Scope of this thread: Understanding the current state of Jalal
Note:
- This would primarily be Jalal's POV and this does not mean any other POV is not valued or looked down
- The character, situation and behavior are per say not the point of discussion. These may be merely used as reference to understand Jalal's emotions
- Judgment on Jalal's emotion is again out of scope, as this thread is only restricted to understanding his emotions for what he went through, irrespective of whether it is justified or not
An appeal to all friends here to stick to the scope of the discussion and also respect views shared here. Looking forward to hearing from each of you.
Jalal, who as a child was left behind by his mother and deprived of her love and care when it was needed the most, pushing him to see the mother in another. He was a child who had lost his father and had to settle with a father figure. Such was his sad childhood and he still not out of that disappointment. Even at a tender age, he was robbed of his heart, and there was only vacuum in its place.
Jalal had a childhood friend as his wife, who was competitive and did not mind taking things away from him. His wife was one who put her position before him. His was a wife who never loved him as a wife would. Such was his married life. Though married, he was all alone through his life, he lacked that happiness which he is even unaware of - the Emperor who had all the power on earth! And, he remained with his vacuum.
Jalal soon after fell for Jodha's beauty and qualities. But, it was sad that his ego was hurt by that very same person. Still, wanting her at any cost, and also with a hurt ego, he chalked out revenge in the agenda of the rishta. Though he was burning with vengeance, he could, however, never say a No to her from day one. He accepted the conditions laid, as he could not afford to loose her. In the vacuum in him, a small seed was now sown!
Jalal is now married to someone who hated him from the core of her heart. His new journey started now and his penance began. On the very first night, he knew what he had got into. He was challenged on day one. It was not an easy ride as he had thought it to be. And, he had to give in yet again. Both might have had their reasons and vachans, but that night, essentially, he did not get what he had desired. He was a looser. On reaching Agra, he felt insulted (Ruqaiya conversation) and realized that Jodha may not fall in line as he had envisaged. However, he could not punish her as he normally would for insulting a king. In a way his hands were tied - though a mere seed, it was powerful enough to tie the hands of an Emperor. Nevertheless, he was determined and trying various means to get his hurt avenged (as was rejected by the one he likes) at every possible opportunity. Though he was drawn to her, his ego was pushing him for some vengeance, which however was only greeted by failure at every instance. And though he was avenging, his actions were not completely aligned to what the arrogant Shehenshah would normally do! Summarily, though he had the power and the wherewithal to just do whatever he wanted to, he just could not make himself to do it. He could not shake the seed that is sown so well deep inside him. His internal fight has begun.
The next phase is when his fondness for Jodha developed - sword, aarti, letter for his child etc. He started noticing her talent and her good heart and was drawn to her. He also realized that she is different from others and cannot be won over like any other normal woman. It was a big shock to him that the Shehehshah of Hindustan, which he was so proud of given the stature and power, could not give her even a single small thing! It was a big blow to his ego and an eye opener as well. Likewise, sword incident made him start wondering about the heart he claims not to have. With his interest in her growing now, he wanted to spend more time with her. He even extended his hand to her during Chisti's visit. The seed is activated now. Summarily, he was falling for her by the day, he had no control whatsoever over his heart and this was very much different from what he had wanted to achieve!
Fourth phase, at Amer for Sukanya's wedding. This was a very beautiful important phase in his life, where a key transformation happens. He started watering the plant now, ofcourse, in hiding. It was his precious secret. He got a small signal from Jodha caring for him post tiger incident and he left to Amer with the hope of strengthening it. He was now left with only pleasant feelings for her, with his hatred drowned in the lake when he tried to save her and hence the transformation, so to say, was quick enough. With more proximity at Amer and no demands and distraction of Ruqaiyya, he got all the time to focus on Jodha and was also getting impressed with many talents of hers. He also had the opportunity to interact with her who was also opening up a bit, though in her own way. She was taking care of him which he loved, whatever be the reason. And he refused to be distracted by Jodha's caustic behavior, he stay put. And his was a state that even a good act of his was viewed under the eyes of suspicion. Still, he kept moving undeterred always bearing her happiness in mind. He loved the plant so much, that the thorns that hurt him while tending it did not matter. All he wanted was to grow it up into a beautiful tree. Now, he has reached a state of yearning for her. And he started expecting reciprocation of his feelings. He was sad that she did not worry about him as she did about her Maika. And from now on he could not bear to see her grieved. He was ready to do whatever that would give happiness to her. To the extent, he placed his head at the feet of Kali Ma and fulfilled her promise to place his head there. For the first time, he tried to understand the reason behind her hatred , which left him deeply moved. Though Jodha might not have shown any signs of her newly formed impression, for the first time an act of his had touched her. Summarily, from a Jalal perspective, he remained longing for her even when there is no sign of any feelings from the other side.
