Chapter 10
Covering my wet hair with the towel I stood before the mirror and looked at myself. It felt nice coming back home, to my room, I meant our room, no his room, whatever. The smiling and welcoming faces of naani ji and Aakash made me realize how much I was missed, especially by Payal who got so excited while hugging me that she forgot completely that her oil paint filled hands were coloring my suit instead of her canvas.
I began unpacking my bag and started keeping some suits back into the cupboard while others for laundry. My gaze fell on his shawl which was now in my hands, I brushed my fingers over it and thought, he never failed to surprise me, when I wanted him to drop me off to college that time he sent Aakash instead and then out of the blue he turned up to pick me from the college ? must admit I was really happy to see him after so many days, they say you value something more when you get it unexpectedly, maybe that's why my lips had stretched in a smile on seeing him sitting in the office waiting for me. I shook my head and turned around, he was walking in the room slowly and casually with a coffee mug in one hand and the other one slipped inside his pocket.
" this..shawl ..you kept it?". He stared at me briefly before answering," yah"
" why?" I asked knotting my eyebrows. He didn't reply, simply shrugged off his shoulders. I came forward giving it back to him, he moved his eyes in the direction of his cupboard indicating to keep it back. I lowered my head and turned towards his cupboard smiling to myself, I knew he had kept it but didn't expect him to admit it. One thing more I hadn't expected when I opened his cupboard, a sudden gasp escaped my lips and I covered my mouth with my free hand on seeing the state of his cupboard which was in a complete mess. With waist coats hanging without matching trousers , all the shirts rolled together in one corner, handkerchiefs scattered here and there. How did he manage to find his clothes daily, I wondered. As far as I remembered, I had dared to touch his cupboard only once and that too the next day of our wedding that time it wasn't in such a state, maybe for once he had thought of keeping his things systematically.
" what's the matter ?" he asked in surprise. I looked at him and said in a shocked state of mind," how can anyone keep his cupboard like this?"
He frowned at me with a confused expression on his face and asked," meaning?" I moved away from his cupboard and pointed towards mine which was open, his eyes travelled in that direction and found a completely opposite cupboard which was so well organized and kept. The daily wear ironed out suits hung neatly while others were properly folded and placed. He rolled his eyes and without any regret replied coldly," if it's shocking and bothering you that much then arrange it yourself." I shook my head and extended my hand giving the shawl back to him," today I will rearrange...and tomorrow morning you'll mess up everything. I'm sure." I knew all my efforts would go down the drain once he touched it again, so why should I bother?
" okay fine. I'll be careful." he said in irritation while sipping on his coffee. I stared back at him and asked firmly," promise?" he shook his head ensuring he wont mess up his clothes again. Sighing deeply I pulled out the towel from my head and dropped it on the recliner then threw my wet hair falling on my shoulder back, preparing myself for this uphill task just when I heard him say in irritation, " uff.." I turned around and realized that water droplets from my hair had fallen on his face. Biting my lower lip in guilt I thought of offering my dupatta like I did in the car but instead picked up the towel and took a step ahead to wipe his face.
I guessed the day was full of surprises, this time my own forwardness and his lack of protest amazed me. For the first time I had moved so close to him voluntarily and he had allowed me to do so. Gazing at his face intently I found it calm and serene, may be his inner turmoil had begun to settle down, good at least he was slowly overcoming his past if not myself.
Dropping my eye lids I turned to the cupboard to rearrange all his clothes. When he silently left the room I didn't know, it took me almost two hours to finish this job.
Payal came in to call me for dinner, I glanced at his study while stepping down the stairs, the lights were still on. The dishes were already laid out on the dining table and naani ji was waiting for us. How could I have food before him?," Arnav ji.." I said looking at his study. Naani ji pressed my hand lightly and said," he'll join us ..you start." I didn't wish to refuse her but at the same time didn't find it right to have before him, parting my lips I spoke once again," I'll eat in a while." Naani ji looked at me sternly and said," khushi bitiya, you've covered a long journey today . now sit quietly and eat." Lowering my head I sat down quietly and served naani ji then myself some rice and dal. Bringing the spoon close to my mouth I glanced one more time up, he was coming out of the study, I stood up immediately to leave with my plate. I hadn't forgotten that he didn't enjoy eating in my presence. But Naani ji gestured me to keep seated. I began eating hurriedly so that I could disappear in the kitchen and allow him to have his meal peacefully. Everybody on the table stared at me in amazement as I was gulping everything down my throat quickly. However my speed wasn't good enough, he reached the table before I could finish off my plate.
