They came out of a live music concert that day, when Ashutosh surprised her by offering to cook dinner.
"Cook dinner? You know how to?"
"I may not be a great cook, but I think I can arrange a decent dinner."
"Okay. But this is a gesture I cannot return. I can't cook. Baking cookies was a one-time thing."
"Don't bother about that. But I'm surprised. Didn't you cook in the US?"
"Yeah. I can put some masalas with rice in a pressure cooker I carried from here and boil it."
They both laughed at that and he drove towards his home.
The evening had been pleasant, but at the dinner table Ashutosh noticed a change in Nidhi. She was fidgeting and looked disturbed.
"What happened, Nidhi?"
"Nothing. What would happen?"
He did not push her further during the dinner. But he brought it up again after they were done, because despite trying hard, she was unsuccessful in hiding her discomfort.
"Something is wrong Nidhi. And I expect you to trust me with your problems. Tell me now, please."
"Drop me home. I feel like seeing Mom. I am worried about her."
"She would be asleep by now."
"Still... I want to see her. Or I will take a taxi."
"Don't be stupid. I, of course, am going to drop you home. Come with me. But is that it?"
"Yes," the definiteness in her answer left no scope for further conversation and Ashutosh had to give in even though he was not convinced.
As soon as they pulled up in front of her home, she got out of the car, did not even thank him or invite him inside. Ashutosh was puzzled and a little hurt. But he could not think of anything to do just then. She might just be telling the truth, he tried to convince himself and decided to find out in the morning.
In the morning, despite ringing her up at least four times in an hour, Nidhi did not pick up her phone. Unsure about whether confronting her would be of any help, he called Nandini.
"Mrs. Verma. Is Nidhi fine?"
"Why? What happened to her? I have woken up just a while back and have not checked on her."
"I'm not sure, but she suddenly started behaving strangely yesterday and would not say anything how much ever I ask. Now, she isn't picking up the phone. "
"I will go to her room. But has something happened?"
"No. Nothing at all. Everything was normal. Please do it fast..."
"Calm down," Nandini had reached Nidhi's room by then. Her door was open. She peeped in and saw Nidhi lying on the bed. She couldn't ascertain whether she was asleep. She quickly informed Ashutosh before entering the room, "She is here. I will call you later."
She went inside and saw that Nidhi was awake and crying silently.
"Nidhi. What happened, dear?"
"Mom?" she was surprised and sat up wiping her tears.
"Why are you upset?"
"No Mom. I am fine. Why would I be upset?"
"Let's cut this short Nidhi. I am not that weak already that you can't tell me about your problems. What has happened?"
"I made a mistake again Mom."
"What mistake?"
"Dr. Mathur..."
"What about him?"
"He is married and is now divorcing his wife. Must be because of me. This is horrible Mom. I don't want to be the other woman, the home-breaker."
"How did you find out?" Nandini asked calmly.
"I was at him home yesterday. For dinner. And I found the divorce papers lying on his table."
"Did you talk to him?"
Nidhi nodded in negative.
"You should."
"Mom. All this is so wrong. I don't know what to do, what to say."
"Nidhi. I can intervene, but this really isn't for me to do. This is something you must do yourself. You cannot run away from things. You must sit down like adults and talk it out. Do you understand me?"
Nidhi suddenly felt very irritated, "Yeah. I understand you. You are trying to make sure that I can mend by heart-breaks on my own after you, right?"
"Don't talk like that Nidhi," Nandini got tears in her eyes, although she tried to control them.
"Oh God! I am sorry Mom. I'm so sorry. I will go and talk to him right away. Please don't cry. Please..."
"I'm fine. Have your breakfast and then go."
"No Mom. I have to finish this first."
--
"Why weren't you picking up my calls?" Ashutosh almost shouted at her when she reached his home, "Do you know how worried I was?"
"I am not the one you should be worried about," Nidhi replied curtly.
"What do you mean?"
"Sir. I'm sorry that I told you about my feelings without knowing anything about you. Had I known... Anyway. Don't divorce your wife because of me. I won't be able to live with the guilt of having destroyed someone's home. I am not that selfish. And nor do I want you to be so."
"You didn't know?"
"Of course not! How would I know? You should have told me right away. Instead of making all kinds of excuses about it, you should have come clean. That's what I would have expected from you. I'm so disappointed. In fact, I am disgusted. At myself and at you."
"Wait Nidhi. Don't jump to conclusions so fast. We need to talk, but let's go to your home."
"Why?"
"Your mother needs to be there."
"What has Mom got to do with any of this? I really don't want to involve her further in this mess."
"Let's go. Are you driving?"
Nidhi sighed, "All right."
--
"I don't understand you Mrs. Verma. You hadn't told her anything. And you encouraged me to... Why would you do that?"
"Ashutosh. You didn't want your colleagues to know. And I was just being discreet as you had asked me to. That's why I did not tell her."
"But afterwards? When you knew about..."
