Guilt: Abhi OS

"Payal, I want to relax for sometime. Just don't let anyone in", I asked my secretary as I walked inside my van.

"Sure, Sir", said the pretty girl closing the door for me.

I was shooting for the video for my latest album. It had been a hectic schedule. I had been here at the location since early morning, and we were doing a complicated dance sequence with several costume changes. I just wanted to have a final look at today's shots before I called it a day so that we decide if we needed to shoot anything again. I had some time to kill while our editor put together the videos.

I was feeling tired and restless. My last album was not as big as a hit I expected it to be. So the pressure was high on this one. I had put day and night together to compose those 10 songs for this album. And now I had hired the best in the country to direct the music video. We were doing special effects and animation too. My goal was to break all my previous records with this album. I was excited as well as nervous about this project as if it is my first album. Well, I did get hyper when it came to my work, sometimes.

I sat on my recliner and stretched my limbs. I contemplated on smoking a cigarette or having a beer. I still had half an hour for the editor to finish his job, I couldn't decide how to kill time. I then heard my phone ringing.

"Sorry to disturb, Sir. Tannu madam's secretary is here. He says madam wants to see you", Payal informed.

"Let her in", I instructed Payal.

Tannu was the model for my music video. She was a supermodel and Miss India from last year. I am glad she agreed to do this album because to have her on board will help my sales for sure given she is hot and pretty. She called herself my biggest fan, but so did so many others. I had found her trying to be way too friendly with me but a lot of people do that to me anyway. I always had a hard time figuring out who was genuine and who wanted favors. And this industry worked on favors at many levels, so I was not amused.

"Rockstar Abhi!!", Tannu walked towards me as I thought about her.

"Hi Tannu", I got up and reciprocated to the hug she offered. She hugged me tight before letting me go.

"So, what's up? We will be done today. It worked out pretty well", I said showing her a seat to occupy.

"Well, that's why I am here", said Tannu.

"Yeah?", I looked at her wanting to know what she really wanted.

"Well, let me be frank. My goal has always been movies. This modeling won't last forever in this country. And you know I am really passionate about acting. So...", Tannu moved her chair closer to mine. I looked at her trying to judge what she really wanted.

"I was wondering if you would have me in for your next project too. Actually I heard you were doing a movie with Mr. Kapoor. So..", she elaborated.

"It's not really like I am acting in a movie. The story has a singer depicting the tale of two lovers and they are using me and my songs in the background", I told her about the upcoming project.

"Yeah, but they are still looking out for the heroine, I heard. If you could recommend me...", Tannu held my hand.

"Well, Tannu.. give me your portfolio with your best pictures, I will have it passed on to Mr. Kapoor's office", I said retracting my hands from hers.

"Actually Abhi, you know just passing on won't work. You may want to personally recommend me", she said as she got up and moved closer to me.

"Well, I can definitely tell him over the phone or if I get a chance to meet him next week", I said looking up at her.

"Hmm, but you have to really stress my name you know. Not just mentioning. I am sure if you recommended me really, Mr. Kapoor will not refuse", she placed her hand on my shoulder marking circles with her fingers.

"Tannu, I told you I will talk to Mr. Kapoor. If he is interested he will give you a call and audition you", I tried to get up.

"Please get me that movie. I will do anything for you", she said not really allowing me to get up by holding my hands.

"Tannu, what are you doing?" I said looking at her in shock.

"I can do whatever you want. Anything. Don't shy away, Rockstar", she said moving closer, with her leg brushing mine slightly.

"Girl, I am not into this. This won't work. Drop it", I said trying to get up.

She held my hand now trying to lock her fingers with mine.

"You are worried about this? She will never know. No one will ever know, just between us", she said running her finger over my wedding ring.

"Tannu, back off", I said sternly holding her hand and stopping it moving from further on my hand.

"Abhi, I always admired you. You were my crush, my hero. I used to have your posters all over my room, I still do. You will not regret this. Try me just once. I am better than anything you have ever seen before", she said licking her lips, and suddenly drawing her front zip down that opened up her cleavage in my view. Her legs exposed well over her knees brushed my legs more obviously now as she had quickly moved between my legs.

For a moment I closed my eyes as I felt all my senses awakened as she moved closer to sit on my lap. Her big, prominent breasts were taunting my eyes while I tried to look away.

And then I remembered her breasts; those small, perky breasts that hugged my head every night, when I went to sleep.

That was it.

I held Tannu's arms and pushed her away from me. I ended up doing it so forcefully that she hit the table nearby.

"Just get out of here. Else, I will re shoot this song with someone else", I shouted as I walked out of my van.

"Payal, I am leaving. Tell the editor I will look at the clips tomorrow. He can come home", I told Payal and asked my driver to take me home.

I left out a long breath as the driver took the car out of the studio.

