Bejaan dil ko tere ishq ne zinda kiya,
Phir tere ishq ne hi iss dil ko tabaah kiya...
Dev barged in Sonakshi's cabin, late in the evening... The office was empty... A certain simmering anger in his eyes... He had a school diary and scheduler in his hand... The employees had left at both the offices, and he knew Sonakshi would still be working...
Throwing the diary on the table before her, and he just asked in as low a tone as it was possible with his puffed breath... Colour drained from Sonakshi's face, seeing the cover of the diary, and she opened it to see the following details of the holder of that diary.
Student's name: Suhana Bose
Father's name: -NA-
Mother's name: Dr. Sonakshi Bose
Office Address: Bose Nutrition, Vasant Kunj, South Delhi.
She stood up from the chair, and looked at Dev, horrified- "Aapke paas ye diary kaise aayi?" she was worried if anything happened to her daughter and Dev got her belongings. "Aapko kahan mili Soha ki diary Dev? Kuch hua usko kya?" a certain fear of any mishap with her daughter was making her pale, panic was rising in her eyes as well as sheen of tear forming in them, just in case anything happened...
A simmering Dev mellowed down immediately. "Main aapki aankhon mein kisi bhi tarah ke aansoo nahi dekh sakta." He remembered his own words from the bygone years... It still worked as the basic rule for him... "Shhh... Sonakshi calm down, kuch nahi hua hai usko... Golu, Vicky and Elena ka beta Suhana ka classmate hai, dono ki diaries exchange ho gayi thi... Wo toh maine dekh liya tha, n when I saw the details toh mujhse raha nahi gaya..." Dev held Sonakshi by her shoulders explaining how he got hold of Soha's diary...
"Thank God!" Sonakshi plopped back into her boss chair relieved that her daughter was fine...
"So, Sonakshi, is it true that Suhana is your daughter? Our daughter?" Dev though mellowed, but was dangerously close to any extreme reaction.
"Yes" she had a little nod.
"And why didn't you tell me until now?" he was getting even lower in tone, as if he was about to lose his voice...
"I was scared Dev... Scared, that you might snatch my daughter away, my only hope to live; away from me..." Sonakshi looked nowhere in particular, but then looked at Dev... He was sliding down the wall, and plopping down the floor...
"Dev!" Sonakshi was beside him...
Tadap tadap ke iss dil se aah nikalti rahi,
Mujhko saza di pyaar ki,
Aisa kya gunaah kiya toh lut gaye,
Haan lut gaye... Toh lut gaye hum teri mohabbat mein...
"Do you know how it feels?" one fat tear rolled out of his eye, followed by many more from both his eyes, and they kept continuing the trail...
Sonakshi was already squatting before him- "Dev!" she shook his shoulder... She felt something was disturbingly wrong with him right now... This man was more an anger showing person... He wasn't angry, he is... He is lost? Lost not on the roads of life... He has lost the battle of life... Battle of life? With whom? With her? Were they in a battle ground through life? What is wrong right now... "Dev, kya hua hai aapko...? Boliye na..."
"Do you know how it feels?" he asked again... His fair bright face was read by now...
"Feels about what, Dev?" Sonakshi asked again.
"How it feels to be absolutely emotionless about an emotion called love? You wanted a fairy tale love story na? You knew little per say, but knew about love... Didn't you?" he asked her.
She nodded lightly, if she didn't understand all the meaning what he meant to say, she took gradually to understand him. She answered what he asked...
"But, I had no idea about love... I was an emotionless person... You taught me about love, as my friend, as my philosopher and guide, as my lover, and as my spouse... Do you know how it feels when you have a missing emotion in you?" he asked her tired from fighting with her, fighting with his own life.
She kept looking at him, she did not know the answer... Helpless...
Nevertheless, he continued- "Do you know how it feels when someone fills the vacuum of absence of emotion that it is almost a toss, what resides in your heart... The emotion or that person... Do you know how it feels?" he asked...
He probably didn't wait for her answer as he continued again...
"You remember calling me a donkey, because I knew nothing about colors... You called me Blue-Black-Grey Dixit... Do you know how it feels to be stereotyped in colour knowing no other colour? To be in your black and white world, and suddenly entering your colourful world... Do you know how it feels when everyone questions the colours in your life? When people even question, why are you happy? Do you know, how it feels?"
