FF-Benaam khwaayishein-FINAL CHAPTER-PAGE#78 - Page 58

Car queued up bumper to bumper, edging forward and stopping only to start again and When the light turned red, he stopped, he sighed, he knelt over the steering and later switching off the AC, he rolled down the windows... the night pricking at his skin, cold, moist and somewhere near, he heard the sea, the disgusting smell of fish and gutter inhaled inside his lungs in tiny puff of air...His veins molten , his thoughts scattered and when he parked his car near the sea, the rumble of waves , the agony of lonely night and his legs stumbling out , he stood bereft, a slight shudder and his hands locking around his chest...he retrieved his mobile to call Niharika but only to change his mind, preferring to be alone for sometime but only to end up thinking about her-about Nidhi and suddenly feeling awful , a latent emotion which cannot be acted out, a guilt and part of shame shadowing his face for things he has done , for things he shouldn't have done, a part of him regretted for doing that to Nidhi but a part of him never regretted, strange yet true, something which he hated about himself...

His legs taking him forward along with his thoughts, until He is up the path, farther than he ever gone or imagined to gone, the walk was dark and the night freezing cold, above him faint moonlight flickered and the sea roared in his ears ...

When he was a kid he had come here once, with his father but his mother , she had sat in the car looking at them walk, walk and walk under the burning sun until their feet burned and they had to run to the water, warm and frothy, sprinkling across their faces...

It is a memory now, a memory warm enough to light his soul, soft enough to tickle the hard edges of his heart and then it is gone, he is colder now but not much as he used to feel but still it haunted him, brushing him, grabbing him by arm and leading him back to a time, once upon a time, before being a bad husband, a bad father, a cheater, there was a boy named Rohan, he remember him now, remember him walking with his father into the warm and frothy water , laughing and giggling , he was good then , he was a little boy but as he grew up he became bad , very, very bad...He has become a disappointment, he is such a disappointment from a long time, he don't even remember from when but he do remember his father had said that first, The words swift ,blunt and hard had hit him on his face and his grade card left flinging on his face ...He had cried then, sitting on his knees with just a whisper of his mother "try harder next time" she had said and he had tried harder, consoling himself with those words, with just the whisper of his mother and he had tried only to reach up to the expectation of his father but only to end up on his knees, his cries harder next time and the word "disappointment" more crueler , shuddering and such a burden, crushed under the possibility of huge expectations leaving him no chance to survive and in desperate attempt to rise from the depth's eventually he had sought the other way around, the wrong one, being the bad , one being a disappointment , a real one...!

He had bunked classes, skipped exams , came up with all possible excuses to justify his wrong doings, a lair, manipulative and he roamed with the wrong sorts and when his father muttered "I knew this is you, I knew this is how you turn out to be" he had laughed, not giving an answer but boiling from inside, young blood rebellious in nature, hurt and so bitter, wandering around the world , hating the word, he hated when someone used it, the roll of tongue and twisting of lips and the jaw sliding forward millimeter, enough to let you know that other person is judging you, weighing you and rejecting you in some way-"Disappointment", he wanted to spit on their face, shove them away even before they could break him with their glare. He wanted to hide somewhere, go anywhere, where he will not hear that word "Disappointment..." and when Nidhi came in his life, he wanted to ask her this, a question, more intimate than the thumping of his heart

"Have you ever felt like a disappointment?"

He so wanted to ask her but he did not, he could not, he dare not, he felt her colder than his father, she is shadow of his father , complicated and exhausting, her eyes looked at him as if she is weighing him, measuring him with something or someone huge and unseen and for years to come he had searched for things, for a person, for clues which explain her disappointment but he found none, there was nothing but after years, he found some, it is nothing but few of the letters bundled together like a collective sigh twisted in lungs, the letters dated past years, crumpled and old but they spoke volumes , the words told him of another side of his wife, of love and a man named Ashuthosh.

