MG(SS)~Bezuba~ #5....epi/pg25,26sep

~INDEX~

THREAD 1

THREAD 2

THREAD 3

THREAD 4

PART 35

EPILOGUE

~PART 35~

(Pic posted by trishtej)

She went to his room but he wasn't there. A million things ran through her mind creating a whirlpool of blankness. She didn't know if she should cry or laugh, probably she was doing both, probably she was doing nothing. Almost out of the room she turned back and checked the bathroom door to find it locked. He was inside. She placed her palm on the lifeless wood, tears pouring out of her eyes.

Maan... she called but the door remained shut, maybe he didn't hear her. She spoke his name louder and the result was the same. Silence. So she kept repeating it until he gave up and answered.

Just leave. His voice was drained, pleading. We'll... do this later.

Later? Do this later? How dare he say that? She started to bang her hands on the door. Only she had the right to be angry, to feel pain, to seek answers... he didn't have a say.

Pressing both hands on ears, he willed her to leave. He couldn't do it now. He never wanted this to come out still it was there, out in open... lying naked staring at him like a dead corpse. Leave. He shouted. Please. Only a little time he needed, to put himself together, to again gather the broken pieces n arrange them into something presentable before he faced her. God, wasn't it enough that she knew he had destroyed her as well as her life? The banging didn't stop n even in this f**ked up situation he couldn't stop himself from worrying about her soft, little hands that weren't made to get hurt... and how he had hurt her soul.

Finally, he opened the door and the fists that were beating at wood now thrashed against his chest. Her cries pinched him n he could do nothing to stop them. He was so pathetic, a black mark in the name of human being. He didn't deserve to live. For heaven's sake, he loved this girl and what all he gave her were tears and suffering. He noticed how small she was, how young and in this little lifetime of hers she had already seen so much. The dirty face of people who were supposed to be her family, greed, betrayal, humiliation, adherence and worst of all, she had seen him.

She stilled all of a sudden and took a step back glancing up at him with eyes that he couldn't look into. She let out a long angry breath and Maan waited for how she will question him.

*So you didn't do it?* Her hazels questioned him more than her hands.

He stared the wall behind her and shook his head. No, I did it.

*Phir aapne kyu kaha waha ke aapne nahi kia, ke mai utni hi saaf hu jitna mujhe hona chahiye? Boliye?* He didn't have an answer and it seemed she was talking to a ghost. A shadow she could see but couldn't reach out to.*Bataiye!!*

It doesn't matter.

*It matters to me. Mujhe sach jaanne ka haq, jab uss din aapne mujhe sab bataya toh mujhse yeh baat kyu chupayi? Ussi din kyu nai keh dia?*

He clenched his fists tighter, nails digging into skin painfully. Because it doesn't change anything. It wouldn't bring back your voice or the love of your family, the respect that you deserved. Would it bring back those four years that you suffered in that hell? Would it change anything that I made it seem like you were raped and didn't do that final act? No, it would just show you my f**ked up mentality. I am ready to take all the blame for what I had done and what I almost did. I impaired you for life and I... I didn't want you to know that it was because of nothing. You lost everything and lived like that for four years and it was because of what I made it seem. It makes me feel all the more nasty that you had to go through all that when I hadn't- I could have- I shouldn't have done that to you to start with.

And would you believe me if I had said that yes I was that bas***d that night but no I didn't rape you, I just made it look like a rape?

*You could always prove it to me.* She said flatly and he didn't understand what she meant. *Why do you always assume everything about me? Why is it always your guilt, your crime, your punishment? Is it fair to commit a crime and decide a punishment for yourself? When you told me it was you, you should have told me this too and let me make you suffer. Yeh meri zindagi hai aap mere lie faisale lena band kariye. And if you thought that I wouldn't believe you then you should have proved me. I want you to prove me.*

She walked to him n smacked her lips against his, his whole body jerked with consciousness but the next moment he pushed her away, repulsed by the knowledge of what she was doing.

She wasn't swayed by his rejection, he couldn't say no to her today. *Aaj aap mujhe mana nai kar sakte.*

You are not in your senses Geet. I am not going to trash that one little act of sanity from that night, and am surely not going to damage more of you.

*Like you said, it doesn't matter. Am I not already raped? How does this make a difference to you or others? At least I would know that not everything I had lost that night.*

You are talking like crazy. I... can't do this. He tried to sound angry but his eyes were fearful. How she could make him so weak. She didn't know if she loved this power over him or hated it.

Knocking away the tears, she said. *Agar aap nai karenge toh... thik hai. I will go out and-* His head jerked up and eyes blazed with absolute fury as if challenging her to speak further much less try out her warning. Her face was mocking. *Mai kisi aur ke sath hu sun bhi nai sakte aap.*

This time when she walked to him, he took a step back but could do nothing more as her lips claimed his. She kissed him as if she was searching for something and it was hard to not get lost. He still tried, tried to resist the biggest temptation of his life but she surrounded his mind in impossible ways. Her lips were soft n so was her entire body as she pushed him back on the bed. He had no idea that she could do this if she wanted to. She wasn't unsure of herself like last time, there was this resolve sweeping out of her and it was turning him frail, yielding. His body absorbed her in despite his protests. They were so feeble anyway that the girl over him could laugh at this attempts.

