Mukti Bandhan: a different perspective- SS - Page 13

Part 8: Part of a whole

"I am Devki...Devki Shah Virani.." I paused "Charulata Virani's daughter in law."

In response, Maa Parimita's serenity gave way to a subtle facial contortion. Few lines appeared on her forehead.. as she stared at me for a moment.. with a glint of moisture.. I stood numb holding onto myself.. hoping I could have a chance at meeting my mother just once. hoping it wasn't a lot to ask.

She closed her eyes, breathing in once, as the tranquility returned in her demeanor. This time as she looked at me, there was peace, wisdom in those very eyes as I looked on with dismay.. 'I was asking for a lot I guess' I reckoned. Her hand gently moved up and rested on my face.

She smiled; feeling my cheeks and uttered in her soothing voice "You resemble your grandmother, especially your eyes". I smiled amidst my disobedient tears. She gently smiled, and sat down on her platform, motioning for me to join her "Sit".

I simply followed her, wiping my tears but somehow unable to meet her eyes. I stammered.. trying to find stability in my voice "Maa" and fresh tears brimmed up. She gently placed her hand on mine as I looked up

"You can call me Maa.. "

But before I built any disillusions she continued in her stoic manner "I am your mother.. too.."

I looked at her pale-faced, losing any hopes I did have of meeting my mother. I simply nodded "Thank you guru maa."

She sighed, as I continued "I have read your books multiple times and like I told you over the phone its like a new awakening each time."

She smiled again "But that's not why you are here to meet me. You came here looking for someone else.." she drifted "someone...I am afraid is no more."

I shook my head slowly in the negative "I came here looking for understanding.. few answers"

She subtly raised her eyebrows, gently continuing with a resignation "So you have complaints"

I shook my head again "I only have hope.. hope to find some peace and enlightenment..to ease my troubled mind"

She looked at me with a fondness I hadn't seen in her before as I sheepishly added "I also have assurance.. assurance from my mummijy, Charulata Virani.. that I can expect to find what I am looking for.. here.. from YOU".

Her lips slightly curved again as she appeared to reminisce something as I mentioned Mummijy "Hope provides strength and assurance, peace .. I won't return you without either... b'coz both these things are very important for Faith.. something I have seen in Charu, your mother"

She walked up to Tejo Baba's picture.. as I followed her there.. she motioned for me to sit in front of it, on the meditating mat.. before exclaiming "Is there any volunteer here"

"Yes Maa"

"Kindly cancel the next discourse. I want to be left without anyone's else's presence for a while" she looked towards me for a second and continued " And could you kindly close the door behind you"

"As you wish Maa" the polite lady receded leaving us with each other in the room.

She took her spot next to me affirming gently but firmly "Its Baba's aadesh.. his design.. I have to deliver .. even if it is as Chandraprabha.. her final deliverance.. " she closed her eyes.. in one final meditation.

***********

I paced up and down.. like a nervous parent outside the principal's office; while his child was being interviewed alone. I knew it was Devki's journey.. I had no right to be a part of that and by no means did I even want to trespass. Its just that I was too anxious to wait for her to come out.. to know if she found her peace.. her answers.. if her pain met some dignity; some acceptance. Above all I wanted the positivity that Devki personified in its full glory to grace her yet again. I sat down and finally took to something I hardly ever did.. being who I was 'my father's son'. I closed my eyes and made a silent prayer 'May god bestow her with the collective strength to put her point forward and demand what she seeked..' I smirked, knowing the futility of my last wish.. Devki and demanding was an oxymoron by all means. I knew one thing for sure- no matter what happened in that room today, me and my whole family were there for her.. She had come to belong to us and we will be the family she deserved; yet never had. Another promise I made to myself.

************

I don't know how or when it happened. Under the influence of her assuring aura and soothing persona, I started telling her about me.. my childhood a little nervously at first but progressed into a more comfortable narration.. sharing the little details I always wanted to.. may be even did with her picture.. her face had the same warmth, the same affection in her eyes.. as did her picture; I noted. I related about my life in England, my MBA days, little things like my work at Excel.. I told her how I met Mummijy at Anand Ashram, Baa-Bapuji in the park...about my best friend Nirali whom I met on facebook.. we were all bonded by karma.. She sat through all of it patiently paying attention and involved in my narrative. Most importantly I told her about Pappaji, how I had grown up admiring his extra-ordinary reading of human behavior that he put forth in business.. and about our first meeting.. how without meaning to I had offended him. She looked at me with this strange awareness.. something I couldn't bring myself to completely understand.

Nevertheless I re-iterated how I had felt connected to every Virani and the only Virani I had barely known, ended up being my closest friend, my life partner.. my love.. I blushed and she smiled again, a queer fondness in her eyes. I told her what he meant to me... how and in what circumstances we had got married. I told her unabashedly about our compromise.. she appeared a little worried but I assured her everything was fine. Vaibhavji was more than I had ever envisioned and dreamed of in a partner.. He was my guide and friend in every step of the way. Endearingly honest and extremely dutiful, he was a son Bha didn't have. I stopped.

Gathering courage and fighting my tears I continued about how and when I found out about Mr. Dalichand Shah, my father. Her face showed pain now.. yet a soft understanding at how I would have felt at the revelation after so many years. I fondly reminisced how Vaibhavji told me to have the same compassion for my father as I had for other unfortunate elders at Anand Ashram. He told me Dalichand Shah was also sick, needed our help and compassion to fight his demons. I told her how Vaibhavji took it upon himself to give my father a chance he thought the man deserved by putting him in a rehab care. She smiled gently before speaking up, the only time she did between my ramble

"He is blessed with Charu's heart and compassion. May god bless him".

