ONO!
A nightmare on a birthday
Story by: The Evil Ones (MNMS and Morgoth)
No, dear reader, this story is not another version of Lady in Pink's a.k.a. Eisha's favourite movie, OSO or Om Shanti Om. It is in fact, a story right out of Eisha's nightmares – the kind of story that makes her go "O NO!"
So, as we chuckle evilly (mwahahaha), let us tell you the story…
March 2, 2008
At a sparkling, moonlit hotel, somewhere in Paris, among glitterati (i.e. men and women dressed in authentic Govinda outfits)
She was wearing a floor length gown – the deepest rose coloured silk.
The man in front of her was the man of her dreams – sad hazel eyes, royal hooked nose, black hair slicked back into a super-short ponytail, adorable stammer (Ei-sh-sh-sha), black suit with a crown monogrammed on the pocket. She could read the word BADSHAH right over the crown. (They were the only two people who had resisted the lure of Govinda.)
For an animated picture of this hottie http://tinypic.com/flek.php?f=2zyvddc&s=2
There were scented white candles on the table, wax drops slid down them like tears. The aromatic scent of biryani spices floated towards her nose. Everything was right, perfect. So why was the man of her dreams crying? Why are there tears dripping down his angled cheeks?
[A song plays in the background:
Tum paas aaye, yoon muskuraye
Tumne na jaane kya sapne dikhaye
Ab to mera dil, har pal rota hai
Kya karoon haaye…]
"AAACHOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooonnnnnnn!"
A sneeze breaks the romance of the atmosphere.
"Gale mein Khich Khich Hota Hai," says a voice. "Halls hai kya? If my nose gets blocked, how will I sing? And if I don't sing, how will I earn money? If I don't earn money, how will I feed roti to my pretty new wife?"
The banquet hall is pervaded with two strong smells:
The first smell reminds one of Medicinal Sweetness:
http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=el6v7l&s=3
And the other smell is reminiscent of a home-cooked desi meal:
http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=xby6pt&s=3
The voice (loud, nasal) did nothing to reassure the lady in rose. After all, it was right out of a nightmare. She wanted to push it away. Unfortunately, the man/woman/thing(?) whom the nasal voice belonged to plopped down in the chair next to her and put his/her/its arm around her. He/She/It was covered from head to toe in a large black burkha.
[Parda hai parda, parde ke peeche tera pati hai]
"Ugh," Eisha said. "Who are you?"
He/She/It unveils him/her/itself to reveal the following:
Newspaper reporters and cameramen flocked towards the table. After all, this was a BREAKING NEWS http://tinypic.com/flek.php?f=30tideq&s=2
"Hello, Mrs. Eishu Reshammiya," the man said, his fanged teeth grinning at her fiendishly from a pair of scarlet lipsticked lips. He was wearing a bright, blinding pink cap with H. R. sequined on the top and a long blonde wig underneath. His bare chest had a large pink heart tattooed on it with the initials E. H. The rest of him was (thankfully) covered with a large black trench coat and faded, yellow Govinda jeans.
Yet another animation http://tinypic.com/flek.php?f=dqtxg&s=2
The man in the gaudy pink topi turned his attention to the man of Eisha's dreams.
"Shahrukh, it was so good of you to be my Best Man at the wedding!" he said.
"N-n-no problem, H-h-himesh," Shahrukh Khan stammered, with a brief, sad, puppy-dog look in Eisha's direction.
The colour (Loreal Pink # 002) drained out of Eisha's face. The man with the gaudy pink cap was her husband. It all came back to her in a horrifying FLASHBACK!
The priest stood before Eisha and Himmy and recited the holy wedding mantras:
"A plus B whole squared equals A squared plus 2 AB plus B squared, Om shanti om, Allahuakbar, you may now kiss the bride, dhanyavad, alvida, merci beaucoup."
Himmy leans towards Eisha…
END OF FLASHBACK!
A bloodcurdling howl echoed through the hotel banquet hall. Himmy was rubbing is bearded brown cheek and sobbing.
"Oooooooooooooooonnnnnn, huzooooon, my bride, my jaanoooo, why did you slap me?" He demanded, his beady eyes squinting at Eisha over the swelling on his rouged cheek.
"Let me tell you why," Eisha snapped, eyes flashing.
"Kyunki…" she began.
"…Saas bhi k-k-kabhi bahu thi?" Shahrukh suggests.
"NO," Eisha said.
"…Himmy naak se gata hai?" Shahrukh asked hopefully.
"NO!" Eisha yelled. "I mean YES, but not exactly. ONO! What a mess this is turning out to be! I will have to sing now to get my message across."
Eisha cleared her throat and turned towards her husband:
"Ooooooooooooonnnnnn ooooooonnnn oooonnnn
Jaanwar banaya, Jaanwar banaya, Jaanwar banaya aapne!"
After which she stopped singing as most of the glitterati were falling out of their chairs, clutching their ears in pain. "NO more, NO more," they cried.
"O all right!" Eisha snapped at them. She turned towards Shahrukh, who guiltily removed his fingers from his ears.
"SATTAR minutes!" she boomed. "I am giving you SATTAR minutes to fix this mess!"
"Huh?" Shahrukh was speechless.
"Well, what's the point of you being a HERO if you cant save me from my nightmare?" Eisha asked him logically. "Go on! CHAK DE! Please?"
"B-b-but I need K-k-karan to give me a script, I need Farah to choreograph my dhishum dhishum scenes, I need Red Chillies to procure all the camera equipment…"
"O you're useless!" Eisha said, disappointed.
