Chapter 12
Nakusha closed the window shut, as much as she desired to stand next to it and gaze at the moon, she couldn't, it was really cold. She went back to her couch to sit and leaned against it. Her eyes searched the silent empty room. He was not there but his mark was everywhere. Not just his presence even his absence affected her. And why wouldn't it? After all in the past few weeks her life had begun to revolve around him. In fact as much as he would have wanted and tried to keep her away, she had entered his world where everything related to him left an impact on her. Be it his work, this house or annay. Even his silence, anger, indifference, grief, happiness and all the other feelings that touched him, touched her too.
She lay her head on the soft pillow and closed her eyes. She missed him and even if she wouldn't want to admit but the truth was that she couldn't stop herself from thinking about him. So what if yesterday he'd given her several reasons to be upset with him? Starting with, not sharing his pain with her and opting to suffer alone. Then while wallowing in self misery and in the process of punishing himself for reasons unknown to her, he had ended up hurting annay as well. And lastly for being so thick headed while teaching or forcing annay to ride the bike that he failed to notice how overbearing he was getting and how hard annay was trying to live up to his expectations and desires. Still ...she couldn't be mad at him for long.
The phone placed on the bed side table rang. She opened her eyes and glanced at the clock. Who was calling so late? Must be him.
" hello."
" haan." His husky voice came from the other side that startled her and she didn't know why he had that effect on her. Standing on the terrace of his room in Mumbai, he furrowed his brows in confusion when the silence between them stretched for long. Why wasn't she saying anything? Was she still annoyed with him?
" nakusha?" was she still on the line?
" sahab." She promptly answered. Yeah she was still there and if he wasn't wrong then she didn't sound upset.
" annay theekh hai?"
" haan..so raha hai..main kamre mein usse dekhkar aayi thi." Tonight he wasn't there so instead of him, she checked on annay before coming to the room.
He gave a slow and brief nod. Warm and moist breeze ruffled his hair as he walked on the terrace that faced the beach. Again there was silence between them. She pressed the receiver close to her ear, waiting for him to say something but he didn't know what to say. Like always he was at loss of words. And just when she thought he wouldn't speak and would hang up, he asked," tu soyi nahin?"
Her eyes sparkled in delight, oh so he cared to ask about her?
" haan..so hi rahi thi.." she quickly replied.
" hmm theekh hai phir tu so ja ..koi baat ho toh mera number toh hai tere pass." With that he disconnected the call. Her sparking eyes lost their sheen as she gaped at the receiver. So this was it? she shook her head in dismay. This man was truly impossible!
Dutta with a glass of whiskey in his hand stood by the railing of the terrace gazing at the sea. The moon shone its beam of light down on the water making it sparkle. The waves crashed on the shore. It was a spectacular sight however it failed to hold his interest. He turned around and sat on the lawn chair, stretched his long legs on the table and sipped on to his glass. The smell of coconuts floated in the air along with the odd howling of owls. He glanced down at the dinner tray that he had ordered after coming to the room. He thought he would eat but now he wasn't hungry. He had lost his appetite. It felt strange being away from home, all alone. Although he always preferred solitude but this loneliness didn't please him. Probably at this hour of the day / night he was missing annay a lot. But on second thoughts annay would always be asleep when he returned late from work. Then what was the reason behind this anxiety? Was he missing her? NO his mind screamed loudly. Why would he miss her? who was she in his life? Thinking back to the day he'd fixed her alliance it was mainly because he could feel her pain, she was an orphan like him and he exactly knew what she was going through. She didn't deserve the rebuke from her step sister and the humiliation from the society when her soon to be groom died on her wedding day. Instead she deserved respect and a better life and that was what he had offered by marrying her. However a better life didn't necessarily mean a life where she could be a part of his life. And he did make it clear in absolute cold and brutal words that she could never be his wife. She must have been disappointed and disheartened but he had no other option, he couldn't be a life partner to her. Simply because he didn't wish to share his life with her or for that matter anybody else.
