My another attempt at reviewing another worlds best movie Dil Bole Haddipa.
What happens is usually bollywood pick up a very well reviewed foreign film to copy it. Most of the times they fail e.g. Players, Naina, Bichhoo, etc. Then some actually works e.g. Mohabbtein, Chachi 420, murder, etc.
I really don't know what Yash Raj was thinking when they took a movie Bend it like beckham which was pretty shit and remade it changing the sport. Its not like Cricket movies have been successful in India that it was a risk wroth taking. However, Yah Raj were pretty confident of their actress Rani Mukherjee that they asked her to loose tons of weight for this movie. Hats off to her, she reduced 9kgs something. Lets see if this movie is any good?
The movie starts with Rani challenging a Ranji bowler that she can hit 6 sixes of his six deliveries. An arrogance that would even put Sourav Ganguly to shame. If this wasn't enough we are told she can bat with both right as well as left hand.
Sure enough 6 sixes are hit just like that. Rani then goes on comparing how she is similar to Sachin Tendulkar in all senses. Wait, so a village idiot who has never played a competitive cricket match in her whole life is saying she is as talented as Sachin Tendulkar. Didn't people get up and throw tomatoes at the screen?
Next we cut to one of the most illogical premise in the movie. We find out two friends one residing in India- Anupam and another in Pakistan- Lucky organises cricket matches amongst each other once every year. They call it India vs Pakistan. W*F? So two guys who have nothing to do with government organise such a match just like that? Media too give them coverage? Are they serious? Also how can the players cross the border? Don't they know getting Pakistan visa for Indians and India visa for Pakistani is so very difficult. My friend visited Pakistan on a business trip and he went through hell to just acquire a visa. You are going into another country to do something which surely would ignite tensions and you are granted visa.
Match ends and Pakistan defeats India badly. I mean there is no even competition. The match is more like Australia in its prime vs Ukraine. Why even bother coming Anupam?
We find out that a guy named Rohan is an awesome cricketer and he is working on his way to play for England Cricket team. You know because thats how awesome he. Not everybody is as lucky as Akshay Kumar to just get selected randomly.
Rohan gets a call from his dad anupam who apparently has a heart attack. He says he is coming to India. We are shown a very complicated family moment. Rohan's mother hasn't seen anupam in million years. Rohan hasn't seen anupam in 10 years. Yet he is so close to him. I mean this guy Anupam pays lakhs of rupees to his worthless team players for a match which doesn't matter but doesnt have money to buy a return ticket to London.
We further learn that Anupam lied to his son that he got a heart attack so that Rohan could come and visit him. Father of the year guys.
Some random scenes later, we get to some serious business. The real reason Anupam called Rohan is because he wants him to lead his local team to victory. Right so you are telling me, Rohan a talented cricketer who has a bright chance to make into England team is asked to stay in India for 6months so that he can train some local village people to play a stupid cricket match which is watched by 30odd villagers?
Rohan announces that there are going to be selections for the new team for the first time. So I guess Anupam was just picking up random people to play in his team. No doubt we were losing all the time. Had he acted little wisely and kept try outs then we would have having Rohan as England Captain today and not Sturat Broad. Rani finds out about the try outs and goes mad
But alas KLPD
So Rani dresses as a boy to play in the team. Right, so yah raj films asked rani to work hard to get the curves at right places so she can look more like a girl. Then they make her play boy in the movie. Only in bollywood
time to see how a typical village boy looks like
and if this wasn't enough, they don't even bother with the voice. Its exactly like the girl rani voice.
So boy-rani misbehaves in the tryouts. Her behaviour was like a 3yr old kid. For some reason she found a guy getting bowled so amusing that she started dancing and singing. Rohan didnt take that too well and says first rule of cricket is respect other players. Gautam Gambhir, are you listening? boy- rani issues a challenge of 6 sixes in 6 balls and gets bowled. Very surprising, given how talented she is like Sachin Tendulkar.
Rohan tells boy-rani to fu*k off because thats how you do your team selection. Any player that gets bowled cant be in the team. Why isn't Indian cricket team selected like this? But boy-rani being boy-rani cries like a bitch and begs in most girlish voice to take her in the team.
Rohan given no two shits but his dad Anupam uses some cheat code and appears in the pitch from nowhere. He says boy-rani is only player who wants to play for his team and not money, so lets take him in the team. Ab baap see kahn zubaan ladaye.
Some totally irrelevant sub-plots later we are shown few scenes where boy-rani and rohan are becoming friends while practicing.
Meanwhile love between Rohan and girl-rani is also blooming
Another character, Sherlyn chopra who does nothing but wears bikini with burberry scarf is shown to have lust feelings for Rohan. I mean why won't a hot girl who is the only Indian to model for Playboy fall for a cricket capitan of a local village team. She and boy-rani gets into some argument.
Finally a scene where we can give standing ovation. Since last 1hr we are getting tortured by Rani's overacting, non stop shit talking, kiddish behaviour. This act by sherlyn chopra is a lord sent gift to us.
boy-rani runs away. Where you may ask? Well logically it would make sense if she runs away to home and not be near the pitch because her beard and everything is properly ruined. She will need to buy a new set of disguise. But because her IQ is in negative and she is an idiot, she goes to mens locker room, gets naked and starts taking a shower. You know because why would the players want to use mens locker room. Its not like the first place they would go after they return from practice. Moreover there is no need to lock the shower room. I am such an exhibitionist.
