Chapter 2 - Epiphany.
The words stop her in her tracks.
Ever since this nightmare of sorts had unleashed itself upon her, all Ishita had wanted was for it to end.
It was the only thing she could think of, come night or day. She could not bring herself to reveal the truth of Simi' affair to her family. To the Bhallas, as now despite their rocky start they are her people and she could not bear to see Papaji or Mummyji humiliated in front of her or the world. Even Raman. Specially Raman.
She still doesn't know the reason of his divorce from Shagun exactly.
Prior to this marriage and her getting to know this family as she does now... so intimately, she can't keep faith in the words Shagun said. She refuses to believe Shagun' accusations; that Raman was a monster of a husband or that the Bhallas were the in-laws from hell.
Sure they are loud and boisterous, but she sees now these are good people. Their family and culture may be drastically different from the environment she was raised in but she sees Papaji and Mummyji have given everything they have to make sure they raised their kids correctly.
It's visible to her now, in Raman' protectiveness towards her, his humility and respect when he speaks to her Appa and Amma. A man raised by brutes, to be one wouldn't have stood up for her parents and her respect when he defended her in front of Subbu' mom, wouldn't have cared if her Amma ate non-veg food by mistake. He wouldn't offer to take the bags from her Appa the moment he spots him carrying something heavy.
She knows the difference in their upbringing clearly; but she can also spot the same set of values her parents imbibed her and her Akka with. Their approaches may differ but they were raised with the same set of values by their parents.
And so somewhere in her mind, in her heart she believes Raman may not have been the horrible husband, Shagun paints him to be... Not even the monstrous father; she had wanted her to believe.
He is a highly complex and a very misunderstood man, by those who don't know him very well.
Somewhere deep down in her heart is a suspicion, Shagun wronged him. The very doubt made her keep her mouth shut in front of him too these past few days. Even when he blamed her. Especially then. So many things that he said to her in the heat of the moment in this period, during fighting with her, trying to make her answer him; have only served to confirm her doubts.
They have revealed much more than Raman ever intentionally would have or did so far.
A man speaks so bitterly, so ruthlessly when he has been burnt in the past. Scalded and wounded beyond words.
His pain blinds him to everyone and everything else and so he does the only thing he can, he spreads the bitterness overflowing in him, drowning and crushing him, in the hope that may be... Just may be spreading this venom to others might stop its infection and lessen the pain within him. That ridding himself of this baggage and unloading it will lighten his burdens.
Even though that is as further away from the truth as can be, as is.
She had expected him to retreat within himself, was trying to keep out of his way as much as she could, because she didn't know how he would react to this. This opening up of old wounds by his own kin. She had perceived it as a foregone conclusion that in the days to come Raman Bhalla may be the very devil unleashed.
She had not estimated he would quell.
More than his words, his eyes, his body language, his voice and his face gives away the fact that he is tired. Bone deep exhausted somehow.
And so she reacts the only way she can, the only way that comes to her.
She merely nods her head, mouths a barely audible Ok and moves towards the sofa, thinking this is it and now they would turn in for the night.
Clearly her error is evident in the very next second, when Raman holds her hand and she turns around to see he looks even smaller, more defeated somehow.
"Ok? Really just an ok? That is all you have to say? Nothing else, not a word?"
In another circumstances, these words could have been taken as a challenge, as a dare... In the manner they are now spoken with that hollowed out voice and the look of a man falling apart they sound defeated, chagrined and empty.
The words are out of her mouth before she has a mind to stop them, but they are... and now there is no taking them back.
"Really? What else would you have me speak? What is it that you were expecting me to say?"
Clearly she had not meant to hurt him, but he looks as if he just crumbled within.
And she doesn't know how to wipe that look off of his face. To make him fight with her again, if that's what it would take to not make him look so hollow, so beaten.
She can't think of a way to change that; all she can feel and think at the moment is, she hopes he never looks like that again. That it hurts, hurts her that he looks so, so small and so worn out. She never wants him to be this way ever again.
She can take it when he fights with her, teases her, taunts her, annoys and plain harasses her to the point of provoking her to commit a murder; she cannot take his defeat, his failure, his utter dejection.
"You could have said the truth, stopped me when I was insulting you, saying all those things. You could have let me know Ishita that my sister is cheating on her husband and you found out."
The words are not spoken with spite or anger, what gets to her is how plainly they are uttered. Without the trace of an emotion as if he is going through a grocery shopping list or checking on the amount of a bill.
When she looks at him all she can notice is a man, who if anything looks more ashamed of his behavior than humiliated for his sister.
He doesn't let go off her hand, even when she eyes his hold on her. The grip if firm and unwavering but not crushing and painful. He doesn't want to argue, he just wants an answer.
"I didn't know how." She says at last in a small voice, eyes still on his hand holding hers.
And clearly it's not the response he wants; the grip slackens for a brief second but the next it is as tight as ever, as if that momentary lapse was just an illusion her mind made up.
"What does that even mean? You don't know? Ishita for as long as I have known you, one thing I have learned is you don't know how to hold back... not from me at least. Even when I have insulted and hurt you, you always had a reply, a comeback, a response ... so I don't understand this not knowing."
She takes a deep breath; closes her eyes and utters the words that come to her without a moment' pause.
She cannot allow herself the luxury to filter these words... They need to be raw, unguarded, open and honest, if they are to make a breakthrough here.
"How do you tell a man, who is the father of your daughter, your husband on paper but a complete stranger in actuality that his family' reputation is on the line? How do you begin a conversation like that once you make up your mind, which you do, god, a thousand times but really have no idea of how you would be taken? When you can predict that not only will he not believe you even before you have finished what you had to say, but he would start yelling bloody murder at you and throw every insult in the book at you?
How can you go ahead with such an unwavering faith in his lack of trust in you? How do you tell a man his sister is having an affair, an extra-marital affair Raman when the man, who is legally your husband but has not even become a friend to you?
Forget the details of past lives and hopes and dreams of future; you can't even have a peaceful, amicable talk with him about the mundane things of the present? When you aren't even cordial enough to have each other wish a simple good morning or good night? Ask a how was your day? How do you shake the foundations of that very man' family when he doesn't even consider you anything more than just an extra member under the roof? Tell me Raman? Please tell me, because I don't know how."
He instantly withdraws his hand and looks sick to his stomach. But the truth can be harsh.
In all the days that she has known him, never has Ishita seen a Raman Bhalla who looks positively ashen. As if the color from his face just withdrew.
And in that very instant she knows... knows they just realized ... They are parents who have a daughter, live under the same roof but are individuals who are complete strangers.
And the thought makes her go weak in the knees.
Even before she knows what is happening she is in tears, sinking down on the sofa she meant to sleep on and has her face in her hands uttering the words
"Oh god what have we done? What will we do Raman? What will we do?
How will this marriage work? How will we ever make this work? What will become of us? What kind of a relationship is this? How can we spend a lifetime together if we can't even talk?
How will this affect Ruhi when she grows up? We cannot expect her to never pick up on our differences when she becomes older. What if she blames herself? Thinks her parents are in a compromised hell just because of her.
How can we raise a daughter together Raman if we can't even be cordial with one another?"
CID
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
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