Fifth phase, from someone whom he liked, it moved to a state of someone whom he valued. Post religion conversion and FP track, things were changing even more. He now stood by her, he started trusting her and valued her views. He respected her feelings (he remembers to remove his jootis outside her room just remembering her words during Meenavati's visit. Note: he does not do that even today for Ruqaiyya who hates him with his shoes on her bed). He wished for her life-long company. He was happy to see some changes in Jodha, who started seeing his good side. He saw his plant forming some nodes. He was content with the change and willing to wait, while continuing his good work on building their relationship.
Sixth phase, when Jodha says that she no more hates him, it was a moment of great joy for him. It was like he had got all that he had wanted in life. He, atlast, saw a small bud in his plant which he had been so eagerly tending to. However, though he was overjoyed, he played it safe. He tried getting close to her, but was willing to wait, though all the while the yearning for her continued. Summarily, though things were changing, on the ground, it was not yet so as he would have wanted, while the intensity of his love kept increasing. He had to continue on his wait, while keeping his secret intact.
Seventh phase, dhakka incident. Now, she was reciprocating with her affection for him. And he thought it was a matter of time now. The day he had been longing for came finally. Today, the bud had blossomed. And all he wanted to do was to give it to his beloved. He was preserving his precious flower till the right time came. The opportune moment having come, he gave the flower to his beloved. But lo! In that process he hurt his beloved with the thorns instead. When the thorns pricked her, she let go the flower leaving him in a state of rude shock. With immense sadness he picked up the flower and left. He could not bear to see his flower that he so lovingly grew all these days, exclusive for her, to be treated this way. He was hurt beyond measure. Still, he could not throw away the flower and he kept looking at it.
It was rejection again and his male ego was hurt now. At a time when he was happy to see the changes in his relationship and hoping for the best, he had to face this. And though he wanted to forget her, move away from her, he could not. He was suffering in his own way with his hurt ego, betrayal (calling and then rejecting) and unable to give her up also. She was haunting him.
Eighth phase, Ben track- when he was shattered to see his love in death bed. His heart wrenching cry and prayers to Khuda, could have melted even a stone that day . His determination to bring her back, showed the depth of his love. And this was the time when he accepted to himself of his intense love for her. He realized that he could not live without her and that she is very much a part of him. He could also clearly see her loyalty and love for him.
The fact that he is not trusted was killing him every moment. Though he was steadfast on his trust for her, it got diluted later given the circumstances. And the aftermath, a huge blow, leaving him devastated. And in the process, he also revealed his love for her and how his love and hope has been shattered by her then. It would have pained any heart to see him writhing in pain then. He felt betrayed by the one who was his very life. He was back to void. And the thought that all the nice moments and good deed were all false indeed with an ulterior motive was unbearable. He was blown away to pieces and did the most difficult thing for him, broke ties with her.
Tenth phase, if the previous phase was tough, this was tougher. Realizing that what should not have been said had been said, and who should not have been doubted was doubted, was heart wrenching. This guilt was unbearable and he had lost all his peace. The price he had to pay, with his very life parting away, was even a bigger blow. And most unfortunately, it is at this time, she also had confessed her love for him (through the letter), which he had been waiting to hear for months together. He resolved to search the plant, nourish it and bring it back to life.
He roamed through the country in search of his beloved, a big effort by itself given the huge burden on his chest which was weighing him down all the time. Every minute passed was a yug for him, till he met her. He found his plant and it was such a relief.
Eleventh phase, he was however shocked to see his plant so fragile and battling for its life. How much ever he tried he could not bring back his plant to its previous stage, even to a state of survival. His beloved had refused to forgive him or return with him to Agra. His plant dropped lifeless now. The plant that took so long to bloom, but finally bloomed was lost now in a moment. It was worse than his earlier days, when he had only vacuum, now he is lifeless.
He had traveled a long way, about a year now, with longing and rejection, patience and perseverance and finally, hope and despair in the last one month, completely surrendering his ego to his love. And what does he have on hand now? Nothing, just nothing. For that matter, he has lost himself in the process and has now ended lifeless. Our hearts beat for you dear Jalal!
And in this state, he has none to go to, practically no shoulders out there at Agra for him. For that matter there are only many who want to add to his pain. And today, he has now got another big blow when the true colours of Mahamanga, whom he loved dearly and trusted to the core, more than anyone else, came to light. And, the death of Atgah Khan is also waiting to strike him. And, the truth of other loyalists, so to say, as well. However, I wonder, what is now left in him to be stripped off? Still, time does continue its play on him. Dear Jalal, may the Allah you are so devoted to, give you peace soon!
We, your loyal friends from the 21st century are praying for you and we are sure that your very same plant will resurrect soon by the power of your love and this time with more beauty. Aameen! Summa Ameen!
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