I'll just leave this here.
Part 1
She'd never imagined herself ending up like this.
Seriously, never in her wildest imagination would she picture herself being like this.
"Abhi, how many times have I told you to call before coming over? That's what visitors do before they come visit, they make a call first. Why can't you understand simple manners?"
"Don't get your knickers in a twist, chashmish. You can be such a drama queen sometimes. And to answer your questions; one, you've only told me about, eh, I don't know.. four times? That's not a lot, to be honest. And two, I'm not just some visitor, thank you very much. I'm your rockstar-ex-husband-turned-buddy-who-happens-to-be-very-cordial-about-our-divorce--"
"Alright, alright! I get it. What I still don't understand is why you keep on doing this!"
The tall man was sprawled across her couch, his long legs hanging over the seat with one hand behind his head while the other sporadically switched the channel on her 21" plasma screen TV. He was wearing a navy blue Ralph Lauren polo shirt with the collars upright, his treasured dog tags dangling from his neck. Abhi had his back turned towards her so from Pragya's vantage point, she could make out the solid wall of muscles straining against his shirt.
At least he's been well fed.
"Surely you didn't think I'd driven for two whole hours just to watch a re-run--"
"That's exactly what you're doing--"
"Fine! I needed a place to crash, okay? I don't feel like returning home so I came here to unwind a little. Cut me some slack, woman, I just finished a whole week of promo tour!"
"Well, thank you for gracing me with your presence. My days were incomplete without you."
Pragya couldn't help answering back sarcastically. She was shuffling papers messily, trying to find a document she needed for the symposium held later that day. She had no time for small talk.
She caught the flinch Abhi tried to hide.
"You alright?"
"Yeah! Of course, why wouldn't I be? You go do your thing, I reckon I'll stay here and put my feet up for a while."
Pragya hovered uncertainly near the foot of the couch, she glanced down at her ex-husband's languid form, and after checking her watch for the umpteenth time that morning, she started repeating the words he now knew by heart.
"OK. Feel free to get anything from the fridge, don't forget to turn the lights off whenever you leave a room, and return the keys to its usual spot near the yellow flower pot."
He made a shooing motion with his hand and kept his eyes trained on the TV screen. He heard her huff in annoyance, picking up a few of her muttered words followed by the sound of the front door clicking shut not long after. Only when he was absolutely sure she was out of the room did he sit up and put his head in his hand, letting out a deep sigh. He stared at the empty space between his elbows.
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Ever since getting divorced, Pragya decided to take drastic measures to live the life she never had. She never gave herself permission to live outside her comfort zone, there was always that sense of restraint keeping her from living the life she's always wanted; whether it was misplaced loyalty towards her family, her low self-esteem, or the acute fear of being rejected, it was all the trappings of her old life and it took a pathetic divorce to make her realize how poorly she's been living. They say life begins at the end of your comfort zone-- and she thinks maybe it's true. Living by herself was one of the most liberating, wisest decisions she has ever taken.
As she faced the intruder trespassing on private property, she couldn't really remember why she was so adamant on living alone.
Alright, I got the basic self-defense moves down pat. Weakest point: solar plexus. Underneath the sternum. Got it. An elbow to the solar plexus because.. because.. doesn't matter why, Pragya! Just focus!
She held the pepper spray out in front of her, arms straight as a rod. The poor lighting made it almost impossible to see anything beyond her living room, making the silhouette of whoever broke into her house indiscernible. The suspicious sound came from the area just to the left of the front door. She caught sight of a light switch not five meters away and tiptoed silently towards it. Easy.. easy.. a few more steps.. there!
Click!
Her eyes widened at the sight before her. The intruder seemed completely unruffled at the bewildered woman before him. She stood looking at him, her mouth agape, the arm holding tightly onto the pepper spray trembling with a strange combination of anger and relief.
"You! What are you doing here? It's 4 o'clock in the morning! Are you out of your mind?"
"I need a place to crash--"
"No. What are you thinking?"
