Chapter 39, Part A
Many thanks for the comments for the last chapter. Some of the comments were very touching. A Big hug to those who have shared their real life experiences with us.
After Arnav had managed to clean up the bedroom, he took Khushi straight to his place. There was no way Khushi he could let sleep in that place anymore. Khushi had been too shocked to react and just followed his lead. Even at the back of her mind she knew that she could never enter her own bedroom anymore. She had never experienced pain or loss of this magnitude as she had always had a sheltered upbringing and her parents had always protected her from facing harsh realities of life.
Arnav felt out of depth and didn't know how to help Khushi cope with her grief. It was one thing to be solving complex business issues or even relationship problems, but it was a completely different when one had to assist someone they loved dearly come to terms with the loss of something precious. He told himself that he had to stay strong for Khushi.
He also questioned his own reactions. He had kept reiterating that he didn't want this baby, but then wondered why he had cried when he cleaned the mattress.
Was he empathetic to Khushi's plight?'
Or was it because he felt something for the baby?'
Unable to find an answer, Arnav decided to let his thoughts and feelings take a back seat and solely channelise his focus on Khushi.
Given Khushi's condition he knew a long road lay ahead of them, he had to be there for her every step of the way. Dealing with the loss of someone especially a baby that Khushi really wanted was not going to be easy or straight-forward. This was going to test their relationship, i.e, if Khushi still believed they shared one.
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Khushi how are you feeling today?' Arnav asked her three days since she had miscarried the pregnancy.
Khushi didn't reply to him.
Khushi please say something. Let me in.' He pleaded with her. But his question was met with silence.
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Khushi seemed to be completely withdrawn and in her own world since the incident. The crying had reduced but that was replaced with a complete sense of aloofness and indifference towards Arnav. He knew she was hurting and most likely held him responsible for her condition.
Khushi spent all her time, lying on the bed or standing in the balcony. The other day when he had invited Payal over to get her to talk to Khushi. All Khushi did was to hug Payal and cry. Arnav decided to give much-needed privacy to the two friends and decided to catch-up with Akaash who had been running the show at AR since both Khushi and he had taken long leave of absence. One look at Akaash's face and he knew that his brother wasn't pleased with him.
Its okay Akaash you can say what you really want.'
Arnav I have never interfered in your personal life because I always knew that you are a man of integrity. But how on earth could you let things get to this stage?' Akaash sounded exasperated.
Akaash you know about my feelings about marriage, Khushi knew it too. But yes, I should have definitely reacted in a wiser way.'
Can I tell you something? I know the kind of person you are, I know about your beliefs, I also know that you are very stubborn. Quite frankly I never see you changing, ever! Let Khushi free if you think you can't give her the happiness she wants and deserves.'
Then after an afterthought he added, Let me also warn you, the next time you hurt her, I cant assure you that I would be this measured in my response. She is Payal's best friend and like a sister to me. ' Akaash had conveyed his message without crossing the line with his brother.
Arnav nodded his head and assured him that no such thing would happen.
Do Anjali or Nani know about this?'
You must be thankful to us as Payal and I have decided not to share this news with them. I don't even want to imagine how Nani would react if she found out. You have truly messed things up Arnav.'
I know.' Arnav replied for once feeling smaller than his younger brother.
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Khushi met the gynaecologist Dr. Roy had recommended, after a week of the miscarriage.The doctor gave her the all-clear after prescribing some additional supplements to help her regain her heath and fitness.
Although things were better in the health front, things were still the same where her behaviour towards Arnav was concerned. She spoke very little to him. And even when he made a move to hug or hold her while she was lying on the bed, she moved away from him.
Arnav wanted her to scream at him, shout at him, curse him, but he couldn't take this silence.
That night Arnav and Khushi were eating dinner. Suddenly out of nowhere Khushi dropped her spoon and started crying.
Khushi is everything okay?' Arnav asked her with grave concern.
Its been a week...' She whispered.
Arnav looked at her with a confused expression.
Its been exactly a week since I lost the baby.' She told him. Thats when Arnav realised that it was around same time, seven days ago when Khushi's miscarriage had happened.
Arnav hugged her and tried to hold her close.
Im sorry Khushi.'
No you arent.' She snapped at him and pushed him away. Then she furiously tried wiping away her tears. Im sure deep down inside you are pleased the baby is gone, as it saves you the trouble of being forced into parenthood and a marriage with me.'