Sonakshi was now staring at him... What was coming out of him? Has her not informing him about Soha triggered come stored emotions? She wanted to know...
"Sonakshi, when at first you told your family that you were in love with me... What were their reactions?" Dev asked...
Sonakshi could remember it vividly and replied- "They were all ecstatic, jumping, dancing, rejoicing... Not because you were a rich and eligible guy, but because I was in love with you..." Sonakshi had a small smile...
"Do you know how it feels when you tell this to your family and no one is happy for you, because you have fallen in love with someone? Do you know how it feels when no one is happy in your happiness?" Dev asked her.
Sona's smile vanished listening to him... Her stilettos were giving away squatting anymore, she sat down on the floor in front of him...
"Sonakshi, you always claimed na, that you love me so much that you know me by my pulse?" he asked.
She did not want to answer this question... He was not asking in the past tense, he is talking in a present tense too... And she did not want to give him a peep in to her present state...
"Do you know what I was feeling when I told you to go away for the first time, when maa was on the hospital bed, and we in the corridor?" he asked.
"Hurt? Miserable? Lost? Tormented? Worried sick for your mother?" Sonakshi answered.
"And yet you left me?" he asked.
"You only asked me to leave." She told.
"I told and you left? When you knew how tormented I was?" he asked.
"Dev, I thought you had chosen your mother over me, and so I left, since you wanted me to leave." She defended.
"For the past many days, I am asking you to leave this office... Why didn't you leave it then?" he asked.
"Because this is my office too... I have bought it, I have worked so hard for it. Why should I leave? If you have a problem with me, you may leave this premise." She answered what she knew were answers to her own questions from life... His next reply was apt.
"That goes for both the times we separated... Wasn't I yours? Wasn't Ishwari Niwas your own house? Didn't you work hard on loving me, marrying me, and sustaining that marriage? Wasn't that an investment for life? If I asked you to leave, why did you?" he asked...
She gulped down the lump building in the throat...
"Do you know how it feels when your love, who claims to know you by your pulse, judging by the superficial anger and agitated emotions walks away, when all your heart is screaming for you to show me my foot and tell that she won't leave, no matter what?"
"Dev, you can't do this to me..." she was now having tears...
Ajab hai ishq yaara,
Pal do pal ki khushiyaan...
Ghum ke khazaane milte hain phir,
Milti hai tanhaaiyaan...
Kabhi aansoo kabhi aahein,
Kabhi shikwe kabhi naale,
Tera chehra nazar aaye...
Tera chehra nazar aaye mujhe din ke ujaalon mein,
Teri yaadein tadpaayein...
Teri yaadein tadpaayein raaton ke andhero mein,
Tera chehra nazar aaye...
Machal machal ke iss dil se aah nikalti rahi,
Mujhko saza di pyaar ki,
Aisa kya gunaah kiya toh lut gaye,
Haan lut gaye...
Toh lut gaye hum teri mohabbat mein...
"Of course, I can do this... I just want to know how it feels Sonakshi... You guys felt so much for me..." more tears rolled his eyes, and accumulated on his lips, some of them flow down on his chin, dropped on his shirt, while the others were wetting his cheek and lips... "Sonakshi, not once but many times I have opened my heart straight before you... You could see anything and everything that happened in them, I have told you multiple times that there's no new day for me before you, there's nothing but you that I love most in my life, I can't live a single day without you, my paradise is where you are with me, everything is fine until your and my names are joined... Do you know how it feels when being emotionally vulnerable before someone to this extent, and still that person forgets that love, that vulnerability, that low emotionally breakage point, and walks away when you are at your weakest and yet that person doesn't return... When despite making, you believe that your home is my heart, no matter where we reside, and yet not being able to convince... Do you know how it feels?"
"Dev, you know, I really tried being a part of that house..." she again defended...
"I am not accusing you Sonakshi. I am just telling you how it feels from my side... Don't get me wrong..." he clarified. He continued- "Though I accuse myself too for secracy, but do you know how it feels to hide every damn problem from your love's reach so that all she gets is happiness around. Do you know how it feels when the same love keeps hiding her pains, her disappointments, her torments, her innermost feelings from you to not add on to my woes... Do you know how it feels when all you wanted is their happiness, and yet they kept being sad?"