Its intermission. So I guess the story is out in open. Rohan has caught rani red handed and discovered she is cross dressing to play in the game. But no wait, Rani is all able to talk her way out of this. Wait so you are telling us, Rohan immediately followed boy-rani when he went into mens locker room. Didn't see him going out. As he enters he finds out that boy-rani's sister is in the locker room. Even a person with IQ of 1 can put all the dots together and tell that rani is lying from her teeth. She and boy-rani is the same person. How can someone be so so stupid?
So Rohan now knows rani is boy-rani's brother. He goes and tells boy-rani to arrange a nice hot steaming fu*k session with rani for him. You know because brothers are pimps.
They go on a date
We cut through some more stupid songs and scenes and learn that Anupam has realised that rani's lust can stop Rohan from returning back to England. So like any other dad would do, he pays Rani to marry rohan and keep him in India. Right guys, Rohan whose whole life's dream is to play cricket for England has a chance to make it in the team but Anupam wants Rohan to stay in village and do kheeti-baadi. Seriously what kind of father is Anupam?
Finally we are taken to the match. Indians are blowing first and are playing extremely well.
But suddenly something happens. Rohan sees a contact lense
Rohan realises rani and boy-rani is one person. HOLD ON HOLD ON HOLD ON. So rohan can see that
1) boy-rani has a girlish voice
2) boy-rani wears makeup
3) boy-rani has boobs
4) boy rani wears lose clothes to hide her true figure
5) boy-rani has a sister whose height, voice, facial features is exactly like rani but they are not twins
6) boy-rani and rani are never together at the same time
7) rani has been seen in mens lockers room bathing where boy-rani went
yet, yet, yet its the colour contact lenses which even boys wear gave her away.
So Rohan is insanely pissed. I mean like so so mad that someone took his kidneys. He loses his plot. Now because captain is pissed the whole team starts giving away the runs. No one knows whats going on but for some reason we are supposed to believe that because Rohan is upset Pakistan scored 167 in next 10 overs. Seriously good for England such a selfish and useless guy didnt make it in their team.
With such an immense target and useless team, Rohan can easily put this matter to sort it out later but no. He wants to punish rani right there and then. How does he punish rani? By making his dad- Anupam suffer.
So Rohan doesn't allow Rani to bat. I mean doesnt he know she is Sachin Tendulkar material? Indians starts giving away wickets like its an underarm match. Seriously these guys shouldn't even play cricket in the first place and they are paid lakhs for such crap? Also what kind of team did Rohan put together? Well in the 6months he only practiced with boy-rani and ignored the rest of the team so he gets what he deserves. I think Rohan swings both the ways but more towards the gay side. He however has one hardcore fantasy, him with brother and sister. Anyways, this is his how his team has played so far
165 runs needed in 10overs with 1 wicket in hand. Seriously, his team was better without him in the first place
For no apparent reason, Rohan has change of heart and allows rani to bat. Well inside he himself thought what a big loser he is. Inspite of wasting 6 months and being a international cricketer material, he cant even get his team to 50runs. So instead of embarrassing himself he decides to take help of female sachin tendulkar and let bygones be bygones.
my version of bandhe hain hum poem from Dhoom 3
Rohan tells rani that he is just letting her bat because of his dad. Like they say Mushkil Waqt Me Gadhe Ko Bhi Baap Banana Parta Ha Yar.
So rani wins the match for India, given how sachin tendulkar like talented she is. She does something which even sachin cant i.e. bats the innings from both right and left hand.
Rohan being an idiot that he is reveals in front of everybody that boy-rani is a girl. I mean not a single person other than him had to do anything with this. Why would people even bother? Wont they call you and your dad a big cheater for pulling a stunt like this. What is even the need to tell the world? Finally after 9 years his dad is happy but Rohan cant see his dad being happy. Like father like son. Both pretend in front of each other but both are out there to destroy each other.
so just removing a moustache refreshes a girls make up completely. It gives her lipstick, hair with curly ends. I mean why do girls waste hours in beauty parlour. Just buy a fake moustache, apply it and remove it. Tada, you are ready.
Time for the most illogical and the worst speech ever. If you think hritik's yadeein speech sucked, then this one takes the cake. Rani tells them how it is their fault that there is no womens team in her village. How a girl who is at par with sachin has to work in kitchen and not allowed to live her dream. You know that is what is wrong with this country. Everybody wants things handed to them. Rani won't do little leg work and find out about the womens team which exists in the nation. She won't research as to how to get there. She won't move into a big city to join a womens cricket club and try to make her way into the team. She will just stand here and blame all the innocent villagers because she is too lazy to do any work. She will just keep dreaming everyday and complaint that she can never play for India because she is a women. I mean SERIOUSLY?
How to show that the speech was well received? Get the leader of opposition clap first.
All in all a very very very bad movie. Horrible acting by everybody. Rani could have been good if she didnt behave so kiddish. It was cringeworthy to watch in places. So many jokes used were so old and so bad. The premise could have been improved. The cricket match was very boring. Shahid was shown as a complete dick who had a horrible attitude and always talked down to people.
I think they tried to mix several things in the movie
- Indo-pak relationship
- Women empowerment
- So fulfilling his dad's dream
- Cricket
- how to eat shit and sallow
If you liked this then you can also see some of my previous ones
Jai Ho- http://www.india-forums.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=4052541
Dhoom 3- http://www.india-forums.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=4050255
Krrish 3- http://www.india-forums.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=4052913
Desh Drohi- http://www.india-forums.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=4049445
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