"Ashuthosh...?" He had wondered, he had said, he had mouthed the name, not even whispering but just with the shape of his lips only to feel a slow rage rising, growing until he was furious, so angry, twisted and senseless, legs staggering and eyes burning. Something exploding: something which does not make any sense, which had make him walk to her, arms flailing and all rage, he had gone to confront her but only to be stopped,

A blast from the past, freezed and rotten, something which might have ended long back, even before he came in her life- he had said that to himself but still He had waited for a minute, possibly an hour with peculiar mix of confusion and with a strange sense of betrayal.

Stalling between his choices, either to go to her or back up; there was a moment of change but sensing she may have still strayed in one of her past relationships, it is something he felt but not sure about?! And how correct it is to go and accuse her based on something which happened in her past, it sounded senseless and meaningless but all the time aware of the intolerable width formed between them, the silence and always lingering irritation and the perpetual distraction even when they are together, they hardly spoke, they hardly stayed together, even if they did, his unspoken questions and her dismay created even more exasperations , with each passing year , with each passing months , a concoction of bitterness collating in the pit , shattering everything , breaking all the charm , rising and rising until it destroyed them ...Slowly, slowly then one day fully!

A dry stick popped under his feet, the sharp edge poking over the side of his shoes, he paused, he waited-he crouched -his spine cracked under the weight of his thoughts and when he looked up at the vast sky

For one second, within one fraction of a second, one fraction of a breath, guilt exploded in his heart rising until that is all is left; his head a mess, images pressed there of all those days and months followed, waking up with countless girls with no name, no shame, no warmth there was none except his own growing darkness, he knew he lost his god somewhere, blinking human eyes in animal face ...he was that, he was a ever growing disappointment even to himself and nothing else, nothing at all, he said it ,he said aloud when he slept and when he woke to harsh light of sunshine , a siren of self loathing , for days to come, for months to follow and when it reached its peak , it stopped , he stopped and looked at her " Niharika" she said her name, a name fleeting in the air, drifting in the breeze , touching his ear again and again until he whispered in his sleep !

When he opened his eyes, her eyes on him, his nostril full of her scent, panting soft and heated breath-he tried to erase her, wipe her from his mind "a fling" he tried to tell himself but could not, she is no different than the rest, he told himself but could not, suddenly he was trapped between her and things that erupted in his heart.

A warmth -A hope -a new happiness!

He was greedy for more; he was on his knees for more, He is not sure what he thought when it happened? He is not sure what he was thinking when he let her happen in his life, a simple wander lust? A yearning to be fulfilled but he knew it was not only that , the hunger was deep rooted, the need was keen edged and when she happened in his life, there was no escape, there was no turning back ...the world he crated with nidhi looked so small, stark, even the thought of it so repulsing, pushing molten waves of guilt into the closed part of his inside yet when Nidhi came to know, irrespective of everything, he was so relieved , he was free, waiting for all to go, the horror, shock and then the silence of shattering world until the truth instilled in her head...the one when he said "lest split up..." The words are so easy but the guilt of it so big...

He squeezed his eyes tight shut, visualizing, picturing, the hurt, the tears, the shouting and those innocent eyes -"Arush" he said, He swallowed, uncertain and remorse flashing behind his closed eyes lids and when he opened his eyes, there was a call, from somewhere outside, world calling for him, pulling him out of his head, his hands trembling and his head bending down "Hello..." He said his voice meek and dull and in the silence when everything was lost and broken and destroyed by him just for his selfish happiness, he heard it, the truth and the reality like answer for all of his sins, the one where his child is in hospital, broken and dying ...

It stung, pricking every sole of existence, his skin searing and everything exploding, he was trembling with the truth and burning in his own guilt, the night was harsh and the sky so dark and unforgiving, he was running by then, breathless with nerves and when he reached, pulling in the drive way, his hands clutching the steering and foot on the brake. He looked out, cold clinged to his skin, darkness pressing against his eyes so heavy that he blinked to clear his vision and when he did, he saw the dull white wall of hospital, the parked ambulance, the firing alarm, the deserted corridors and the countless windows opened up for the engulfing darkness, his breathing was loud in his ears, for a moment, he stood bereft, feeling the blood welling up in his palm unable to fight anymore , he was so tired of fighting , it felt like he'd been fighting for years now, he need to rest , he need everything to rest, he need one last chance to be good and when Finally he pulled himself back up and limped to the corridor, the icy corridor and crack in the wall and over the bench . She sat , head bowed down, shoulder hunched down, tears streaking down her cheeks and her hands holding a finger or a finger holding on to a hand, it looked like they are holding on to each other, -together! his face flickered nothing, Eyes seeing something which his brain is not able to understand and the in the split second, it came to him, all of it, in bits and pieces until he got whole picture when the man came up to him ...the eyes on him, hands extending, glancing up at where he stood, unmoving, unchanging.