18+

ON BLOG

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He sat back and started to button his shirt up. The sheets shuffled behind him and he felt her warm hand on his shoulder. Her whole face and neck were red. *You didn't finish.* She signed looking down, all her bravery gone in air.

You got your proof.

*But what about you? Don't you want me? Were you again lying that night when you said you have always wanted me?*

Maan smiled wryly. Believe me I got everything that I needed.

Yes... Her broken voice had his hands freezing on his shirt button. You asked if I would have believed had you told me that you didn't rape me. My answer is yes. Mujhe sabut ki zaroorat nai.

He turned back staring at her as if he had seen a ghost. How do- how-

Do you know when I lost my voice? It wasn't during your faked rape really because after waking up I had cried and somehow came out of that barn but my legs didn't take me far and I blacked out. When I woke up once again, everything had changed. Everyone was blaming me as if I had done a crime. I didn't even know what was happening initially because I was numb although slowly got an idea. There were things that I wanted to say, wanted to tell and ask but nobody would hear me out. I was scared and through the talks and my condition I knew I was raped. Nobody called a doctor or police and they gave me strict warning to not step out of the house or even my room. I didn't really have anyone to talk to or discuss my fears, before it was my papaji with whom I used to share things but after his death I was living with Taaya ji. The nights gave me creeps, I had horrible dreams and I would wake up screaming your name.

They called a guy to see me and he was a middle aged man when I was not even of legal age to get married. It was then I was all dressed up and taken out. He belonged to another village. I came out getting to know that my marriage was being fixed, I was happy in a way that this might wash out my filthiness and there will be some people who would accept me. That didn't happen. He rejected me n not because I was dirty, he didn't know that. He rejected me because when his mother asked me some stupid question I opened my mouth and no words came out. I tried to speak but- it was useless. I couldn't, irrespective of how I tried. First I was angry at myself and everyone else but then I realized god took my voice because there was hardly anyone to hear. I didn't need it and I never made any complaints for making me dumb.

Until that night in hotel, you were so tender and you didn't loathe me. As your hands roamed over my body, each kiss was a blessing, emotions swamped me... and my heart was beating fast. The night before, when you had woken up after the bad dream, you had let me take care of you. You slept in my arms and I realized I wanted to be that person whom you always sought out in distress, in gloom and in pain. I wanted to take it all away and promised myself that I will never let you sleep alone. I was overcome with the need to comfort you. In the entire world you were the only one who wanted me, needed me. You were a treasure I could never let go. And, when you were loving me; I wanted to scream and shout, tell you how much you meant to me, that I was in love with you. There was no definite moment when it happened. It was a slow conspiracy acted out by your actions, your words, your eyes and every single thing that you wouldn't let me see.

I don't know how- but I it came out, the three words, so clear, without any effort. But they had you stopping. Mai bezuba hi thik thi. Pehle sab thik tha, mai jhut ki duniya me thi lekin wo duniya iss duniya se bahut behtar thi. Meri awaaz ne sab khatam kar dia. The way you pushed me away. That moment only I decided that I don't want to speak. I was better a mute. And then you told me everything and again I was alone. Again there was no one left to hear me so what would I do with my voice anyway.

She clutched the sheets with the meaningless proof of her virginity close to herself and shifted closer to him. Mai aapse bahut pyaar karti hu Maan. Mujhe koi farq nai padta jo hua tha usse, mai nai jaanti yeh sahi hai ya galat. Mai swarthi hu aur bas itna jaanti hu ke aapke bina mai reh nai sakti. Maan mai aapse alag nai ho sakti.

Her hand cupped his cheek unleashing a flood of tears from his eyes. Hum saath nai reh sakte. Mujhe pata nai tum mujhe kaise maaf kar sakti ho kyuki mai khudko maaf nai kar sakta. I had all intensions of raping you but fell weak in that final moment. That doesn't mean I am any better. I knew how the mentality of village people works and how unaware they were. I knew they would never take you for a checkup. And if you figured out and said you weren't raped, nobody would believe you. I did it all intentionally. It's all my fault-

But it's over. Only I can decide what punishment to give you and I think you have had enough. I don't want you to suffer more and I am not doing this just for you, I am doing this for myself too Maan. She rested her forehead against his and closed her eyes. Let go of past.

I cannot.

Yes, you can. If I can then you can as well. I love you Maan, for me you'll have to let go. We'll forget it like a bad dream.

He hugged her to himself not knowing whether he was doing right or just committing another sin. But she knew better than him and he loved her so much. Every suffering would be small in front of what he would feel if she left him. I love you and I will... I will never hurt you.

She couldn't even look at him with so many tears in her eyes. I know.