Nidhi had thrown herself into her work and her studies. To an extent that Baba and Anji started worrying for her.
"Nidhi. Ye kaisi padhai ho rahi hai teri? Apni halat to dekh. Na kuchh bolti hai, na kahin bahar jaati hai. Aise to pagal ho jayegi tu Nidhi."
"Tu exaggerate kar rahi hai Anji. Ab abhi to samay hi aisa hai. Padhai to karni hi padegi na. PG entrance MBBS entrance se bahut zyada tough hota hai. Pata hai kitni kam seats hain. Bas kuchh mahinon ki baat hai. Ek baar exam ho jaye to..."
"Padhai aur kaam - dono hi tu kai mahinon se kar rahi hai Nidhi. Aisi halat to kabhi nahin hui?"
"Ab exams nazdeek aa rahe hain na Anji. Chal chhod, jaldi se dinner karte hain. Mujhe aaj ye poora chapter khatam karna hai."
"Nidhi. Itni der se padhai kar rahi hai beta. Abhi kha kar so ja. Aaj kal to tu bilkul bhi aaraam nahin karti," Baba also could not hide his worry at the dinner.
"Baba. Main theek hoon."
"Baba. Bilkul sahi kaha aapne," Anji chipped in, "Meri baat to ye maanti hi nahin hai. Aap hi samjhaiye."
"Aap log please mujhe mere faisle lene dein," Nidhi replied curtly. Baba, Anji and Dadi Bua exchanged glances, but didn't know what had come over Nidhi and what to do about it.
--
Ashutosh entered the common room during night duty and saw that Nidhi had fallen asleep in a chair with a book in her lap. He smiled as he saw that her mouth was slightly open. He had seen her sleep like that before. But when he noticed her face, he was shocked at the contrast it presented from the last time. She had been very tired that day too. But her face had glown and her cheeks had a healthy pink color on them. Today it looked like he was looking at a different person. She looked undeniably sick, her cheeks were hollow, dark circles around her eyes were unmistakable and her lips were dry with broken skin suggesting lack of nutrition. Ashutosh stood rooted to his place for a few moments as he stared at the pitiable sight Nidhi made.
"Nidhi," he called her name softly. She woke up immediately and was flustered.
"Yes Sir... Sorry Sir... Meri aankh lag gayi thi..."
"See me in my office," Ashutosh said and walked back to his office.
Nidhi looked on, feeling strange. It had been so long since he had said that to her. Her visits to his office had been strictly for work for so long. Even if he had to say anything to her, he didn't call her in his office these days. What did he want to talk about? She sent up a silent prayer that something hadn't gone wrong.
--
Nidhi knocked at his door and waited for him to respond. Ashutosh felt a pain in his heart. Why was she waiting for his permission?
"Come in," he had to say finally.
"Sir. Aapne mujhe bulaya?" Ashutosh noticed that she was trying hard to control the quiver in her voice.
"Yes. Aapki tabiyat theek nahin lag rahi hai."
"Nahin. Main theek hoon," she replied by habit as she had done in last few days with anyone who tried to talk about her health.
"Aap hospital mein khade ho kar ek doctor se apni health ke bare mein jhooth to nahin bol sakti."
"Doctors to badnaam hote hi hain aaj-kal, bekaar ki beemariyam point out karne liye taki woh paise bana sakein," Nidhi said and even laughed slightly. Where did she get her humour back from? She had surprised herself. Was it because he was there? And after so long they were talking, not like the boss and the intern, but like two people who cared for each other.
And the thought brought tears to her eyes. She felt her will-power give way. She could not control herself and started sobbing.
"Nidhi," Ashutosh was worried, but not surprised. Her condition had already told him that something was bothering her. He let go of his forced sense of proprietary and rushed towards her. He held her by her arms and practically pleaded, "Kya baat hai jo tumhein is tarah khaye ja rahi hai Nidhi? Aisa lagta hai tumhein dekh kar ki barson se beemaar ho. Batao mujhe please. Main tumhein aise nahin dekh sakta."
Nidhi shook her head in denial and said while she continued crying, "Aapke jaanne layak kuchh nahin hai Dr. Ashutosh. Kissi ke janne layak kuchh nahin hai. Pata nahin main kab kuchh impossible sapne dekhne lagi. Aur kab unse itna affect hone lagi. Unse mujhe khud bahar nikalna hoga."