" I am Dr Ashuthosh..." he said , he shook his hand , all thoughts already leaving him only the reality sinking in, Past, present and something more, he smelt like those letters, crumpled and old, someone who mattered more to her, not him , never him ! He could not hold any more thoughts; there is nothing to hold on anymore, no anger, nor the sense of betrayal nor his guilt or the shattered world ...gone everything leaving in tiny puff of his exhale but just this truth but this truth " Ashuthosh...?." He said.

His nose, ears burning in the cold but his eyes not leaving her. he crouched , he sat and moving his lips near her ears he asked "Is he the one ...?" not because it mattered anymore but because he wanted to know, he needed his answer even then, even now, starling her at once but when the moment passed, she looked up, she gazed at him , her eyes betrayed something just for a second , so fast that he couldn't tell what it was , in between that and her makeup less face , sad and pain stricken , he felt bad for asking but still may be she understood , may be she never understood or may be just for the sake of answer she said , she replied "yes..."

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Medical word is "Subdural hematoma" it's referring to excessive accumulation of blood outside the brain which can be caused after severe head injury...Ashuthosh read the report and folding it, he placed over the table, just staring at it, his ears still hissing from the truth..."Arush is dying", he said to himself, a truth which he told no-one but somehow feeling she already know it, know the terrible state Arush is in...

He shuddered with the intensity of it, a riot of sensation assaulting him as soon as he got up, the vicious cold stung his eyes and his stomach lurched in fear, for a moment he stood, frozen by the absence of her and the frigid air and the stench of hospital smell and when he came out of it, he looked around, In the half-light that filtered above his head, the dangling of sensation and a fear, raw and thick, crushing him from inside, putting his hands down in his pockets, he looked down at the hallway, somewhere there is a room and a bench and Nidhi sitting along with Rohan ...The thought agitated him but her grief stricken look haunted him, The pale face, rumpled hair, shoulders hunched up in uncertainty- He cant let this happen to Nidhi nor to him...he told himself , he cannot fail her now when she need him the most and when he was lost in his head and in between her thoughts. The door to his cabin opened and two men wearing white jackets came inside, one of them-the young doctor with whom Ashuthosh worked before "sir..." he heard him say, just the words and he felt rawness of his panic rising from the pit of his stomach and something more in his voice when he said " yes..."

"We need to hurry ..." Another doctor said "all other preliminaries examination has been completed and we have moved the patient to OT"

In response he nodded his head not wishing to think anything too hard but still his thoughts coming back to him in fits and starts, the images of Arush, his small body covered in hospital gown, his pale face, closed eyes and shaved head placed over the cold -cold operation table, tears pricked his eyes ...There is no life without him, there will not be any future without him! There will not be anything without Arush...He might not have fathered him but he love this child like his own, he is his and he don't think he can survive if he lose this child now nor his nidhi.

"Oh god ...No"! He said aloud.

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There he was-Arush, on the cold table of operation table, covered in hospital gown with plugs and tubes inserted to his frail body, his shaved head titled to one side until his face is not visible yet from the sharp corner of his eyes, he could see the roundness of his cheeks and flatness of his forehead and somewhere deep down the heart thumped, slowly and steadily

An overwhelming ache in the core of his chest, endless erratic shapes and his scattering thoughts , he smelled death more real than existing hope...for a moment he stood there, frozen by the void it created and the frigid air and stench of blood , an image filled his head , clear and forbidding , Arush lying in OT , flopped over his back and his head exposed , dying while he watched , he felt paralyzed by this thought , it felt razor shape , cutting him through his inside until he crumbled down...