"--I don't want to go back home, I can't get bothered checking in a hotel, and I'm totally beat. Are you going to stay there all day? Get me some blankets.. oh and maybe some pillows? I always wake up with a crick in my neck after sleeping on that couch."
She had the strongest urge to pepper-spray Abhi right in the eyes. She felt her heartbeat finally slowing down, only to have it pick up speed at his audacity. The nerve of this man!
"Go home, Abhi. You think I'm running a bed & breakfast? I've got an early morning tomorrow--"
"Today."
"--and I can't afford to-- wait, what?"
"Technically, the tomorrow you're referring to is today, so.."
"Oh, don't get smart with me! I'm tired of you popping up unannounced.
"It's not like this is the first time, chashmish. Will you take a chill pill?"
Abhi casually unzipped his bomber jacket and threw it carelessly onto a nearby buffet. He strolled across the clearing and passed by an indignant Pragya without so much as an apology for waking her up. He made his way to the kitchen, heading towards the fridge. With one hand perched on the handle, he glanced behind his shoulder and thoughtfully looked at Pragya who followed him grudgingly to the kitchen, arms now on either side of her body.
"Hm.. have you gotten me the ginger ale that I asked? The one with the blue label?"
"I have other things to deal with, you know, I can't always look after you. You've got a job, a home, a plethora of followers, plentiful of anti-fans, a fiancee you can bother; why do you always have to give me a hard time?"
Pragya was about to open her mouth when she caught sight of the flickering of emotion in Abhi's obsidian orbs. It came and went so fast that she didn't have time to ruminate on it. He gave his signature goofy grin and Pragya was tempted to kiss it off his handsome face.
What? I did not just say that. Nope.
He turned his body around to face her and leaned against the fridge. An aggravating smirk back on his face.
"Chashmish, you don't have to pretend you don't like me coming over to your place all the time. Your fridge is stocked to the brim and you always leave a spare key for me to use. Fine, I won't force you to admit it, but I know that you secretly wait for me everyday--"
"Dream on!"
"--and you like me filling your empty apartment with my presence! I'm literally doing you a favour, chashmish."
"Excuse me?! I don't need a keeper! Yes, my apartment is empty but I don't feel the need to fill it with anybody's presence just for the sake of it. I'm not lonely, I don't need you, I'm doing quite fine on my own! Now leave before I change my mind about the spare key. Go!"
She was angry now, her inflections were mild, but her voice was so hard. He could see it in the way her brows were deeply furrowed, deep-set frown marring her beautiful face. He missed that face. Everyday. Day in, day out, it's always her face he'd see. It was both a blessing and a curse. In the dim light as activity peak to early dawn, he tried memorizing the familiar face staring defiantly at him, he tried engraving the curves and edges in his mind. He tried being blase, because that's all he could do these days, and he'd never tell a single soul how hurtful it was hearing the conviction in her voice.
"Oh ho, don't be so dramatic, fuggy! If it really is too much trouble for the madam then I'll be on my way. Your couch is too lumpy anyway."
He walked with deliberate slowness from the kitchen and after gathering his jacket, fnally reached Pragya's front door going out where he came in.
Pragya tried calming her breath, a slither of guilt appeared the instant she realized Abhi gave up with little to no fight. He rarely did that--back down during their countless arguments--and she had the strongest urge to apologize.
No! Stop it, don't feel bad for him. He's been riling you up non-stop, you should be relieved.
It was only after the door shut quietly behind him that he allowed the tight smile to fall off his face. He knew her words shouldn't ever get to him, he deserved them all, but the finality in her voice made him want to punch a wall. Or a face. His own face to be specific. Why did he have to ruin the best thing that has ever happened to him?
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He crossed the corridor leading towards her apartment with purposeful strides. He's never been this resolute about something. To passsersby, Abhi looked like someone on the warparth, but if you look closely enough you'll simply get a very determined man. He was, after all, a man on a mission.
