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Main hoon na..
Nidhi kept pacing up and down the corridor as dr ashutosh entered the icu..shyama aunty stood near her as uncle exclaimed"beta himmat rakh..."nidhi nodded as anji entered and hugged nidhi..tightly ..wordlessly...patting her..nidhi almost worked a smile.."yaad hai last time jub baba ko attack aayaa tha...tu aur rohan humesha rehte the mere paas..."anji wiped her tears as she exclaimed"yaad hai..kaise tu chup chup ke jaati thi dr ashutosh se milne..."n then looking at her parents, anji smiled n said"aap ghar jaaiye..khushi car mei baithi hai..usko le jaaiye..main hoon abhi nidhi ke saath..."nidhi looked at anji...but before she could resist, anji told calmly"nidhi , main tujhe chode ke kahi nahi jaane waali...so just bear with me..."n then looking at her prents she added"khushi ka bag packed hai...kal school drop ker deejiyega..mai ghar aaoongi subah..."!! And as the solankis retreated...knowing fully well that anji d tske care of nidhi...the girls had been together since they were babies...through their milk teeth, schhol, college, love ...children nothing had ever stood between them...n infact the way dr ranganath had always stood for ashutosh nidhi...n how dr ashutosh had loved anji..like a younger sister...or infact a daughter...the relationship had gone from strength to strength...
Suddenly the door opened n dr ashutosh emerged...nidhi ran to him...as the two stood ...and dr ashutosh understood the question in nidhi's eyes..he spoke"he is semi conscious...just wanted to be sure for ...for you...chinta hai tumhari...I told him..you are being ..being brave...buss...now we r waiting for dr bhagat...excuse me nidhi..mujhe arrangements karne hain..its gonna be a long cardiac surgery...do u understand..."?? Before nidhi could ask if she could meet her baba, , dr ashutosh entered the sanctuary of his cabin ...n after a long time the red light signifying DO NOT DISTURB was on...nidhi extended her hand to open the door...but then restrained and just slumped into the chair outside...
Dr ashutosh opened a button of his tees as he too slumped into his chair...his head thrown back ..eyes closed...as he recalled how just a few minutes back...his father in law had looked at him..through the fog of pain and anesthesia...and as he had placed his reassuring hand on his shoulder...colonel verma had just mumbled"dr ashutosh...nidhi aur bua...sambhaliyega aap..."and dr ashutosh had just given a squeeze to his shoulder...reaffirming that all would be well...and then col verma had sighed and said"meri cheque book...nidhi ko pata hai..."and dr ashutosh had just smiled...n said"kuch nahi worry kariye...main hoon na...just rest...theek hai nidhi..bua ko ghar bheja hai..bachchon ke saath hain..."and then as col verma had closed his eyes in fatigue ...ashutosh had looked back from the door ..at the man who was now not only his father in law but also his friend...he gulped hard...and tried words...which were still not his forte ...n said"col verma...just relax...n remember...I am there...for everything...always..."and as a strange relaxation had come on col verma's face, dr ashutosh emerged...
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Suddenly nidhi's distraught eyes flashed in dr ashutosh's mind...n heart...he got up...and switched off the red light...expecting nidhi to rush in..but she didnt...his brow furroewed as he got up and came out ..looking for her...he froze...seeing her all curled up on the chair...her dupatta around her..n feet hanging on the ground..as he kept gazing on her...anji stood up"jeejaji, abhi so gayi hai...she is ...kind of ...very worried...uncle ki wajah se..."dr ashutosh breathed in sharply...as he asked"anji, kuch piya isne...coffee ya chai"?? Anji shook her head...and dr ashutosh signalled "I d take her intothe cabin...tum le aao coffee ..."and as anji left..he lightly touched nidhi's shoulder..n she woke up with a start...her eyes showing that lurking fear...ashutosh patted her ..as she stood up"we are still waiting for dr bhagat...another hour to go...sab ready hain..we are gonna give it our best..our very best..."and as nidhi nodded...looking at the icu...ashutosh understood, he wanted to see her father...he quietly took her as he opened the door and stood in the room leading to the chamber in which col verma lay...under the influence of sedatives...an oxygen mask now covering his face...nidhi touched the glass that separated them...dr chandra who was monitoring the situation looked up...as he saw nidhi standing quietly...her eyes almost full of tears...but dr ashutosh standing behind her like a wall...a firm wall of support...nidhi slowly turned away...n came out ..following her husband into his cabin..