He wanted to stop, he wanted to breathe, he wanted throw up with the image floating in his head yet holding still, struggling to rise above, from the fear and his trembling hands, the voices tore into his, some of his, some unknown but mostly filled with the sound of laughter, the one in the beach, the one when he got him a ice cream, too loud, too many.

He was shaking, shaking by then peeling his skin

"Arush..." he said, like murmuring in his sleep

His bones squeezed, pinched , the walls were close around him and the door somewhere far away and he ached so much struggling to rise over the drowning emptiness and in his desperate depths, he heard the voices, soft yet loud enough to ring in his ear,

"I know you won't let me die..." the words sang and an image loomed inside his head, pressing firmly in his consciousness, those innocent eyes, the affectionate face and the ultimate faith when Arush uttered those words to him. He wanted to remember only that and rest everything to be ignored, And more important than all of those He wanted this minute and he wanted this time not be wasted anymore, the minute when he, Ashuthosh come here under his own power , with his years of knowledge and experience in hands, strong and finally strong ...

Hands reached out , eyes focused and body jerked upwards , steadying himself and there left nothing, nothing much to stop him but only his relentless determination to fix something which is broken , to mend something which has been destroyed...

-To be Continued

She was lying over the floor, pained and destroyed, the sickness inside her was impossible to evade, it tore her open, making her so vulnerable!

"Why this happened what just happened?" she asked herself but to find no answer, restlessly she flipped over her back, closing her eyes but she could not sleep , she could not move , The air around her reeked strongly of night and ugly voices, the words forming, coming out of darkness and linking with memory and in semi darkness of her room, the words running feverishly through her head again and again until that is all she could hear ...!

In these terrifying thoughts, she remembered the moments, alive and when it was not yet destroyed, sitting inside his old car, their hands intertwined and his smile! A sigh formed, twisting her gut, she craved to see him, craved to touch him, craved to hold him until she could smell his soul...but somehow realizing the huge space formed between them-just a moment ago she was bubbling with happiness but now it is gone, he is gone, everything is gone ...her breathing caught just with the memory, the memory of her nana forbidding -coming towards them, all fury and rage, tearing them apart and then a slap-hard and cruel, across his face and the voice "How could you , how dare you"

The voice still screaming inside her and the words never leaving, the redness of his eyes still haunted her making her flip restlessly over the floor.

It felt all wrong!

"And what I should do now?"

There was no one to ask, no one to answer , the pain she was feeling -she admitted is her future if she lose him , the truth scared her making her sit abruptly, pushing her back to the wall, tugging the blankets so they pooled in her lap, she wished , she is still with Ashuthosh , back in soft comfort of his presence and she know if she was there now , he would have wrapped his arms around her and he'd have told her , it would be alright and it would have been all right then but no , nothing is alright and without him nothing could be alright and the more she thought about it , the more she believed and when these thoughts overwhelmed her , She pushed back the blanket and sitting bare until the cold night burned through her , in her head, she imagined herself with him, somewhere far away where no one and nothing could separate them , her heart pounding with just the idea of escaping , eloping...!

She got up abruptly, pulling her backpack and all the while mentally making a list of things she need- a pair of clothes and some books and closed photograph of her parents, there is nothing much she need at the moment, apart from him, Her legs paddling around the room, getting her jeans and shirts and few books , it fit well in her backpack and once it is done , she sat over her bed , stood near the window where she'd seen him for the first time , her heart hammered in her chest and somewhere outside she could hear nana pacing restlessly in his room...

Her body was shuddering and guilt ran through her like a shiver, in her head she imagined her mother, doing the same things what she is doing now, eloping with the man she is in love with-her father ...How long it had been since the wound healed, may be it will never heal that is why her nana could never forgive them and from now on he will not forgive her also...her head already blasting with thoughts, aching with images of her nana coming to get her and her sitting in damp and ugly looking room of her orphanage...

"He saved you from many misfortunes ..." Her inside screamed at her, stopping her, locking her legs from moving out of this house, from doing this dreadful thing to her nana once which her mother did...!

She don't want to do this but she don't know how to live without Ashuthosh, she believed she need him now like she need air to breath, without him she is nothing and how could she explain this to her nana and why don't he understand...the ever growing frustration released her from her dilemma, yet giving a chance to her nana, she stood bereft, hands trembling, giving a chance to her nana from stopping her from what she doing...

