OS : JODHA BANI MEERA: PART 4 Page 25 updated Feb 10th - Page 8

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sashashyam thumbnail
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Posted: 11 years ago
#71
My dear Bhavini,

First of all, I cannot understand why you are so apologetic and hesitant about this piece. What matters, here and indeed anywhere at all as far as writing is concerned, is the ability to express the emotions of others, even strong emotions which you might have never felt yourself. And by that standard, you have done very well in this, and you can relax!

I loved it that you have made your Jodha cunning for once, able to plan and execute such a very risky siyasati chaal. I liked this twist of yours better than what they showed us last night,
which was filmy to excess, with that hostage drama and the total incompetence of the Mughal soldiery.

In fact I myself felt, and wrote repeatedly, that Benazir would never be so reckless as to try and poison Jalal in the midst of the whole court, and depend on Adham Khan's prior arrangments to make her getaway. A woman as astute as she is would have realised that the moment Jalal was dead, the first thing Adham would do would be to kill her to prevent her from betraying his part in the assassination.

So your script is way better, as is the neat way in which the antidote is found.
I expect that tonight it will be Mahaam and Ruqaiya who will extract that information from Zakira.

I liked Moti's outburst against Jalal and that too to his face. In such extremely stressful conditions, all normal codes of behaviour fall by the wayside, and grief and rage take over. Then again, Moti is no mere daasi, but a close friend.

Your Jalal has come out well, right down to your explanation of why he smiles just before being asked to come for the sevaiyaan eating ceremony.
But I must add one key point.

The seriousness of any mistake, in this case Jalal's disbelieving Jodha's accusations against Benazir, depends on the amount of damage caused by the mistake, in this case Jodha being at death's door.

But for that, Jalal's lack of faith in Jodha's accusations - especially after the milk test and the search of Benazir's rooms prove useless - is understandable. After The Shove, his feelings towards Jodha have become very bitter, even though his weakness for her obviously persists, and he sees her face everywhere. His sense of humiliation at what he sees as her having led him on and then rebuffed him, and the rage this stirs up, are still very much alive.

It needed something as drastic as this to overcome that rage and humiliation. In that sense, the CVs were right in their melodramatic track. Your take on this matter is just as effective, but less melodramatic and more plausible.

So don't worry, my dear Bhavini, you are doing just fine.

Shyamala Aunty


Hello Friends... I have written this OS based on Friday Precap... My mind is stuck at the precap... and getting difficult for me to wait so decided to write on it... Please ignore my grammar and mistakes... My main concentration is on their emotion... how Jalal and Jodha will react to this
shahbhavini thumbnail
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Posted: 11 years ago
#72

Originally posted by: sashashyam

My dear Bhavini,

First of all, I cannot understand why you are so apologetic and hesitant about this piece. What matters, here and indeed anywhere at all as far as writing is concerned, is the ability to express the emotions of others, even strong emotions which you might have never felt yourself. And by that standard, you have done very well in this, and you can relax!

I loved it that you have made your Jodha cunning for once, able to plan and execute such a very risky siyasati chaal. I liked this twist of yours better than what they showed us last night,
which was filmy to excess, with that hostage drama and the total incompetence of the Mughal soldiery.

In fact I myself felt, and wrote repeatedly, that Benazir would never be so reckless as to try and poison Jalal in the midst of the whole court, and depend on Adham Khan's prior arrangments to make her getaway. A woman as astute as she is would have realised that the moment Jalal was dead, the first thing Adham would do would be to kill her to prevent her from betraying his part in the assassination.

So your script is way better, as is the neat way in which the antidote is found.
I expect that tonight it will be Mahaam and Ruqaiya who will extract that information from Zakira.

I liked Moti's outburst against Jalal and that too to his face. In such extremely stressful conditions, all normal codes of behaviour fall by the wayside, and grief and rage take over. Then again, Moti is no mere daasi, but a close friend.

Your Jalal has come out well, right down to your explanation of why he smiles just before being asked to come for the sevaiyaan eating ceremony.
But I must add one key point.

The seriousness of any mistake, in this case Jalal's disbelieving Jodha's accusations against Benazir, depends on the amount of damage caused by the mistake, in this case Jodha being at death's door.