Naani ji asked him to sit, he pulled the chair next to mine and sat down silently. Being a slow eater, something got stuck in my throat and I began coughing badly. He poured water in a glass and offered me, after taking a few sips my cough subsided. He stared at me, his eyes appeared amusing as if he was enjoying seeing me nervous because of him. I stood up and said, " naani ji, I'm full." Then left the place quietly.
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Kneeling down on the ground I picked up an empty pot and filled it with fresh mud, then dug a small hole in the middle of the mud to add seeds into it. Covering the remaining pot with mud I began pressing it lightly with my fingers. I wished one could bury his/her past similarly and make a fresh start so easily. It had been more than a month since I returned from college, though I managed to face my demons there but did I succeed in leaving them behind?. Going back was a wise decision. It made me realize that I had the ability to handle what had happened but did I have the ability to move on? Maybe not. I was still stuck where I was six months back, though the past didn't disturb me much but it didn't allow me to move ahead either. After watering the pot I stood up to wash my hands under the tap then splashed some on my face. My hands went to my dupatta to wipe off my wet hands and dry off my face, just then it struck me that this was the same dupatta which he had used to wipe his face, involuntarily my eyes softened a bit. Remembering what the parting words of manorma maami were ," open your arms and embrace the happiness that is awaiting for you." I smiled and slowly rubbed my face with the dupatta, when I heard someone familiar call me," khushi"
I stood up and turned around, my eyes widened in shock as I saw her standing in front of me with vermillion in her parting and a mangalsutra hanging around her neck. My eyes travelled down and noticed her baby bump," Sheetal ..you're married .." she nodded a yes, just like me even she was aghast to see me with the vermillion in my parting, in fact more than me because we knew she had eloped to get married, just that this thing slipped out of my mind for a minute.
With her eyes fixed on my face she asked me," and you? You married that Arnav?" my eyes scattered the ground as I stood there quietly without replying. " were you out of your mind? ..how could you settle down with a man like him?" she asked bitterly as my stunned eyes shot up , what was wrong in marrying him? I wondered.
My brows knotted in confusion when sheetal held her head in disbelief," before taking such a huge step did you forget Arnav was a gangster... a murderer ?" if she was astounded to see me in this state so was I to see her spitting venom against him. She didn't stop there and spoke again," thank god on the wedding day I realized I loved Aman and saved myself from entering this hell ..but you ?" Yeah very soon you realized that you were in love with some Aman, I wanted to say but didn't. The fact that I'd married him and on top of that I wasn't even regretting it was annoying her to no extent, unaware that what she was saying about him was boiling my blood. She took a deep breath and held me by my arms to justify her comments and continued further," that killer's hands are soaked in blood. He doesn't remember himself how many lives he has taken with his filthy hands." I curled my fingers to control my temper which rose one notch higher, being my elder sister I didn't want to disrespect her but what she was saying was making my eyes burn in anger. I hoped she noticed my fury and stopped right there but she didn't and what she said next made the volcano inside me explode," with those same blood stained hands when he touches you...comes close to you...don't you feel DISGUSTED?" how shallow could she think about him ? looking back at her I thought, was she really my sister?
She parted her lips to add further but before that I snapped back," ENOUGH!" I couldn't bear to hear another word from her, she had crossed all the limits today. She seemed startled seeing me shout back at her for the first time.
" Your so called thoughtful step compelled me to take this step..so that the honor of both the families could be saved." I said pointing towards her. It amazed me that she failed to acknowledge that her one reckless act had put the reputation of both the families at stake. I had an answer to all the questions she'd thrown at me and nobody could stop me from giving them back to her.
" So you see blood on his hands..but with those very hands he cares and protects the people of this town...everyday risks his life for them, that you can't see?" I asked raising my brow, true he had shed blood in the past but then at the same time he had and was still doing so much for the welfare of his people, couldn't she see that?
