||~ The Sunshine of My life #3 AsYa FF ~|| Next thread link Page 146 - Page 72

Zoya bit back another gasp, feeling Asad's soft and tender fingers roving on her scarred arm. They stood rooted, locked into each other's eyes, their lips just an inch away. Instinctively her arms went around his neck and rested at his scalp, fingering his hair,"Asad !" she whispered..Asad who had been lost in the moment, jerked out of the stance feeling her touch around him. Retreating a little he eyed how close they were. Feeling him move back Zoya awkwardly pulled her arms away from around him and stared into his eyes dubiously.

Asad looked at her blankly, gradually moving his hand away from her arm, suddenly leaving her with a feeling of being exposed and abandoned.

"Mr Khan?" She muttered unsurely.

"Miss Farooqui, you should change.. I'll wait outside for you.." Asad stated bluntly and left the washroom in an instant.

Zoya let out a sigh, releasing her breath she hadn't realised she was holding and leaned against the door," What just happened?" she thought.

She changed at the slowest speed she could, hoping Asad would have left by the time she would get out, she was sure he would have. She was pleasantly surprised when she found him in the room, sitting with his head bent. Realising her presence he got up from the bed, awkward and unable to look in her eyes.

"Miss Farooqui, will you be okay? I remember I had to do some work," Asad said, his voice devoid of the care and concern he had showered on her before.

"Yes.. yes Mr Khan.. I'll be.. be fine, you don't need to be here," Zoya said hiding her disappointment and hurt.

Asad walked over to her and ushered her to the bed, wanting to help her in, raising Zoya's hopes. She smiled, but unsurely and let him lead her. Assured she was resting he dimmed the lights in the room and without a word walked out her room shutting the door behind him.

***************

Asad barged into his room, and shut the door with a bang. Dumbfounded he sat on the couch, his head blasting.

How did things get so far? How did he let them go so far? He was going to kiss Zoya, they had almost come close to doing so. They had been so taken in by the moment that he hadn't realised how he had crossed a line.

Her scars had shaken him, exposed her true self to him. All the pain she had undergone all these years was embed on her in form of those bruises. Those scars had definitely jolted him but not because he was disgusted but because he had come to respect and admire her even more than before. And his heart had swelled with an unknown emotion, the kind he had been questioning over the last few days. And that feeling had been so strong that he hadn't realised anything after they took him over.

He didn't think he had realised anything he had been doing or saying in the last few days. His own words echoed in his mind. He had told her she wasn't allowed to make him feel lifeless, that she wasn't allowed to walk alone when she had him with her, he had asked her not to ever leave her and go away?

How lifeless he had been when he had seen her so fragile, bleeding and unconscious. How he had behaved in the hospital as if she had been hanging between life and death. He had proclaimed her to be HIS in front of the entire orphanage. He had promised her he would be besides her forever.

Why had he said all those things to her? Why did he feel so incomplete and lonely when he had thought he had lost her today? Why had been so terrified having witnessed her in that state? And why did life suddenly feel complete in every moment he spent with her, every time he saw her bond with Aahana, his family as if it were hers, why did her pain stir him to such an extent that his eyes misted and heart cried for her every time, when it had taken him years to cry over his own ache. Why did it all feel perfect in that moment when they were bonded together, his arms around her, his lips on her bruises healing her and when she had called him by his name for the very first time.

It scared him how he had come to realise that the feelings arousing within him for Zoya were so pristine, so different, and the first time he had ever felt them.

He had unconsciously begun comparing Zoya to Ayesha every instant, and was left wondering why he never felt for Ayesha what he felt within him for Zoya. He had felt blissful in Zoya's proximity, it hadn't felt wrong then; it didn't feel wrong now. WHY?

Was he falling in love with her? Or had he already completely and irrevocably fallen in love with Zoya Farooqui?

His heart swelled with a beautiful emotion, urging him to cherish the realisation. His lips wanted to form into a smile, his eyes wanted to water with happiness... but nothing happened, he sat there numbly not knowing how to react.

Asad Ahmed Khan and fall in love? He hadn't thought he had it in him to give or receive it. But he had still dared to form a bond of promises and companionship with Ayesha. It had always felt that it was the rightist thing to do. Marry someone who knew him for his every good and bad, his every high and low, and whom he had known all life, from the days when neither realised what a marriage or love meant. Their relation had merely earned a tag when they had married but it had grown stronger and had won a new meaning when Aahana had been conceived. They had been friends, then husband and wife and then to be parents.