Anji came in with three steaming cups of coffee...as dr ashutosh handed one to nidhi...n one to anji...finally taking one himself...anji tried to comfort nidhi"nidhi..tu pichli baar kaa soch ke zyaada ghabra rahi hai...dont worry..iss baar to jeejaji hain yehi ..tere saath..."!! Nidhi kept quiet..as she sipped...n anji got up.."main zara khushi ka well being check karti hoon...aur armaan ji se guddi nishu kaa bhi..I d just whatsapp"!!
As anji closed the door, dr ashutosh put his head back on the sofa n called nidhi..."come..ek ghanta hai abhi..we need to catch up some sleep..."and nidhi just sat by his side...saying nothing...but as fatigue n sleep took over..she closed her eyes and her head slumped to rest on those strong shoulders...that she had got so used to..
Dr ashutosh could not sleep as easily as nidhi...probably the weight of responsibility, of expectations..kept him awake...he kept his arm around nidhi..nestling her...thanking god that he was there in this hour of crisis...to stand by nidhi...infact the family...now his family...ashutosh seemed a lil surprised at his own reaction to col verma's illness...though he tried hard to remain subjective..somehow he couldnt...the worry ..the anxiety..n the frustration ...was quite intense...offcourse he had experienced it much more devastatingly during baba's illness...but then baba had been his soulmate..his protector father,.his everything...why col verma?? He had known him for barely 8 odd years..and the relationship had started on a very acrimonious note...he had been the biggest stumbling block in the path of ashutosh n nidhi's union...n yet today 8 years ..n many evenings together later...many chess games later...as col verma lay fighting for his life..ashutosh was finding it hard..very hard to contain n control his agony...yess col verma mattered to him...as someone who was nidhi..his nidhi's dad...as someone who had always stood by ashutosh..after the marriage..even during their brief separation..col verma had always convinced nidhi to go back to ashutosh...he had become a friend...a confidant...a constant support to ashutosh...and being just 8 years apart..their interests ..their reactions were often quite similar...today ..that bitter kerala morning when col verma had firmly disallowedashutosh's claim on nidhi..was a fading memory...what stood was the fact that colverma wasnot only nidhi's father...or his kids' s nanaji..but also his friend...his silent support system...
Ashutosh closed his eyes...as he held nidhi...her hair all dishevelled. Till there was a ring...n dr ashutosh n nidhi both hot up...it was dr ranganath...dr bhagat had arrived.dr ashutosh looked at nidhi...as she nodded n left...dr bhagat, a silent firm loiking man entered,..he must have been about 5 years junior to dr ashutosh.dr chandra n dr maheshwari entered too...asdr chandra explained the case..n showed him the previous history too...
Dr bhagat nodded..noting certain points in his I pad, ..n then as the briefing ended, he said"i d have alook at the patient...n then proceed further...n let me tell you sir..."he addressed dr ashutosh"i cannot guarantee success as he has had an earler attack..n above 50 ..myocardiac infractions are very very dangerous...his age group is his biggest stumbling block..."dr ashutosh remained silent...yes he knew above 50...it was always a scare in cardiac issues...but he kept quiet...as the drs walked to the icu.
Ashutosh's fears seemed to be taking a wierd shape...what if colvermacouldnt make it...how would nidhi take it...yes she was a dr..But she was a daughter first...will she understand???