But for that, Jalal's lack of faith in Jodha's accusations - especially after the milk test and the search of Benazir's rooms prove useless - is understandable. After The Shove, his feelings towards Jodha have become very bitter, even though his weakness for her obviously persists, and he sees her face everywhere. His sense of humiliation at what he sees as her having led him on and then rebuffed him, and the rage this stirs up, are still very much alive.

It needed something as drastic as this to overcome that rage and humiliation. In that sense, the CVs were right in their melodramatic track. Your take on this matter is just as effective, but less melodramatic and more plausible.

So don't worry, my dear Bhavini, you are doing just fine.

Shyamala Aunty


My Dear Respected Loving... Shyamla Aunty...

I feel HONORED you have read this OS... and Thank you so much for your encouragement ... U R right I am always nervous while posting my chapters... I do not have confidence in my own writing... but I will try to change this attitude and start appreciating my own work...

I am glad you like mycunning Jodha... I was little disappointed yesterday... I was hoping for something smart from CV... It didn't make sense why, she tried to kill Jalal in front of everyone... and she confess in the past episode... Adham will not spare her after his mission is accomplishing... so I was expecting smart move from Benz...And even from Jo... EKTA... TRP MELODRAMA... GOES TOGETHER... In historical show melodrama doesn't fit that well... but seems like lots of viewers are enjoying...

Vow Aunty... I completely thought same way ... I just went back and read your analysis... I am completely agreeing every word... it feels like you have read my mind...lol😃 and you wrote this long back... amazing...

U R RIGHT THEY NEEDED SOMETHING VERY BIG TO GET OVER HIS HUMILIATION... AGAIN EKTA TRP MELODRAM... ALL GOES TOGETHER... But after all frustration can wait to see some romance...

THANK U SO MUCH! LOVE U AUNTY!🤗

BHAVINI

Pallavvi thumbnail
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Posted: 11 years ago
#73
hey bhagvaan...bhavu...😲
tum logo ne kya mujhe rulane ki kasam kha rakhi hai...😭😭
first nannu ki OS...and now urs...😭😭
oh my god...what a brilliant...excellent and magnificent piece of writing...👏👏
i cant control my tears from coming out...😭😭
pehle show wale aur ab tum log...😭😭
but i m happy that that i have friends like u who write so brilliantly well...
unlike me...pata nahi kya ho gaya hai mujhe...😕😒
khair chor yaar...😃
i dun have enough words to describe how heart touching and marvelous it was...👏
HATS OFF YAAR...👍🏼😳
shahbhavini thumbnail
13th Anniversary Thumbnail Rocker Thumbnail + 5
Posted: 11 years ago
#74
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jq7V1-2Kg3A&feature=youtu.be
DARMAYA VM...


PART 2:

She opened her eyes gradually... but her breathing was diminutive... at first complete dark around ...and then little by little her vision clear... she saw him with blurred vision holding her hand with tears and guilt in his eyes... At first she thought it was her illusion... she is already died ...

Jalal with very soft sound asked Jodha begum; how are you feeling...? his soft voice filled with deep concerned wake her up from her illusion and realized that she is still alive... She saw him clearly holding her hand tight with deep sorrow... seeing him safe... contented smile came on her face... He again asked her... Jodha begum... Are you alright... how are you feeling...?

Her entire body was in immense pain... She was feeling suffocated, sensation of burning inside and feeling of throwing up, short breathing... She had no energy to speak... She knew that she is not going to survive... Her tears were constantly flowing in enormous pain... She moved her face towards him and tried to speak... but it was difficult for her to say a word... she collected her all the strength and said... sh...en...shah... Jalal went close to her to listen... She again tried and said Hume pata hai yeh hamari antim saase hai... she stop to gain more strength and to finish her sentence...Jalal with tears... Jodha tumhe kuch nahi hoga...Tum hume chod ke nahi ja sakti... then she again started with heavy breath...Shenshah... "Hamara antim sanskar (funeral) Agra mehi ho..." She looked at him with intense final good bye... and her breathing became very short... Her entire body was struggling to breathe...she was shrinking...