But nothing happened

She waited some more

But he did not come and when the waiting become unbearable and too much to hold, she picked up her backup, hanging it over her shoulder ...the weight of her backpack and her own guilt made her slouch a bit.

And in the silence which ensued "I am sorry ..." She said, she waited and then stepped out.

Somewhere outside the night ended and dawn inched forward...!

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It was nearing to dawn when she opened her eyes, she was so tired she couldn't imagine, so hunched down and exhausted, she cannot tell- she thought this night will never end but now sitting over this cold end of the hospital and looked out, there it is ...The slight edge of light and pink of sky, it meant nothing but everything, she felt she was waiting for this dawn from so long, she had waited once , she had been here once, into a cold hopeless night, not so long back when everything just fell apart and she lost Ashuthosh ...

The night-after which a dawn never came, the night which destroyed everything for them yet now as she looked outside, somehow she felt it is not the same, the shiver of hope which erupted just with the touch of light and edge of relief seeping through her, she know its not over-yet she was hopeful, she know nothing could go wrong when Ashuthosh is here...

"I will make it right..." His words sang like lullaby to her, releasing the restless edges of her heart and when she was still lost in her thoughts "Will you be okay, if I go and get tea for myself" a voiced asked, Anjie called, shifting next to her.

She blinked hearing the strangeness of sound in this empty silence, something filled those empty spaces and in response she smiled "I will be okay..."

The abrupt curve of lips and the smile must have taken her offgurad that Anjie stared at her for a longer time then slowly getting up from her seat " I will be back soon ok.." she said.

And as Anjie whirled her way out of the waiting longue, she closed her eyes just for a second and when she opened then back; he was there-Rohan, towering over, hesitating a bit but still rooting in his spot, a long dark shadow lingering in the light " Can I sit here?" he asked

There was something so sympathetic about his voice when he asked this, the frustration and the sadness in lines of his forehead and when he edged 2 inches away and looked back at her, he looked so miserable "yes..." she said, just a word, waiting for him to say more yet his abrupt question and her immediate answer still reeling in her head, she don't know what he meant when he asked "Is he the one?"

She doesn't know what he know about her and Ashuthosh or how does it matter to him now when everything is over between them, she wished she could solve him, she wished she could understand him and his question and in the strangeness of silences "it was not only with Niharika -I started cheating on you even before that" he said, a truth which is unknown to her but currently something which wont matter anymore but still when he said, she waited for him to go on and vomit whatever is making him look so miserable...she never saw him so miserable not even when his parents died, the Rohan she knew is someone who is unable to feel or express such deep emotions and guilt is one thing which she thought never could hold him but when she looked at him in the eye, it was all written on his face , etching deep in his features , it was there all along and she never really noticed it ...

"Rohan...What..Is" She half asked, stumped by this truth and his miserable face twitched under the faint day light "don't stop me ..." he said stressing over the word "Stop", there was edge of desperation in his voice when he said it but he stopped then, hesitating a bit but in the end he looked up, his eyes met her "I knew about you and Ashuthosh..." he said, a truth and sudden exhalation of breath and she felt the sudden crashing of words, there was long pause until she took it in and when she felt she understood his words " how?" she asked "I found some letters...I was looking for it" He said, his features still held a print of guilt but his eyes never leaving her , as if he is trying to read her , read the unspoken words stuck in her head , she tried to think if there was a way to get rid of this talk , to spin the story and go to the end until she know what he is trying to tell her but there was no other way than to face it , no other way than to hear him talk "Looking for it?" she asked when all she wanted to do is get out of this chair.

There was a pause then slight and murmuring silence "I knew, you were not happy with me, I knew there was someone or something in your head, in your heart and I knew I can never take that place..." he said, if he looked guilty and miserable and now it was her turn to feel the same. Even though she don't know the intention of this talk but if it is to make her guilty then she wanted to tell him "Yes Rohan...you succeeded in doing that" and he must have read her expression.