Nidhi entered the cabin...as ashutosh was drawn out of his thoughts by her touch ..."dr bhagat is examining him...he says ..he d try his best...but age ..col verma is in his .."nidhi completed what every dr learnt in cardiology"in his tricky fifties..."ashutosh nodded...as he went out...silently...
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"Dr ashutosh, I d begin the surgery...once the relatives complete the formalities..."dr bhagat drawled in ashutosh's cabin...as dr ranganath produced the papers..."sir..will dr nidhi sign..."?? Ashutosh was going to nod..but then took the papers n signed...himself "no ranganath...nidhi bahut choti hai...I dont want her to do this...I am there...n yes dr bhagat..all your charges..accidental additions will be taken care by me...just go aheadn give it your best shot..."dr bhagat stood up..satisfied...but then enquired"are you..related to the patient...or friends"??? Dr ashutosh got up n said ..firmly"yes ..he is a dear friend...n I have married his daughter...he is also my father in law..."dr bhagat seemed a lil surprised"but he s almost of your age...I mean...his daughter must be..."ashutosh wore his specs n said in icy firmness"dr bhagat...my personal life should not bother you...as a dr..you should give each patient your best...dr chandra n maheshwari r there ..and I am just a callaway..let there be no want in efforts..."dr bhagat nodded as the team proceeded to the OT..n dr ashutosh himself went to monitor col verma's shifting...as the nurse handed him the gold ring of col verma n his watch..n specs...as he was wheeled into the OT.
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dr ashutosh called nidhi into his cabin...it was 6 in the morning..and anji had gone to see khushi , also check on dadi bua nishu n guddi specially.nidhi silently accepted the tea in the cup that nandlal got ...as dr ashutosh sipped his...in complete silence..a silence of anxiety...of fear,..but also of understanding...dr ashutosh asked nidhi..looking scared...though under complete control"darr gayi ho..."?? Nidhi did not reply for a moment...n then spoke...recalling the bleak december night more than 8 yrs ago when col verma had had his first heart attack..."last time...there was a reason...business tension...dr mallika ke bhai ka loan recovery pressure...but this time why..."?? Dr ashutosh closed his eyes for a moment...remembering how he had mistaken ...nidhi's absence that night...n had driven away...leaving her to face all the travails alone...how she must have suffered. ?.how weak,..insecure she must have felt...surrounded by adverse circumstances ..n hounded by mallika n her brother...ashutosh gulped...as nidhi sighed n continued"pichli baar...aapki kumi bahut khali thi...rohan anji ..dadi bua..uncle aunty sab the...lekin phir bhi ..I felt very vulnerable ...iss baar I know...aap hain sab sambhalne ke liye...chahe kuch bhi ho...aap hain...bas yehi kaafi hai..."ashutosh put down his cup n handed over col verma's ring , watch n specs to nidhi,...nidhi touched the specs...n then the watch..."jaante hain..vachpan se yehi watch dekhi maine baba ke haath pe..issi se woh mujhe uthate the school je liye...aur raat ko kehte"nidhi..beta 11 baj gaye ab so jaa"sach dr ashutosh...iss ghadi ke kaanton me mera bachpan naapa hai..aur yeh chashma...bachpan me laga liya karti thi...ek baar toot bhi gaya tha...yeh ring...pata nahi..shaayad maa ne di thi...baba kabhi nikalte nahi the..."somehow nidhi seemed to lose her self control...as she relived her years with her dad...but she absorbed her tears...n went on..."last time..maine aapko bahut miss kiya tha dr ashutosh...mujhe laga tha..ki baba ko agar kuch ho gaya...to main bikul akeli...but ab to...aap..."ashutosh finally got up...wiping nidhis almost dry eyes...wet with invisible tears...as he said"haan..nidhi..main hoon na...I am tryng my best..."nidhi replied"kehne ki zuroorat nahi...jaanti hoon...aap hain to lagta hai zindagi ki naav ka kinaara kabhi door nahi...koi mausam ho...mere sar per aapkaa saaya hai..."nidhi came n rested her tired head on ashutosh's chest...as dr ashutosh suddenly felt...for probably the first time ...how dependent nidhi was on him...how secure ..how protected she felt with him...true he was there eith her today...but what if one day...he was snatched away...ashutosh gulped...as he hugged nidhi tighter...n the words "tricky fifties "reverberated in his mind...yesss he too was turning 50...what if...ashutosh opened his eyes...and some how came face to face with his subconscious fears...what if something happened to him...how would his nidhi survive????