He refilled his glass and leaned back once again. He was glad that people now respected her, she had a house that was hers and someone like annay who was her family. Taking another swig he wished she had completely detached herself from him after he had announced that they were a couple only for namesake. But she didn't. Instead she continued to be a wife, a caring wife who arranged his messy cupboard, took out his night clothes and waited for him for dinner. He drew his brows together, was this the reason why he wasn't eating today because she wasn't around to wait for him? Nah, he brushed the thought aside, this wasn't the first time that he was skipping his meal, post marriage he had done that several times. Even though she had easily slipped into the role of a wife, he never acknowledged or appreciated her efforts. Probably because he didn't expect anything from her, she did everything on her own and also he didn't want to show that these chores affected him. She might try to become an ideal wife but he could never be an ideal husband. She was nothing more than a responsibility for him. A responsibility that he efficiently discharged and closely guarded. His jaws automatically clenched and his grip around the glass hardened when he thought about that Morey. How dare he lay his filthy eyes on her? He swore he would have grabbed Morey's eye balls and pulled them out of their sockets had he gazed at her for another second.
He drained down the contents of the glass and kept it back on the table. Shutting his eyes he firmly believed that this woman, his wife was one feisty person. Nobody absolutely nobody had the guts to question his decisions especially when they were related to his nephew except her. And she not only questioned but also attempted to influence them when failed to alter them. Did he like that about her? Nope. Definitely not in the beginning. However her concern for annay couldn't be ignored. She wasn't right but she wasn't wrong either. Thus he had to find that middle path and take anny for that picnic. In the end it was a nice outing and he was indeed happy to see the little one enjoy himself. The corner of his mouth lifted, well annay was not the only one who had a wonderful evening. Her inhibited laughter had caught his attention as he had never seen her so delighted. She really looked...beautiful.
He snapped open his eyes, where was his heart daring to wander? Putting his legs down he held his head in hands and combed his hair with his fingers. The alcohol was definitely making him loose his senses otherwise he wouldn't have thought about her in that direction. She was nice, sincere and responsible , which was why he felt that he could give her the responsibility of managing the house. The way she handled annay and took care of the household chores just showed that she was no longer an outsider and that she wouldn't let him down. He believed that she would be a good house maker. He had that faith in her but probably she didn't have it in herself and therefore she gave him a hard time in convincing her but it was worth it. Everything was well organized as he had thought. That day she didn't disappoint him instead he was the one who annoyed her and not just annoyed in fact angered her. He had never seen her lose her cool but she did when he was teaching annay ride the bicycle. He wasn't blind that he failed to see the fear of falling down in annay's eyes but that was what he wanted annay to overcome. He wished to see his nephew grow up as a strong and tough lad. Where the fear of failure failed to bog him down. Now was he unreasonable? He didn't think so. However her accusing eyes begged to differ. She didn't agree with him at all and was quite furious with him. He felt that it was not just the bicycle incident that had made her lose her temper, the fact that he didn't allow her to peek in his past had also somewhere upset her.
After letting out a frustrated sigh he stood up and lazily began walking. She was worried for him and curious to know what bothered him so much. She wanted to unveil his past, wished that he revealed his deepest of secrets but he couldn't... he simply couldn't. The dark areas of his life were so ugly and gruesome, he feared that they would swallow her along with him. In the past she had already lead a wretched life and he didn't want to make her present miserable by sharing his painful emotional baggage with her. After all he had married her to give her a better life, a happy one if possible.
Pushing the sliding door aside he went to the bedroom and dropped himself on the bed. He felt the blue file under his arm. He took it in his hand and flipped its pages. The meeting with the suppliers had went off well and it would take him two more days to finalize and make payment for the tractors. After that he would be back home. He was keeping the file on the side table when his mind went back to the day he had returned home to fetch this file from his room and had found dripping wet nakusha standing before him. For a moment he had lost his cool on seeing her in that light colored then transparent sari. The thought that she had roamed around the house in such a state had irked him and he had vowed not to let her wear those pastel colored saris ever again. But when he had found her squirming and shy then he couldn't deny how innocent and timid she'd appeared. He had no idea why he couldn't take his eyes off her. And for the first time he had noticed her. She had delicately drawn features complemented by flawless ivory skin and big expressive green eyes, streaked with strands of black. And when he had leaned over to pick the file, she had shut her eyes. He smirked, what had she been thinking or...expecting? He shook his head, this woman was getting under skin and he couldn't do anything about it. If this was attraction then it would be fatal not just for him but for her too.