"He is. If it weren't for him I wouldn't even be here" I alleged. He encouraged me to come here, to meet you. He told me to talk to my mother and grab this one opportunity that I may never have. To try and understand my mother, keeping the engulfing sense of abandonment I feel since last evening aside. I have no complaints.. just this sorrow I am fighting.. this pain of being so undeserving of my mother's love and affection.

She placed her hand on me...gently shaking her head...blinking her eyes in negation " Baba says the worst guilt is to accept an unearned guilt". I looked up as she sighed and stood up... and slowly went and sat on the platform again, this time looking out the window..

"I wont say it is not about you.. that's not true.. it affects you.. it should and I knew it; back then too." She looked back at me as I kneeled in front of her "In fact that consideration strengthened my belief in my convictions."

She pulled me up and made me sit next to her, holding my hand; caressing it gently "You deserve to know.. and in fact I wont even expect you to understand.. but I am glad that we met now, at a time when you are almost a woman.. someone who has the strength to take that leap of faith and try to see things better" she smiled.

"Chandraprabha was close to your age, maybe a little older. I can't tell you why, how or what happened.. but I can only tell you she was incomplete.. She lived for a long time with this encompassing void in her marriage. She was beginning to lose connect with herself". I choked at the imagery, somehow having a sense of the pain. Reconsidering; It could have been my fate too had Vaibhavji not given us a chance.. I drifted..

She sighed again, quite clearly the memories of it still somehow affecting her a little somewhere but soon a glint crossed her eyes as she looked at me, putting her hand on my head "When you were born she took it as a new lease of life, a new chapter.. you came as that bout of sunshine, an inundating hope.. but alas! the darkness was too deep, way too strong. Your father wasn't a strong man to support himself, much less support you. And unfortunately your mother was running out of steam too. A mother nurtures, nourishes, is a pillar of strength to her child, a book of understanding about the life her child was to partake.. but Chandraprabha was finding it hard; to do what should have come naturally to her.. as a mother"

"Every person is part of a whole.. the universe.. the creation.. but each part is important.. what one calls individuality is important for a person.. the strong sense of identity in the massive world.. self-identity which tells one, he or she belongs.. exists.. if one loses touch with oneself, his or her beliefs, convictions.. a disconnect with one's inner-self, its projected outside.. in their relations with others. Devki, you are married now.. you have a loving husband, a fulfilling family and for their sake you need to be peaceful.. only one who is at peace with herself can spread joy , love, harmony to others.. her loved ones.. "

I didn't know when but I had started crying.. How could I have not comprehended this void, this pain in my mother's life.. I had merely scratched the surface.. She wiped my tears, continuing

"I had once read -You drown not by falling into a river, but by staying submerged in it (Paulo Coelho). Your mother couldn't stay submerged and in turn drown you with her.. She deemed it appropriate to release you from the dark shadows that engulfed her spirit.. You were sunshine.. you deserved joy, hope, nurturing.. a normal upbringing.. Your mother wasn't good for you Devki because she wasn't good for her own self. She needed some answers, redemption.. a purpose.. enlightenment.. "

A lone tear drop fell on her hands, ones that still held mine.. I looked up wanting to embrace her.. She smiled, the serenity and wisdom back on her face.. eclipsing the personal emotion that took precedence all this time. "And only when Chandraprabha relinquished her burdened spirit, could Parimita emerge, someone who followed knowledge,, enlightenment.. someone who found purpose.. The body remained the same but her spirit had wings, each window of her heart had opened up. The world is her oyster and every human being her loved one. "

Touching my cheek, yet again she continued "You could rightfully have grievances but your mother trusted your grandfather to provide you with a more fulfilling childhood, a normal upbringing away from the dark shadows of your parent's personal karma.." and now cupping my face.. as I teared up again "He has done a really good job, much better than he gives himself credit for, I reckon"

I stared amazed at what it could mean.. Did BB know..

As if reading my mind yet again, she offered "you call me Guru Maa.. would you care for a little advice.. based on my experience?"

I nodded fervently..

Her graceful wisdom in place, she told me with utmost sincerity in her now apparent affection "You have a long journey ahead.. a beautiful one.. there will be answers.. truth.. some bitter too.. sometimes there will appear to be conundrums.. but remember this little piece of wisdom if you will .. People generally create their own questions b'coz they are afraid to look straight..All you have to do is look straight and see the road.. and when you do; don't sit looking at it- walk" (Atlas Society).

I sat down in front of her kneeling, and put my head on her lap.. as she caressed my hair. I sheepishly enquired "BB.. I mean Nanaji always said I remind him of my mother.. Do I?"

She let out a chuckle this time.. "You most definitely do" and continued albeit in a lower tone "And not just to your grandfather".. She stopped; her eyes looking ahead at nothingness as I looked at her quizzically. Breaking out of her reverie, she concluded

" to ME as well.. I do see some reflections of her.."

I simply lay my head on her lap.. cherishing the few moments I had.. of feeling a part of her.. something I had desired all my life.. I knew it wouldn't last long.. but I was happy with the little moment I had.. glad it happened.. glad I met my mother.. through Maa Parimita..