Nidhi held on to him..."sab kuch theek ho jaayega...aap hain...hain naaa"?? N ashutosh whispered back"hmmm...main hoon...hoon na..."??????????????
Suddenly the door opened n dr ashutosh emerged...nidhi ran to him...as the two stood ...and dr ashutosh understood the question in nidhi's eyes..he spoke"he is semi conscious...just wanted to be sure for ...for you...chinta hai tumhari...I told him..you are being ..being brave...buss...now we r waiting for dr bhagat...excuse me nidhi..mujhe arrangements karne hain..its gonna be a long cardiac surgery...do u understand..."?? Before nidhi could ask if she could meet her baba, , dr ashutosh entered the sanctuary of his cabin ...n after a long time the red light signifying DO NOT DISTURB was on...nidhi extended her hand to open the door...but then restrained and just slumped into the chair outside...
Dr ashutosh opened a button of his tees as he too slumped into his chair...his head thrown back ..eyes closed...as he recalled how just a few minutes back...his father in law had looked at him..through the fog of pain and anesthesia...and as he had placed his reassuring hand on his shoulder...colonel verma had just mumbled"dr ashutosh...nidhi aur bua...sambhaliyega aap..."and dr ashutosh had just given a squeeze to his shoulder...reaffirming that all would be well...and then col verma had sighed and said"meri cheque book...nidhi ko pata hai..."and dr ashutosh had just smiled...n said"kuch nahi worry kariye...main hoon na...just rest...theek hai nidhi..bua ko ghar bheja hai..bachchon ke saath hain..."and then as col verma had closed his eyes in fatigue ...ashutosh had looked back from the door ..at the man who was now not only his father in law but also his friend...he gulped hard...and tried words...which were still not his forte ...n said"col verma...just relax...n remember...I am there...for everything...always..."and as a strange relaxation had come on col verma's face, dr ashutosh emerged...
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Suddenly nidhi's distraught eyes flashed in dr ashutosh's mind...n heart...he got up...and switched off the red light...expecting nidhi to rush in..but she didnt...his brow furroewed as he got up and came out ..looking for her...he froze...seeing her all curled up on the chair...her dupatta around her..n feet hanging on the ground..as he kept gazing on her...anji stood up"jeejaji, abhi so gayi hai...she is ...kind of ...very worried...uncle ki wajah se..."dr ashutosh breathed in sharply...as he asked"anji, kuch piya isne...coffee ya chai"?? Anji shook her head...and dr ashutosh signalled "I d take her intothe cabin...tum le aao coffee ..."and as anji left..he lightly touched nidhi's shoulder..n she woke up with a start...her eyes showing that lurking fear...ashutosh patted her ..as she stood up"we are still waiting for dr bhagat...another hour to go...sab ready hain..we are gonna give it our best..our very best..."and as nidhi nodded...looking at the icu...ashutosh understood, he wanted to see her father...he quietly took her as he opened the door and stood in the room leading to the chamber in which col verma lay...under the influence of sedatives...an oxygen mask now covering his face...nidhi touched the glass that separated them...dr chandra who was monitoring the situation looked up...as he saw nidhi standing quietly...her eyes almost full of tears...but dr ashutosh standing behind her like a wall...a firm wall of support...nidhi slowly turned away...n came out ..following her husband into his cabin..