But with Zoya it had been an entirely different story. She had been a stranger, then someone he wanted to know better, someone who had selflessly showered him with so much care, concern and understanding, and who had become a part of his life, a friend and a confidant. Her being with him in his house in his life had all been destiny's plan.. Did it mean?... NO! He berated himself, what he was thinking, what his mind was urging him to understand had to be blocked aside, had to end, he couldn't let all of this go beyond it already had. He couldn't do this to himself... and most importantly he couldn't do all this to Zoya..

*************

Zoya lay awake on her bed, staring into the dark that surrounded her. It almost felt like her life, which was left in the dark. She thought over the moments spent with Asad that day. She had seen the fear in his eyes when she had been hurt, his concern for her had taken a new level, his words had bedazzled her. His acceptance of her with the ugly bruises on her arms had suddenly made them feel beautiful, something she hadn't thought she would feel about them. He had made her feel needed, loved and worshipped. It had seemed like all the barriers had been pushed down, all walls had been broken, and they had come so close, that she could read his eyes unabashed. She had seen in them the love, she had desired he reciprocate, she had read his feelings in every word he said, feelings she craved for him to express.

But just one moment, merely one moment had taken away everything from her. Why had he moved back? Why had be hidden himself back again? Why had the walls risen again and why had he walked away? Did he love her? Or had he suddenly realised how big a mistake it was to have gotten so close to her in the first place? Was it because she had exposed a part of herself he wouldn't have liked to see? But what about what she saw in his eyes? And what she had felt in his words. He had told her she wasn't allowed to leave him and go away, but why had he? Her head throbbed as her nerves knotted in confusion and she shut her eyes trying to sleep it away.

**************

Sunlight seeped in through the magnetic white windows of Asad's room, falling on the figure slouched on the ground with his head resting uncomfortably on the settee above him.

Dilshad entered the room to find him sleeping on the floor and rushed to him..

"Asad?" Utho Asad?" Dilshad patted his shoulders urgently to wake him, worried if he was fine seeing him in that state.

"Zoya" Asad said waking up from his slumber and looked around dazed.

Dilshad smiled at his words, happy at the change, as if she had felt some sort of acceptance in them and sat down next to him on the floor. Feeling his mother around Asad automatically turned to her and lay his head in her lap and kept her hand on his head.

Understanding his unsaid words, Dilshad fingered his hair tenderly," Kya baat hai Asad? What's the matter? Aise neeche kyun so rahe the?"

"Kuch nahi Ammi, bas aise hi.." Asad said with his eyes yet closed.

"Asad apni Ammi se aaj tak koi baat nahi chupai hai tumne, even if you don't tell me I can sense it.."

"Maine kaha na Ammi kuch nahi hai, aapko kyun lagta hai koi problem hai?" Asad repeated, sounding a little annoyed.

"Maine kab kaha problem hai, maine toh bas poocha kya baat hai? A man who wakes up at 6 in the morning, goes for his jog and work out, eats breakfast by 9 and is out of the house by 9 30 is sleeping till 11.. toh kuch toh baat hogi na," Dilshad said taking a teasing tone.

"It's 11? Aap log abhi aaye, Aanu kaha hai? Zoya... woh theek hai na.." Asad ranted finally alert and got up from his Ammi's lap.

"Zoya? Zoya ko kya hua hai Asad?" Dilshad immediately felt worried but Asad stared away and shut his eyes as the thoughts from previous night flashed through his mind over and over again.

"Asad! Mai kuch pooch rahi hun," he broke out hearing the sternness in her tone.

Asad divulged everything that had happened the day before leaving Dilshad shocked," Ya Allah woh theek toh hai na Asad? Mai dekh kar aati hun.."

"Nahi Ammi rukiye, raat ko bahut dair se soyi hai, she had her medicine and needs rest, baad mai jayega," Asad blurted out his concern for her even though he had been trying hard to restrain it.

Dilshad stood back and nodded, and a soft smile spread over her face again, noticing the urgency and anxiety in his tone.

"Toh kal darr gaye the?" Dilshad inquired as she sat next to him on the couch

Asad's face whipped to his right and he stared at his Ammi appallingly, but reformed his expression immediately.

"Mai kyun darunga?" Asad asked offhandedly.

"Haan tum kyun daroge? After all Zoya toh bas ek guest hi hai.. hai na?"

"Aisa nahi hai Ammi, of course I was concerned, but I was sure she'll be fine.. she's a brave girl," Asad lied, assuring himself more that he cared less.

"Hmm you're right. Actually agar tum uss tak nahi pahunchte, she would be fine I am sure. Kabhi na kabhi koi na koi toh us room mai jaata hi. I am sure she would ha.."