He always told that he bleeds when she hurts, and all he wants is her happiness... Her tears were his weakness, and she hid them away from him... Did it make him strong? No, they broke him even worse.
"You didn't tell me about our daughter because you thought I would snatch her from you... You were precisely hurt by my parting words that you couldn't be a good mother... Isn't it? Was it because you thought I am so merciless? Or you thought that I was anyway never interested in being a father?" he asked...
She kept swinging her head side to side to tell him that she was scared... But knew no reasons... But he continued-
"You know I have loved kids like it came as a maternal instinct into a paternal figure... A mere thought of a kid ran such happiness in my system that I just rejoiced... I was madly waiting to make babies with you, our tiny-miny kids... I so much waited for them... Do you know how it feels to stand in the doctor's cabin just two days before your marriage, getting to know the least chances of the person you were dreaming to make kids with, would be a mother?"
He stopped for a moment to gulp down the choke in his throat... His constant crying was making it so difficult for him to talk... But talk he did- "Do you know Sonakshi, how it feels to keep on having a battle of reality in the form of report glaring at you, and yet the love of the person won such easily, that the dreams of having babies took a back seat... Do you know how it feels when you love someone so much that you want no kids more than the smile of your love's face? You are ready to face anything but not the tears in her eyes... Do you know how it feels?"
Sonakshi closed her eyes, as more tears flowed for them... She knew what he must have gone through hiding all her deserved pain, quietly pursed under his smiling face, trying to give her the best fairytale love story he could...
"Sonakshi, you always call me a mumma's boy na? You can answer my question better today...You are a single parent, you brought Suhana up, alone... Today, I like you always dreaded, ask or rather as you say, snatch Soha from you... She's my daughter too after all, I have a right over her biologically... Would she be happy without you? Would you be happy without her?" he asked...
She bobbed her head negatively... "I gave her the choice to meet you, if she wants too..." Sonakshi wanted to share the tidbit so that he is not delusional.
"Didn't Suhana even for once tell that she wants to meet me?" he asked.
"She just joked that she wanted to meet you... But then she told me that it was a joke..." she told.
"Are you sure? You gave her a full choice and none of your body language spoke otherwise? Or nobody influenced her decision by cajoling or being angry?" he asked again...
Sonakshi opened her mouth and then closed like a fish--"Ab socho main waisi wali beti hoti toh?" she remembered her daughter's identical dialogue as of her father...
Dev smiled at her- "Did she do something like me?" he asked.
She nodded again wordlessly...
"Do you know why?" he asked.
"Because, maybe she was worried for me, and didn't want to hurt me..." she replied.
"And you call her mumma's girl?" he asked.
"When that is a loved salutation, why the same thing an abuse to me if I thought the same for my mother Sonakshi? Did you realize you were doing this right or wrong, just like my mother did... Do you know how it feels when it is all about your mother's happiness you care for, because you are gratuitous, indebted to her for life, for being the single parent and yet being successful. Do you abuse our daughter if she looks up for your happiness?" Dev asked her.
Agar mile khuda toh,
Poochunga khudaaya,
Jism mujhe deke mitti ka,
Sheeshe sa dil kyu banaaya...
Aur uspe diya fitrat,
Ke wo karta hai mohabbat,
Waah re waah teri kudrat...
Waah re waah teri kudrat,
Uspe de diya kismat,
Kabhi hai milan kabhi furkat...
Kabhi hai milan kabhi furkat,
Hai yahi kya wo mohabbat,
Waah re waah teri kudrat...
Sisak-sisak ke iss dil se aah nikalti rahi,
Mujhko sazaa di pyaar ki,
Aisa kya gunaah kiya,
Toh lut gaye, haan lut gaye...
Toh lut gaye hum teri mohabbat mein...
Tadap tadap ke iss dil se aah nikalti rahi...
Mujhko sazaa di pyaar ki...
Aisa kya gunaah kiya,
Toh lut gaye, haan lut gaye...
Toh lut gaye hum teri mohabbat mein...
