If Bollywood directors directed 'Dawn of the planet of the apes'

If Bollywood directors directed "Dawn of the planet of the apes"

1. Karan Johar

It would be a cloyingly romantic love-triangle between Caesar, Cornelia and Koba, interspersed with some scenes wherein Caesar and Koba pretend to be gay and in love with each other.

The movie would feature a nice disco song with the three of them painting a pub red (in which Kajol would make a guest appearance as herself), followed by another song where Cornelia would set the stage on fire, decked in Manish Malhotra ape designer wear including ghungroos, choodis and payals, shaking her legs to Farah Khan's steps.

As the story progresses, however, things would get complicated with Caesar ending up on his death bed. In a tearful climax, Caesar would unite Koba and Cornelia, requesting Koba to take good care of her.

Years later, Koba and Cornelia would give birth to a baby ape and no prizes for guessing what they'll name him - Caesar.

Oh, and the movie will be titled "Kabhi Bandar kabhi insaan"

2. Mahesh Bhatt

First things first. The movie would be an A-rated movie, featuring a series of bold, erotic sex scenes between the newly married Cornelia and Caesar. Soon, things would go downhill with Cornelia starting an affair with Koba behind Caesar's back.

Another set of passionate love-making scenes would follow, with one scene testing the limits of Indian censors. Finally, the story would progress with a livid Caesar confronting and killing Koba.

Unable to cope with her guilt, Cornelia would shoot herself. A distraught Caesar would follow suit, with nothing more to look forward to in life. While we're not sure if this may be the final story or if there may be a story at all, but we can very safely confirm the sex scenes.

(Base image via moviepilot.com)

3. Sajid Khan

Again, deriving the story is an impossible task, but rest assured, you will see Caesar wearing a pink bra and a white skirt and dancing with Cornelia and Koba on a beach. Koba will be wearing a blouse and a towel by the way.

Caesar will don a long wig of straight hair, while Koba will put on a curly-haired, bob-cut wig. The movie will be titled "Hum Bandars." Enough said. We do not want to add anything more.

4. Ram Gopal Varma

The movie will almost entirely be shot in the dark, with hardly any lighting. Blurry, swift camera angles will show dark paths in the forest leading to Caesar's house. An explorer, Nisha Kothari, will go in to the forest with a torch that will stop working. She will only be guided by the moonlight.

As she slowly trembles and walks ahead, inch by inch, looking here and there, a roaring Caesar will suddenly drop his head down in front of her, hanging down from a tree. A petrified Nisha will scream and escape into hiding, where she will be confronted by giant spiders, snakes and what not.

She will take out a knife and slice the arachnids into pieces, with lot of blood spurting out and spilling everywhere. More such gory, gruesome and chilling scenes will follow. Somewhere, though, the movie will feature an item number with Urmila Matondkar dancing with all the apes.

5. Rohit Shetty

Caesar, Cornelia and Koba would be a dreaded gang of thieves stealing from humans constantly. An inspector, Ajay Devgan, would be commissioned to end this menace. He would zoom into the forest with a number of SUVs.

However, his plans would go haywire, as the apes would blow up all the SUVs. Realizing that the apes are stealing only from the corrupt, in the end, Devgan would let go of them and go back to the city.

6. Abbas-Mastaan

The movie will be an exact remake of the original English version, only, with more twists than a piece of rotini pasta. Caesar will be a good guy in one scene only to transform into a bad guy out to destroy Koba in the very next scene. So Koba then is presented as the good guy but after another twist is revealed to be the real bad guy, making Caesar the good guy again.

In the mother of all twists, Cornelia is revealed to be the main villain. Caesar and Koba kill her and then it is revealed that Caesar and Koba are in fact the villains.

7. Anurag Kashyap

The movie will be a super realistic gang-war between Caesar's faction and Koba's faction, with Caesar and Koba hurling gaalis at each other at a speed of 10 gaalis per minute. In the end, both factions die, leaving Cornelia orphaned and hence, turning to crime herself. Cornelia's story will be emphasized on, in the movie's sequel. Anurag will be a terribly disheartened man if this movie doesn't make it to the Oscars.

8. Prabhu Deva

Koba will be the gang-leader among the apes and a sort of a goon. Cornelia will be his soft-natured sister, who despises Koba for his rowdy-like ways. One day, Caesar will come to the forest and be confronted by Koba's apes. An ugly war will begin, with Caesar daring to defy Koba. Caesar and Cornelia will fall in love. Koba will set out to kill Cornelia, but will get killed by Caesar, who will take over as king ape of the jungle.

Along the way, Caesar and Cornelia will groove to some hardcore dappankoothu songs, with Caesar bending his body like none other to Prabhu Deva's complex steps.

9. Ashutosh Gowariker

The movie will be four hours long, replete with years and years of research over apes and their evolution and how Caesar, in a mighty war, managed to overcome all the odds and defeat the humans. The movie will have yet another set of period songs by AR Rahman with thumping BGMs.

10. David Dhawan

The movie will be titled "Bandar No. 1, starring Varun Dhawan, Alia Bhatt, Govinda, Satish Shah and Johny Lever. The gang led by Varun will set out into the forest to capture Caesar and the other apes, providing the pretext for Dhawan to introduce a sequence of slapstick comedy scenes.

Later, they will discover that they have been asked to capture the apes for dreaded poacher Shakti Kapoor, who also has Alia, Satish Shah and Lever in captivity. A hilarious climax will ensue with apes teaming up with Varun and Govinda to defeat Shakti Kapoor and release the others in the gang.