FF: The Emperor's Harem [Ch6 p.14] - Page 7

Say what you must about me and my non-existent integrity but you cannot question my smarts. I knew my place in the palace. One night with the emperor did not raise me a sphere above the rest. I knew that the world was still risky for my kids. That I would still feed them leftovers. That I could not fuss and certainly could not open my mouth about what transpired the night before.

He came like a shadow in the night and left like the wind, no time to waste after he was done his business. I tried being grateful for the chamber he'd awarded me but realized I had a great price to pay. I had lowered myself to rise in the ranks. If this news reached the ears of the ever angry begum-e-khaas, lord knew what havoc befall my humble self. I mustered up my scattered courage and devised a plan ahead. The silver of the sun lit up the dampened corridors outside until they were scorched dry. Down by the flower bushes, the golden light veined around the jade of blooming jasmine leaves. My thoughts travelled back to the golden green gift box my honey brought over the first time I left for a business trip.

It was a little over a month of us dating. Somehow he'd comfortably settled in on his side of our bed, claiming half my wardrobe, taking over half the vanity, holding on to half of me and claiming the rest as his own. So when I had to leave the country for a week, it felt like I was being dragged down by a pining housewife. He humphed until I gave in and scooted closer to his portion of the mattress. "I have to go someday. If not this flight then the next one. You're only making this harder for me, not to mention more expensive".

And as I left after a quick kiss, I remember feeling this stinging pain in my chest. How much courage and restraint it must have took for him to let me go in that moment. Now that I was on the receiving end, I felt the hurt. I felt the tinge of betrayal that hits you when he leaves you in your sleep, when doesn't hold you after he's gotten his way.

Thirty days had past since that night when he burst back into my room with that rage in his eyes. I pretended not to notice. No, I was too occupied to care. At the height of my morning sickness, when all I crave is dark chocolate and Big Macs, the smell of a man does nothing for me. Him, he doesn't just smell like a man, he smells of sweat, blood, and rotten corpses. He reeks of murder.

"Get away from me". I struggled to hide my somewhat showing belly in the cloudy waters of my bathtub.

"Whatever there is to see, I have see it all before. So stop being a prude and get to bed".

I expected what came next. He scooped me out of the water and dumped on the pallet, screaming for me to get dressed. I followed orders but continued muttering under my breath.

"You don't even love me so why won't you leave me the f**k alone?"

Well, I said a curse word but that word hadn't been invented in his era so nothing to see here! Moving along. He drove me out of the palace until there was not a soul in sight.

"That's right. I don't love you. But I have 5000 concubines. I don't go around giving away my love like free food. I don't love you so stop dreaming".

Like a bead clutching on to the tip of a needle, my heart longed for his grip. But with one current of hot breath, he swung it away and watched it fall, shattering into a million pieces.

His finger reached for my lips parting them so. Suddenly he bit hard on the rim of my lower lip until it drew blood. I forced closed my eyes enduring the pain in silence. He attacked my fisted fingers ripping them open and pounced on me again. Lips red with my blood, he was staring cold toward me. Even underneath closed lids, his anger was palpable. I dared not look in his direction. He watched the veins on my neck turn blue and dampened them with soft kisses until they soothed.

My frozen form heated up, stunned at this bipolar encounter.

"Take me home", I spoke softly trying to hide my unshed tears.

"But..."

"Take. Me. Home". My commanding tone set him back in action. He dragged me by wrist until I was yelping out for solid support.

But there was a limit to my patience. Come death or calamity, I would not have him harm my babies. I entangled my leg with his pulling him on the ground with me. My hands instinctively reached for my belly whilst his landed firmly around my torso guarding me from being crushed underneath him. I toppled him over with a push and scanned my abdomen for injuries.

When I did not reach out to help, I could sense his curiosity and frustration building but he decided to let it slide.

"Home. Now". I said one last time. Had he not heeded I knew not what I would have done. This time, he respectfully escorted me back to the carriage.

He sits with his back toward me and the hurt in my eyes is threatening to bubble over. I fall back to the earth shattering pain running in my spine when he said those words, "I don't love you".

Nothing, not the vast plains of Sindh, not the mountains in Himalaya, not the bitter cold of Kabul can contain the rips and shreds he left me in. I don't know why I acted like this was all too unexpected. I saw it coming, miles away. I knew what I was getting myself into when I dove head first into the palace politico-web-of-conspiracy. But that did not calm my longing, not did it lessen my regret. I was too deep in the quicksand to back out.

"Let me go. You don't love me so forget I exist".

He did. He forgot I existed until protruding belly was too big to remain hidden.