I was feeling awkward and nervous. I was feeling as if I did something wrong.

Was I guilty?

For that one moment I thought I had completely lost myself when Tannu was close to me. It was just a moment. But the point was that moment happened. It existed.

I work with skimpy clothed, pretty women all the time. I work closely, literally closely with them. There are certain body reactions I do feel once in a while. But my mind is never into it. What happened today? Why did I give in, in that moment? Was it just a moment or was it more?

I was feeling so uneasy. I asked the driver to drive faster. He did his best and took short cuts to take me home quicker. I was glad I wasn't driving. I would have crashed into something with the way I felt unsettled.

"Fuggy...", as soon as I reached home, I called out for my wife. I didn't see her in the living room or kitchen and felt it would be good is she is already in our room.

"Abhi, you are home? Pragya said you will be late", said my grand aunt, Indu Daasi.

"Where is Pragya, Daasi?", I enquired.

"She has gone to Gurdwara with your grandmother. I couldn't accompany them since I have cold. They have this akhand path prayers there. Do you want to have dinner?", said Indu Daasi.

"I am not hungry. Do you want any medicine, Daasi?", I asked my grand aunt and she said she had already taken them. Asking her to rest I went to my room.

I just wanted my Fuggy right there, right then. I missed her so much. I knew calling her would not help since they would not abandon the Gurdwara and come in between. I paced in my room here and there for a long time. I drank a glass of water and sat on the bed.

Pragya, whom I fondly called Fuggy, was my wife of one year now. I had married her reluctantly due to my grandmother going on a hunger strike. I was so unsure of my marriage and I had no idea how to live with a wife but she made all the difference in the world. She taught me how one cares, trusts and loves another person as she showed it with her love for me. I wasn't left with any option but to hopelessly adore her and fall in love with her in the first few months of our marriage itself. She was so sweet and kind.

But then, she wasn't like the other women I had dated before I married her. She dressed up very modestly, never showed any skin, never walked in heels, never tried to impress me but I had found myself head over heels attracted to her. She was not just there for me in bed, but when I wanted to vent out my anger and when I wanted to cry out my frustrations. She was my hiding place when everyone in the world wanted a piece of me. I didn't really know how to precisely describe what she was to me, but I had come to believe I couldn't imagine living without her.

Perhaps this is why I felt so low for that one moment I had lost myself with Tannu.

"Indu Daasi said you came home early. You should have told me", finally she came inside the room, closing the door behind her.

"Fuggy", I ran and hugged her to my heart's content.

"Arey, what happened to you? First eat this prashad", she fed me the halwa she got from Gurdwara as usual. I never believed in God or went to temples but never had the heart to refuse the prashad she got just for me.

"Did you have dinner?", she enquired as I tried to take her to bed.

"I just want you now", I told her directly as I started to remove her kameez.

"What are you doing?", she said blushing. It has been these many months but my Fuggy would blush just the way she did the first time I touched her. That just made her all the more appealing to me.

I undressed her top clothes and set her on the bed. I covered us both with a blanket. I placed my head in her breasts and sighed.

"What happened? Something wrong? You felt bad about something?", she asked me caressing my head. It never took her more than a minute to guess my mood.

I contemplated if I should tell her about Tannu or not. My issue was what if she felt bad thinking about another woman getting close to me. But I could not keep the guilt I was facing for the last couple of hours in my head. I never could keep secrets and issues in my head anyway. I didn't think again and gave her an account of what happened with Tannu.

She stopped caressing my head and held me tighter.

"Fuggy, I am sorry. I had no idea she would try something like that. I was perhaps taken aback at her sudden move. I didn't realize her to have those intentions the whole time I worked with her", I explained.

"It's not your fault. I need to do that evil eye ritual on you tomorrow. It will keep away all those women who have their evil eye on you", she said with determination.

"That broom burning ritual? Not again Fuggy!!!!", I laughed at her rolling her on to her back and noticed a film of tears in her spectacle covered eyes. I removed her glasses and asked what she was thinking.

"Thank you for sharing all that with me. You could have not told me anything at all. You could have slept with her and not told me at all. But you shared. It just strengthens my faith in you. Honestly, I do worry about all those pretty women around you. But I also believe in your genuine eyes, in your pure heart and in your love. And I know you will not betray me. Don't feel guilty about that one fraction of a moment. It's human and I understand. But I am proud of you, that you have it in you to share this with me. I love you", she wrapped her arms around me to hug me.

"I love you too, Fuggy", I said hugging her as tight as I could. I felt so much better.

I cuddled with her for the next few moments before heat built up on us. I switched off the lights because the darkness often gave my shy doll Fuggy powers to turn into a little vixen. And tonight was one such night where she was claiming me as hers with all the more possessiveness.

And I was so ready to be possessed in her love.