"My intention is not to make you feel guilty" he said quickly, stopping her from continuing with her psycho babbling "then what?" In response, she asked, her voice sounded so hollow-dulling out when she looked up to meet his eyes

"I came here to tell you that I am sorry because whatever it is , I shouldn't have done what I have done to you , Cheating is one thing which cannot be forgiven and I cheated on you day after day , night after night ..."

"And I did the same ..." she wanted to say but could not; it felt like they betrayed each other for so long, creating another world in their head and out of their body, restricting each other to knock on the door, they never once tried to look into another world, a world within themselves which never revealed, which never came into light which made them stay together as strangers and now in this reality when their world is collapsed , losing all its charms, when there is nothing left but only their child who is somewhere far away fighting between life and death , she wondered , what good it will bring with this talk and what it will draw with this talk , now when they already created separate world within themselves , she wished he will let it go now , let the past rest but when she heard him sigh and shudder both at the same time " Rohan what is it?" she asked, she did not mean to sound softer but when she asked this , her voice changed softer and more vulnerable "Don't you see ...It's all me, its all because of me" he said, he half sobbed , his voice screaming with so much loathing "its all because of me but I just wish ...I don't ...I don't want Arush to suffer for my sins ..." He said, spilling the core of this talk.

"He won't ..." She said but he did not believe her instead she saw him inch forward thrusting his face in palm of his hand, for a long moment no one spoke and when the moment ended "I should alone suffer for my sins and no one else..."He said , he closed his eyes, he swallowed hard and when he opened his eyes again and stared at her, the same dead look, his eyes were dull and sad and she reached across, touching his hand, the white knuckle of his hand "I am telling you this so you know what a jerk I had been, what a disappointment I ever had been, to my father and even to you-there was a way to be good -always but I never opted ...never " he said suddenly breaking off, he ducked his head down to his knees, his fingers clenched at the back of his skull and she saw the struggle in his posture and when the moment of truth came , she felt his struggle to say something but could not , she understood , why he is telling what is he telling , it is not to build something which is already broken but to erase something which is killing him, the bitterness and the guilt of being bad , being such disappointment, she can see his struggle to leave the past behind and to move forward, also his inability to release himself yet still to get entangled in his misdeeds, There is no end to this until they let it go, these implied forethoughts, all confessed and all revealed by him yet not by her and as he says if Arush is here because of him, how correct it is blame him alone, she is equally responsible for what happened , The guilt was bigger in her chest just as his , she felt the same weight inside her now and as soon this reality sunk in and she battled to tell him or not tell him but in the end from a quiet deep corner of heart "If you consider all this is because of you , then you are not alone in this..." She said, she stopped, waiting for him to say something, anything more but he sat quietly, giving her all the time to reveal the truth and when she looked up to meet his eyes, his gaze was unwavering "I am equally responsible...and you know that" she said, admitting some of the truth which she accepted but not infront of him, she felt unsteady as him but still when she said it, aloud and with a honesty- it was like , she unfolded some difficult part of their past and found something which allowed him to move ahead, allowed both of them to move forward, she saw it in his posture and the sudden light in his eyes , it came not by her revelation but after revealing himself infront of her and yet being understood by her, it is after expressing himself along with his guilt-totally and completely until there is nothing left to eat him up, he looked lighter and his eyes not sadder anymore yet shadowed implored her to explore something which he never cared to look at and when he did "Arush will live ...believe me" she said , not to confront him but because she believed it now and in the split second between her words and him, Rohan did not looked away but his lips curled up, a small smile playing on his lips and behind them a shadow loomed, the slow shadow, coming into light until he came into picture ...

Still in scrubs and unmasked face and there in his eyes, she saw his smile and relief and the words which she just uttered Rohan and to prove her right Ashuthosh said "Arush will live..."

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Ashuthosh stood near the gate, the trees seemed to swallow the view, the hulking house was nearly invisible except for a handful of lights shining in the windows. He stood there, staring at the darkness, with one hand grabbing his coat and the other hand he let it free, he blinked some more breathing audibly through his mouth and then he got up and walked under the gleaming morning sky, a cold blowing up his hair , a slight brush , rushing thousands of forbidden words, until they are crowded in his head...

The night!

