||Hardships||
Sonakshi sat on the park bench smiling happily, her favourite Baskin Robbins flavour, Praline n' Cream, in her hand. She scooped out a big, pink spoonful of the desert and savoured the sweet smoothness of it spread inside her mouth. The cold literally travelled from her mouth and warmed up her heart. It has been a long long time since she has felt this free, a feeling of contentment inside of her. She looked lovingly as children ran around, playing, laughing in the play area in front of her. She had not been this happy in a very long time. She bit into another pink spoonful.
Praline n' Cream was the flavour she had had the carving for in her 12thweek. 12h week of her pregnancy, 12th week of her and Dev's journey of a dream come true, a dream of a family, their dream of One + One equals Three.
Sonakshi had always known that she will be a good mother, she had had the mother hen quality in her since she was a little girl with a pony tail. Playing the leader among her group of dirty, often mud and soil covered 10 year old friends, she was the one whose frock was always clean and crisp and her hair perfectly tied up in the pony tail her mother had made, not a hair out of place, even when she had been playing for an hour with her friends.
Little Sonakshi was the one who will break up the fights between her two best friends who were always out for each other's blood at every silly mistake. She would have to break their fight before they cause damage to each other while at the same time keeping in mind that her dress remains neat and crisp .It was a struggle for her but she managed just fine. For Sonakshi her life for perfect. Just perfect.
Thus it was a shock to her when after 2 years of trying to get pregnant they came to know they had Non Specific Infertility'. Both Sonakshi & Dev wanted kids, at least two. So, they decided to get pregnant early on in their marriage. After trying for a year, first casually and later in a more systematic way with charts and dates on Sonakshi's bedside table, Apps to calculate her ovulation cycles on her phone, and temperature records in her diary, when they still did not succeed, they decided to visit an Infertility centre. Many tests and scans later, not the simple jelly on the belly type scans but more invasive, sometimes painful and very uncomfortable ones, they were told that they had to look into the option of IVF treatments, if they wanted to conceive.
This came as a complete shocker to Sonakshi, she had never imagined that she will be ever be one of those' women who had trouble conceiving, she was born to be a mother, how could it be that her body was not fully equipped with the required skills. She was 28, quite fit and healthy and never had any major health complications. She felt cheated.
It did not help that her friends and family had started asking when they were going to share the good news. It did not help that their doctor only concentrated on selling them the steps and treatments, all highly expensive monetarily & emotionally, but never asked how they were coping with the realization that getting pregnant was going to be an uphill journey for them and not an easy cake walk as they had thought. It did not help that the day when they came back from the doctor's visit the neighbour next door, a woman with 2 school going kids, dropped by and told Sonakshi that it was high time she got pregnant, as it was not a good thing to delay it as age is a factor. It did not help that everybody she knew, casually or very closely, thought it was appropriate to ask such personally invasive questions and that everybody thought it was quite all right to give her advices on her biological clock and its ticking'.
It was this that led Sonakshi to say to Dev, " Can we please keep this to ourselves for now? I do not want to tell anyone about it."
She never expected Dev to react in the way he did. It was not her fault that her body was not giving her what she desperately wanted. She knew that Dev was suffering and longing for his own children. But it was not as if she was in any less pain. It was her dream to become a perfect mother for her children and provide them with the world's happiness. She needed some time to absorb the news. Some time to adjust to the new changes. Some time to mourn the loss of her children which she never had. Some time to plant a seed of hope in her life which was so cruelly crushed.
"Sonakshi, we will start the IVF treatment from tomorrow, you will need to take the hormone shots daily and come in for the tests to check the hormonal levels and follicles." Her life changed from the next day, their daily time table was a web of tests and doctor visits, painful injections and invasive scans. She no longer felt free and relaxed, she thought about the next test result, every second. She had days when she felt hopeful and other days when she felt utterly dejected. The heavy dose of hormones, further ensured that she did not feel positive at all.