Nidhi shivered as she felt Ashutosh cupping her face gently and wiping her tears with his thumb, "Nahin. Ye akelepan ki baatein tumhare munh se achchhi nahin lagti Nidhi. Tumhare itne dost hain, itni pyaari family hai, sab tumse itna pyaar karte hain. Aur tum hamesha logon ki madad karne ke liye taiyaar rahti ho. Main nahin maanta ki tumhari kissi problem mein tumhein madad nahin milegi. Tumne kissi se baat ki hai? Madad lene ki koshish ki hai?"
"Maine kaha na. Meri madad koi nahin kar sakta," her tears were in control now.
"Main bhi nahin?"
"Nahin. Aap to bilkul bhi nahin. Meri problem solvable nahin hai Dr. Ashutosh. Aap khud ko pareshaan mat kijiye."
She stepped back and he had to leave her reluctantly.
"Kuchh dinon ki chhutti le lo Nidhi. Thod aaaraam kar lo. Dhang se khao-piyo."
Nidhi nodded in refusal, "Khali baith kar mere liye kuchh achchha nahin hone waala hai. Kaam karti hoon to koi pareshaani nahin hoti hai."
Ashutosh was shocked at her words. Had she become like him? Taking refuge in work? Avoiding people? Nurturing her pain? That too alone?
How had it come to this? This girl had an uncomplicated, simple life. She had a loving family and supporting friends. She had the charm and freshness that could lighten up even his dark life. What complication crept into her life to have made her so gloomy and lifeless. Unless it was him?
Had he made a mistake by not talking to her? He had to ask now and he did that point blank, "Nidhi. Kya tumhari pareshaani main hoon?"
She was caught unguarded. She hadn't expected this. She looked at him with a start. It took her few moments to collect her thoughts, "Pareshaani aap nahin hain. Pareshaani main hoon. Lekin aap please aur kuchh mat poochhiye. Main aur sab kuchh bardasht kar sakti hoon. Lekin ye nahin ki meri wajah se aapko koi pareshaani ho. Ya kissi bhi wajah se aap mujhse nafrat karein."
"Tumse nafrat? Main? Nidhi tum mujhe thoda bhi samajhti ho ya nahin?" he sounded irritated. He went forward and held her again, "Bas. Ab bahut tedhi-medhi baatein ho gayin. Aur bahut pareshaan rah li tum. Batao mujhe kya baat hai? Aur main bina jaane tumhein yahan se jaane nahin doonga. Batao mujhe."
Nidhi nodded in negative.
"Nidhi," Ashutosh persuaded, "Tum mere reaction se kyon dar rahi ho? Main... main tumhari baaton ka bura nahin maan sakta. Tumse nafrat... I don't think I need to explain that it is impossible. Aur... chalo theek hai. Agar maan bhi lete hain ki mujhe bura lag jayega. To kya hoga? Itna to bharosa mujh par kar sakti ho tum ki tumhari professional life par isse koi asar nahin padega. Ab to tumhari internship bhi khatam hone waali hai. Phir tumhein kya problem ho sakti hai mujhse? Batao Nidhi? Mere liye ye janna bahut zaroori hai ki kya baat tumhein khaye ja rahi hai? Aur... Kaise tumhari khushiyan wapas aa sakti hain? Main kya karoon Nidhi? Batao mujhe."
Nidhi suddenly felt very weak. She leaned on him. Though what she said didn't match her action, "Let me go. Mujhe jaane dijiye Dr. Ashutosh." Her voice trailed away and the next moment Ashutsoh realized that she had fainted.
For the time first time in so many years of his career, Ashutosh felt a chill run down his spine at a medical situation. Then he had to consciously remind himself that it was probably just weakness and fatigue; nothing more serious. He made her sit on the chair and called for help to take her into a room where she could be given glucose.
--
Ashutosh was by her bedside the entire night. He held her wrist to take her pulse. Satisfied with the improvement, he made to pull his hands away, but was stopped by her hands clutching his. He looked at her face. She had still not woken up.
"I am sorry. I can't live without you," she murmured in her sleep. Ashutosh' eyes showed the guilt and pain he felt. So, that's what it was. He had tried to do it gently, but his pushing her away from himself had been too hard on her. So hard that...
She opened her eyes and looked confused for a moment. Then she seemed to recall what had happened. She realized that she was clutching his hands and left it immediately.
"Are you okay?" Ashutosh asked gently.
"Ji," her voice was weak, "I'm sorry."
"Sorry?" Ashutosh smiled, but sadly, "Kis liye? Kin kin cheezon ke liye khud ko blame kar rahi ho Nidhi? Kin kin baaton ke liye khud ko guilty maan kar sazaa de rahi ho."
