Part 4: The Confession
Naku felt the coolness of the water as it ran down the side of her forehead and she panicked. She watched Dutta closely to see his reaction, to see if the truth had not wanted to be hidden anymore...as if it had gotten tired of the games and just wanted to be. Naku did not see the reaction she would have expected, and a sense of relief swept over her. But these days that sense of relief was always mixed with guilt.
Naku straightened her back and sat up mainly by her own volition. But Dutta kept his hand around her upper back, not wanting to risk her lose her balance, and for the first time that he can remember, not wanting to separate from her, her touch. After a few silent moments, Naku tried to pull herself up. Dutta stood closely, observing her. She did not seem fully recovered, yet moved her body in a way as to say she can walk alone, that she was fine now. She started walking, and Dutta followed, periodically walk with her and then a few paces back. Naku again felt the insufferable heat pressing down on her head, and she seemed lost. This did not go unnoticed by Dutta, and before she could fall again, he grabbed her hand and led her on the path. He was fully cognizant of what he was doing, of what he was holding, but he was not about to change anything about it. Naku was surprised, his large hand completely engulfed her hand, just as his presence often engulfed hers. And he held it firmly. Naku allowed this, trying to look at him to see if he too had noticed what he was doing. "Saab" she said sometime later. Her eyes started watering, frustrated at herself and feeling guilty about his having to watch over her. She could not shake her sadness--that he could not understand her love, that he could not return it, that she was his responsibility only until they stepped foot out of the jungle and returned to the niwas. She was nothing to him, azaad. All these feelings had been snowballing in her, and finally they were seeping out, the closer they got to their different rastas. Naku looked at Dutta and her heart ached for him, everything ached for him. Why could he not understand her? Maaf...Naku started and stopped. "I am holding you back. We can go our ways now, I can follow the track. We are close."
Dutta looked back at her and understood implicitly what was driving her sadness, her frustration at herself...and him...and the situation over which she had no control. Naku leaned against a tree, looking at Dutta and then away so that he does not sense her sadness. So that he does not get annoyed with her.
"Naku, tereko pata hai...main tereko ekele nahi chodunga."
He looked at her to see if she understood, really understood his words, but how could she? "Saab, ap jaiye...me thodi dir mein aungi", she said as she held the tree with her two hands. "Bas...Naku...bas," Dutta roared as he stared her down. He turned around, running his fingers through his hair, clearly frustrated. Not at Naku, but rather at himself...at his inability to express that he had been realizing of himself and his feelings for her. Dutta knew her heart was breaking, and now so was his.
Watching his aggravation, Naku said softly, "Sorry Saab...it is time for us to go our separate ways..." she said. She raised her beautiful, big eyes at Dutta and tried to be strong. "I am honoring your faisla..."
Dutta almost raged at her. He came close to her, angry at her words, angry that she was saying these words again to him. They wounded him even more this time around. "Maine bola tha--tu mera faisla se azaad nahi hai." As usual, it did not come out right. Words of feeling always evaded him, and he struggled with them right now. He fought with them, trying to put together words that were true to his emotions. Naku got more upset the closer he came to her, and she grabbed at him, holding his kurta with both hands. "Main apse bahut pyar karti hu." she said. Itna pyar...she sobbed. Dutta knew the heat had much to do with Naku's breakdown, but he knew she meant those words with every ounce of her being. "I don't want to walk out of this jungle with you...you will be gone to me. That I have lost you." Dutta could not bear her words, her truthfulness, her endless love for him. So that was it...it was her fear of separation from him, the very thing that he too had begun to understand. That his life would be so different without her. And a part of him could not accept that.
In a few moments, Dutta's hands slowly rose to Naku's back, and he lay his head on her shoulder. And he let it rest there for some time that felt like forever. Naku felt his hands on her, and this made her even more hysterical. She moved her hands from his chest to shoulders, and then around his neck. So they stood there in each other's arms, against the tree. The sound of something moving in the trees caught their attention, and they moved away from the trees, still holding on to each other. Dutta raised his head and faced Naku. He took her face in his hands, and he said it. What had been emotions without form stirring in him, now became words.
"Naku, main tereko nahi chod sakta...tera aur mera rasta ek hain. ..."
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Next: The talk and the truth
Edited by gp00 - 15 years ago
Kumkum Bhagya
Tu Dhadkan Main Dil
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
