Ok guys so I know I took long to post this but as we all saw the episode turned out to be much different from what we anticipated. But I still decided to go ahead and make this intense. Thats why it came out really long for a TS lol I really need to learn to write with less detail lol but having OCD (just like Mr. Khan and Sanam) I always feel like I left something out lol But still I hope u guys enjoy reading it and plz do leave comments. It encourages me to write more and means a lot to me. I will try to reply to everyone this time and be more active :) So here it is enjoy ;) I am gonna try to write something more light hearted next as well :)
Aahil took a deep breath. He ignored the overwhelming pain inside of his chest and cleared his throat.
"Sanam do you remember when--when those strangers had buried you that aweful night... We ran into each other in the hall. Before you left the house y--you had asked why I drink if it makes me forget things and go out of my senses. San-"
He took a deep breath before continuing. He had never shared this with anyone, not even Rehan. But he trusted her. He trusted Sanam.
"Sanam I never had an easy childhood. Seeing all this money and luxury would make anyone believe that my life is perfect. But it isn't and it never was. The small things that make one happy in life are unknown to me. Childhood memories are suppose to be precious. Those are the days we look back to and cherish and even wish to return to... but for me its a part of my life I want to forget but cant. Drinking keeps those memories at bay for sometime but then it comes flooding in... during the day but especially at nights. Even now it all seems too real! The nightmares are a strong reminder of those horrid memories of my childhood. I would do anything to forget those cold and harsh nights when my skin would burn and swell. When every hit would leave a mark. My dad found it easier to take out his anger on me for my small errors as oppose to owning up to his big mistakes. Whether it was a broken glass or lack of alcohol in front of him... He- he would take his belt and hit until his anger cooled down or his hands began to ache. I was only seven and this continued for many years until Ammi came. Be even she could not put an end to it. Everytime he would raise his belt for the next hit... I would feel my body shake in fear anticipating the pain before it came." Aahil shuddered at the memory.
"Before I realized my patience and ability to withstand pain had crossed its limit."
Aahil stopped to see if Sanam was listening. He looked up into her eyes. She was not giving away anything. Just intently listening. Her tears were still present and almost made Aahil lose his control. But he mustered up all his courage to tell Sanam the truth that changed his life forever.
"One night Sanam... I dont know what happened. How I-- why-- I don't even recall pulling the trigger but he stopped breathing. Ammi tried to calm me and took the blame. But Sanam I--- with these hands--- trust me I never wanted to. I hated my abu for what he did. I feared him but I didnt want him-- him to die. But because of me Ammi suffered. I messed up so many lives. All my life I lived with this guilt of being a monster. Of being able to harm. My hand-- the same hand that pulled the trigger constantly reminded me of what I had done. What I was capable of doing. Every time I would get injured and my hand would get bandaged I would feel like its a punishment... For the sin I committed."
Aahil felt pain constricting his throat and his voice was shaking miserably but he knew if he stopped now he would never get to tell her what she needed to know before she left... Left him for good. Aahil continued trying to speak despite the pain.
"I have never told anyone about this. Not even Rehan, my friends, no one and I am not telling you all this to gain sympathy. Sanam I know I am wrong and you have every right to hate me. But it just hurts to know that you do. I know you dont remember anything about the night after I brought you home from the graveyard. But that night... You were scared and I happened to be there. You hugged me-- me out of all the people. You told me not to leave you and I promised not to. It was the strangest feeling for me. Sanam, I know I dont deserve it but I felt you trusted me. For all the wrongs I have done, this made everything seem so right. When I placed you back on the bed... Sleeping calmly while feeling protected and safe I realized something... These hands which I believed can only harm actually saved a life. There was actually someone who trusted me. You trusted me Sanam. My hand which was bandaged somehow healed. I had not realized but it healed a while back. But you made me realize that I could so something good for a change. Your trust didnt just heal my hand... It healed me. At first I was so confused. Being with you suddenly made everything feel different. I felt different. For the first time in my life, I felt...happy. Safe. Relieved of guilt. Content. Like I was alive. I --"
He cast about for the right words, praying he could find them.