Khushi you know that's not true.' Arnav tried to keep his voice low.
If its not true why did you repeatedly ask me to get rid of the foetus Arnav? Why did you force me to make that decision to abort the pregnancy?' She paused and then added, 'Who knows, if I hadn't made that decision, God would perhaps not punished my baby for our sins.'
Arnav pushed his chair back with a thud. Think what you want about me. In fact hold me responsible for everything that went wrong with your life. But let me remind you that you knew exactly what you signed up to.'
Khushi was too shocked to react.
It hurts me too dammit! Do you know what I went through when I had to dispose off whatever was left of our...baby that night.' His eyes were wet with tears and it was the first time Khushi had seen him acknowledge that he had been hurt too with the loss of their child. So you can sit here and judge me as you wish, if you think that will make you feel better. But just because Im acting normal around you doesn't mean Im not hurting, doesn't mean I dont care.'
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After their confrontation Arnav stepped out of the house in a hurry to get some fresh air. Khushi sat rooted to her spot.
How did her life and their relationship come to this?' she asked herself repeatedly.
She realised gradually that, slowly but surely she was beginning to spite the very sight of Arnav. She was starting to get bitter around him as his presence brought back memories of those three days. The happy wonderful memories of their relationship was now replaced with bitter, unpleasant memories of how he was instrumental in forcing her to agree to an abortion.
But Arnav was right partially, she knew what she had signed up to when she got into a relationship with him.
Was she being unfair on him?
Was it better to walk away before she started hating him completely?
Was it better to leave when there was still genuine love, warmth and kindness in their relationship than to let it to progress to a point where things would end up getting nasty?'
She didn't know the answer to those questions.
""""""
It was past midnight and Arnav was yet to return. Khushi tried calling his phone and then found out that he had left it at home. She was genuinely scared for him. Where was he? Is he safe? She was feeling guilt for having said such horrible things to him. She hoped that he was safe and would return home soon. But as the clock ticked her worries, fear and her desperation increased with her mind conjuring up various negative possibilities.
""""""""""
Arnav went on a long drive to clear his head. He reminded himself that Khushi was fair to accuse him and that he should have known better than to have snapped and reacted. But he could no longer see her look at him with incriminating eyes. He knew that she held him responsible for the miscarriage. And there was only so much he could also take. Yes he had made a wrong call, but then he had accepted his mistake and then decided to support her.
Would she ever forgive him?
Was there any future to the relationship or was it over with the miscarriage?'
He pondered.
A couple of hours later when he had considerably calmed down he decided to go home to Khushi and apologise to her. If accusing him gave her solace at the time of grief, then so be it. He would happily be her punching bag.
Once he opened the main door, Khushi reached him and cornered him near the door. She looked furious.
Where have you been Arnav? Cant you take your damn phone with you? Do you think this is some sort of a joke?' She bit out. And then she softened and whispered, What if something had happened to you?' She closed her eyes as the tears made their way, I hate you!' Her emotions were all over the place.
Arnav reached for her immediately and took her lips in a much needed kiss. I'm sorry Khushi, I'm sorry for everything.' He whispered. I'm sorry for hurting you.' He then deepened the kiss as he lifted her to take her to their bed. Then he proceeded to make love to her as both of them finally found an outlet to express their grief, pain and hurt. They both felt like they were trying to hold on to something desperately while it was obviously moving away from both of them, taking each of them in separate directions.
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The following day Arnav had to fly out to Mumbai unexpectedly to deal to a work related emergency. Akaash was already meeting up with a client in the US on behalf of Arnav and could not make the trip.
After Khushi convinced him many times that she would be fine and that she would stay with Payal Arnav left for his trip to Mumbai hesitantly. Before leaving he kissed her countless number of times. For some reason he felt restless and hoped it was nothing more than just a passing feeling.
I love you Khushi, I hope we can work on things once I'm back.' Khushi managed to smile at him weekly in response.
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After three days of closed door negotiations and meetings later, Arnav took the return morning flight to Delhi. He had been completely caught up with work and had very little time to speak to Khushi who had sounded very reserved during their conversations. He felt that she was holding something back. He was going to find out what it was soon.
Once his flight landed in Delhi he took a cab home. He was feeling emotionally and physically exhausted. He was really missing Khushi and could not wait any longer to see her. He made up his mind to take Khushi away on a short holiday, to Ladakh once again. He felt that the holiday would be the perfect opportunity for both of them to start things over. He was feeling positive about his idea and couldn't wait to share it with Khushi.