"Ammi? Ye aap kya keh rahi hai? Someone was obviously trying to harm her, had I not reached there in time someone else would have and she wouldn't probably be back with us today or she would have been injured or hurt worse than what she has been now..." Asad rambled in fury at his Ammi's words.

Dilshad smiled secretly," I know Asad, par tumne hi kaha na, she would have been fine, so I assumed all this didn't come across to you at that point.."

"Of course it did Ammi. You don't know how many times I've prayed to Allah to return my Zoya to me, how many times I broke down and gathered myself in those few moments. It had merely been a few minutes of her having gone lost, but I felt lifeless, incomplete... What if I had never found her? What if she had hurt herself worse? What would I..." Asad halted suddenly and shut his eyes, realising what he had revealed.

He got up from the couch and walked away towards Ayesha's portrait and stood right in front of it with his arms crossed, jaw tight and eyes ablaze.

Dilshad sighed and walked up to him," So you love her... " she said patting his shoulder.

And he stood silently, his eyes on Ayesha but mind elsewhere.

"Maine kuch poocha Asad? You love her!" She stated, not questioning anymore.

"No I don't.. you're mistaken.."

"Really?.. Then why do you look like the way you do right now. Why does it seem that this incident has affected you more than it has affected Zoya too?" Dilshad questioned.

"I am just tired Ammi.." Asad evaded her queries.

"Tired of what? Fighting your feelings?" Dilshad retorted.

"What feelings Ammi, there are NO feelings.." Asad's voice quivered.

"Acha? Phir kyun itna fark padta hai ki Zoya mile ya na mile, why did you feel so lifeless and incomplete when she was merely away for a few minutes. You do know she's here only for a while, and it's a matter of sometime before she leaves India... all of us, and you..." Dilshad stated bluntly staring into his eyes with a determination.

"Ammi!" Asad yelled and finally turned to look at her. But one look into hers and he read his own self in her eyes.

"Asad kab tak ladoge? Till when are you going to fight yourself, your chance to live a better life? Leave your past behind you Asad, and hold onto what life is offering to you.." Dilshad urged him.

But Asad didn't reply, he just turned away and stared at Ayesha. Dilshad turned with him and looked at Ayesha too.

"Is this because of her Asad? Are you making Ayesha a pawn to defend your insecurities? Don't say yes because if you do, you'll be insulting Ayesha and her love for you.."

"Ammi?.." Asad stared at her incredulously.

"I am not lying Asad. I've always wanted that you move on, get married, get settled again, and have a complete life. But you kept running away and kept hiding behind the fact that you didn't have it in you to love again. But tell me Asad, have you felt love before? The kind you feel for Zoya now?" Dilshad grilled him touching a raw nerve.

"I always loved Ayesha Ammi, and you know it.."

"You loved her because she was your friend, you loved her because she was your wife, and you loved her because she gave birth to your daughter. But did you fall in love with her Asad? Tell me?"

And Asad stood speechless, the questions he had been asking himself stood answered.

"Nahi Asad tumne jo Ayesha ke liye feel kiya woh pyaar nahi tha. You both grew up together, spending each moment of your life together like a family. It was an obvious fact that whenever you marry it would be with her. You never got the chance to fall in love with her Asad, because you both always believed you had to spend your lives together. You never thought you would live a life together. Ayesha passed away leaving you with a void, but you never felt lifeless. The only time you felt lifeless was when Aahana was taken away from you and now when you thought you had lost Zoya.." Dilshad specified confidently.

Asad pressed his forehead in exasperation and heaved painfully..

"Asad?"

"Haan Ammi I love her. I didn't realise how, I didn't realise when. But I've fallen in love with Zoya. She is carefree, lively, vibrant, brave, selfless and pure, so pure Ammi. Uss jaisi paak ladki maine aaj tak nahi dekhi. Woh mere baare mai kitna sochti hai Ammi, kitna saath diya hai usne mera. She has showered so much love on Aahana, on all of you. Itne saalon mai chahte hue bhi jo khushi aur jo muskurahat mai aap logon ko nahi de paya, usne kuch mahino mai de di. I've never seen my family happier than before. She is a gem Ammi, she is precious. Someone who needs to be treasured, spoilt and pampered, showered with love.." Asad said smiling as Zoya resided in his thoughts again.

Dilshad smiled proudly," Toh keh do usse Asad, that you love her, that you need her in your life..jao Asad.." Dilshad said encouragingly.

"Nahi Ammi mai usse kuch nahi kahunga..." Asad affirmed.

"Asad she deserves to know beta. She deserves this happiness, a family.."

"Yes she does Ammi, she deserves the best in life. She deserves to find her Abbu, to get over her fears, her insecurities, to get someone in her life who showers her with all the love, fulfils her every desire, gives her a complete life.."