"Meri kuchh samajh mein nahin aa raha hai."
Ashutosh looked at her sick face. She was still unwell. It wouldn't do to have an intense conversation just then.
"Tumhein fresh ho kar, kuchh khane ki aur dawaiyan lene ki zaroorat hai. Main nurse ko bhejta hoon. She will help you. I will be back later."
"Nidhi. Tumhare Baba aa rahe hain hospital. Tumhein ghar le kar jayenge. Kam se kam ek hafte tumhein ghar par aaraam karna hai," Ashutosh told her when he came back.
"Main ek hafte ghar par nahin baith sakti. Mujhe yahan aana hai."
"Kyon?"
Nidhi stayed quiet.
"Main kuchh poochh raha hoon tumse," Ashutosh tried to sound stern.
"Bas aise hi."
"Agar tum mujhe sach bataogi to shayad main tumhein aane doonga. Warna koi chance nahin hai..."
"Aap kyon kar rahe hain aisa?" Nidhi suddenly burst out, "Maine to aapke liye koi pareshaani nahin khadi ki hai. Meri wajah se koi aapko kuchh kah to nahin raha hai. Koi badnaami to nahin ho rahi hai aapki? Phir? Main bas thoda samay hi to yahan bitaana chahti hoon na? Jo do mahine yahan bache hain mere thodee der aapko door se dekhna chahti hoon. Kya ismein bhi logon ko koi problem hai?"
"Logon ko koi problem kyon hogi Nidhi?"
"To aapko kya problem hai?"
"Mujhe problem ye hai ki..." Ashutosh stopped as if reconsidering if he should speak it out. Then he did, "Mujhe problem ye hai Nidhi ki main bhi yahi chahta hoon. Balki isse bahut zyada chahta hoon. Kya tumhein ye baat kabhi samajh mein nahin aayi? Lekin ye sahi nahin hai."
His declaration calmed Nidhi down. "I know," she responded, "I know ki ye sahi nahin hai. Isse aapke oopar ungliyan uthengi. Isliye to..."
"Mere oopar ungliyan uthengi?" Ashutosh was surprised, "Mere oopar kaun ungliyan uthayega Nidhi? Mere aage peechhe kaun hai jiski main parwaah karoon. Baat who nahin hai Nidhi."
"Phir?" Nidhi was also surprised.
"Pagal ladki. Tum mere baare mein soch rahi ho. Apne baare mein nahin sochti?"
"Ji?"
"Nidhi. Jo tum chahti ho, aur... jo main bhi chahta hoon, uski impossibility ka ehsaas nahin hua kabhi tumhein?"
"Kaisi impossibility. Jab aapko koi problem nahin hai, mujhe koi problem nahin hai aur hum dono ek doosre se pyaar karte hain to kissi aur ko kya problem ho sakti hai?"
How easily and simply she managed to talk about love. Ashutosh was surprised as well as enamoured, but the expression of fondness on his face changed as he looked at the room door. Nidhi's father was standing there, looking shocked and hurt. Ashutosh closed his eyes and cursed himself silently for being so careless.
Nidhi also saw him and was flustered. Though she did not see the storm coming that Ashutosh did.
"Dr. Ashutosh," Baba addresed him directly, "Mujhe lagta tha ki aap ek mature aur achchhe insaan hain. Nidhi ne zindagi nahin dekhi hai. Apna bhala bura nahin samajhti hai. Aur maine expect kiya tha ki aap use sahi se guide kar sakte hain. Lekin I am disappointed."
"Baba!" Nidhi was scandalized, "Aap aise kyon bol rahe hain. Dr. Ashutosh ne kya kiya?"
"Sahi kaha tumne Nidhi. Unhone kuchh nahin kiya. Kiya to maine hai. Apni beti par bharosa kiya. Use itni aazaadi di. Ye soch kar ki who uska misuse nahin karegi. Galti maine ki Nidhi."
Nidhi was confounded and didn't know what to say. She hadn't expected this reaction from Baba. She looked from Ashutosh to Baba.
"Baba," Ashutosh said calmly, "I am sorry. Aapne sahi kaha. Aisa kuchh na ho, iska dhyaan rakhna meri zimmedaari thi. Aur ho sake to mera yakeen kijiye, aisa kuchh bhi nahin hua hai jiske liye aapko pareshaan hone ki zaroorat ho. Nidhi aisa kuchh nahin karegi jismein aapki sahmati na ho. Aur agar woh karna bhi chahe to main use karne nahin doonga. Abhi uski tabiyat kharaab hai. Use aaraam ki zaroorat hai. Aap please use ghar le jaiye. Ye mera waada hai aapse ki Nidhi ke saath kuchh galat nahin hoga. Aapko Nidhi se gussa hone ki koi zaroorat nahin hai."