"I've never felt like this, and it's because of you, Sanam. At first I had no idea what it was but I knew I wanted you to feel the same way. I needed you to understand me! But when I realized you forgot what for me was the most life changing moment... I let my ego get the better of me and out of anger I agreed to marry Nida, without even letting you know how I felt. But trust me my feelings didn't go away. I could not make them go away and after a while I didn't want it to. I just wanted you to understand me... To feel the same strong emotions that had taken over my heart and soul. At the dargah, at the farmhouse... Even that night after my engagement. I just wanted you to understand! Without my explaining. And I admit I was wrong. I should have just told you how I felt. And when I saw that you and-- him loved one another... I felt terrible but I-- I swear I didn't want to come between you guys. But somehow destiny played a strange game. Our nikah happened so quickly that I could not even react. Sanam, after that I thought you married me for money. I always knew you were different but when I found out--- It hurt that you were like the others too. And I kept on taking out the anger on you. But after tonight I guess I was wrong yet again. I don't know why you took the money but its definitely not for the reasons I felt you did. Your intentions were never wrong but I kept on misunderstanding and wrongly accusing you. I cant believe that I hurt you so much. My birthday no one else remembered... You did and I--- Even tonight whatever happened was wrong... I had no right--- I didn't know about the 3 months--- I would have never forced you to share the bed nor have crossed my limits. I always felt that nikah is a lifetime commitment but I had no idea how to go about it. How to differentiate between the truth, the lie, the drama we had to enact, and most of all how to keep my emotions in check. I know you don't feel the way I do yet-- I messed up everything Sanam. I am not telling you all this for you to forgive me or to give me a second chance. But I want you to know that this story had started before our wedding. But I guess only from my side. You have every--every right to choose whose the best for you. And I am not that. But I want you to know your precious to me. I love you Sanam and ---"
Aahil placed his head over her hands and closed his eyes. It hurt so much to tell her to choose when he knew she would leave him. How could he let her get away. "I don't want to lose you" he said with the remaining courage and energy he had left. He could not keep this facade. He wanted her to stay, to love him, to never leave him. He wanted to show her how much he loved her.
Sanam pulled her hands away shocking him. Sanam shook her head, over and over and over. Denying it. Denying him. She didnt believe a word he said. She didnt believe him even when he told her every single truth of his life. The truths that no one else knew. Aahil had lost... His love had lost. His heart broke to see her like this. To see how much she despised him! How could she not see... That he loved her so much!
"Please leave me alone," she said firmly.
"Sanam! Don't do this. It can't end like this."
"It should never have begun! This nikah should not have even happened" she cried.
Aahil felt her words hit him. This pain felt much greater than anything before in his life. They were meant to be. She was Allah's gift to him. A wish he had silently asked for before his wedding... they were married. They belonged together heart and soul. Didn't she know it?
" Please don't say that." Against her will, against all reason, he once again caught her hands in his. He was burning inside"his lungs, his throat, but most of all, he felt the pain burning at the center of his heart.
"You said you were my wife Sanam. You told me to stop drinking... you said--"
"I know what I said. I tried being your wife. But...your not a husband. A husband doesnt insult his wife, he doesnt treat her with hatred nor does he constantly try to bring her down. I was willing to give this nikah a chance but not after tonight. Everything has changed for the worse. Actually it was always like this... from the beginning. You think I love Rehan then yes I do!
He heard the words, despairing and deafening. He wanted to shake her, to demand that she listen. He wanted to close his arms around her and never let go. No, he thought helplessly, it was almost as if he could see her slipping away, drifting beyond his reach.
"You're wrong," he whispered. "Nothing's changed. Only me. Only me. I have changed." His eyes were stinging. He saw the world through a watery blur. Saw her through a blur. He didn't care, nor did he care that she saw. All he could think was that he had to bring her back. He had to at least try once more.
"Please, Sanam. Just..." There was a deep, rough catch in his voice. "Dont hate me... I know I dont deserve forgiveness but just once-- "
A heart wrenching sound tore from her throat, a cry that ripped his heart to shreds. "Don't say anything more. And don't look at me like that! Your words don't affect me" She wrenched herself away and locked herself in the bathroom. He heard her cries. It was unbearable. Aahil knew then. It was no use. There would be no arguing. There would be no pleading. And so he left the room... alone.
An hour later...