"And that someone can be you Asad. And I've that seen that in her eyes as well.."

"Ammi! Sirf isliye kyunki aap mujhe phirse nikaah karte dekhna chahti hai, iska matlab ye nahi ke ye jhoote sapne aap kisi aur ko bhi dikhaye.."

"Maine koi jhoot nahi kaha Asad. You and Zoya.."

"Me and Zoya what Ammi? You're mistaken, completely mistaken. We both can be nothing but friends, and now I don't think we can be friends either..Ye sahi nahi hai Ammi.. Me and her? No Ammi, this is not possible, never!"

"Why Asad, give me one good reason?"

"Because I am saying so Ammi, isn't that enough?"

"Har decision ki ek wajah hoti hai Asad, tumhare decision ki wajah kya hai?"

"I don't see a future with Zoya.."

"Really?"

"Toh jab apni aakhein band karte ho, aur sochte ho ki aagey aane waali zindagi kaisi hogi, toh kya ek baar bhi Zoya nahi dikhti? Batao Asad? Tell me.." Dilshad raised her voice and demanded.

"Now just think of one thing that makes you the happiest, that replaces your every pain with happiness Mr Khan. What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of the word happiness, serenity and calm in your life"

Asad shut his eyes, crunching them tightly as Zoya's words ringed in his ears. His life rushed past him beneath his shut eye lids. His childhood, his incomplete troubled family, Ayesha, their growing bond, his marriage, his Aahana.. and Zoya. He saw Zoya with Aahana, a happy sight, leaving him content, satisfied and complete.

"Kya dekha Asad?"

Asad stuttered, swayed with emotions at once, but jerked to reality the next instant.

"Zoya ko dekha Asad?" Dilshad asked, even though she knew her son better than he did.

"Nahi! Maine Aahana ko aur khud ko dekha, akele.. alone like we have been, and we will be.."Asad retorted.

Dilshad's anger rose and she turned him around," Enough Asad! You're being foolish and selfish. You're just going to let go another chance to live a better life because of your some baseless insecurity? Ho kya gaya hai tumhe?"

"Aapko kya ho gaya hai Ammi? Aap kabse itni selfish ho gayi hai? Just because you want me to get married again, will you push Zoya into a forced relationship with me? And snatch her only chance to find her own happiness and take decisions for herself?"

"Asad you and me both know how much she loves all of us, especially Aahana. Kya kya nahi kiya usne humare liye, tumhare liye Asad. Koi aise hi itna sab kuch nahi karta.."

"Zoya karti hai Ammi. She only knows how to give and never ask for anything in return. Woh apne baare mai sabse aakhir mai, aur baaki sab ke baare mai sabse pehle sochti hai. Her life is only about others and never herself. Woh toh apne baare mai nahi sochti Ammi, kya hum bhi nahi soche?"

"She can never be happy with me Ammi.. I am anything but what she deserves in her life. I am an arrogant, rude, broken man, who has only feared love, who doesn't even know its rightful meaning. I can't give her the chance to fall in love, have a beautiful courtship, get married, spend a few blissful years of life before becoming a mother. I would be so selfish to drag her into my life Ammi, to make her a part of my life only so that she can be a mother to my daughter. Does she not deserve a beautiful and perfect life?"

"She does Asad, she does more than anyone and..

"And I am not that someone who can make her life perfect. I am a man always brooding in the shadows of my past, driven by them, drowned in them. What kind of a life would I give her Ammi? No one's ever stayed safe and happy with me. Saalon pehle Abbu chale gaye, uske baad humara ghar poori tarah se tut gaya. Uss din se aap kabhi khush nahi rahi. Then Ayesha came into my life, but she too spent most of it managing me and my problems, aur phir woh bhi chali gayi. I had even managed to lose Aahana Ammi.. par ab aur himmat nai. I don't have the strength to lose anyone anymore and I don't have the courage to live with the guilt of ruining anyone's life once more Ammi... please.." Asad's voice trembled as he looked at Dilshad, his eyes blood shot.

"Asad.." Dilshad sighed, wanting to defy everything he said, prove him wrong, tell him how much Zoya loved him. But even before she could begin to say anything, Najma walked into the room.

"Bhaijaan, Ammi? Zoya kaha hai? Mai poore ghar mai dekh chuki hun kahi nahi hai, phone bhi nahi utha rahi."

"Kya?" Asad and Dilshad said in unison. Dilshad walked out with Najma to try contacting Zoya again.

And Asad stood rooted to the spot.. Where had Zoya gone, and that too in this state?