Baba nodded, though he still looked unhappy. Nidhi looked at Ashutosh with longing and tears in her eyes. Ashutosh blinked and nodded silently pleading with her to not hurt herself.
--
"Baba. Mujhe to lagta tha ki aap Dr. Ashutosh ko pasand karte hain."
"Haan. Pasand karta hoon. Lekin tumhare jeevan-saathi banne ke liye woh 10-15 saal pahle paida ho gaye the Nidhi."
"Kya bas yahi aapki problem hai Baba?"
"Dekho Nidhi. Problem meri nahin hai. Problem tumhari hai," Baba was now explaining patiently, "Tum dono ki umra mein itna farq hai ki ye almost ek generation ka farq hai. Main samajh sakta hoon ki tum Dr. Ashutosh ko idolize karne lagi ho. Aisa hota hai aur ismein kuchh bura nahin hai. Lekin jeevan-saathi chunna alag baat hoti hai. Jab idolization khatam ho jayega to compatibility ke sawaal saamne aayenge. Aur ye zindagi bhar ka faisla hota hai. Koi ek do din ke adjustment ki baat nahin hai..."
"Lekin Baba..."
"Nidhi. Is baare mein bahas karna bekaar hai. Mujhe nahin lagta ki Dr. Ashutosh ko chunna sahi faisla hai tumhare liye. Main iske liye kabhi raazi nahin hounga. Agar tum ye faisla logi to tumhein mere khilaaf ja kar hi lena padega."
"Baba. Main unse pyaar karti hoon..."
"Aur mujhe is baat se kabhi koi problem nahin hogi ki tum apna jeevan-saathi khud chuno. Lekin main jaante boojhte tumhein ek disasterous faisla nahin lene de sakta."
Baba's countenance told Nidhi that arguing any further was useless. At least right then.
--
"Kya main aapse mil sakti hoon?" Nidhi called Ashutosh up.
"Of course. Ismein poochhne ka kya hai Nidhi. Jaldi se theek ho kar hospital wapas aa jao..."
"Nahin. Mujhe abhi milna hai."
"Main bhi milna chahta hoon Nidhi, lekin Baba ko kya bologi? Phone par baat kar sakte hain na..."
"Mere ghar ke paas ek park hai. Main aaj shaam 5 baje wahan evening walk ke liye aaungi. Aapko hospital se jaldi nikalna padega..."
"Theek hai. Main aa jaunga," Ashutosh himself was dying to meet her. Maintaining a facade of calmness to keep her out of trouble had not been easy. So, he jumped at the opportunity when Nidhi offered a solution. Even though his uptight morales adviced against any kind of deception to Baba.
--
"Hi," Ashutosh greeted her with a smile and sat down beside her on a bench.
"Aap Baba ka reaction anticipate kar rahe the, aisa laga mujhe. To kya aap bhi unki baat se agree karte hai."
"Kissi ko samajhna usse agree karna to nahin hota Nidhi? Main to tumhein pareshaan karne waale Mallika ke actions bhi anticipate kar leta hoon ab."
Nidhi smiled slightly at that. Then returned to her question, "Agar aisa nahin hai to phir aap itne dinon se kyon mujhe..."
"...khud se door kiye hue tha?"
Nidhi nodded.
"Nidhi. Kya tum kabhi apne Baba ke khilaaf ja kar khush rah paogi? Apne parivaar se door jaana manzoor hoga tumhein?"
She nodded in negative. Tears filled her eyes as she knew Ashutosh was going to spell out the unsolvable problem.
"To Maine tumhein sahi hi samjha tha Nidhi. Jis dorahe par tum aaj khadi ho, main tumhein wahan nahin laana chahta tha."
"Lekin main aapke bina bhi nahin rah sakti," she whined like a child. She seemed to be hoping for a miracle.
"Bilkul rah sakti ho. Aur rahogi," Ashutosh said. But his voice quivered.
Nidhi nodded in denial like a stubborn child.