I wasn't justifying his acts but she very well knew about his profession at the time they got engaged, couldn't she refuse then if she had so many problems? Her eyes grew big in disbelief seeing her small little sister question her.
" and that man is my husband. His touch doesn't disgust me. It heals me." I touched my mangalsutra, his chain and brought my hand down slowly brushing my dupatta, the glass bangles tinkled softly," Arnav ji may not close to me all the time. But I can always feel his presence." His thoughts always surrounded and guarded me, which she could never understand.
Her face lost color, deep down I knew my marriage to him came as a huge shock to her and she was concerned for me but the way she showed it I didn't like it. She gulped the lump in her throat before speaking," I was only thinking about your well being." I shook my head in negation and replied crossing my arms in front of my chest," someone who thinks ill of Arnav ji can't think well of me." she stroked my harm, lowered her head and left silently.
I was still fuming and turned back to the plants in the garden to divert my mind. Old dead yellow leaves gave way to fresh green ones, they either dropped off on their own or were plucked off but in the end they had to leave. Similarly either willingly or unwillingly past had to pass for a better present and future. Plucking the yellow leaves I decided, I would not let his past jeopardize his present because he was trying to move on in life.
Going back inside I found payal beaming in delight," khushi, this calls for celebration." I frowned looking at her, what party was she talking about? She pouted sadly," what didn't arnav bhai tell you?" I nodded a no, we didn't meet since morning.
She smiled broadly and said," your results are out.." she paused to build up the suspense," and you've stood 3rd." My mouth opened up in shock, naani ji too came forward and caressed my face to bless me. Smiling back at them I looked around searching for him, he was nowhere.
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The same message played again and again, why did he carry a cell phone if had to keep it switched off? Pacing up and down for more than a hour in the balcony I dialed his number one more time. Still no luck, same message played again. He'd gone missing since morning and now it was getting dark, nobody knew about his whereabouts. My eyes fell on the opposite terrace, sheetal stood there gazing at me. She'd always been a very protective and loving sister, infact during childhood she often got beaten up by maa because me, I was a complete prankster but never knew that one day she would end up playing this huge prank on all of us and our beautiful relationship would change forever. Till this morning I believed that some day she'd regret what she did to arnav ji and would apologize for disgracing the honor of both the families, though it would be difficult for me to forgive her so easily for breaking his heart but being my sister I'd forget in sometime.
I shook my head, she'd proved me completely wrong, she was not at all remorseful of her actions, in fact had the audacity to criticize him on my face. I wondered why she'd come back. Turning my back to her I thought, the distance between these two terraces though seemed short but would not be covered so soon especially after what happened in the morning.
Picking up our wedding picture painted by payal I sat on the recliner. Not much but things had changed for the better in these past six months. The relationship that started as a compromise didn't seem a burden anymore. If things weren't sweet then they weren't bitter either, a sense of acceptance had penetrated into our relationship. Still distant yet always there for each other. I hoped and prayed closing my eyes that things remained like this forever.
The door barged open shaking me up, after a very long time I'd seen him in this state again, fully drunk. I stood up and kept the photo frame on his bedside. He staggered his way to the bed carrying a glass of whiskey, he was about to stumble when I held him, he pushed me aside and dropped himself on the bed. What was wrong with him, why was he so drunk? . Slowly I went near him and asked, " Arnav ji today .." he showed me his hand shutting me up. Lowering my head in disappointment I went down to get his dinner tray.
I was in the kitchen heating up the food when I heard him scream, " SHEETAL". Rushing back to the room I found his hand bleeding, he must have known that Sheetal came to meet me in the morning. Holding his hand I asked," Arnav ji what have you done?" he didn't reply just stared back at me, the same pain, the same hurt which he had on that fateful wedding night came back in his eyes.
Was he still in love with her? Did she still affect him? Had he not moved on? My mind questioned as I bandaged his wounded hand. Just the hand coz his heart was still bleeding.
Dropping his head on the pillow he closed his eyes leaving me to wonder, had our relationship taken a U turn? Were we back to square one? Did we have to flip those painful pages once again?
I hoped not. I really hoped not.
Thanks for reading
Rose
Taarak Mehta Ka Ooltah Chashmah
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