When he reached home Khushi opened the door and let him in. He hugged her tightly. Once he walked over to the living room he saw a packed bag with Khushi's items.
Are you going to your flat? Please Khushi don't do this now. I don't want you stay there any more.'
No Arnav, I'm not going to stay in that flat anymore.' Khushi fiddled with the stole she was wearing. Arnav relaxed when she said no.
She then hesitantly added, 'I'm going back to Lucknow for good.'
Why?' He was shocked at the sudden turn of events.
I cant do this anymore. I will speak to Meera shortly and hand in my resignation too.' She replied, her voice reflecting how much she was equally hurt by the decision she had to make.
What do you mean?'
I'm going Arnav. I wont be coming back to you. Our relationship is over.' Khushi closed her eyes and shared the decision she had made with Arnav.
Arnav dropped his suitcase and held her shoulder. But why Khushi? Things seemed to have improved before I left. What made you arrive at this decision?'
Arnav I love and will probably always love you. But that alone is not enough for this relationship to survive. You and I want different things. Its better to go our separate ways before we hurt each other anymore. I cannot put myself through anymore pain.' She said looking him in the eye, conveying how much she had been affected by everything that had happened.
Khushi is this about your parents? Do you want a marriage?' Arnav asked with a sense of desperation so that he could make her stay back.
Arnav I know that after the miscarriage, you might be willing to even consider that. But tell me honestly if that's what you really want?'
Arnav remained quiet.
Khushi's shoulders dropped, she expected him to not answer the question or answer in negative, but then why did it still hurt so much?
You are right when you said that you arent cut out for any of these things. You can't lie to me and yourself just to make me stay back. This lie will do more damage to my future than anything that has happened so far.'
I felt it would be better to walk away now than enter into a marriage that you obviously dont believe in. Now that even the pregnancy is not even holding us together, why should we do this to each other instead of parting in decent terms?'
Arnav was zapped. He hadn't expected Khushi to make such a decision, this quick. He knew that she was very very upset with him, but he also genuinely believed that he would be able to resolve their issues.
This is crazy you cant just leave me like that. We can work out everything Khushi, just give me some time.' His voice was getting desperate.
No Arnav, we have been through too much recently and Im scared that if I see you any longer, I might just start hating the man who I love more dearly than than my own life. Lets not drag it to that point.'
Khushi you know I have apologised for my mistakes. We can go see a therapist and work on our problems.' Arnav was now coming up just about every reason to make her stay back.
Khushi felt that this was dragging too long, so she decided to put an end to this. Sorry Arnav I neither have the energy or the inclination to invest anymore in this relationship. Losing a child has shattered me and although I know you had nothing to do with it, just seeing you brings back all those memories. I'm sure that once I go to Lucknow I will suffer without you, but If I stay with you any longer I will lose myself and probably hate myself. I cant afford that anymore.'
He then held her hands, Please Khushi dont jump into this decision. We have had a tough time recently and I agree I screwed up but please give me time to set it all right.'
Sorry Arnav its too late now. You cant take back your words you said and nor can you bring back the baby. Please let me go Arnav.' She begged him.
No Khushi, you know how much I love you, you cant just leave me like this.' He hugged her and started kissing her all over her face trying to desperately make her stay.
Arnav if you continue pleading like this I might stay back, my resolve has never been as strong as yours. But if you really care for my happiness, let me go, please.'
And at the same moment Akaash's words came to him. "Quite frankly I never see you changingrav. Let Khushi free if you cant give her the happiness she wants and deserves."
Akaash was right, ans so was Khushi. It was time to let go. He had caused enough pain and hurt to last her a lifetime. The least he could do now was to let her go and hope that she would be happy some day. That would be his penance.
He placed his forehead on hers and whispered, I'll miss you Khushi, I'm sorry for everything.'
He kissed Khushi on her nose and breathed in her scent for the last time, making the moment last for as long as it could, I will always love you Khushi.'
Khushi smiled in between her tears, I will always love you too Arnav.'
She then placed a tender kiss on his lips for the wonderful moments they had shared in the past, of the dreams that they saw together for the future, and for today which was lost somewhere in between.
[YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3q68oesOX4[/YOUTUBE]
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