The Things That Happen To Me: Part 2.
Today was Mr. Aahil Razaa Ibrahim's Birthday, and Mrs. AAhil Razaa Ibrahim wished him with a cake. I don't know how long this will take to sink in. The man I wanted to avoid at all costs- whose very presence in a room makes me uneasy...well, I ended up marrying the very same man- by a twist of fate. Now I know why fate is accompanied by the surname cruel'!
Nikah- yeh sirf ek lafz nahi hai mere liye...yeh umr bhar ka vaada hai...
Yet here I am - being party to the mockery some people make of this holy institution. When Begum Sahiba put forward this proposition...I was not in a position to refuse. She had appeared like an angel out of nowhere to save my Badi Ammi, and demanded my life in return.
My life... for everything I have loved and lived for! It was a heavy price. And I am appalled that someone of her stature could even think of something like this...I guess she was sacrificing her ideals too, for the sake of her family...I don't know how much I can blame her for this.
My mind went numb from the time I agreed to her. How did I agree? Was I in a trance? Why did I trade myself? Was it for Badi Ammi? Or did I do it for the kind hearted Begum Sahiba who was begging me, in spite of having me indebted to her...
Or was it...Aahil Razaa Ibrahim himself? Did i feel I owed him something...at least for the many times he has saved my life...
Qubool Hai'- It must have been so easy for him, in spite of the initial shock and indignation...afterall, this was just three months in his life!But he bought my entire life with those three months he agreed to put up with me.
Nikah- The most awaited day in a girl's life...mine turned out to be the worst day ever. What expectations can I have of a marriage that is only a business deal for my hu...for Nawab Aahil Razaa Ibrahim!
Deal! Yes deal'- that is the only social equation he knows. I baked him a cake...because it was his birthday. And he wants to know my motive...what my deal is!
Deal! I wish I had forgotten the day like the rest of the world. But how could I? Sigh...It is a special day for me too. Amongst all this confusion and turmoil, I wanted him to smile. That's all I had wanted! But, no! He wants to make it all a business deal! He dragged me into another argument- exposing the ugly truth that is the foundation of our nikah...
It is true that I try to reconcile with the fact that there is no love in this marriage. But it becomes even more painful to bear when he keeps rubbing it in my face.He is unfair, as always! He picks on my weakness- makes me look opportunistic...when he is happily blind to the fact that he himself could have avoided this disaster...by refusing me.I suppose three months is a small price to pay when you have an inheritance worth billions, at stake. And he wavers. He tries his best to be nice to me (a very poor best, but I guess that is his best',considering what he is actually), but then, reality gets the better of him, and he is back to taunt me...hurt me.
This nikah- it has cleaved me into a thousand different pieces and scattered me all over. I find it increasingly difficult to gather mysef...
I miss Badi Ammi.
I miss Haya.
I miss the old me.
The old me- who was in control of herself...who had the confidence to face the future...
Now...I am not sure of myself.
His gaze pierces through me and glares right at my soul, searching for answers to questions I do not understand.
How much ever I try to contain it, my heart leaps up ...when he is around.
I cannot explain the emotion I felt when he broke my roza. It was so beautiful- it felt good to belong to someone for a moment, however scripted it was. When it came to my turn, I trembled...He looked so majestic, so magnificient- the Nawab that he is!
How can I be in awe and hatred of the same person?
How can he be furious and tender with me, at the same time?
Am I a fool to look for these answers? I am already trapped in a marriage of convenience...I don't want to go through the added heart break of knowing I may have fallen for someone who can never love me back. Anyway, Love is supposed to be a beautiful feeling...not something that makes you feel so depressed and desperate. I will be better off, if I can learn to mind my own business...
... but how can you not wish the best for that rare glimpse of an adorable boy you see in a man...The happiness on his face until he realised I had been the one to surprise him!...Heaven and Hell happened to me over a split second!
A greater hell awaits me, at the end of these three months. I know this about me- I can only commit to one person my entire life...and that has happened!
https://www.indiaforums.com/forum/qubool-hai/4097047/sanam-the-things-that-happen-to-me-july-15
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