Pragya was in the middle of seperating egg yolk from white when she heard heavy-handed knocks on the door. She absentmindedly wiped her hands on the dish towel to her right and hurriedly made her way to the door. Her smile faltered at the sight that greeted her, Abhi was standing with his hands in his pocket and a playful smirk on his face, rocking on the balls of his feet. She hated the nervous fluttering in her stomach. She hated that her palms easily sweat even though she wasn't doing anything taxing at all. She hated that he can still make her feel this way; like a schoolgirl facing her crush.
"You gonna let me in or what?"
She contemplated silently. Pragya didn't want to start a fight with him, she had a whole day planned to relax and unwind, she didn't want to ruin it by arguing with an ex-husband in front of her door for other tenants to see. She reluctantly stepped aside and Abhi didn't need to be told twice.
Abhi dropped his body unceremoniously on the couch and streched his long legs under the coffee table. He then reached for the TV remote and started channel-surfing. Pragya returned to the kitchen island and picked up a whisk. They were both engrossed in their own activities for quite long, neither one wanting to bother the other. Though Abhi remained silent sans a few small chuckles at the TV host's exaggerated antics, Pragya noticed him stealing glances when he thought she wasn't looking. Tired of his furtive glances, she decided to speak up.
"Alright. Abhi, is everything all right at home?
A grunt was the only response she got from him. She poured the carrot cake batter into a pan, gave it a few taps on the counter, and then placed it on the oven rack. After making sure the temperature was right, she started making the cream cheese frosting. She lasted five minutes before trying again.
"Are you sure? You rarely spend your time at home. I mean, if you come here directly from the studio or whatever activity you were doing for the day, then you don't really spend any time with your family."
With his eyes still glued to the TV screen he answered Pragya's question with another one.
"What are you trying to say?"
There was quite a bite to his words but Pragya chose to ignore it. She continued on indifferently.
"It's just that I'm a little curious why you spend so much time here when you have other places to go to or other things to do. I'm pretty sure you'd rather spend your weekend with Tanu than--"
"It's over. Me and Tanu broke up."
"--laying around on my couch-- what? Did you just say you two broke up?"
"Yeah. We're not engaged anymore."
"How.. what.. why did you two break up?"
Pragya lost interest in her delicious vanilla-scented frosting and hastily walked around the counter to sit on the ottoman opposite Abhi. He refused to look at her, preferring the outrageous stunts on the TV programme instead.
"Abhi, I'm talking to you. So you've called off the wedding? Just like that?"
"Pretty much, yeah."
She stared openly at the impassive man in front of her. He seemed different, detached, almost as if he's not really with her. She snapped her fingers in his face.
"Hey! What's wrong with you? Why are you acting this way? I thought you wanted to marry Tanu, that's the whole point of this divorce."
It pained her to bring up the subject, it always will. No matter how long time has passed, the profound pain of having him, albeit very shortly, and losing him will never truly go away. Some days the remaints of her broken dreams would unarm her and she'd buckle under the weight of her despair. There have been better days too, she supposes, when the excruciating pain ebb away into a dull ache deep in the recesses of her heart. Waking up each morning was easier on those days.
There was that strange emotion in his eyes again. She saw it appear and disappear all under one second. If he was hiding his true feelings this well, she wonders how many times during their short-lived marriage she was fooled to believe anything he said. He sat back against the seat and watched her from under hooded eyes. With arms crossed over his chest, he let out a weary sigh.
"Why am I acting this way? I don't know. I've been asking myself the same question every single day since meeting you. Why did I act the way I did during out marriage? Why do I act like this towards you after our divorce? I have no idea why. I can't give you answers, it will never be enough to explain why I acted the way I did."
He hefted himself away from the seat and leaned forward with elbows digging into his knees. He steepled his hands under his chin, fingertips just reaching his lips, his gaze direct as he studied her with penetrating eyes. She held herself upright, trying her damnedest not to squirm, and brushed away a nonexistent wrinkle in her dress.
"That doesn't really answer why you've called it quits with her. Or why you insist on coming over to my place all the time."
"Yeah. Some things don't need explanation."
"Oh, but they do. That's my couch you're sleeping on, mister, and I can't just let you stay over at my place for the rest of my life. What would other tenants say?"