Anji came in with three steaming cups of coffee...as dr ashutosh handed one to nidhi...n one to anji...finally taking one himself...anji tried to comfort nidhi"nidhi..tu pichli baar kaa soch ke zyaada ghabra rahi hai...dont worry..iss baar to jeejaji hain yehi ..tere saath..."!! Nidhi kept quiet..as she sipped...n anji got up.."main zara khushi ka well being check karti hoon...aur armaan ji se guddi nishu kaa bhi..I d just whatsapp"!!
As anji closed the door, dr ashutosh put his head back on the sofa n called nidhi..."come..ek ghanta hai abhi..we need to catch up some sleep..."and nidhi just sat by his side...saying nothing...but as fatigue n sleep took over..she closed her eyes and her head slumped to rest on those strong shoulders...that she had got so used to..
Dr ashutosh could not sleep as easily as nidhi...probably the weight of responsibility, of expectations..kept him awake...he kept his arm around nidhi..nestling her...thanking god that he was there in this hour of crisis...to stand by nidhi...infact the family...now his family...ashutosh seemed a lil surprised at his own reaction to col verma's illness...though he tried hard to remain subjective..somehow he couldnt...the worry ..the anxiety..n the frustration ...was quite intense...offcourse he had experienced it much more devastatingly during baba's illness...but then baba had been his soulmate..his protector father,.his everything...why col verma?? He had known him for barely 8 odd years..and the relationship had started on a very acrimonious note...he had been the biggest stumbling block in the path of ashutosh n nidhi's union...n yet today 8 years ..n many evenings together later...many chess games later...as col verma lay fighting for his life..ashutosh was finding it hard..very hard to contain n control his agony...yess col verma mattered to him...as someone who was nidhi..his nidhi's dad...as someone who had always stood by ashutosh..after the marriage..even during their brief separation..col verma had always convinced nidhi to go back to ashutosh...he had become a friend...a confidant...a constant support to ashutosh...and being just 8 years apart..their interests ..their reactions were often quite similar...today ..that bitter kerala morning when col verma had firmly disallowedashutosh's claim on nidhi..was a fading memory...what stood was the fact that colverma wasnot only nidhi's father...or his kids' s nanaji..but also his friend...his silent support system...
Ashutosh closed his eyes...as he held nidhi...her hair all dishevelled. Till there was a ring...n dr ashutosh n nidhi both hot up...it was dr ranganath...dr bhagat had arrived.dr ashutosh looked at nidhi...as she nodded n left...dr bhagat, a silent firm loiking man entered,..he must have been about 5 years junior to dr ashutosh.dr chandra n dr maheshwari entered too...asdr chandra explained the case..n showed him the previous history too...
Dr bhagat nodded..noting certain points in his I pad, ..n then as the briefing ended, he said"i d have alook at the patient...n then proceed further...n let me tell you sir..."he addressed dr ashutosh"i cannot guarantee success as he has had an earler attack..n above 50 ..myocardiac infractions are very very dangerous...his age group is his biggest stumbling block..."dr ashutosh remained silent...yes he knew above 50...it was always a scare in cardiac issues...but he kept quiet...as the drs walked to the icu.
Ashutosh's fears seemed to be taking a wierd shape...what if colvermacouldnt make it...how would nidhi take it...yes she was a dr..But she was a daughter first...will she understand???
Nidhi entered the cabin...as ashutosh was drawn out of his thoughts by her touch ..."dr bhagat is examining him...he says ..he d try his best...but age ..col verma is in his .."nidhi completed what every dr learnt in cardiology"in his tricky fifties..."ashutosh nodded...as he went out...silently...
