Ranveer felt his knees failing below him and he felt himself crash on the ground, his knees making rough contact with the floor beneath him. He buried his head in his palms, his fingers making frenzied contact with his hair until he caught fistfuls of them on either side, the pain evident, yet it gave him no discomfort. Removing his hands sluggishly from his head, he now buried his face in his palms while he felt himself crumble. Completely.
Silent sobs wrecked his body, just like how his silent love had destroyed him internally. He had mastered the art of crying without making any noise. In fact, he could do it so well, that a person on the opposite side of the room would consider it completely deserted. He didn't know for how long this continued, but he knew that he had to get it out of him, he could no longer live with himself anymore.
When the time seemed right, Ranveer got back to his feet clumsily, taking support of the bed and wincing slightly as his knees erupted in an angry fit of pain at his sudden movement. Ignoring the pain, knowing that his physical agony was far less than the one he was enduring mentally, he walked towards the mirror perched proudly on top of the dressing table.
He stood in front of it, his eyes blank and red, his shoulders hunched. He looked at himself with sudden hatred. He was pathetic. Weak. Powerless. Useless. And before he knew it, he felt his hand fly across his face and it collided with his cheek with such a force, that he stumbled across the table, stopping his fall last minute by catching hold of the table.
Getting up, he saw the imprint of his own hand across his cheek, raw red, with a small gash that had a little blood oozing from it. But he did not wince. On the contrary, a small smile erupted on his face.
He had hurt her. He was now paying the price for it.
His heart questioned him fiercely, "How could you even think that she married you for your money? Don't forget Ranveer, that it was you who left your marriage just so that she could not be left groomless. So, from where the hell did this thought even occur?"
"Oh, come now! Be smart now, Ranveer. Don't listen to the jerk right at the center of your chest. Be practical. Why would she even ask for divorce in the first place now that you had finally given in to your feelings?" His brain countered immediately.
"Feelings!", scoffed his heart, "Yeah right, he has been giving her everything except his feelings!"
"Well, the woman is mental! And unfaithful. You saw the proof about it." Before anything else could sink in or any of the pictures from that night could float around his mind, his heart jeered at him.
"You know, you deserve to be divorced. You deserve to suffer like this in pain. Because for someone who claims to have an unselfish and undying love, you sure trust her a lot. Bravo, my old one, really bravo!"
"Oh, do be quiet! You don't know what you are talking about. If she truly loved him, she would have never lied to him. Just look at the number of times she's lied to you. Nobody can ever trust a person like that. It's only natural for him to keep his guard on. What's wrong in that?"
"What's wrong!" scoffed his heart. "I can't believe that you would pose such a question. She is Mota Babuji's daughter, for crying out loud! How could you even question her loyalty and character in the first place!"
"Oh yeah, she is his daughter, yes, but not his own blood. I do hope you know that there is a lot of difference between the two."
"Oh please! Save that crap for someone else. You know that she wouldn't do anything like that. Besides, pray tell me, what 'intelligence' were you struck with when you believed that lying scumbag?"
"I agree that was a poor judgment of mine, but I still feel that Ishaani was not all that innocent that night. She had no right doubting him. It only shows that she never gave a damn about what he felt about her."
"Pfft! From the way you have been dominating him, I can see what you have turned him into. And don't speak about matters you don't understand. If you could understood stuff like this, you would have known the love her eyes held for him each time she looked at him."
At that moment Ranveer could hear Ishaani's words ringing in his ears.
"Main tumhaari patni hoon!"
"How dare you behave like this with me!"
"I want an answer, Mr. Waghela!"
Shaking his head before his mind and heart could get into any other altercation, he pushed himself away from the mirror and plonked on the bed. He had no strength for this anymore. He was practically fed up of emotionally investing in her. Thrice he had done it and thrice she shattered it with a heavy blow of her own.
Maybe, she was a forbidden fruit, a fruit he could only yearn about, but never truly earn it. The more he yearned for her, she more she kept drifting away until he finally learnt to live without it. And then, she returned back to him, pleading and begging for his forgiveness, claiming her love for him to be unconditional, but he had now learnt to life a life without her. It was empty yes, but atleast he could survive.
Or maybe they were just cross-starred lovers that were never meant to be? Whatever it was, love was not easy. It never is.
He felt used, cheated. He felt like a puppet, who was made to do people's bidding against his own wishes. He felt as though everyone were trying to take advantage of his state and make him do their dirty work. Manipulating him with craft, so that he could see nothing but hatred for her.
He could not understand what had gone wrong inside him. He could not understand why he couldn't man up and just sort his problem out with Ishaani without the help of a third party. He knew that he had been a coward, hiding behind the skirts of other people just so he couldn't face the problem himself. But was there a problem really?
He couldn't understand what had happened that Ishaani's behavior had changed so drastically overnight. Especially when he had confessed to her that he still felt the same for her. There was something strange in her eyes, something that he had never seen before, when she spoke to him this morning. He thought that he had known her well enough to know what was running through her mind, but today he couldn't guarantee the same. There was a strange eerieness about her eyes - lifeless and blank, as though somebody had snuffed that right out of her. Strangely, her eyes reminded him of himself as of late.
Even though he tried to show Ishaani how low he thinks of her, he had a very hard time believing that wanted a divorce from him, especially after what happened yesterday. He knew that she loved him. He could feel her body shiver against his when he pulled her out of harm's way the previous morning and he could feel the love her eyes held for him when she adamantly demanded an answer and stop to all the nonsense he had been putting her through that same evening.
He could not ignore the fact that even though he believed had she had indulged in infidelity and he had showed his belief with very sign of hostile hatred, she had stood by him, through every thick and thin, whether it be his physical torture or his silent treatments or his indifference.
He finally felt his mind unclog. It was as though someone had cleared the block in his head. He had to let bygones be bygones. He had to show trust in her even if it meant an emotional upheaval. If he had ever loved Ishaani truly for a day, he knew that this was not her speaking. Speak as he might about how she destroyed their relationship, the fact yet remained that he had delivered the final blow that knocked the last breath out of their relationship. But maybe, all over not over yet. Maybe, there will still a tiny shred of light in that unwinding and unending tunnel he has been in for so long. Maybe after all, he did still have a chance. They still had a chance.
He got up from the bed with a newfound hope. He knew that now he could be the only one who could save their relationship and this time, he would do this on his own, without involving anyone in what he was thinking. If he had to fight tooth and nail for her, he would, but the last thing he would do was to let her out of his grasp.
But for now, all he could do was play along with her in this ridiculous game of time, before she could show her hand first.
Cricket
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