Ego vs Self Respect

(Sorry am posting as New Topic as it wouldnt let me reply in the already existing thread recently created by anjs)

Dear anjs, hi! It looks like I am one of those who DO think differently than you- and that's ok- that's what this forum is about in many ways :)

However, I would like to say that there is a very fine line between the Ego and Self-Respect...they seem the same from a distance but they are very different.

Ego is about making oneself feel better than whomever or whatever is on the receiving end. It is based from a place of fear, insecurity and feelings of vulnerability. Ego represents "power over" another- it costs another THEIR sense of self-worth in order to uplift YOU. Ego prohibits you from being open to others' needs, wishes, others' sense of self-worth and their personalities- it closes you off to only your needs, your point of view and your narrow view of your personality and only yours. It is an exaggerated and warped attachment to the Self. Ego exists because we deeply attach ourselves to our ideas and only our ideas- leaving no room for others even at the cost of their self-worth. Because ego makes one unhealthily attached to their idea of something, the person lives in a constant state of having to defend themselves by having power over others as well as control (i.e. Shanti as a prime example). Whenever someone offers a contrasting opinion, instead of seeing another's perspective, they have a warped sense of threat and they become deeply resentful of the person offering the contrasting idea. The person whose personality is dominated by ego cannot stand for their opinion or idea to come second to another's no matter what and so they can even use coercion, force, violence, bullying, deception- anything to just get that person to do, say, act as they want them to. Ego is built on wet sand- fear and insecurity.

Self-Respect is about confidence and self-assurance that in itself enables the person to stand confident in the choice or decision they have made that is ""seemingly"" against whomever or whatever is on the receiving end. It is not about power or control or being better than, it is simply being sure of oneself without needing to make the other feel inferior about it. It is about protecting the Self not at the cost of others in order to be better than them, but in order to keep the essence of Self intact. Without your sense of Self, you cease to be a free, thinking, independent human being. It is a form of self-love, of being your own best friend- not to get "one over" someone but to love, care for, consider, accept and believe in yourself and who you are at the core of your being. When you're able to do that for yourself only then are you able to "genuinely" do that for others or even go as far as to inspire them to be the same kind of person who respects themselves. When you fail to respect the Self, you become someone like Khusiya as an example- she has replaced respecting the core of her being with respecting someone outside of herself "first and foremost". That is key here- self respect is not about "not respecting others", its about respecting the person you are, the sense of rightness and wrongness within you FIRST before making others your idol. When you make others your idol, whether it be your husband, MIL or SIL you lose who you are at your core and you open yourself to abuse and mistreatment. You lose your own power. And Im not talking about power to control others- Im talking about self-empowerment...it all stems for respecting and honouring your Self- the core of WHO you are and what you see in the mirror and how much you like what you see in the mirror when the world falls away.

As an example you could compare a situation where a four year old says something negative and demeaning to you and a sixty five your old does the same. In the former- would you feel threatened and lash out (ego) or would you feel self assured that in this case you are right, you respect the child's perspective but you don't feel threatened by it and neither do you give in to them or allow them to mistreat you. You have a sense of self-respect, and so from a place of calmness and confidence you don't lash out at the child, you calmly explain things to them. You inspire them to see things in a different way ( i.e Riya in this situation- she does NOT lash out or get aggressive in tone or action with people). Whereas, if a grown adult started saying negative things to you and demeaning you most people would be more likely to feel threatened, vulnerable and be made to feel stupid. Your confidence goes right out the window (we are all children of our parents and that is one of the main reasons why many children do not stand up for themselves) and when you have no confidence in who you are at your core and are unwilling to keep it afloat, you have ZERO self respect. Some people react by cowering in fear and living a non-life while others feel so threatened that they lash out, they get aggressive, they shout out that they are better than, that how dare you speak back, how dare you question me, how dare you think for yourself, how dare you try to get out from under my thumb, how dare you start a new tradition, how dare you thing outside of the box, how dare you deviate from status quo...

There is a clear difference between your Ego and respecting your Self. The ego can present itself as fear (not speaking up, cowering, agreeing to everything another says no matter what, unable to think independently) and/or aggression (bullying, verbal/physical threatening, shouting, making scenes, emotional blackmail, resentment, guilt tripping and shaming) - examples are Khusiya, Shanti, Preeti, Shivam, Nimmi- have all dipped their toes in all of the above behaviours.

Self-respect presents itself as putting oneself first not primarily at the cost of others, but in order to keep the Self intact. It is confidence and self-empowerment- not power over others. It is a form of self-love. True respect aimed at oneself or another can never ever be negative in nature. Its just another word for love. It is a form of stability and being at peace with the Self because if you don't like who you are, you cant find peace within your Self and if you're not at peace with WHO you are then you certainly can never accept another, not truly. It doesn't look to man-handle others or force others to see your POV come hell or high water. And with all the rudeness, demands, emotional blackmail and constant jibes Riya has taken from that family- despite all that, she respects herself enough to put the CORE of who she is, first. In doing that she is able to respect others- she doesn't throw temper tantrums, or point fingers at people or insult them or get revenge on them or gossip about them. Shes doing the best she can without being a b**ch about it.

As for Riya allowing Shivam to sleep on the floor on their wedding night- I think you or someone has already said this before and I will reply again. Real, genuine Love is not pink and sparkly and is not some sort of fairytale where you sacrifice your self-respect for the other no matter what. When you really truly love each other you get to be angry, you get to throw plates at the walls and you get to swear to kingdom come at each other and after the dust has settled you realise that anger is just an expression of feelings of vulnerability, fear and insecurity in the relationship. When you love someone you move past all that. When you love someone you get to make them sleep on the floor or the couch whether they are a man or a woman because you get to feel REAL emotions with each other- not airy fairy stuff where love conquers all. It is messy, It is sticky and you have to be willing to get your hands dirty if you want to have a real relationship- not this sorry excuse of a relationship that has become Riya and Shivam's.