If Only ...

The terrace was flooded with moonlight, the night sky clear, stars shining as dots of diamond in the sky with the moon continuing its journey from one end to the other. He stood at one end of the terrace looking out at the garden, his mind in turmoil. The soothing night air did nothing to ease his apprehension. He stood thinking about the events of the past few weeks in which his life had changed completely. And for the first time in his life, he was in a dilemma ' he knew what he had to do but he did not know how to do it.

He walked backward towards a stone bench and sat down. He thought about everything for a while, and finally his thought came back to the person who mattered the most to him now, his wife. If someone had told him earlier that one day he would start seeing her as his wife and yearn for her forgiveness, he wouldn't have believed them. In fact, he would have laughed at their face -how silly it would be. But time does change! It did and took his arrogance along with itself.

He couldn't understand how it all happened. That day was clearly etched in his mind when she had given him an option to escape unscathed and thus save his Father's RaiBahaduri. The option was marriage and without thinking, he had said yes. He had wanted to get out of the mess desperately though he had very clearly understood the significance of their marriage -- ' a marriage of convenience! And also a marriage where they would be at each other's throat literally, and always on the opposite side. He had detested her then, loathed her presence, but fascinated by her like a moth to the flame. Yet he hadn't been able to shake off the fact that they were married and he had certain duties as a husband too. Husband? Did he consider himself as her husband? Knowing fully well that he had wanted to get out of this marriage the first instance, just like she had.

They hardly had civil discussions earlier, especially since both of them were more concerned with their one-upmanship skills, about who would end up as victorious in every tussle they got into. And feelings of hatred and irritation had flared up between them. Sitting on the cold terrace he realized, that the attraction was always there. From his side definitely, from the first time he saw her. But did it exist from her side too? After all, she was always a victim in his hands, whether willingly or unwillingly. And it's au naturel for her to hate him, despise him.

But she was with him in their marital journey that fateful night ... he sighed!

Oh! Such sweet, innocent surrender!

He remembered her in his arms ... and sighed again. If only ...

...

The moonlight streamed into the room through the open window, after crossing the passage stealthily. She stood near the window and looked out at the open, silent corridor. What was she expecting? She thought. Or whom precisely.

The memories of that night still swarmed her senses and haunted her. She knew she wasn't in her senses completely though he was. She also knew it was a folly to blame him either but he could have controlled the situation. Maybe he couldn't control himself and his attraction got the better of him. Is he attracted to me, she thought, as she returned to her makeshift bed on the floor, knowing fully well that he would not enter the room until and unless she feigned sleep. He had been careful enough to avoid coming into the room when she was there, giving her the time that she required. He had told her sorry a number of times, but did he really mean it? She kept on thinking.

She was in a vulnerable state when she returned from the Circuit House! She was terrified ... terrified of giving up herself to the man she supposedly despised the most. And she didn't know what to do! She was surrounded by people who wouldn't understand her, she thought. And she did the next thing available to her ... blame him, yell at him, hold him responsible for everything. If only he had stopped ... she sighed as she lay down on her bed, forcing her eyes close. If only she could forgive herself for yielding to such rich temptation ...

She felt uncomfortable and sat up after a while. Why was she feeling restless? She was tired, she knew it. All the running after her sister-in-law constantly was taking its toil physically; and mentally also she was on the edge. Every day was like a fight for her, even with her mother-in-law's support. Yes! things wouldn't have been easier if his Mother had not supported her when she was falling apart! And in the process she had learnt to be more tolerant towards him. Why? She couldn't understand herself anymore. What happened to the burning wrath inside her? What happened to the girl who even in all adversities could bring herself to forgive others? What is it about him that holds her back?

She knew that she had to look forward now, she had considered her life over and spoilt after the incident but it was a thing of the past. She had to look after her family, be there for her allies in their struggle for freedom, think about herself ... and where did it leave him? Would she welcome him as a part of her life? Would she read the silent signals that his eyes were trying to communicate to her every day? Would she allow herself to consider his heart? And his soul? Would he change ever? Or would he just be her Achilles' heel forever?

Her past life was in front of her now, it would never fade away. Never. Ever. All those years of lost childhood, of being tough on the outside, of cultivating a don't care attitude ... could she continue like this forever? Could she ever learn to share her feelings and words and emotions with this man? Could she do all these? Could she?

If only she knew all these answers '

She could feel his presence all round him and it somehow seemed to pacify her.

If only ...

Note : Dear Friends, I just tried out something. Hope its alright. 😕