Finally after 15 days, her ovulation results came positive and the procedure of egg collection and fertilization was scheduled. It all felt so clinical and the procedure was again invasive yet highly impersonal. She had to wait further for the positive sign for actual embryo transfer. By this time Sonakshi was emotionally drained. Her hope was diminishing every second. She had no happiness from the prospect of thinking that she might be able to conceive.
She came home after the procedure and waited. Two weeks later, Sonakshi was waiting for the call from the hospital, she had called in sick at work. She was too impatient and highly strung to be able to sit at office. Her phone rang, it was Riya. "Hey love, what is up? Where have you have been, I haven't seen you in ages. Sonakshi, I have to tell you something. I am pregnant babe, we just got the confirmed results back. I am so surprised and scared yaar. You know, we weren't trying, God knows how this happened. I am feeling so confused; I am not prepared for this. This is too much to handle, I haven't told my mom yet. Please tell me what should I do now, I have no idea how to handle this, help me. Sonakshi, are you there?"
"Riya, I am waiting for a call from office, I will have to call you back." After cutting the call, Sonakshi realized, she hadn't even congratulated Riya.She felt horrible about it.She should be happy for her friend, but with whatever was going on in her life, she had no reason for happiness. She did not feel like calling back. As she sat there blankly, the phone rang again, "Mrs. Dixit, we have your results, I am sorry, they came in negative."
The journey of another treatment cycle started, this time it felt longer. Sonakshi kept drawing further into herself, she distanced herself from everyone. She did not have the wish to talk to or meet anyone. Dev tried to suggest a vacation, thinking it will ease her mind, but she refused as it will only delay the treatments. The 2nd cycle failed too.
They were finally successful at the third cycle. Sonakshi was delighted beyond imagination when they got a confirmation of a fetal heart beat at the 8thweek scan. It felt like years since she had felt this happy, they told their family. Sonakshi spent her evenings designing pregnancy announcement themes and scouring for good maternity shoot photographers. 4 weeks later, she was sitting at home surfing when she came across the photos of Riya's baby shower. Riya had kept trying to get in touch with her all through this time. Sonakshi had finally told her about the ongoing fertility treatments but when she tried to meet her, to talk to her, to soothe her best friend, Sonakshi had only further ensured distance. She had avoided the baby shower too, though Riya had sent her innumerable invites. Isha looked at the photos of the baby shower cake.
"Dev, I want to eat Ice cream."
"What now?"
"Yes please."
"Ok, I will go get it, do you want to come with me?"
"No, I am feeling tired."
Dev was happy to see his wife smiling, he had not seen her smile like this in a very long time." I will be back in 20 mins." Sonakshi looked at all the photos and liked each one of them. That night she miscarried.
Sonakshi's world was like a series of painful episodes now. She could not even grieve, no one wanted to talk to her about the miscarriage, everybody offered her platitudes, " It will happen in its own time, don't worry".
The next miscarriage was in her 15th week. More tests flowed, so did money. It was today at the centre as she sat waiting for the results of her last test and thinking, she suddenly remembered that she had not eaten the ice cream that night. She had fallen asleep by the time Dev had come back and miscarried later in the night. She suddenly felt the need to leave and go have an ice- cream. She walked out of the clinic, for good this time.
As she sat in the park eating her ice cream, she knew she was done, done fighting a disappointing loosing battle. She knew she will be ok, maybe not fully but she will survive. She knew there will be the question "Do you have a child?" followed by "Why?" and a ton of advise, but she will face it. She knew she will not alienate herself from life anymore. She will not alienate herself from her friends or be afraid to be happy. She will be part of Riya's child's birthdays, each one of them. She will buy expensive gifts for her babies, after all she already had an account on Firstcry.com. She could not create a life, it was sad, but it did not mean she could not live her own. She was sure, It will be hard sometimes, but Ice-cream could solve a lot of problems.
Kabhi Neem Neem Kabhi Shahad Shahad