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Nakusha adjusted her sari for the fourth time in the day and spent quite a significant amount of time before the mirror. Doing that was by no means an easy task for her but she wanted to do it for...him. She tucked the pleats and smoothed the blue sari with a black border that he had bought for her. She combed her hair again and allowed the loose tendril to fall over the scarred side of her face. After sticking a small red bindi between her brows she smiled at her reflection. She would see him after three days, would he notice her? She felt butterflies in her stomach. Although she didn't wish to pin her hopes high but in her heart she wanted him to throw at her more than a just cursory glance.
The door bell rang and she immediately looked at the wall clock. He was early. Annay had planned a little surprise for him. She hoped he'd like it. But there was a small hitch.
She raced down the stairs and stopped on reaching the hall area. She calmed down her nerves by taking a deep breath. He wheeled in his travelling bag. Turning his head he saw her standing near the sofa. She let out a nervous smile. He stared at her for a long moment then averted his gaze.
" annay." He called out loudly and placed his bag on the sofa and opened it. Bending down he ruffled through his clothes to search something.
" annay kahan hai?" he asked on failing to spot him. He picked up the box that had a toy car. It ran with a remote control, he was sure that his nephew would love it. Nakusha glanced toward the door, why hadn't annay come back? She gulped and replied softly," Woh bahar gaya hai."
" bahar gaya hai ..matlab?" was he in the garden playing but he didn't saw him while coming in.
" bazaar gaya hai." Her words were nothing more than a whisper. Annay wanted to buy something for him and she had tried to stop him but he didn't listen. Moreover both of them had thought that it would take less than an hour and he would be definitely home by the time dutta returned.
Dutta's eyes grew wide in surprise," KYUN?" he didn't wait for her reply and shot her another question," aur tu yahan kya kar rahi hai?...usey akela bhejh diya?" he couldn't believe that this was happening when he was not around. How dare she let annay step out of the house? Nakusha shook her head immediately, she hadn't sent him alone," nahin sahab..woh kaale ke saath gaya hai."
Her answer only fueled his anger. He curled his fingers, flared his nostrils and without warning strode in her direction. Nervously she took a step back but he was still towering over her.
" kiss se pooch kar tune usey kisi aur ke saath bheja..tu khudh nahin ja sakti thi?" he barked on her face forcing her to squeeze her eyes shut. kaale was his confidant, he'd worked for him for years so what was wrong if annay went out with him?
Dutta took out his cell phone and called kaale, it was unreachable.
" ab kaale ka phone bhi nahin lag raha hai..kya karoon main bataa?" she looked at him through lowered lashes and found him gritting his teeth. He was so angry with her. She opened her mouth to explain him but he didn't let her utter a word and continued," tere bharose ..sirf tere bharose main annay ko chod kar gaya ...aur tune kya kiya?" he shook his head in disappointed, he regretted leaving the town, he shouldn't have gone. Tears bloomed in her eyes. She hadn't broken his trust, she wouldn't do that even in her dreams. She knew annay would be back any minute and nothing would happen to him.
" sahab aap chinta mat karo..annay aata hi hoga..kaale hai nah uske saath." At the mention of kaale she found him glaring at her again. The fact that she let annay go out without his permission did upset him but what angered him even more was that she didn't went along with him. He dialed kaale again and was still unable to reach him. He furiously marched out of the house and nakusha silently trotted behind him. He threw a worried gaze over the gate, there were no signs of annay. He couldn't stop himself from glaring at nakusha. He was furious not just with her but with himself too.
" nakusha mujhe tujhse yeh umeed nahin thi..tune bhi dikha diya ki main kisi par bharosa nahin kar sakta." His accusing words pierced through her heart. Never had she thought that her one action would annoy him so much. She shook her head and stepped forward," aisi baat nahin hai sahab..annay ko pass mein hi kaam tha aur main sochi ki yahin ruk kar aapka intezaar karegi.."
He didn't allow her to complete her sentence and smashed down his cell phone shouting," INTEZAAR?"
" kisne kaha tha mera intezaar karne ko?"
" aur kya milta tujhe mera intezaar karke?"
Stunned nakusha lowered her head and stared at the broken pieces of his cell phone. He had shattered not just that lifeless thing but her heart too. Tears of hurt and insult welled up in her eyes. The fact that she was waiting for him, was eager to see him, meant... nothing to him? Once again he had given her a reality check that she meant nothing to him and what was she thinking?