"Sonakshi, aaj meri galtiyaan ginwaao... Kya meri galti thi ki mere papa hum sabko jaldi chodh ke chale gaye? Kya meri galti thi ke mujhe aur maa ko majboori mein kaam karna padta tha? Kya meri galti thi ke apne parivaar ki zindagi sudhaarne ke liye mujhe sabki zimmedaari apne kandhon par leni padi? Kya meri galti thi ke mujhe uss maa mein bhagwaan dikhta tha jiski apni koi zindagi nahi thi, uski saari zindagi mujhe aur meri behno ko khaana khilaane aur mujhe padhaane mein lag gayi? Kya meri galti thi ke main apni maa ka ehsaan kisi bhi tarah, crore rupees laakar bhi unke kadmo mein rakh deta, toh nahi utar sakta tha, kya ye meri galti thi? Kya meri galti thi ke main uss maa ki muskuraahat ke liye kuch bhi kar sakta tha, jisne meri har Muskaan pe apne aansoo ponche ho? Kya meri galti thi ke main har pal ye chaahta tha ki tum aur wo milkar saath reh rahein? Kya ye meri galti thi ki tumhari laakh koshisho ke baawjood maa apne puraane khayaalo se baahar aa hi nahi paayi? Kya ye meri galti hai ki maine tumhe apna aadha hissa maan ke, apni ardhaangini maan ke tumhara stand na lekar maa ko manaata raha, ye soch kar ki jo takleef mujhe ho rahi hai, wo tum bhi mehsoos kar rahi hogi... Kya ye meri galti thi? Kya ye meri galti thi ke main ek mein ek baaton mein itna ulajhta gaya ki uljhe hue dhaage suljhaane ka mauka hi nahi mila? Kya ye meri galti hai ki main apni maa ke liye hue ehsaano taley maami ji ka tumhare saamne mooh nahi band kiya ye sochke ki tumhe ab tak pata hi hoga ki unki baat dil tak kya, kaan tak bhi lene ki zarurat nahi hai? Kya ye meri galti hai ki maine tumpe kuch zaroorat se zyada apne vulnerabilities khol diye they? Kya ye meri galti thi ke main tumhare bina itna besahaara ho jaaunga ki sharaab ka sahaara lena pade? Kya ye meri galti thi ke main prenup na jaante hue bhi tumhare saamne uska doshi bana khada tha, aur apni innocence prove karne ka mauka bhi nahi mila? Kya ye meri galti thi tumhe mujhpe itna bhi aitbaar nahi tha ki main gusse mein tum sabko ghar se nikaal dunga? Kya ye meri galti hai ki tumhe kabhi ye ehsaas nahi hua ki jis tarah tum apni beti ke bina rehne ki soch bhi nahi sakti, usi tarah uska baap uske sapno ke saath jeeta aa raha hai? Kya ye meri galti hai ki tumhare paas ek supportive family thi, aur mere paas kehne ke liye meri beti tak nahi thi?" he started laughing sarcastically and then cried like never before- "Kya koi mujhe bata sakta hai ki tumhare bhagwaan ji ne mere saath itna kuch kyu likha tha Sonakshi? Meri ghaltiyon ki mujhe itni badi saza di tum sabne ki inn 7 saalo mein ki maine sirf apni maa aur biwi ko nahi khoya, meri beti bina baap ke saaye ke pali, aur uska baap uske bachhe ke hone ke baawjood beaulaad raha... Kyu kiya tum sabne aisa Sonakshi? Kyu mujhe jeete jee maar daala humari bachhi ki zindagi se? Kya main itna bura husband saabit hua ki main automatically ek bura baap, by default declare kar diya jaaun? Aaj koi mujhe ye bata de, ki inn sab mein meri beti ka kya kasoor hai Sonakshi? Kyu cheen liya hum dono se humara sapna? Kya tumhare baba ko aisa nahi laga inn 7 saalo mein ki jis tarah tumhe unki zaroorat thi, usi tarah meri beti ko bhi apne pitah ki zaroorat hogi? Mere ghar walo ko toh mere dukh ka ehsaas nahi hai, kya tumhare ghar walo ko bhi iss baat ka ehsaas nahi hua? Kabhi tumhe ye ehsaas nahi hua Sonakshi? Kabhi tumne nahi socha ki mujh par kya guzregi? Kabhi jaana ki main inn 7 saalo mein kaise jee raha honga? Do you realize, how it feels?"
~~I AM ALREADY CRYING, I HOPE YOU GUYS FELT THE SAME~
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