Chapter 11: Zakhm
Thank God it was Sunday was Abhir's first waking thought as he looked at the wrist watch lying on the bedstand next to time. His pounding head registered it was nearly 11:30 in the morning and got up, washed his face and hoped Pari had the coffee maker on with a cup of black coffee. Pari. He had vague recollections of what happened last night, all he remembered was arriving home drunk after hearing that his ex fiancee was going to be a mother. He also remembered that he leaned on someone's arm rather heavily as they guided him to his bedroom. He also thought he heard an aching, heartbroken, "I love you too" to his alcohol induced confession of "I .....love .....you.......Bhumi........".
Pari was in the living room, building a house with a pack of cards when Abhir came there past noon. That was very unlike her, she generally preferred spending Sunday afternoons in the public library, making notes on the environmental and social causes like lack of infrastructure in the city, maintenance of orphanages, old age home and other charities, forest reclamation. Putting in place theoratical ideas which would always be subservient to the practicality of the human mind in his opinion. So her presence in the living room was surprising, also the current useless activity she was totally involved in. Unsurpising though, the house of cards kept collapsing. Abhir closed the French window and switched the fan off before taking a seat right opposite her.
"Paridhi.....About the dinner yesterday....I'm very sorry......I meant to keep my promise......" Pari gave him a curt look before turning back to the "house building activity". "I'm really really sorry......Its just that I couldn't .....After I heard that news.......I...I....."
"Its always about you isn't it?" Pari got up suddenly, scattering the card house violently. "Your love....Poor you.......How self indulgent can you be?....." She walked up to where a stack of newspapers lay and picked up the first one and flung it at him...The newspaper headlines had the wedding picture of Bhumi and Joydeep with a crack down the middle, with a speculative " Is all well in paradise? Does Bhumi Acharya nee Virani still have feelings for Abhir Bhasin.....The bar brawl which says all......Read on..... "." Have you ever for a moment thought what repercussions your acts have? Your obsession for Bhumi di? Your public claims about loving her?"
Abhir got up too and kept his voice calm. "I'm sorry about this....I'll sue the reporter who made such insidious statements...But yes....it is the truth....." "There are things which matter far more than truth and your love....". Pari's voice quired with justified rage, " Mom....dadi....Bhumi di..Joydeep....Karan uncle....they were all so upset.......How long I can keep this charade up infront of dadi I don't know....Atleast I don't have to pretend with ma.....Thanks to you, she has to answer all these uncomfortable questions...................Joydeep and Di.....How hard it is for her? I know what she went through when you deserted her on the eve of your wedding....And you claim to love her.....Her insecurity that Joydeep thinks that she still loves you and your claims to the same......She tries to move on a step and you and your thoughtless actions drag her back two....Why can't you, if you claim to love her let her go....Let her be happy.....Instead of inflicting your misery on her.......Your purported true love is not true enough to wish her happiness above your own?"
"Its so easy for you to say .....You call me selfish....why even your priorties are people you love na? their happiness? You live so that others be happy...." "I don't make claims to that effect Abhir...but I definitely put my happiness and wellbeing secondary to those whom I care about...You, on the otherhand put your unhappiness foremost...You live to make others unhappy....." she was furious now.
" That's enough Paridhi...You insult my love now......What do people say....Its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all..." and Abhir's voice lost its usual drawling quality and took on a much more painful undertone..."Rubbish....utter rubbish....Do you know how much it hurts to lose your love particularly when you know its not all your fault...." The pain in his voice became more pronounced...."That's the worst kind of grief, worst kind of punishment ever to have....to lose the one you love....No greater agony than that." he finished sombrely.
"There is Abhir.....There is ....." Pari's furious, emotion charged voice had suddenly gone very cold. "Atleast for a measure of time, however small, Bhumi di reciprocated your feelings, your love........You want to know what is worse than losing the one you love? Not being able to unlove someone. Watching him wallow in misery and despair, wanting to but unable to help. Loving and continuing to love despite the knowledge that the person you love will never love you back. Because he loves someone else."
Kumkum Bhagya
Anupamaa
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