go on missions, help rid the border of this disgusting practise of smuggling girls across. I need to do something!"

Rahat spoke with me calmly and reassuringly, not to make hasty decisions. He told me to take a few weeks' time to decide and then let him know. And a week later I found myself enlisting in the regiment. Because I was a graduate I was afforded an officer's rank, but I wanted to train with the recruits. And I did.

Abbu didn't understand why I did, what I did. Even Haya thought it was a step back from getting over Sanam.

They didn't understand me.

I didn't want to forget Sanam, and I am not delusional.

I am in love with her and I will be till the day I die.

But I can't just die of grief, I have to live the remainder of this life.

I'd rather remove and distract myself, be useful and still remember my Sanam. Be a stronger version of me. So I trained with the regiment, trained hard and gained a place. A band of brothers who go on missions together and support each other till we get back safely.

As I ride into the base, I head for Rahat's quarters and as expected, a heavily pregnant Haya waited at the door. Her sweet face was glowing but her demeanour tired. I bring her Badi Ammi's sweet container and she beams. She seems well, safe being where Rahat works.

Rahat was reassigned to administrative duties after he got a promotion in rank. He was around more and that was all Haya wanted, after the chaos Faiz caused in their lives. I visit a little while before reporting to my superior.

My Commanding Officer is glad to see me and after reporting we are quickly brought up to speed with the next morning's mission. Intelligence reports suspect a large syndicate was smuggling girls and young boys two ways across the Kashmir border. They have underworld connections and have till now escaped punishment. But if they were caught red handed at the border, the case would be hard to dismiss.

I can't help but wonder... Was my Sanam smuggled across like this?

Is she still there somewhere there, being tortured ?

I don't know which is a worse fate: being dead, or alive and being tortured.

My C.O. sees my distraction and asks if this mission is a problem. "Not at all.." I assure him. After our prep and briefing, we settle to rest as we leave early at 0200H.

***

India-Kashmir border 0330H

Everything went horribly wrong.

It was as though they knew we were coming. Heavily armed men came guns ablaze at their point of contact, taking us by surprise. It was impossible! This mission was top secret ! Only someone on the inside could've told them.

Splintered into smaller groups, the platoon fought hard deep in the jungle, fighting fire with fire. The kidnapped girls were rescued and led away by the team successfully but my partner and I were surrounded.

Suddenly i was hit. An impact over my chest knocks my breath out and I fall face down in the mud.

Is this it?

Is this my end?

Please Allah, at least let my Sanam be there too...

Because I promised her I wouldn't leave her , ever.

To be continued...