Jalal screamed with anger... Hakim sahib... "Ye Kya ho raha hai" do something ... what is happening... She started to bleed again from her mouth and nose... and lost her consciousness as if she died... JJalal screamed loud with fear... Save my Jodha... Entire team of Hakim's were trying their best to save Jodha... but her condition was getting worst... To see her in this condition it was unbearable for Jalal... Other than Jalal everyone lost their hopes for her survival... All of them in the hall were crying and sobbing... There is no way they could control their tears... Jalal was completely broken and shatter... He was looking at Jodha and thinking about her bravery... How determined was she... Her mission was to save my life... all of a sudden Jodha's bravery filled energy and power in Jalal... He decided he will save Jodha at any cost...he collected his strength and got up from their... wipe his tears and went outside, where thousands of people were standing outside the palace waiting for news about Jodha begum... Jodha's sacrifice story spared in entire Agra like a fire... Today Jodha begum became a Star of AGRA... Her sacrifice saved his king's life... Thousands of people gathered outside of the Palace in few hours, to find Jodha begums health and condition...

Jalal with loud powerful with deep intense voice announced and requested people... "Aaaj Aapke Shenshah, aap sab se kuch mangna chahte hai... hame aap sabka sath chahiye... Aaj Jodha begum ne apni jindgi ki parwa na karte huye hamari, yani Apke Shenshah ki jaan bachai hai... Aaj ham aap sab se ek gujarish karte hai... aap parvardikhar se dua maagiye ki Jodha begum ki jindgi ko salamat rakhe... Aaj aapka shenshah chahta hai ki hajaro haath Jodha begum ke jindgi ke dua o ke liye uthe... AAj hum chahte hai har ek musalmaan aur har ek hindu apni dua aur prathna kare... and at the end he fold his hand with tears in his eyes... Loudly said... AAmin... Entire palace roar back... AAMIN... Jalal announcement created divine atmosphere...

Jalal pulled his prayer rug... next to kanah's temple... Salima begum, Ruakaiya begum... Hamida baanu... Gulbadan begum... every one joined with Jalal... Moti started mrutyounjay Jap in front of Kanah... Everyone was praying at the same time for Jodha's life... Jalal close his eyes... first he saw was Jalal and Jodha both were praying at the Ajmer darga... Her pure and celestial face brought harmony on Jalal's face... He was deeply lost in prayer; his soul was connected to Allah... He again saw Jodha with divine peaceful smile and ... with blush she said Shenshah and confesses that... Hume app se bahut prem karte hai... Ye hamare sobhagya me nahi tha ki hum aapko ye bata sake... par mere har janam me app hi mere pati ho... Jodha smiled again with good bye... started to walk away from him... Jalal's rooh (soul) called her... Jodha...Ruk jaiye... Hum aapke bina nahi ji payenge... aap ke bina hamri jindgi adhuri hai... Hum bhi aap se beinthaa mohabbat karte hai... Ap ke bina hamara koi vajud nahi... Aap hume bhi sath le chaliye... Jalal forward his hand towards her... Jodha looked back...waited and gave her hand... Jalal felt shiver in his entire body as if he really felt her touch...

He heard Hakim's voice... Shenshah... Jalal opened his eyes from his beautiful divine soulmat Milan... looked at Hakim with worried expression; Hakim with cheerful voice; It is a miracle... her pulse were almost nil for about a minute... and suddenly she started to breathe again with enormous energy and strength... Jodha begum is out of danger... Her breathing and pulse are completely normal... She will come back to conscious soon... her body has spitted out all the poison ... Jalal with excitement and tears... ran towards Jodha... All sorrow disappears in a second from the room... everyone has tears with satisfied smile... Jalal was so happy he holds her and kissed on her forehead... and said... Shukriya Jodha begum... Aap ne aaj phir hum me jaan dal di...

He got up from the bed and hugged Hamida with tears... He felt like crying out loud with sobs... his happiness was filled with pain of Jodha... Hamida caress in his back with hugging him... Jalal eyes were flooding with tears...

Hakim with pleasant expression... announced again officially with blessing of god Jodha begum has survived. She is out of danger but for next two days she will have unbearable pain in her entire body and she will feel very weak...and he gave some medication for Jodha and insist to take it on every eight hours for her faster recovery...

Jalal saw lots of people were standing outside waiting for Jodha to regain her life back... Jalal went out of the room and announced that with grace of god and your prayer have saved Jodha begums life... She is out of danger. He folded his hands again said... Shukriya...for saving Jodha begums life...