"Just tell them you husband is sleeping over. Problem solved."
Pragya looked at Abhi incredulously. She wanted to correct the slip of his tongue but shook her head instead. She sighed inaudibly and relaxed her posture. With the gentle voice that Abhi was oh-so-familiar with, Pragya tried to steer them back to the at hand.
"How long have you split up with Tanu? Are you going to try to fix your relationship with her? Is that why you're here, trying to ask me for help? Because I'd help you, you know. I'm not much good at relationships but you can always get womanly advice from me."
She laughed humourlessly at her own attempt of keeping the atmosphere light. It pained her (no surprise there!) to spit out the words. But she needed to. She was going to move on and not hold grudges, on anyone, not even the woman who took Abhi away from her. That was the only way to live. If she hated them, she'd never truly be freed from their clutches. Forgiveness was her first step, it was what came after that was difficult to carry through. She was making baby steps, it was slow and painful but in good time everything will start falling into place.
"Abhi.. Abhishek, don't hesitate to ask me for help. We might not be married anymore but I'm not going to alienate myself from you. I want happiness for the both of us, and it must be killing you to lose Tanu after fighting for her for so long. You know what, I'll help you get her back. I'll tell her how much you've done, how much you've sacrificed to be with her."
Abhi, on the other hand, only realised he had been biting hard on his tongue after noticing the metallic taste of iron. He clenched his teeth as he listened to her spew words of noble-minded offering. He wanted to shake her.
"I don't need your help with Tanu! The only thing you could do is let me stay here when I can't face anyone at home. I can't even stay too long in that place."
She was struck by the realization: his family blamed him for their divorce!
"Abhi, does Daadi blame you for our divorce?"
"No. Yes. I don't know. Everything is screwed up. I just need a place to rest, okay? Is that too much to ask? I can always book a room but I can't sleep with all the silence. I've already tried so you should just stop suggesting me to go find a hotel!"
"I could talk to her--"
"No! Don't do anything! You've already made it worse by leaving."
He gruffly muttered the words but it did the same damage had he been shouting it to her.
She felt tears pooling up in the corner of her eyes. She turned away from the angry man before her and quickly stood up, walking towards the kitchen.
"Where're you going?"
She didn't want to turn back to face him lest the tears really did fall. She had to keep herself busy because it was so easy for this man to catch her completely unguarded. She spent nights keeping it up, buiding a fortress to protect her heart from further damage and look what good that did. She needlessly banged pots and pans to create enough noise to drown out the blood rushing in her ears. She almost knocked him out with a frying pan when she felt hands gripping onto her elbows form behind.
"Didn't you say your neighbour just had a baby? You're going to wake up a newborn baby with all the noise."
He spoke the words directly in her ear. She could feel the heat emanating from his body.
Too close too close too close.
She turned around in one movement and shoved him away. He looked down at her broodingly, refusing to budge even after she tried to step away from the cage of his body.
"I wasn't done talking to you."
Pragya stared into his chest, not making eye contact. She didn't like this side of Abhi, he knows body contact is a weakness of hers and he uses it to full advantage. He uses their close proximity to unarm her, make her vulnerable. She thoroughly disliked this side of Abhi.
Only after his phone started ringing, alerting an incoming call, did he step back. Pragya let out a breath she didn't know she was holding and quietly walked away from the kitchen, hearing him arguing with someone on the other line. She didn't know exactly how long she left Abhi in the kitchen, but when she retuned to get the cake out of the oven, she saw him still engaged in a phone call. This time there was only muted replies from Abhi, he was gravely listening to whatever his caller had to say and didn't even notice Pragya's return. For the most part Abhi gave low, irritated grunts and short remarks. His caller seemed to have a lot to say.
Pragya was carefully spreading the frosting when Abhi's call finally ended. She glanced up at him and saw the dark scowl on his face. He headed towards the living room to fetch his jacket and cap.
"I've got to go. I'll see you tomorrow."
The door slammed shut in his wake and Pragya stood dazedly at the turn of events. She continued spreading the cream cheese frosting on the cake with her thoughts a million miles away.
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