"Nidhi please," Ashutosh pleaded, "Tumhein kya lagta hai ye sab kahna ya karna mere liye aasaan hai. Jab se mujhe ye ahsaas hua hai ki mujhe tumhein khud se door karna hai, tab se main ek ek pal mein jaane kitni mautein mara hoon. Nidhi. Tumhari zindagi mein to Baba hain, tumhari family hai, dost hain. Mere paas? Mere paas tumhare alaawa koi nahin hai. To batao main kya karoon? Kya apni zindagi ka khalipan bharne ke liye tumse ye kahoon ki tum apne Baba ko chhod kar mere paas aa jao? Apni khushiyon ke liye tumhari khushiyon ka gala ghot doon? Tumhare Baba ko til-til marne ke liye chhod doon? Aur maan lo ki main ye sab kar bhi loon, to kya uske baad main khud khush rah paunga? Help me Nidhi. Don't make it so difficult for me. Please help me."
Nidhi was staring at him by the time he finished. His vulnerability brought out the mature woman in her.
"I am sorry. Aap please aise pareshaan mat hoiye. Main bachchon ki tarah zidd kar rahi thi."
"Nidhi. Mahine bhar ki baat hai. Phir hamare raaste alag hone hi hain. Kya tum mujhse ek waada karogi?"
"Aap Jo kahenge main karoongi."
Both of them were dying a thousand deaths. And yet were trying to talk like their live was not going to be turned upside down after this.
"To Nidhi mujhse waada karo ki sabse pahle to tum apna khayaal rakhogi. Jo tumne apni health ke saath kiya hai pichhle dinon mein woh dubara nahin hoga."
Nidhi nodded with an embarrassed smile.
"Aur waada karo ki apne career par mehnat karogi. Maine pahle bhi tumse kaha hai ki mujhe tumme ek bahut achchi doctor banne ki capability dikhti hai. Aur main tumhein is profession ki peak par dekhna chahta hoon."
"Main kahan tak pahunch paungi, ye to mujhe nahin pata. Lekin meri koshishon mein koi kami nahin rahegi, ye waada karti hoon."
"Aur ek aakhiri baat," Ashutosh said and paused before continuing, "Tum young ho Nidhi. Tumhari zindagi mein aur log aayenge. Mujhse waada karo ki tum apni zindagi mein aage badhne ki koshish karogi. Meri wajah se tumhari zindagi stagnant nahin hogi."
"Don't be so harsh on me Dr. Ashutosh," Nidhi said without any hesitation, "Ye waada main nahin kar sakti. Haan. Jis din aap aage badh jayenge, mujhe bata dijiyega. Shayad tab main bhi seekh jaungi ki aisa kaise karte hain. Itna kuchh aaj tak aapse hi to seekha hai."
"Nidhi..."
"No Dr. Ashutosh. Please."
Ashutosh sighed and nodded.
"Kuchh meri bhi farmaishein hain Dr. Ashutosh."
That made Ashutosh smile, "Bolo."
"Pahli baat to ye ki..." she gulped before uttering the following words, "mere jaane ke baad..." and then stopped.
"Yeah. Tumhare jaane ke baad... We have to get used to it Nidhi. Batao."
"Aap wapas se Dr. Hardstone nahin ban jayenge. Thoda bahut hansna achchhi baat hoti hai."
Ashutosh laughed slightly, then became serious, "Mushkil hai. Lekin koshish karoonga."
"Aur..."
"Aur?"
"Aur jo ek mahina hamare paas hai, who main aise nahin guzaarna chahti. Aise hichakte hue, ek-doosre se bhaagte hue, darte hue. Main khush rahna chahti hoon. Aur iske liye hamein kuchh bhi aisa karne ki zaroorat nahin hai jisse Baba ko taqleef ho, ya kissi aur ko. Bas... aapse dher saari baatein karna chahti hoon. Kya ye ho sakta hai?" Towards the end her voice became uncertain and it trailed off. She was almost sure he would refuse it.
He did not respond for a while and looked intently at her.
"I know..." she spoke again, "It was a bad idea... Sorry... Rahne dijiye... Main... main aapko bilkul bhi pareshaan nahin karoongi..."
"Tum mujhe pareshaan nahin karogi Nidhi to Dr. Hardstone na banne ki motivation kahan se aayegi mere paas? Pareshaan to tumhein mujhe karna hi padega. Bas ek shart hai."
"Kya?" Nidhi beamed,
"Mere liye chai laani padegi."
Nidhi giggled as she replied, "Button daba kar hi na? Chalega."
Ashutosh smiled, "Shaam ho rahi hai. Tumhein wapas jaana chahiye. Thandh badh jayegi. See you in the hospital."
"Main parson wapas aa rahi hoon."
"Lekin..."
"Not a day more Dr. Ashutosh."