He looked up, he looked sideways and when he stopped, dawn exploded over his head, the pink of sky and the edge of light! But he felt the weight of darkness inside him, moving, crushing carrying the stench of said words...

"Get out..."!

His Baba had said, His baba had screamed, tearing them apart-shattering him again and again, the words ringed, the words smoked, the words burned him inside out...

Now ...When everything moved, everything stopped and the world which he thought was his snatched out of his hand!

A howl, a scream, a cry beginning to form-burning the fossils of his heart...Something is broken and everything destroyed, everything is gone out of his reach until he no longer could hold it right, There are words and there are lines ,cutting the edges of his heart , gurgling down the drain, minutes with hands drowning him in his own cry, shattered pride and broken past , eyes reddened with prickling of his own sobs...

An orphan...!

He said those words, he mouthed them away and when silence pressed onto him, he imagined him...in his head!

In his head, there is his baba and there is she, the girl he loved and the father who betrayed and he is left out on the streets once again...

How can he tell her? How can he explain?...The words, the pain and the sense of abandonment ...

Yet she came...!

In the stillness of pale blue morning "I came for you..." the words reached and she stood, unflinching in the cold and under the pale morning sky

A part of him was glad, a part of him so sad, the desire sparked a thought which sparked a memory of past days, days floating around him and falling around him, days lying still, crumpled on the ground and in the end unfolding a memory of past night.

"It's over ..." he said just whispering through his cold, cold lips, he felt cold, he felt old and when she shrinked with his words he felt so wrong yet he did it, he said it, hurting her, hurting himself, destroying everything with the hurricane of his eyes...For a long moment neither of them spoke, the words hurts and silence killed and when everything got spiraled out "Don't ...you" she sobbed,

He looked away

She cried ...

And he looked ahead...

Hands reached out and tears streaking down her face and in the silence of her whispering sobs "It has to end ..." he said just enough with the strength of his hands...Pushing her away...!

But she shook her head, slowly at first and then vigorously until she-spun, the heat of fire, the smell of end and when she grabbed his arm, he took her in...the scent, the pain and whirlwind of emotions, the face turned to her until she looked into his eyes ...the eyes which smiled before, no longer smiled...

"Remember what you said, you will do anything to make him forgive your father..."

He just said ...

He just asked ...

The words whispered, the words screamed, it reached and throwed -her away

In the end, it boiled down to this...

It came down to his soul and lack-of his will to keep the promise which he did ...!

Yet

He let her go ...

He watched her go ...

He broke her heart and in the end, he broke her whole...!

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There was a night similar to this where everything started and a dawn where everything ended ...!

There was a night where everything shifted towards ending and a dawn where everything begun...!

The memory shifted, it curled in deep recess of his heart, unfolding the final picture of shattered end-he picked the fossils of his heart

Opening his eyes; he closed them once again and when he opened them back, the night turned to day and day turned to brightness, in her half dazed state, she reached, hands touching fingers, finger holding a hand and he took her in...

Warm, soft and half dazed ...Somewhere between sleep and wakefulness, she lurked!

Head tilted to one side, eyes closed to brightness and her face softened, she smelt like his shampoo, she smelt like his shirt and she smelt like him that he pecked on her cheeks...

In the silence of his aching breath, she moved, she shifted, sighing as if to let him know that she is awake "Hey" She murmured reaching up, her fingers brushing over his lips and rested on his shoulder, it was familiar enough gesture that it he turned, pushing himself on his elbow, he moved towards her, hands reaching out, smoothening her hair, holding it in his fist and into her ears "I am sorry..." He whispered, he know what made him say , he know what making him ache so much , it is the memory and her shed tears...

His words and the abrupt sadness, made her stop, turn until she looked at him, into his eyes "for what?" she asked...

"For everything ..." He said, swallowing hard until the lump formed in his throat...

Her expression were doleful-unsure and quizzical; it stayed just for a second and then it shifted-it moved only to fill with something else ...warm and comforting, like she actually understood what he is referring or may be she not at all understood but still reaching across and pecking him on his cheeks "you are forgiven..." She said.

The words were quick and the smile so swift but he remained silent still stalling in his head, gap of moments and loss of something else "you trusted me and what I did ...?!..."