Wiping her tears from the corners of her eyes she looked up and saw him walking toward the gate. He had barely crossed the porch area when she saw beaming annay riding toward him and kaale following him behind. Dutta didn't realize when she left from there, he was only thinking about his nephew. With his hands on his waist he looked up in relief and exhaled. Annay hopped out of the bicycle and ran to him with a small plastic bag in his hand. Stopping before his uncle he waited for him to say something. After all in his absence he had practiced hard with nakusha and learnt how to ride independently. He deserved to be praised, didn't he? Instead he saw him glaring at kaale, he wondered why?
" annay, kya zaroorat thi bahar jaane ki?" hey this was not what he was expecting, nevertheless he lifted his hand and showed him the bag while replying," main apke liye samose aur jalebi lene gaya tha..apko pasand hai nah?" dutta jerked his head, for such a small thing he had gone out?
" koi aur bhi toh la sakta tha ..tu kyun gaya?" he said through clenched teeth while staring at kaale, he would deal with him later.
" haan lekin main cycle pe khudh le kar aaya hoon..aapne dekha nahin?"
Dutta peered down and narrowed his gaze, in his anger he didn't notice that annay had rode the bicycle on his own. That was wonderful but still he wasn't convinced.
" itni der kyun lag gayi?"
" maamu iska tyre puncture ho gaya." Annay made a sullen face while looking at his cycle. Dutta nodded his head and said," andhar jaa." Annay ran inside calling," maami..."
Dutta stepped ahead and clenched his jaws staring hard at kaale before asking," tera phone kyun nahin lag raha tha?" kaale glanced at his cell phone and replied in embarrassment," bhau..iski battery khatam ho gayi thi." Dutta pursed his lips and raised his finger at him," aaj ke baad mujhe annay kabhi bhi ghar ke baahar nazar nahin aana chaiye..samjha?" kaale mutely nodded his head in response.
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Nakusha sat on the floor, her back pressed against the bed. Knees folded close to her chest and arms coiled around them she rested her chin on her knee. His indifference and her stupidity of expecting something from him made her heart miserable. Silent tears kept trickled down her face. As soon as she wiped one drop from her cheek that another one followed. She saw annay standing before her and turned her face away.
" aap ro rahe ho?" he asked moving in the direction that her face had turned. She didn't say anything. He slowly bent down to sit in front of her with the plate of samosa and jalebi in his hands, careful not to spill the chutney or drop anything from the plate. He tilted his head and glanced at her tear stained face. He extended his hand and wiped a tear drop.
" kya hua? Aap ro kyun rahe ho?"
She sniffled and pushed back her tears before saying," kuch nahin." He showed her the plate and said cheerfully," dekho main yeh sab khudh le kar aaya." He was proud that now he could ride a cycle to the market and buy things on his own. She was also happy and proud of him and blinked her eyes in response.
" toh khao nah." He urged. She shook her head and replied," tum khao , mere ko bhookh nahin hai." He took some tamarind chutney on his finger and licked it, letting out a relishing sound.
" sach mein bahut acchi hai..kha kar dekho." He once again extended the plate for her. She moved his hand back and repeated herself," main boli nah mera mann nahin hai..tum jao yahaan se." she pleaded him to leave her alone. She didn't want to eat or say anything.
" thoda sa toh kha lo." He said while pressing her arm. She simply shook her head and dropped it one her knees hiding her face from him. Why was she so upset? He thought she would be happy for him but she wasn't. Reluctantly he stood up from the floor and left the room.
Dutta in his study was trying hard to concentrate on the documents in his hands but wasn't succeeding. Today what happened shouldn't have happened. It came as a shock. Surely it wasn't something that he was expecting on his return. He pressed his aching temples with his fingers and shut his eyes.
" maamu." Annay called him softly and stood with the same plate before him.
" aap toh khaalo." He was disheartened that dutta failed to appreciate that now he could ride his bicycle, he had put in so much of effort to learn when he was not at home. He was expecting to see happiness and pride in dutta's eyes for him but that wasn't there. He had thought they all would have a small tea party when his uncle returned but sadly nobody was celebrating. All that he found after coming back from the market were gloomy faces.
" tune khaya?"
