Posted:
Dear SJ
I plan to do a hate marriage and I am worried.
If I force this beautiful, sexy girl, with lips as soft as dew and hips that swing like a grandfather clock pendulum, I have no choice but to spend the nights with her in my room and play house-house - unwritten rules of hate marriage.
The sad irony is, when this one walks around my room, swinging her seductive hips, flipping her wet hair and revealing her soft as silk back, how do I resist her. I can't find relief, if you catch my drift, because she will be always there. I don't dare invite suspicion from my senior officers for frequently locking myself in my office room. And when she watches me shirtless, I might feel an odd sensation that her eyes are roving and studying me with the fascination of a virgin. Just to fuddle her, I might be tempted to do a Saawariya dance against the window lights.
In my bravado, I added a stupid and not-so-well-thought-out clause to my wedding vows that I will never be hers. Please tell me how to end this hard impasse.
(PS. I won't even be able to let a good one rip in my room. after all, my vanity is at stake here!)
Hating my Hate Marriage
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Dear Hating My Hate Marriage
If your father at 60+ can be up and running a marathon after near fatal coma, you should have no trouble doing things you way!
A very learned friend of mine once said, all roads lead to consumashuns. Human evolution, cosmic placement and all kinds of UN problems can be traced back to consumashuns and saxophone music. Wise man, he is.
You brought it up on yourself, now see it through (no pun). First, I have to lash you with wet noodles for the hate marriage. Couldn't you have done something more cliched, like a good old plain marriage followed by predictable consumashuns? You have a penchant fr making your life complicated.
Are you good at falling sick or breaking bones? I suggest you get busy and fall sick, pronto. There is nothing a good virgin likes more than mommying a sick man to health. Give her meaningful glances and accidental touches. Make her believe that you changed her wet clothes when she was half passed out. Then push her to the wall and breathe soft puffs of hot breath on her bare back. All this should muddle her enough to come running to you. Good thinking on Sawariya dance, although I'd suggest going a step further and simply dropping the towel. A full frontal attack is essential to help the matter.
As for hate marriage, tell her as soon as you can, when you said "hate" you really meant hating the clothes on her or the distance between you two, something..., and when you said you will never be hers, you meant your motorbike will never be hers. Hopefully, she is numb enough from all the ghaas-bhoosa she gobbles from Desi TV that she accepts your explanation without question.
Good luck and don't be a Yuvraj. Win your T20, it definitely does not need the stamina of one-day, and then write to me.
SJ
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Originally posted by: Naach_Basanti
Dear hating my hate marriage,
I have tried every trick in the trade. Left my dori open, showed my flexibility by standing on one leg, even drenched myself in rain, wore itsy bitsy, cholis and seductive hip chain, yet he won't do consumashun with me. What more, I tried to show him my kinky side by calling him Major saab.What should I do?Paro
Dear Paro
You will have to wait till holi and mix bhaang in his drink. Then you both can do a confession of Dil Se Dil ki Dor, Man se Man ka Jod, Ankhon ka Ankhon mein bol bla bla bla and hope an accidential consumashuns happens Order special bhaang from Manoharilal ManSukh KabhiTanSukh PhirNayanSukh & Sons Bhaang Depot.
good luck
SJ
Originally posted by: Naach_Basanti
Dear SJ,
If I do bhaang consumashun will Major saab feign loss of memory like Ahem Dikra? I have been told that in the other show that shall not be name, after 50-50 consumashun, the star crossed lovers behaved as celibates. That thought scares me as I want a lambi race ki godi. Do all roads really have to lead to consumashun?Very distressedParo
Dear Paro
Do you want to eat mango or count the pits** or do you want mango to mango, pits to tango++? Ahem Dikra is confused about his orientation, and suffers from saxamnesia. I don't blame him for his memory loss after the act, it was that bland. As far as I can tell, your Moonchiya's plumbing and memory are fine, ahem, not that I have any direct knowledge, except through his letters, which give me ample proof that he does not have a single celibate bone in his body nor does he have trouble remembering your exact dimensions.
If you are worried he might forget, give him Nimbu Ka Achar (Kim Chi with Wasabi). That should cure saxamnesia
Rest assured
SJ
** - aam khanay se mathlab ya gutthli ginnay se
++ - aam ke aam gutthli ke daam
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