"B-b-but, O!" Shahrukh grew excited and bounced on his feet. "I have an idea!"
"What?" asked Eisha, Himmy and Umamah.
"Why don't you talk to the authors of this story?" Shahrukh suggested. "The Evil Ones MNMS and Morgoth?"
"But they're the ones who created this nightmare!" Eisha raged. "Why should I ask them for help?"
"Well," Shahrukh said hesitantly, "You really have two choices:
a) Ask The Evil Ones for help
b) Do not ask The Evil Ones for help"
If your choice is (a), highlight the pink arrows
If your choice is (b), highlight the purple arrows
Since you HAVE asked us for help, we shall concede and take you out of the nightmare >:)
"Himmy vanishes and Eisha and Shahrukh live happily ever after!" Khush? Happy Birthday, Shaitan!
So you HAVE NOT asked us for help. However, since it is your birthday, we shall be Less Evil and STILL take you out of the nightmare >:)
"Himmy vanishes and Eisha and Shahrukh live happily ever after!" Khush? Happy Birthday, Shaitan!
B-b-but, wait a bit.
This is not the end, but the beginning. The beginning of a New Beginning for Eisha's unfortunate, ditched, and now ex-husband Himmy.
This is what happened once the divorce was finalized:
HR dons his trademark cap and morose expression and ventures into African deserts to meditate and simply forget his sadness at being royally dumped. There, between hillocks of cream-coloured sand, he comes across a lithe figure in black…
For an animated picture of this lovely damsel/? http://tinypic.com/flek.php?f=358qt1j&s=2
It was love at second sight for Himesh had seen the lovely damsel before in another place, amongst other glitterati, when she looked like this:
Another heart-stopping animation http://tinypic.com/flek.php?f=2rr1kdz&s=2
And, now, dear reader, it would be safe for us to state that they all lived happily ever after.
But what's a birthday without messages from friends?
sweet_kp says:
Happppppy birthdayyyyy my darling Veeruuuuu!!🤗 Gosh, has it been 2 years?? 2 amazing years. Here's a huge 🤗 for our friendship anniversary and your bday!! I love you, you know that right? *mwah* You rock, and always will. My wish for you this year, is to keep yourself healthy all year round! May all your wishes come true! 🤗
lots and lots of love,
zaaru
MNMS says:
Happy Birthday My Sweet baby doll!! 🤗🤗
For you being my friend is absolutely a miracle and I thank God for that. You are one of the most understanding, loving, caring and sweet person and you have no idea how much I am grateful to my luck for that debate contest which provided the base for our friendship. Thank you for being there for me.. in my tough times as well as those GMS crazy times 😆 with our crazy convos and random rants. That's what friends are for 😉
So now that you are 16.. and its "Sweet" 16 😉 I hope you enjoy your birthday to the fullest and have a real blast. I wish that this year.. and all the years to come will prove to be your best years, I hope you succeed in every field.. and all your wishes come true 😃
Love you loads… love you forever.
Sam says:
Eishuuuuuuuu
My cute n sweet "daddy" 😉
Will never ever forget the fun we have when we get together on chat, and trust me, i wish it happens more often!!! 🤗
Hope this new year for you brings you the bestest of health, love and happiness, coz you deserve it completely!!!
Love you loads and loads, and hope for another ROCKING birthday for you!!!
Happy birthdayyyyyyyy
Aaj ke naam, SRK ke naam 😉
Love you,
Sam! (your loving beti)
Gurprit says:
Happy Birthday Baby E! 🤗
Hope all your wishes and dreams come true! May this coming year bring loads and loads of happiness and success! I miss you alot Baby E😳 Due to the time differences we can hardly talk!
Hope you come back in action soon! SRK will always be urs Baby E! Have an awesome day! Make sure you save some cakee!😃
Love you❤️,
Baby G!
Ammmu says:
Eishu beishuuuuuuuuuuu, Happy Birthday yaar!! 🤗🤗🤗
First of all, I'm katti with you... havent talked to you in forever yaar! 😔 I miss the chats before, in EEs, or fighting abt SRK, or just in general... I've known you since I've come into the Dev Team, 1 1/2 yrs back (I think? 😛 ), and I must say I'm so blessed to have a friend like you. We may not talk so much, and I know you're really busy now too, but whenever I do talk to you I feel so nice... Aaahh, I remember the EE days, they seem so far away yet I'll always cherish them.. do come and visit sometime, and I hope to catch up with you soon.. miss you loads yaar, have a fantastic birthday and i'll tell SRK to wish you too! 😉 😳
Love, Anku 🤗🤗
NadiaIqbal says:
Hi Eishu
Many many happy return of the day....
Love Nadz😳
~Saraa~ says:
Hey Eishu🤗
I know we dont know each other, but still jsut wanted to wish u.
Hope you have a great one.
PS: leave a piece of cake for me😃
Lub ya
Saraa
Juleka says:
Happy Birthday Eishu 🤗
OMG i haven't talked to you in like a gazillion years😳, Many Many happy returns of the day jaanu. I hope you are blessed with all the happiness and success that you totally deserve in life. Have so missed our chats will have to catch up soon
Hope this year is full of success for you, Have a great day
You know what they say diamond are a girls best friend😳
Juleka
Morgoth says:
Dear Shaitan,
Hope your day is wonderful and hope we managed to put a smile to your face (even though we did replace your academic nightmare with another one, hehehe)
Love always,
Morgoth
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
Udne Ki Aasha
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