Suddenly she gain respect in common people's eyes... people who used to hate her due to her religion and culture... started to respect her because of her sacrifice of her life... Today she becomes hero... Hearing from Jalal, Jodha's condition... lot of people had tears in their eyes with happiness... They all thanks god for saving her... It was very emotional moment...

Jalal went back inside Jodha's room...and sit next to her holding her hand and waited for her to open her eyes again... suddenly his heart started beat with fear ... Will she forgive me? I was cruel, ruthless and selfish... I have accused her for many things... I have punished for saving my life... In front of entire darbar...I told her that I don't want to see her face ever again and banished her from Agra... time was passing and Jalal's guilt and nervousness was increasing...

Finally after an hour of painful deep sleep... she moved her hands...and slowly opened her eyes... Jalal was still sitting next to her and felt her movement... and He immediately hold her hand again and went near her... She saw him sitting next to him holding her hand with immense pain and guilt with swollen eyes... Everyone gathered near bed... She moved her eyes to see everyone... She saw Moti smiling at her with tears... Her pale and worried face was showing concern for her... Hamida banu was sitting on the other side of bed next to her... She could tell everyone cried for her... She remembers last time she looked at Salima begum and Hamida banu and their anxious face... She was surprise seeing tears in Rukaiya begum's eye... her face looked pale with enormous guilt...

She recall entire court scene...and made her face bitter... He has punished me to leave Agra... He didn't want to see my face ever... why he is showing concern now... She hastily pull her hand from him and turn her face away from him... and cover her face with quilt and close her eyes... her own behavior gave her sting... it was painful for her to ignore him... unwanted tears rolled out from her eyes... Jalal was shatter and broken with her ignorance... He felt helpless and had no courage to call her again... Everyone witness Jodha's ignorance including Hamida, Salima, Moti, Ruku and Hakim... Jalal with shamefully expression looked at everyone around... His guilt was clearly showing on his expression.

________________________________________________

HOPE U LIKE SECOND PART OF THIS OS

Please don't forget to likethis part... Last Chapter more than 100 like😃😃😃...I felt like crying in happiness...

Also Please post your comments... I always appreciate critics

PART # 3


Edited by shahbhavini - 11 years ago
SUMESHNI thumbnail
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Posted: 11 years ago
#75
Awesome amazing superb update
Poor Jalal but he kinds of deserves it
Plz plz continue soon
mandy001 thumbnail
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Posted: 11 years ago
#76
unres...lgta h aaj sabhi ne kasam khayi h k mujhe rula k chodenge..pehle cvs now u😭...bcz i claim dt i dnt cry easily bt yr aaj to pehle rajat ki actng ne nd ab aapke well explained emotions ne.

bhavi di u r truly awesome writer. d way he said to his awam dt plz pray to allah nd bhagwan ws awesone 👏. nd his dream whr he ws abt to lose her bt sdnly he felt smthng nd in real she ws actually well z also well written.

nd when she said hame pta h ye hmari akhri sanse h nd jalal cried made me cry...

love u di love u so much for giving us ur time nd write ds ss...
Edited by anshfever - 11 years ago
bokul thumbnail
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Posted: 11 years ago
#77
wow bhavini this update moved me to tears
i loved this update so much dear
thank u for updating it so soon
jalals emotions were so perfect
i specially loved the dream that jalal saw
that both were in heaven
and he confessed his love for her
i loved that the avam now regarded her as a hero
and i felt so bad when jodha withdrew her hand
and put the quilt over her face
i felt the pain jalal must have been going through
mind blowing outstanding awesome update
Edited by rima4ever - 11 years ago
preeti.r thumbnail
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Posted: 11 years ago
#78
Awesome update ... But I don't want JO ignoring Jalal, bechara Pehle se hi tuta hua hai 😕
aanchal_c thumbnail
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Posted: 11 years ago
#79
good jalal deserves this..but i also loved how jalal said"humein bhi apne saath le jaeye".
shahbhavini thumbnail
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Posted: 11 years ago
#80

Originally posted by: preeti.r

Awesome update ... But I don't want JO ignoring Jalal, bechara Pehle se hi tuta hua hai 😕

I am feeling bad as well preeti... but Jalal has done many things which is hard to forgive... Jodha will understand him soon... 😃

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