She saw him. Sitting silently by the poolside with his legs pulled up against his chest. He seemed different... Not weak yet vulnerable. Almost like the child who once shone bright but the dark forces around him tried to mold him into their shape, colour him dark with their colors! As if the darkness had engulfed him. The man who once seemed dangerous to her now appeared silent and gentle. He was as still as the silence surrounding him. His words rang in her ears and she could almost imagine the helpless child being beaten and shaken on the inside. That night when he had clasped on to her hand and held her she knew he was scared. Scared that someone was going to hit him. He held on to her like only she could protect him. Sanam felt terrible. No child deserves to beaten or punished so cruelly. It seemed inhumane. She did not get the chance to grow up with her father but from what she heard... He was so gentle and loving that he would have made her a princess. But here was a prince who had everything yet nothing at all. The women, wine and wealth were just a part of his facade. She had seen the real him... Many times. His innocence... When he wrapped himself in the blanket she offered and went into a peaceful slumber grabbing her hand like a little boy. Sanam had to admit she was curious the next morning and frustrated when he offered no explanation. But now everything made sense. His pain... When she had made sevaiyaan just like his ammi. His anger... When she had insulted his upbringing. How hurtful and wrong had she been. She had seen it all. His love! The way he would look at her with hope and need. The way he would jump forward to save her without worrying about himself. The way he would get angry seeing her without someone else. Whether it was his care, concern, possessiveness, jealousy, sarcasm, or even showing his love to the world... It all seemed real! Raw yet innocent. Sanam walked towards him recalling all their moments together. Sanam had also realized that Jallad Jin thought she loved Rehan. While that made her angry at first, it made her laugh inwardly when she imagined his adorable jealous face. Her loved her and seeing her with Rehan hurt him especially when he was under the misconception that she married him for money. She didn't blame him. Growing up with the people he did... Knowing right from wrong and determining people's nature didn't come easy to him. After he left... Sanam cried a lot but also cleared up all her thoughts. Listening to him made everything fall in place. Sanam realized Aahil has been walking in a shadow his whole life filled with guilt, fear, anger, pain, need and every emotion that was destructive. He had been wandering, searching for something he didn't even know he wanted. He had searched for love, care and concern. And when he did fall in love... It changed everything. It's like he's stepped into a ray of sunlight. Sanam herself hadn't realized when love had crept into her heart too... For her Jallad Jin. Sanam also realized that he didn't know about the 3 months deal and why the money was given to her. Sanam made a mental note to find out why. Aahil was certainly given the wrong picture but she was glad they had cleared things up tonight. Sanam knew he was hurt and she overreacted. He told her everything... Things that were hard to say but she didn't respond. Yes, Sanam was angry but she could never hate him. But at that moment, she needed him to leave. His presence, his tears and his pain prevented her from clearing everything in her own mind.
"Aahil?" He looked up hearing her voice.
Sanam wanted to cup his face and assure him everything was fine but she decided to talk first. He looked confused for a moment and then angry. After all he was the Jallad Jin. He stood up. Without a word, he turned his back on her and walked to the side of the pool and stood staring out, his arms crossed over his chest. But in the heartbeat before he swung away, she glimpsed something in his eyes, something that tugged at her heart. She knew it for certain when she heard his voice, low and cracked.
"Go, Sanam. Your free... From this fake nikah, from me, from this burden! You deserve someone better like him! Someone who would make you happy... Someone who is not scarred and definitely not a heartless cruel person like me. Sanam I know-- I--" His voice was now barely audible.
Her heart constricted. She stood rooted to the spot. She remembered the man who had burned down her dhaba yet saved her life, told her to never forget her position yet held on to her at night. And for that instant, she saw clear inside. She saw him as he was now"stripped of his pride, raw and still so vulnerable. Sanam strongly realized that the walls he'd built around himself were not meant to keep others out--to keep her out!--but to defend his heart, to shield himself against further pain. And she had broken through those walls. He trusted her with his secrets and his heart. But she had turned her back on him. Without meaning to, she pushed him back into the dark...left him lonely and unprotected. Suddenly she was crying again, too, silent tears that slid unheeded down her cheeks. And she couldn't do this to him. Hurt him to this extent. She wouldn't. There would be no more talking or explaining at the moment. Something came over her then. The need to save him from himself. The need to protect and assure him. Everything broke inside her. She ran over to him and slipped her arms around his waist. Sanam laid her cheek on his shirt. His entire body went taut, but he didn't break from her.
"But I want you Mr. Aahil Raza Ibrahim. Forever. Rehan may be my best friend but you are the man who owns my heart. I would want to be no one but Mrs. Sanam Raza Ibrahim nor I will never let anyone else stake that claim! Your mine."
Aahil was stunned but he recovered. He turned around and allowed himself to get lost in her arms as she held him tight. He felt the loneliness of years leave him and peace, relief and content take over. He felt the tears spill from his eyes along with her tears which she cried into his shirt. With her words Aahil felt what he never felt before. A sense of belonging... As if after wandering all his life he had come to where he belonged... Home.
The End!
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