He said, half saying, half stumbling, the words slipping but not wishing to continue with the end but when the unsaid words danced on the tip his tongue "I broke your heart" he said, he finished his words...

In the stench of words and the reality of their past, phone ringed, it was for her, a call from Anjie informing that she is coming to pick her and her words "hospital"- "Rohan" and "Arush" danced around his head like tiny butterflies, bending his head down to reality, locking him in between his past and present and startled he looked up when she touched him on his face-coming back to him, the fingers brushing the side of his ear and then she lied down, next to him, head lying on length of his outstretched arm " you were hurt..." she said

A whisper and her fingers fisting handful of his shirt- the action woke him up, abruptly that he choked "But still" he said, struggling to say something more, words rising from the darkness

And she looked at him for a long time, trying to read him, trying to read in between his words and in the end, repeating her words "it hurt me to see you hurt..."

"But still..." he said, this time little anguished and lot more saddened and when the grief choked him "but still ..." he said, a sob ready to burst out in his throat and when he uttered those words , she saw the glimpse of old Ashuthosh , sad , broken and an Orphan...!

He was shivering in the cold and in his own darkness that she reached across and touched his head, an action to suggest that she is with him "He loved you, till his end ..."

"But still ..." He said, a tear broke out, sliding down his cheek "Why he did that and why I did that?"-

He asked ...

She stumbled, as unsteady as him, lurking in his darkness, finding the answers which haunted him throughout his life "He was angry and he was hurt..." she said, just whispering but in response he sighed

"He did not mean it ...he was sorry for that, till his end, he regretted it" she said a truth which might burn him to hell but still she said, allowing him to know and in the silence of their heart "how do we do it? Being a god and also a demon...giving hope and then snatching it away-same person but 2 different faces" He said.

It was true yet it was sad "We do it sometimes" she just said, with words holding back but still spilling out, words with heat and strangeness of numbing, she turned so that she can see him "Like you did, like nana did ...because you were hurt, he was hurt - because you were angry and he was too and in the end, he pushed you and you pushed him back ...you both pushed each other away and pushed everyone away" she said, still watching from some kind of reaction but there was nothing , he was somewhere else , far away in his head , linking words, picking hands full of memories in his empty hands...

Dirty face, clumsy clothes and eyes-kind and home...holding the little hand, the smell of warm hug- whispering in sleep "Baba"

He stopped then, overwhelmed with grief and turned to her until they are face to face "I wish, I could go back to him..." He said- the heat losing its grip but heart filled with void-void of loss "Sometime, I do wish to go back to him..." he said, his eyes were twisted against the sunlight and his forehead creased, he looked so different yet the same...

"You can go" she said, the words coming out in bust and lights-dulling the glare of heat and when he gazed at her "he waited for you till his end and his home waited for you ...You can always go back to him, you can go back to your home" she said, just saying the words loosened her from inside, a softening and when she smiled at him He smiled back, not letting his eyes wander away from hers ...the words humming, singing and his eyes finding the shadow he thought, he lost for forever...!

He kissed her then ...a small kiss, affectionate, landing sort of on the side of her mouth , tearing them out of sad moments and in the murmuring of their kiss "Ashuthosh, are you going to marry me?" She asked,

He jerked looking over at her, at her still gazing face, her eyes the same -Her question and the spin in the story caught him that he laughed thinking how much he longed for this moment, this minute, this time ...Where she exists, where he exists, liberated from their past, from here only future matters, a promising and bright universe ...

"Should I ask..." He asked, winking his eyes, getting up from the bed ...

"Don't ask ...if you don't want to!" she said, pouting hard just for a second and then smiled, a genuine smile when she read his thoughts ...

half crazed, half dazed and he stared at her one whole moment, trying to absorb her words- the room , the light and the brightness outside -it all changed , everything moved up a notch of happiness and he felt his smile broaden ,felt everything that's good start to happen -huge rolling welts of possibility lighting up all over again-Legs folded, knees bent down and his eyes shining ...The color of rainbow when she smiled "Will you marry me?" he asked Finally...

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING 😃

A BIG HUG 🤗