"In a relationship there is no place for a third person Ashutosh. I'm sorry that that there has been a misunderstanding. But I think it is better that you two learn to deal with these misunderstanding and learn to communicate on your own. It's better to know how to sort out such issues right now, rather than later in your relationship."
"Is someone going to tell me what the matter is?" The situation and conversation was getting on Nidhi's nerves now.
"Tell her Ashutosh," Nandini said and left them alone.
Ashutosh sighed and said, "Sit down Nidhi. Please."
She obliged.
"Nidhi. This will change things for you. Your feelings and your decision about me may change. And I will respect that. But trust me; I had no intention of keeping you in dark. I just thought you knew."
"What is it?" Nidhi wanted to appear strong and hence said sharply.
"I'm indeed married. And my wife is in a mental health facility for more than eight years now."
"Eight years?"
"Yes. And I have tried my best to be good to her. To take care of her. I intend to do so in future too... I had accepted my fate. I did not hope, did not wish for any happiness in my life. Except whenever you came in my life."
"Whenever?"
"Yes. Whenever. Nine years back as a student and then again - six months back as a colleague."
"Nine years back you..."
"Yes. I know it sounds so... inappropriate. And..."
"You disliked me so much back then. You almost hated me."
"Of course not, Nidhi. What are you talking about? I had to work hard to pretend to ignore you. And... But anyway. You know my situation now. Sarika, my wife, has no hope of recovering ever. She is getting worse day by day. In fact, it was when her condition got impossible for me to manage that I had to admit her to the mental health facility. I don't have the heart to tell you all the details now. You can read your mother's case study. But all said and done Nidhi, this is my life. It is not clean, not pleasant. And you don't have to accept it. It is up to you now."
"Mom knows everything?"
"Yes."
"And why is it that both of you know everything and I have to discover it on my own - much later. I hate you!" Nidhi said and stormed off.
Ashutosh looked after her with sadness and disappointment. He realized that in a very twisted way, this news had brought back the pain that she had felt when she got to know about her mother's illness.
Nandini came in soon after Nidhi left, "What happened, Ashutosh?"
"She is angry that I did not tell her. And justly so. I think I will leave," he got up to leave.
"Wait! Don't go anywhere. I will be back in a bit."
"Mrs. Verma..."
"Don't go Ashutosh," Nandini said and turned to look for Nidhi, but Nidhi walked back in right then.
"Mom? What's going on?"
"Nidhi. I can explain to you what had happened and why you didn't know about all of this earlier. But there is an alternative. And the alternative is that you let Ashutosh explain the same thing and put your trust in him. If today, I need to step in to build that trust, this man standing here may never ever feel confident of your trust in him. So, you have to choose now. Do you want to listen to him and trust him? Or would you have me explain and lose that chance of building the trust forever?"
"Mrs. Verma. Please don't put her on the spot like this," Ashutosh intervened, when he saw Nidhi looking stunned and scared at her mother's reaction.
"No Ashutosh. She has to be put on the spot. This is one moment where she has to take the responsibility. If she chooses right, I think you can take her responsibility for the rest of her life. But this moment in hers. I know I have messed up. But not to that extent that she has to spoil her life. Tell me Nidhi."
"Mom please!" Nidhi was worried for her mother as she was getting all worked up.
Ashutosh intervened again against his wish, "She will talk to me. Won't you Nidhi? Please." His eyes pleaded with him to say 'yes'.
"Yes. Yes Mom. I will talk to him. Please calm down."
"Nidhi, take her back to her room. She needs rest," Ashutosh said.
"No. Both of you stay here. I can manage," Nandini said and left then alone once again.
Nidhi and Ashutosh waited until she had left. Then they looked at each other.
"Nidhi. I'm sorry. She was getting worked up. So, I had to make you say 'yes'. You are not bound by it."
"Please don't say that. I behaved irrationally earlier. I had, in fact, come back to apologize for that. And to talk to you. But seeing Mom like that had me terrified."
"Sit down Nidhi," Ashutosh said and then explained the source of misunderstanding. He told her about him meeting Nandini for her research. How he assumed that she would have told Nidhi. But she, on her part, exercised discretion and decided not to tell Nidhi anything because he wanted to keep the matter away from his colleagues.
"I'm sorry. I should have talked to you," Nidhi said finally.
"Don't blame yourself. It was a big misunderstanding. I should not have assumed things. Now can we both forget about it and forgive each other?"
Nidhi nodded and smiled, "But tell me honestly. You had lied about... about liking me even earlier. I mean nine years ago? You really hated me then."
Nidhi was surprised to observe his genuineness as he replied, "I don't understand this Nidhi. Yes - I tried hard to hide my real feelings. So, if you did not come to know about them, I would think I was successful there. But hate you? Impossible! Why me, who can ever hate you?"
"You have forgotten all about it then."
"I haven't forgotten a single thing about you."
"Anyway. Let's go and see Mom. She was so worked up. She needs to be calmed down."
"Yes. Okay."
--
Udne Ki Aasha