Annay shook his head, how could he have eaten alone? Dutta picked up the samosa and brought it to annay's mouth. His eyes softened, after several months he was feeding annay with his hands. Later annay too held the jalebi for him.
" aapko pata hai maami kitna ro rahi hai?" dutta who had opened his mouth to eat, stopped and turned his face, averting his gaze.
" tu rakh de ..main kha loonga."
What was wrong with both of them? He failed to understand why his maami was crying and why his maamu seemed upset? Had something happened in his absence but they both preferred to remain tight lipped about it. Shaking his head he went out of the study. It was a bad day he concluded.
Dutta leaned in his chair. He accepted that he was rude to her but he wasn't mad for no reason. She wasn't oblivious to the rules he had set for annay and he expected those rules to be followed whether he was around or not. Yes, she genuinely cared about annay, he didn't deny that but that certainly didn't give her the right to overrule him. And now by shedding tears she was trying to make him feel guilty. Annoyance and frustration boiled inside him and he needed some time to himself to calm down.
Later he went back to his room. She was huddled up near the bed with her face covered with her arms.
" nakusha." He called out. She didn't care to lift her head. He cocked an eye brow, she was again choosing to give him a hard time and that too when she was at fault. Releasing an audible sigh he crouched to her level and placed his hand over her shoulder.
" nakusha."
This time she raised her head and looked at him. The hand that was on her shoulder slipped on its own. Her green eyes were swollen and her face was pain stricken. All along he thought and wished to believe that she had let him down, she had broken his trust and she had compelled him to get angry and shout at her. He didn't want to regret his actions. But now...he did.
She looked into his eyes as though searching for something but what, she herself didn't know. Did he have any idea how much his words had wounded her? did her tears bother him? Was he here by any chance to pacify her? Maybe not. Perhaps she was overreacting and expecting way too much from him. After all this was not the first time he had yelled at her, so why would he repent this time?
His mouth opened, perhaps he might just help her in clearing her clogged up mind but he soon closed his mouth, as if he was contemplating on what to say. Really? Did he ever think before speaking? At least not when he was furious.
Finally he dropped his gaze, he couldn't glance into those painful eyes anymore.
" nakusha tu toh jaanti hai ki jab main gusse mein hota hoon toh ..kuch zyada hi bol deta hoon." Probably this would ease her ache, he was offensive because he was extremely mad at her otherwise he was always civil with her, wasn't he? He slowly lifted his lashes to gauge her expressions. She didn't seem convinced, as if what he had said was not new to her, she already knew it and expected more from him. " dekh jab annay ki baat aati hai toh main koi laparvahi bardaasht nahin kar sakta."
She gulped the lump formed inside her throat, he was still accusing her? He still believed that she was careless with annay and that by sending him with kaale she had made a grave mistake? Her eyes ached with hurt. Whenever it came to annay he always disagreed with her. She failed to understand what wrong was she doing by wishing to raise him in a normal healthy atmosphere? Instead of caging him in this house and depriving him of a cheerful childhood where he was forbidden to interact with the outside world if she allowed him to live freely and independently then was she really disappointing her husband and breaking his trust?
" aap uske saath aisa kyun kar rahe ho sahab?"
His dark eyes instantly turned cold and guarded. His lips pursed and jaws clenched. She knew he didn't like her question but she needed an answer. She waited...waited and waited. He didn't reply. She couldn't help but smirk at him. She shook her head in disappointment as she knew what he would do next. Walk out.
Before he could do that and leave her alone with her question hanging in the air, she herself stood up on her two feet to leave and locked herself in the washroom.
Pressing the bathroom countertop with her palms she lowered her head in dismay. She actually meant nothing to him. Her worrying about him meant nothing to him. Her concerns over annay meant nothing to him. In fact in all these weeks nothing had changed between them. He was the same cold and distant man she had married who was adamant on not sharing his pain, anguish and concerns with her. And who simply refused to look beyond himself. Then why on earth he affected her? Why his sorrows twisted her heart? Why his smile brightened her day and why his words meant so much to her? Fresh tears brimmed in her eyes. Why couldn't she be like he expected her to be...indifferent and nonchalant?
Opening the tap she washed away her tears and her face. Drying it with a towel she caught her reflection in the mirror. Someone had said right, she wasn't destined to be liked but to be loathed!
Thanks for reading
Rose
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