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"Dr ashutosh, I d begin the surgery...once the relatives complete the formalities..."dr bhagat drawled in ashutosh's cabin...as dr ranganath produced the papers..."sir..will dr nidhi sign..."?? Ashutosh was going to nod..but then took the papers n signed...himself "no ranganath...nidhi bahut choti hai...I dont want her to do this...I am there...n yes dr bhagat..all your charges..accidental additions will be taken care by me...just go aheadn give it your best shot..."dr bhagat stood up..satisfied...but then enquired"are you..related to the patient...or friends"??? Dr ashutosh got up n said ..firmly"yes ..he is a dear friend...n I have married his daughter...he is also my father in law..."dr bhagat seemed a lil surprised"but he s almost of your age...I mean...his daughter must be..."ashutosh wore his specs n said in icy firmness"dr bhagat...my personal life should not bother you...as a dr..you should give each patient your best...dr chandra n maheshwari r there ..and I am just a callaway..let there be no want in efforts..."dr bhagat nodded as the team proceeded to the OT..n dr ashutosh himself went to monitor col verma's shifting...as the nurse handed him the gold ring of col verma n his watch..n specs...as he was wheeled into the OT.
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dr ashutosh called nidhi into his cabin...it was 6 in the morning..and anji had gone to see khushi , also check on dadi bua nishu n guddi specially.nidhi silently accepted the tea in the cup that nandlal got ...as dr ashutosh sipped his...in complete silence..a silence of anxiety...of fear,..but also of understanding...dr ashutosh asked nidhi..looking scared...though under complete control"darr gayi ho..."?? Nidhi did not reply for a moment...n then spoke...recalling the bleak december night more than 8 yrs ago when col verma had had his first heart attack..."last time...there was a reason...business tension...dr mallika ke bhai ka loan recovery pressure...but this time why..."?? Dr ashutosh closed his eyes for a moment...remembering how he had mistaken ...nidhi's absence that night...n had driven away...leaving her to face all the travails alone...how she must have suffered. ?.how weak,..insecure she must have felt...surrounded by adverse circumstances ..n hounded by mallika n her brother...ashutosh gulped...as nidhi sighed n continued"pichli baar...aapki kumi bahut khali thi...rohan anji ..dadi bua..uncle aunty sab the...lekin phir bhi ..I felt very vulnerable ...iss baar I know...aap hain sab sambhalne ke liye...chahe kuch bhi ho...aap hain...bas yehi kaafi hai..."ashutosh put down his cup n handed over col verma's ring , watch n specs to nidhi,...nidhi touched the specs...n then the watch..."jaante hain..vachpan se yehi watch dekhi maine baba ke haath pe..issi se woh mujhe uthate the school je liye...aur raat ko kehte"nidhi..beta 11 baj gaye ab so jaa"sach dr ashutosh...iss ghadi ke kaanton me mera bachpan naapa hai..aur yeh chashma...bachpan me laga liya karti thi...ek baar toot bhi gaya tha...yeh ring...pata nahi..shaayad maa ne di thi...baba kabhi nikalte nahi the..."somehow nidhi seemed to lose her self control...as she relived her years with her dad...but she absorbed her tears...n went on..."last time..maine aapko bahut miss kiya tha dr ashutosh...mujhe laga tha..ki baba ko agar kuch ho gaya...to main bikul akeli...but ab to...aap..."ashutosh finally got up...wiping nidhis almost dry eyes...wet with invisible tears...as he said"haan..nidhi..main hoon na...I am tryng my best..."nidhi replied"kehne ki zuroorat nahi...jaanti hoon...aap hain to lagta hai zindagi ki naav ka kinaara kabhi door nahi...koi mausam ho...mere sar per aapkaa saaya hai..."nidhi came n rested her tired head on ashutosh's chest...as dr ashutosh suddenly felt...for probably the first time ...how dependent nidhi was on him...how secure ..how protected she felt with him...true he was there eith her today...but what if one day...he was snatched away...ashutosh gulped...as he hugged nidhi tighter...n the words "tricky fifties "reverberated in his mind...yesss he too was turning 50...what if...ashutosh opened his eyes...and some how came face to face with his subconscious fears...what if something happened to him...how would his nidhi survive????
Nidhi held on to him..."sab kuch theek ho jaayega...aap hain...hain naaa"?? N ashutosh whispered back"hmmm...main hoon...hoon na..."??????????????
