You know how they always show, in the movies, that the hero was originally getting married to another girl but the heroine came in the picture and the other girl had to let the hero go to be with the heroine because she knew that there was no way the hero would look at her that way and the heroine is actually a way better match with the hero? Yeah, that happened in my life. Except the problem was that I ended up being the "other girl" who had to let the hero go so he could be with the heroine. How did it all happen? Well, even I would like to know that. We were together for three years and we were happy, or so I thought. Except, I never saw him looking at me with the same expression as he did the girl who came in the picture just two months before our wedding. Turns out, the reason was that I was always pretty demanding and he needed someone who would accept him for who he is and what he wanted. Alright. I guess it was fair enough. You know what they say about finding things? Better late than never.
I was devastated though. It was heartbreaking when that happened to me. Heck, a side of me still mentally slapped myself when I stopped the wedding and let him go because I knew that he would never stop this wedding for the fear of breaking my heart. It was really awful after he left the wedding mandap because I had to gulp my tears down and smile to let everyone know that the wedding was off. It became even worse when I heard people gossiping behind my back - even people who were supposed to be close to me. However, the worst thing was the worried looks that I used to receive from my close family members in secret. They used to think that I never realized. Well, at least I was never meant to. But I did. I wasn't a psychology major, on top of my classes, for nothing - I could read people well.
This lead to me doing something that I would never ever recommend my patients - masking my emotions. The problem with masking my emotions was that I was bottling them up and the sadness had become stagnant and turned into anger. Initially, I was a pretty calm person at least when dealing with strangers. However, when I bottled everything up, I started snapping at everyone and everything. Of course, when my family would be around, I acted like everything was same as before. But that was slowly becoming difficult as well. So, I decided that there was only one way to stop from hurting - stop caring.
Yes, it was difficult at first but it slowly became easy to stop caring so much about people. What you don't care much about can't really hurt you. I decided to just accept that I was a demanding person and move on instead of trying to find flaws and change myself. It was easier that way. But people didn't see it that way. They looked at me with disdain when I said that their work wasn't good enough or that they need better treatment method for the patient. I rarely even had anyone shadowing me because they were scared of my criticism. This was all well and fine with me because it was just one less thing to care about.
Just when I thought my life was carefree and adjusted, he came bustling in like a tornado - in a dance class that I mentored as a stress-buster. At first, I didn't pay attention to him because I felt like he was just like the other social-welfare kind-of people. He was always nice and sweet to everyone while being ever so charming. He was the first person in class to ask questions and not be deterred by my strict attitude. He prompted others to do the same. I did appreciate that, but I didn't need that - I didn't exactly want to feel included anyways. I mentored the class for few weeks until the friend of mine that I was substituting for came back. As much as I had enjoyed being with the class, I knew that it was time for me to leave. Now, even though it was hard to admit, I was actually going to miss the easy-going Swayam Shekhawat because of his nature - so accepting and always ready to help. Those were the two traits I always valued in a human being.
It wasn't until two years later that I saw him again. At that point in life, I had tugged him in some corner of my mind as a happy memory and left it at that. I was a lot calmer and began to heal a little. Initially I would have never admitted it, but those dance classes gave me a reason to smile and look at life with a little more positivity. It wasn't much but it was a process for me where I could begin to heal. However, the situation I met him under weren't so ideal. I still remember my father forcing me to come to a home party at one of our mansions in Goa, which I refused to be a part of. Because of this, my father had said that he would let this go if I would meet with a friend of his. At that time I was too frustrated to think much of anything and I had agreed.
The first time I met Shekhawat Uncle, I was charmed by his attitude to life. He was such a nice man to talk to - so full of life and enthusiasm. He still had dreams that he didn't have any qualms in chasing. He was a side of me that I had left behind years back and I was just so mesmerized by that. He often talked fondly of his son and his late wife. Since he was such a darling of a person, I had agreed to meet with his son. This is when I got the biggest shock of my life. His son was no one other than the guy known as lover boy' Shekhawat back at the dance academy.
I still remember his expression when he saw me after two years: it was a slow, indulging smile. That expression was gone as soon as it came and his features had hardened right after. I had looked at him, confused, because I had no idea what that meant. Of course, I was polite though. I had greeted him respectfully and chatted with him from time to time so his father doesn't feel like I was being rude. However, I wasn't getting the same response back from him. He only answered when he needed to and he was awfully quiet most of the times when we were chatting.
When I was leaving, he had waved me goodbye with a small smile that didn't even reach his eyes. For some strange reason, that had hit a raw nerve. I had dwelled on the possible reasons for the change in his behavior. I still am not sure why but I just couldn't let it go so easily. Perhaps it was because I really found his positive attitude and enthusiastic outlook on life very refreshing. Perhaps I found his sincere comments and helpful gestures something a world is in much need for. Whatever the reason was, it still didn't stop my determination to find the reason for his behavior.
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Sorry for any typos as I just typed this up in a hurry! Please do let me know how it was.
Ciao,
Jiya
Seher Hone Ko Hai
Cricket
Ganga Mai Ki Betiyan
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